Old 10-05-2017, 11:32 PM   #1
PuckIt
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Just a heads up.

All right, so this was my third time on the merry-go-round of Literotica.com.

First, I was here as Acktion. And generally had a pretty good time. Some health issues got in the way, then financial. And when I got back, stupid me couldn't remember the password or which email account I'd used.

So, I made up a new account as Ewobbit, managed to sneak third in the Valentine's contest from, in my opinion, much more deserving entrants. Hung out in the threads while I tried to write something else submission worthy. And then faded away again when we couldn't keep all the bills paid.

A year later, I made a resurgence as this user because, you guessed it, couldn't remember Ewobbit's password or email. (Yeah, I've got memory issues.) And decided to enter the contest for a goof and once again managed to swipe a prize.

Twice, I faded away and both times it seemed like people were wondering what happened to me. So, I didn't want to let that happen a third time, just in case there might be someone who cares.

My wife passed away sometime today. I don't know when although I was sitting here right beside her the whole day, trying to write. They tell me that's a good thing, that it means it was peaceful, in her sleep.

We've had so many health problems I can't say it was a surprise. But, I can't understand how I could be right here and not know when she left.

I don't know. Right now, I can't fathom writing anything else. Maybe I will someday. I can't fathom being on here. I can't even fathom why I am right now. I don't know. Maybe I will be from time to time. Or maybe I won't for awhile or ever again. I just don't know.

I do wish to leave my submissions as Acktion,Ewobbit, and, especially, PuckIt.

And as always, peace be with you and may the wind be at your back and the sun out of your eyes tomorrow. Don't forget to take whatever opportunity you can to make yours a good day and anyone else's you conveniently can.
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Old 10-05-2017, 11:35 PM   #2
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Condolences and take care. Do come back when you can/as you can.
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Old 10-05-2017, 11:52 PM   #3
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There's hardly anything I can say. I wish you and your family the best for the future and hope to see you back again.
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Old 10-06-2017, 12:43 AM   #4
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I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking a moment in this time of grief to offer your thoughtful words. My best to you.
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Old 10-06-2017, 03:31 AM   #5
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Sympathy for your loss.
Be assured of a warm welcome when you return.
PS. Write your details down on a bit of paper
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Old 10-06-2017, 06:25 AM   #6
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I am very sorry for your loss. If coming here distracts you from your pain, take that comfort.
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Old 10-06-2017, 07:34 AM   #7
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A big hug and sympathy for your loss. Stick around, sometimes it's better just to talk and share and who better with than a bunch of people who share all the time and who empathize and understand. Anyhow, you know there's a whole lot of people here who feel for you and another hug.
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- "Screw Your Roses, Asshole" (a girl, a band and a boyfriend ... what can possibly be screwed), and ...
- "Fields of Gold" (a romantic tearjerking tale of a guy, a girl and an AH64 Apache...)

Winner - 2017 Literotica April Fools Competition: "Fingerprints on my Heart"

All of Chloe Tzang's stories can be found here
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Old 10-06-2017, 07:59 AM   #8
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Namaste, dear Puckit.
My wishes for your good health and eventual peace of mind
You will be missed, but remembered fondly.
Take care of yourself
I hope to greet you again someday
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Old 10-06-2017, 09:41 AM   #9
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I'm very sorry to hear that. Look after yourself, in whatever way works best for you, and I hope we'll see you back some time.

(maybe write down your password somewhere safe this time ;-)
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Old 10-06-2017, 10:59 AM   #10
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PS. Write your details down on a bit of paper
This is great advice. Write and keep it for yourself, if nothing more. I do not know the pain of losing a spouse, but when I was 15 and lost my grandmother, and then 21 and lost an uncle, I wrote. Even in the ICU waiting room I wrote in a notebook. Mostly it was thoughts and feelings; a journal entry if you will. Looking back now, I am grateful I have my memories in my own hand.

Peace be with you.
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Old 10-06-2017, 12:37 PM   #11
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Oh geez, I'm really sorry to hear this as well. Condolences to you... I hope that you find a way to return eventually, and that you find yourself in better health as soon as possible.
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Old 10-06-2017, 05:12 PM   #12
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I'm so sorry, so very sorry. Words don't mean much at this point, but I wish you the best in the future.
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Old 10-06-2017, 11:27 PM   #13
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I have no words. I wish you peace.
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Old 10-08-2017, 05:55 AM   #14
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As it turns out...

I have managed to check in once or twice. Pretty much only long enough to glimpse the responses before I shut down the screen as I hear someone moving around. Generally at night when I can't quite bring myself to lay down in the bed beside the very spot she left me in just yet. When I don't want to so much as look over at her pillow and remember how idiotically I sat here and when I glanced over thought how good it was that she was finally getting some rest.

I had not, until now, taken the opportunity to thank everyone for their responses.

Partially because I am really uncertain what to say. Despite my attempts at being a writer, I generally feel I only have the lightest grasp of the appropriate.

Partially because her son from her previous marriage and his wife have been here helping me to go through all her things. (and it's been a chore to stay just enough ahead of them he doesn't happen across something he would probably not rather associate with his mother! Like her dildo collection. Her nude picture. The, rather steamy, letters we wrote to each other back several years ago. I was too slow to completely shelter him from her lingerie collection, one piece in particular that had more straps than anything else.)

And my sister, whom I hadn't even spoken to in more than two years, blew through to manage the arrangements, which is probably for the best since in recent years even at my best it would have beyond me and I'm definitely not at my best.

And two friends who abandoned us five years ago and we had not seen or heard from since came as well.

And my seventy... er, some odd year old father and his wife, despite being in failing health that has precluded them driving here for eight months made an appearance.

It should take longer, I think, to do these things we've done in the last two days. To turn my world so completely upside down. But, there is so much more I think I'm supposed to do that I don't know what, much less how. Because of my own health issues, and specifically my memory issues, I've had to totally rely on my wife to take care of telling me what I needed to do for several years now when she could not do it herself.

And once again, I seem to be running off on a tangent and beg your forgiveness.

My intent was to take this time while my step-son and his wife are asleep in the other room and I can not sleep, to check in and let those of you who have responded know just how deeply touched I am that you did. Perhaps I am odd, but your responses here have meant, arguably, more to me than the visits and phone calls throughout the days. In many ways, you people have been almost more real to me than anyone except her for the past half decade or so. Sincerely, thank you.

While I still, it seems, have the desire to touch base on here, I do not know how much longer I will have the financial means to do so. We were barely making it month to month with nothing or very little left over with both of us having a disability check. Without hers, it is questionable if I will be able continue staying here in our last refuge together. Assuming I wish to once the company disappears and I'm left alone. Internet and electricity are probably going to be the first to go, since I can't see a way I can continue to afford it during the odd moments when I am able to focus beyond how much it hurts that she is not lying there alternating between watching me type and one of her television shows.

I miss my wife.

When I can longer get on here, I will miss you guys if not as much.

Thank you. Both for the condolences and just for being yourselves.
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Old 10-08-2017, 10:14 AM   #15
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All I can do is extend my sympathy and condolences. Please hang in there as best you can.
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Old 10-08-2017, 11:22 AM   #16
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Please accept our sincere condolences and deepest sympathy for your loss.

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Old 10-08-2017, 11:43 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PuckIt View Post
I have managed to check in once or twice. Pretty much only long enough to glimpse the responses before I shut down the screen as I hear someone moving around. Generally at night when I can't quite bring myself to lay down in the bed beside the very spot she left me in just yet. When I don't want to so much as look over at her pillow and remember how idiotically I sat here and when I glanced over thought how good it was that she was finally getting some rest.

I had not, until now, taken the opportunity to thank everyone for their responses.

Partially because I am really uncertain what to say. Despite my attempts at being a writer, I generally feel I only have the lightest grasp of the appropriate.

Partially because her son from her previous marriage and his wife have been here helping me to go through all her things. (and it's been a chore to stay just enough ahead of them he doesn't happen across something he would probably not rather associate with his mother! Like her dildo collection. Her nude picture. The, rather steamy, letters we wrote to each other back several years ago. I was too slow to completely shelter him from her lingerie collection, one piece in particular that had more straps than anything else.)

And my sister, whom I hadn't even spoken to in more than two years, blew through to manage the arrangements, which is probably for the best since in recent years even at my best it would have beyond me and I'm definitely not at my best.

And two friends who abandoned us five years ago and we had not seen or heard from since came as well.

And my seventy... er, some odd year old father and his wife, despite being in failing health that has precluded them driving here for eight months made an appearance.

It should take longer, I think, to do these things we've done in the last two days. To turn my world so completely upside down. But, there is so much more I think I'm supposed to do that I don't know what, much less how. Because of my own health issues, and specifically my memory issues, I've had to totally rely on my wife to take care of telling me what I needed to do for several years now when she could not do it herself.

And once again, I seem to be running off on a tangent and beg your forgiveness.

My intent was to take this time while my step-son and his wife are asleep in the other room and I can not sleep, to check in and let those of you who have responded know just how deeply touched I am that you did. Perhaps I am odd, but your responses here have meant, arguably, more to me than the visits and phone calls throughout the days. In many ways, you people have been almost more real to me than anyone except her for the past half decade or so. Sincerely, thank you.

While I still, it seems, have the desire to touch base on here, I do not know how much longer I will have the financial means to do so. We were barely making it month to month with nothing or very little left over with both of us having a disability check. Without hers, it is questionable if I will be able continue staying here in our last refuge together. Assuming I wish to once the company disappears and I'm left alone. Internet and electricity are probably going to be the first to go, since I can't see a way I can continue to afford it during the odd moments when I am able to focus beyond how much it hurts that she is not lying there alternating between watching me type and one of her television shows.

I miss my wife.

When I can longer get on here, I will miss you guys if not as much.

Thank you. Both for the condolences and just for being yourselves.
I have just seen this thread, and read it from the beginning. I am so very sorry for your loss - mere inadequate words. I hope you can find a way to keep us company, and yourself at the same time.

I am also mystified at the comfort Lit (or a few Litsters) and the general conversation provide.
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Old 11-04-2017, 01:22 PM   #18
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Thank God October is over and done. November can't possibly be any worse.

In addition to losing my wife on 10/5, we lost my 80 year old stepmother on 10/27. I could not even remotely have been said to be coming to grips with my own grief and I had to be there for my 79 year old father for his. Phone calls between us since have sucked. One of us will say something that sets the other one off and soon both of us are bawling like little kids.

When I was five, I fell off the swingset in the back yard and broke my collar bone. I laid in the living room floor all night and screamed in pain and cried myself to sleep. The lesson I took from that was that crying doesn't do a damn bit of good and just makes the people who care about you feel bad. So, I gave up the habit for all these decades... until now.

Still doesn't do a fucking bit of good so far as I can tell. And still just makes people who care about me ( a lot fewer than there once were) feel bad. So, I pretty much try to only do that when I'm alone.

Any road, I mostly just wanted to say thank you again to all of you who stopped by and offered your thoughts and condolences.

I've been getting some encouragement to try to write some more by the kids and family and friends as well as several messages from here. It's early days to promise anything, but I may try to pull my head out of my grief and get a little something ready for the next contest. Mostly, I think, just to see if I can.

Thank you once again.
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Old 11-04-2017, 01:39 PM   #19
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Just now catching this thread; I’m very sorry for your losses. There’s no way to make any of this any easier, but I’m glad you’ve been reminded of the many people who care about you, and your wife.
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Old 11-04-2017, 02:06 PM   #20
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A big hug for you, Puckit. It's good you're getting that encouragement to write and it's good you're thinking about writing again. Keep busy and think of the happy times.
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Coming soon for the 2018 Literotica Valentine's Day competition,
- "Screw Your Roses, Asshole" (a girl, a band and a boyfriend ... what can possibly be screwed), and ...
- "Fields of Gold" (a romantic tearjerking tale of a guy, a girl and an AH64 Apache...)

Winner - 2017 Literotica April Fools Competition: "Fingerprints on my Heart"

All of Chloe Tzang's stories can be found here
Chloe supports our Veterans by drinking Black Rifle Coffee
Aaaaand... Chloe's first actual published short story ("Blood Sacrifice") now available on Amazon as part of the Sex and Sorcery 4 anthology
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Old 11-07-2017, 10:34 AM   #21
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Ayup. I took absolute and complete leave of my senses.

Back when I was seventeen and graduating from high school, I wrote a poem for my graduating class. At the time, I thought I was all that with a side of fries and the poem was pretty good.

Four years (and a little more) later, I met the woman who would become by wife. During our... well, can't really call it a courtship because I didn't really realize she was on the hunt and I was her prey. Anyway, I gave her a copy of that poem.

(Like I say, I was still pretty full of myself and thought the poem was something special.)

When we shacked up together and eventually got married, that thing hung in a frame on the wall along with some, rather questionable, art I'd done in graphite. Over the years, I managed to get rid of everything else; the art, the novels, the short stories, and a hundred and forty-four poems. But, she held tight to that poem.

Several times, I managed to get it off the wall. But, she would come along and dig it out of the trash and rehang it.

When she passed away, while the kids were helping me to go through things, I told them if they wanted the damn thing to take it. Otherwise to throw it in the garbage sack we were tossing stuff into.

Damn if they didn't put it in a box with pictures framed to hang on the wall instead.

After we lost my step-mother as well, I got in a mood for some reason. I started going through the box to hang the pictures Cheryl and I hadn't bothered to once we lost the house and moved to this little shanty. 'Lo and behold, there was that damn poem staring me in the face.

For some reason, my attitude had changed though. Instead of throwing it away, I hung it next to a picture of Cheryl with our framed wedding invitation on the other side.

To make matters worse, I'd been hearing from several people I should continue writing. But, I couldn't quite put a whole paragraph on the screen worth sharing.

In a burst of insanity, I took the poem down off the wall and typed it in and submitted it. It was accepted last night.

If I had any sense at all, I'd probably take it back down. I don't know. Maybe it isn't too terribad for a wet behind the ears 17 year old kid looking to leave family and friends behind to go off to college. But, to my more mature eyes, it has horrible meter and the rhyme scheme is stilted.

But, it was important to Cheryl, so I feel like I should share it as a way of sharing her.

On the upside, I doubt many people come to Literotica to read non-erotic poetry. So, maybe not too many people will actually see it.

Any road, the Turkey I'm working on (a Thanksgiving tale) for the Holiday contest is still in the works. Whether it will be worth burning, I couldn't really say. But, I am trying.

In the meantime, thank you for those who have taken the time to offer me words of encouragement. It has helped.
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Old 11-07-2017, 11:07 AM   #22
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As a practical matter; you don't say how old you are, but could you consider becoming a housemate with your father. Two incomes perhaps making it possible to get by.

Despite the emotional cloud that will be with you for some time, you really have no choice but to kick yourself in the ass and make some grownup decisions. Do not wait until they shut your electricity off. Or the water, or the gas. Non payment notices will make it terribly difficult to rent, or start new services in the future.

If you have disability, there are services you can access. Find them, before you are sitting on the curb with your underwear and mismatched socks in a paper bag.

Talk with your father, he's in the same boat you are, facing the loss and not knowing where to go or how to process what it takes to give a fuck.

Come here and tell us how you are doing. We are many minds with ideas to help, and a foot to kick your butt, if needed. You can do this. Start writing down lists of what must be done, what should be done, and what you want done.

Get yourself in a safe and comfortable place, then you can take your time to grieve.
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Old 12-06-2017, 05:57 PM   #23
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Just moments ago, I hit submit on a story for the Holiday contest. Frankly, I don't think the story was all that great. But, it was the best I can do right now.

And, the several of you who said I should were correct. Attempting to write it DID give me something to do besides curl in a ball and wish the world away. And if the execution was that great, I think perhaps that doesn't matter as much as the attempt in this instance.

We'll see if it squeaks past Mistress Laurel and her flogger. If not, well, I did do something besides pity party the time away for the better part of a month or more.
***

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheOldWidow View Post
As a practical matter; you don't say how old you are, but could you consider becoming a housemate with your father. Two incomes perhaps making it possible to get by.

Despite the emotional cloud that will be with you for some time, you really have no choice but to kick yourself in the ass and make some grownup decisions. Do not wait until they shut your electricity off. Or the water, or the gas. Non payment notices will make it terribly difficult to rent, or start new services in the future.

If you have disability, there are services you can access. Find them, before you are sitting on the curb with your underwear and mismatched socks in a paper bag.

Talk with your father, he's in the same boat you are, facing the loss and not knowing where to go or how to process what it takes to give a fuck.

Come here and tell us how you are doing. We are many minds with ideas to help, and a foot to kick your butt, if needed. You can do this. Start writing down lists of what must be done, what should be done, and what you want done.

Get yourself in a safe and comfortable place, then you can take your time to grieve.
Thank you very much for the thought out, and thought provoking, response TheOldWidow.

In actuality, the situation is not quite as dire as I may have implied in my pain fogged befuddlement. While it may eventually become necessary to give up internet (and phone and television since they are packaged) to make sure we have enough food for myself and the "fur babies" (or if Suddenlink pisses me off one more again), I am not in any danger of not being able to make the rent. The electric... Well, without running the fans and ac 24/7 (and rarely turning on any lights), I can handle the fifty dollar bill there.

I've continued to check on Dad each day. I hesitate say he is doing well, precisely. But, he seems to be doing better than I, mostly. Although we both have our bad days when the calls are little more than sobs from either end.

I'm hesitant to give up this place, however. Part of that is probably that this was the last place I shared with her on this earth. Some of it is the dog and three cats she left me to care for in her absence. The rest... Well, for all I'm living in a ghetto with gunfire at least a couple of times a week at night, I am in a pretty sweet spot with a store and an emergency clinic within hobbling distance when I can manage. And one really good neighbor who absolutely insists on helping out even though I try not to be a bother.

+++++

Thank you once again to all who have reached out to me here during this time.

Now, since I'm done with that pitiful attempt at a writing submission, I think I will curl up in a ball for a few days. Maybe a week. Peace upon all of you and your houses this holiday season.
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Old 12-06-2017, 06:40 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PuckIt View Post

Partially because I am really uncertain what to say.
Despite my attempts at being a writer, I generally feel I only have the lightest grasp of the appropriate.

Partially because her son from her previous marriage and his wife have been here helping me to go through all her things. (and it's been a chore to stay just enough ahead of them he doesn't happen across something he would probably not rather associate with his mother!

While I still, it seems, have the desire to touch base on here, I do not know how much longer I will have the financial means to do so. We were barely making it month to month with nothing or very little left over with both of us having a disability check. Without hers, it is questionable if I will be able continue staying here in our last refuge together. Assuming I wish to once the company disappears and I'm left alone. Internet and electricity are probably going to be the first to go, since I can't see a way I can continue to afford it during the odd moments when I am able to focus beyond how much it hurts that she is not lying there alternating between watching me type and one of her television shows.

I miss my wife.

When I can longer get on here, I will miss you guys if not as much.

Thank you. Both for the condolences and just for being yourselves.
Having been there I know exactly what its like (and I know I'm not the only Litizen to feel it).
In my own case, I was jammed shut for three days; could not get my act together at all; about the only meal I could face was a quick cereal breakfast.
Then the world, which had been on holiday somewherfe, collided with me.
And I slowly got back in it.

The pain will dull; it really will.
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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