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Old 12-10-2017, 11:30 AM   #1
TennGuy1963
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I posted my first story

I just joined after reading many stories on this site. How did I do?

https://www.literotica.com/s/waking-up-with-a-smile
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Old 12-10-2017, 02:29 PM   #2
LoquiSordidaAdMe
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Good First Effort

It's not too bad. There's no real plot or character development, but it's more of vignette than a story, so that's ok. Early on, I had trouble understanding what position the woman was lying in - on her back, side, or stomach. It took me a bit to figure out. You probably had it pictured in your head so vividly that you didn't feel the need to write it down - it was obvious to you. But details like that can help the reader share your vision.

You did an odd thing with the perspective. It was sort of first-person 'I' and second-person 'You' at the same time. It was an ambitious choice. Second-person is a tricky perspective; you're essentially telling the reader what they are doing and feeling. When you inject your narrator into the story as a participant it gets kind of precarious. "I do this and you feel that"... How do you know what I'm feeling? You're not an omniscient narrator, you're another character. I found it kind of distracting. It might have worked better if you had stuck to a first-person perspective. "I do this and I can tell you feel that because of the way you..."

The sex was pretty hot. Realistic. Not over the top. Exactly the kind of sex real people actually have. It was well paced and well written. The vocabulary became a bit repetitive. You use the word "pussy" 14 times in less than 1000 words. I know there aren't a lot of great synonyms out there, but that's one of the challenges of writing erotica.

Over all, it was solid first story. There is definitely room for improvement, but I think that will come with practice. Good job.
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Old 12-10-2017, 03:16 PM   #3
TennGuy1963
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Thanks for the input. I wrote that a long time ago. I have another old one to post but Iím going to improve it first.
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Old 12-10-2017, 07:37 PM   #4
electricblue66
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As Loqui noted, the form of address where your narrator is both first person and also presumes to speak on behalf of the partner, is off-putting.

By using the address "you," you're saying to me the reader I'm doing all of those things.

No, I didn't do any of the things you said I was doing - I'm male, for a start... See the problem?
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Old 12-10-2017, 07:40 PM   #5
Areala-chan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TennGuy1963 View Post
I just joined after reading many stories on this site. How did I do?

https://www.literotica.com/s/waking-up-with-a-smile
First of all, congrats on having your first piece published! Welcome to authordom.

Second, a small suggestion: when you post a link to a story, please give more information about it. You don't need a plot summary, but mentioning the category it's in and how long it is in terms of Lit pages will help you get readers who are into the subject matter.

I clicked your link, saw it was posted to 'Anal', and clicked back. Nothing against your writing...you may have the best story ever to go up on Lit, but I don't read that category. Not my thing. On the other hand, there are plenty of readers who love that stuff, and knowing your story's part of it will at least entice them to try it out.
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Old 12-11-2017, 12:25 PM   #6
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Fine first piece. You were wise to make it a small story instead of starting a multi-chapter story arc.

Next story, add dialogue. Find a joke or two you can work into the banter. Dialogue is how you get readers to care about your characters.
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Old 12-12-2017, 08:23 PM   #7
TennGuy1963
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Thanks for the advise all
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Old 12-21-2017, 10:53 AM   #8
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Not going to rehash points from previous feedback. I agree with most. My feedback is on the your use of exclamation marks.

Quote:
1. You wake up to me massaging your feet!
2. The pace continues to increase as I suck on your nipples and you reach down to play with your clit!
Curious as to why you have an exclamation mark. Who is surprised? Me the reader? You, the male protagonist? This threw me off from the start.
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Last edited by HankUric : 12-21-2017 at 11:14 AM.
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