Old 11-28-2017, 12:17 AM   #1
goliathslawyer
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Post Looking for feedback

This is the first time I've written something. I want to know if i'm decent, good or just shit. All i request is an honest feedback.
I wrote a four part series and would like to know your thoughts:
https://www.literotica.com/s/punished-by-the-professor
https://www.literotica.com/s/punishe...rofessor-ch-02
https://www.literotica.com/s/punishe...rofessor-ch-03
https://www.literotica.com/s/punishe...rofessor-ch-04

Errors in grammar, flow of the story, anything, really. I want to improve.
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Old 11-28-2017, 03:39 AM   #2
Bramblethorn
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Comments on Chapter 1:

Quote:
I spoke to the moderator of the website and arranged a meet at a local restaurant.

"Here we go", I mutter to myself at the entrance of 'Terra and Mare', a small Italian restaurant. I am to meet the moderator.
You started out in past tense and then switched to present tense here; it would've worked OK at a chapter break but it didn't feel like enough of a break here to justify it. Also, "a local restaurant" followed by "a small Italian restaurant" feels a bit redundant.

The bit where she recognises Romero would be more effective IMHO if you'd introduced him earlier - e.g. included a short scene in class. For your narrator it's a shock seeing the guy he knows from a classroom context, suddenly showing up in a very different context - but readers have never met him in that context, so it's harder for them to share her feelings.

A few minor spelling errors e.g.:
[blockquote]My excitement had lead me to come braless.[/blockquote]

"led". Things like this probably won't show up in a spell-checker; a beta reader or editor might help, if you can find somebody.

Some issues with punctuation for quoted speech e.g. this needs a comma:

Quote:
"Good morning, professor Romero. I didn't know you were the moderator," I say nervously.
There are many guides out there on how to punctuate speech, so I won't repeat the rules here. (Also, "Professor" should be capitalised there.) There were also some sentences missing full stops.

Quote:
I carefully pull my dress a little higher without getting his attention.

"Let me do that Ms. Elizabeth" he quips as he pulls my dress so high that he can see my panties
Contradicting yourself here - his reaction makes it very clear that she did get his attention.

Quote:
I look at his cock. There's no way that will fit in me. The pink head is covered in slime and the nerves stretch against his shaft.

"That won't go in me," I say frightened at the sight.
Redundancy here - if she's saying it, you don't need to explain that she's thinking it. Also, if his penile nerves are visible, something's badly wrong - did you mean veins here?

My main issue with the story is that the scenario didn't feel very realistic. She's read enough to find an anonymous BDSM group but she doesn't know basic BDSM terminology like "dungeon"? And...

As a professor, Romero should know very well that "I'm not your professor here" doesn't cut it as an excuse for sleeping with a student; as a dom who's agreed to mentor Elizabeth, he should know that it's predatory to go straight to sleeping with her when she's so new to everything BDSM-related. It's weird for him to be inviting her to a one-on-one instead of something like a munch.

If you intended him to be an unethical, predatory sort of person, it's quite plausible for him to behave the way he does, and there are plenty of those in academia and in BDSM. But I didn't get the vibe that this was how you intended it. Many readers won't care about those points at all, but those who are picky about ethics/consent stuff might have a problem with it, as I did.
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Old 11-28-2017, 04:13 AM   #3
goliathslawyer
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Smile Thank you for taking the time out.

Thank you for going through it.
Punctuating dialogue is something that i'm working on.
I personally think i did a better job with it in the following chapters.
Great point you made about introducing him in a class scene. Did not think of that at all. As you mention it, i think it would have made more sense that way.
I'll address the redundancy issues. They are products of my inexperience.
A major cock up i did not notice was the veins and nerves. I meant veins, really(LOL)
The way i approached the one-on-one thing was that she's too nervous and shy and would feel better if it was indeed one-on-one rather than a munch.
If you were to rate it, would i be wrong to assume you would give it a 2?
PS: Will you be looking into the next chapters as well?
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Old 11-28-2017, 07:42 AM   #4
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goliathslawyer View Post
The way i approached the one-on-one thing was that she's too nervous and shy and would feel better if it was indeed one-on-one rather than a munch.
That would be reasonable, I just didn't catch that reason from the story.

Quote:
If you were to rate it, would i be wrong to assume you would give it a 2?
I didn't rate it, for reasons that boil down to "writers shouldn't be penalised for asking for feedback here".

Your story is advertised as "Punished by the Professor: My initiation into the world of BDSM". That's a honest summary, it gives a good description of what the story is about and what it focusses on. If I was browsing the New Stories section and saw that, I would probably decide "this isn't going to be my kind of story" and move on, because that doesn't sound like it's going to scratch my itches, and in this case that snap judgement would be right. (Nothing against BDSM or professors! Just that I like stories where the sex is part of a broader story.)

But if I do choose to read a story that has clearly identified itself as Not My Thing, it seems a bit bloody-minded to penalise it for doing exactly what the advert said it would do, and it's not much of an incentive for authors to ask for feedback if that's going to hurt their scores. So usually I won't vote on a story that I've read for a feedback request, unless I can honestly give it five stars or it's really REALLY terrible beyond what the description can convey.

If I had to rate it by the star descriptions, I guess a 2 "didn't like it much" would be the most accurate score... but in practice, pretty much nobody actually follows those descriptions, and I'd be disadvantaging authors if I did, so I'd be more likely to round it up to a 3. Which is roughly: not terrible, but didn't grab me.

Quote:
PS: Will you be looking into the next chapters as well?
Not at the moment, sorry - I have another feedback request and other calls on my time, so one chapter's all I have time for just now.
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Old 11-28-2017, 08:01 AM   #5
goliathslawyer
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Thank you

Thank you for your feedback.
And i understand that you're busy.
Thank you for going through the first chapter anyways.
I'll work on the things you mentioned.
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Old 11-28-2017, 12:15 PM   #6
sr71plt
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Just a note that business names aren't rendered in quotes. ". . . at the entrance of Terra and Mare, a small Italian restaurant." (Single quotes wouldn't be used here in the American style system, in any event. The first level in the American system is always double quotes.)
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Old 11-28-2017, 12:29 PM   #7
goliathslawyer
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Thank you

I wasn't aware of that.
Thank you
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Old 12-25-2017, 01:45 AM   #8
Sailor_Witch
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Thumbs up Are you any good?

Am I any good? You asked that in your original post. in answer, I'd ask why do you write and why do you put it on Literotica? OK, I'll admit that I haven't read your stories yet. (But I did bookmark the first one so that I can read it tomorrow as it is half past midnight where I am)

I'm guessing that you have a certain desire to tell a story and that is the basic reason. If I am correct (at least as far as that statement goes) then it probably doesn't matter whether you are a fair, a good or an expert writer.

Communication is the art of sending a message in such a manner that the intended recipient understands what you wished to convey. One doesn't need to be a Hemingway to communicate. Remember-The artist is the most critical of his own work.

If you enjoy writing and sharing it, then let that be what you do. I applaud you for wanting to produce the best quality product you can, but don't get too caught up in the technical details. Just write and enjoy it.
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Old 12-25-2017, 08:17 AM   #9
goliathslawyer
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Thank you

It's true that I write because I want to tell stories. The idea behind asking for feedback is so that I can tell it as perfectly as I can. Thank you for bookmarking the story. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on it.
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Old 12-25-2017, 11:27 PM   #10
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Just some comments, but it's a matter of opinion.

"I have been a shy girl for as long as I remember. I wore conservative clothes, did not speak to anyone unless talked to and lost my V- card just 3 months ago, at 20. That's also the only time I've ever had sex."

Something about the tenses seems off here. Either "I'd been a shy girl for as long as I remember. I wore..."

Or:

"I have been a shy girl for as long as I remember. I'd worn conservative clothes..."

---

"As it turned out, all my ex wanted was my cherry. He wasn't very good when he fucked me either."

Seems like too many words. I think: "He wasn't very good either." It packs more punch, and the meaning is clear..

"He just entered me without any care or concern, caused a lot of pain as he broke my hymen and was done in about 30 seconds."

Again, I think you could cut "as he broke my hymen" and everyone would know what you mean.

"It wasn't at all like I imagined. But my fantasies aren't exactly normal. I dream of being fucked like a dog in heat; I yearn to be collared and whipped mercilessly."

Yeah, I think you're telling too much here. The paragraph should read:

"It wasn't at all like I imagined. But my fantasies aren't exactly normal."

Voila. Now not only is the reader eager to learn what the fantasies are, you'll also save words, because the action that comes after this will make it clear what her fantasies are.

"Here we go", I mutter to myself at the entrance of 'Terra and Mare', a small Italian restaurant."

This feels like it would be better at the beginning. Start with this sentence, then add in the explanation: "I have been a shy girl...."

"I am to meet the moderator. I don't know his name. He is supposed to be wearing a white suit and pink pocket square. I scan the restaurant trying to identify my 'Initiation Guide'. I spot a man wearing white suit at the north-east end."

Here there seems to be too many sentences of the same basic form: I do sth. I do sth. I do sth. Try to switch it up. Also "wearing a white suit," unless that's some British way of saying it that I'm unfamiliar with.

"Fuuuuuuk."

Fuuuuuuck, I'd imagine.

"It's Romero, Professor Romero."

Who calls people by their last name alone? This sounds James Bondian. "It's Professor Romero." seems fine.

"He's here to meet a girl and initiate her into BDSM, not to fuck his student."

This seems like a bit of telling, when you could be showing. Dialogue and action can let us know what he's here to do.

I think it's not bad. Write more and more, and you'll get better and better.
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Old 12-26-2017, 09:03 AM   #11
goliathslawyer
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Smile Thank you

Show, don't tell, is your message i think.
Will try to do that more.
Thank you for taking the trouble!
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Old 12-26-2017, 12:01 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goliathslawyer View Post
Show, don't tell, is your message i think.
Will try to do that more.
Thank you for taking the trouble!
My pleasure! If you enjoy writing, keep it up! Iíll try to help when I can.
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