Old 10-26-2017, 12:14 PM   #1
LaRascasse
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New lesbian story

Here it is

https://www.literotica.com/s/saudade-1

Let me know what you think.
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Old 10-28-2017, 11:04 AM   #2
LaRascasse
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Hopeful bump if anybody’s interested.

Themes: Lesbian and speculative (not quite sci fi)
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My stories in case you are interested. Offbeat, unconventional and just a bit dark. Just a bit, I swear


To see a World in a Grain of Sand
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Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
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Old 10-28-2017, 06:29 PM   #3
Bramblethorn
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I loved the premise. I think we can all relate to that "just one more day" in one way or another. I am cursing you a little bit because reading this has me thinking of other stories I could write based on the same premise, and you KNOW I already have a story to write :-) So I gave it five stars.

My only criticism is pretty mild: I think the twist loses some of its impact because I spent most of the story thinking "there's going to be a horrible twist, I wonder what it'll be?" and I didn't let myself get too attached to characters who were bound to meet with heartbreak.

Partly this is because the story puts a lot of emphasis on how special this day is and how unusual it is for Lisa to take the time out to focus on Ayomi this way. But TBH, a large part of it is the two words immediately following the title: "By LaRascasse" ;-)

Twist endings are your thing, and you do them well. You're very creative in coming up with devastating last-act revelations, and you have plenty of readers who love them; you're never going to be short of red "H"s. But I would be interested to see you try a few non-twisty stories; it might be a good way to build some muscles in different places.
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Old 10-29-2017, 01:57 AM   #4
LaRascasse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bramblethorn View Post
I loved the premise. I think we can all relate to that "just one more day" in one way or another. I am cursing you a little bit because reading this has me thinking of other stories I could write based on the same premise, and you KNOW I already have a story to write :-) So I gave it five stars.
Thanks. I'm also massively looking forward to chapter 3 in my Inbox.

Quote:
My only criticism is pretty mild: I think the twist loses some of its impact because I spent most of the story thinking "there's going to be a horrible twist, I wonder what it'll be?" and I didn't let myself get too attached to characters who were bound to meet with heartbreak.

Partly this is because the story puts a lot of emphasis on how special this day is and how unusual it is for Lisa to take the time out to focus on Ayomi this way. But TBH, a large part of it is the two words immediately following the title: "By LaRascasse" ;-)

Twist endings are your thing, and you do them well. You're very creative in coming up with devastating last-act revelations, and you have plenty of readers who love them; you're never going to be short of red "H"s. But I would be interested to see you try a few non-twisty stories; it might be a good way to build some muscles in different places.
TBH, I've been thinking of long-form romance myself. However, both when reading and writing, I find myself drawn to short stories. Even this short story took me well over a month to write in bits and pieces. Imagine the time investment if it had to be a multi-chaptered lesbian relationship romance like some of your works.... I can't even...

Nevertheless, thanks for the advice and I will give some serious thought to trying a story without a final act twist.
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My stories in case you are interested. Offbeat, unconventional and just a bit dark. Just a bit, I swear


To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
-William Blake
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Old 10-30-2017, 09:21 AM   #5
HisArpy
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I didn't rate it because I didn't want you to think I'm a troll out to pull your ratings down.

It's not that I didn't like it; it was well written for the most part, if a bit dry for ME personally. I just found it too anti-climatic. Or, if one were to consider it another way, unfinished.

Your ending could have been much shorter and still have conveyed the same results without all the explaining between scientist and scientist on what they both already knew.

-OR-

It could have been a nice "info-intermission" break between what happened earlier in the plot and how the main character breaks the rules and alters the outcome to be the way they want it.

Re: Longer stories:

Think of each chapter in a story as a "mini-story" in itself where each chapter continues the timeline of the plot until the story is told completely. Each chapter has to have the same elements as the full story; intro or lead-in, buildup, climax. Just keep them smaller than the elements of the plot.
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