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Old 09-23-2017, 08:32 PM   #1
Mistress809
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New author, feedback appreciated

I've read many stories on Lit over the years, but until now I hadn't taken the time to write my own stories. I've had some good feedback on my first story, but my second is hidden away in the lesser frequented Letters category (I wasn't sure where to put it really).

Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/s/for-you-40
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Old 09-23-2017, 09:47 PM   #2
Cockhole
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Good Story

I thought it was hot. Restrained in parts, I think due to the nature of the story, but still hot. I was expecting a more tame reminiscence, so the BDSM was nice twist. It reads as though it should be in Letters, so I think you placed it properly, however, it doesn't look like a letter. Perhaps provide a greeting and closing so it actually looks like a letter? I would give it 4/5 only because I felt it was a bit short. I found myself wanting more physical description of both lovers...that's a good thing!
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Old 09-23-2017, 10:22 PM   #3
Mistress809
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Thank you for your feedback. Yes, this was short, even for my preference for shorter stories. I'm still building up my stamina for writing!

I wasn't sure how to do a greeting/closing without it looking too formal. Any suggestions?
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Old 10-21-2017, 07:59 AM   #4
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I just read this, thought it was fabulous. For me it did feel like a letter but at the same time I think there are numerous categories you could have selected.
The dark despair of someone willing to selfharm or be harmed in lust is a difficult issue to portray. Itís my belief you achieved this with great aplomb. A big 5* from moi.
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Old 10-21-2017, 09:50 AM   #5
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You did a fine job of conveying a sense of the narrator's obsession and desire, but there are several ways in which it could be improved.

I thought it seemed a bit rushed, like you wrote it in the heat of passion and left it as it was. Perhaps that was your intent based on the Letter format. There are a number of simple grammatical errors that you can easily correct.

I would try to find a way to cut down on the repetitious use of "I" and "you". It gets a bit distracting at times.

I would also bust up most of the paragraphs into smaller ones. Your words convey an emotional power that is muted somewhat by the formatting.

Still, an interesting early effort and I commend you for trying something fresh.
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Last edited by MelissaBaby : 10-21-2017 at 05:40 PM.
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Old 10-21-2017, 03:14 PM   #6
AislingDaye
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It seems fine without a salutation or farewell. A more intimate perspective in my opinion.

Agreement with the other poster about the number of "I" and "you" within the story.
Such as in this sentence of yours:

"You made me feel like a goddess, and you made me feel like nothing."

Adding a bit more figurative language and descriptive words will only enhance your words.

I sensed the intensity in your writing. That's more than half the battle.
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Old 11-28-2017, 03:42 PM   #7
Touch_type
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I thought it was beautiful. Thought provoking. Given that you'll get more confident and relaxed in your ability I'd say you've got a great future.
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Old 12-03-2017, 05:33 PM   #8
LoquiSordidaAdMe
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I thought the description was really well done. There wasn't much of a narrative thread to it - it wasn't really a "story" - so I think the Letters & Transcripts category was probably the best place for it, even if it's not the most read category. A story arc isn't really necessary for this type of piece but a lot of readers expect one anyway.

Did you have an editor look over this before submitting it? A second set of eyes can catch a lot of typos and technical errors.

I'm interested to see what you come up with next.
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Old 12-06-2017, 06:33 PM   #9
CoyoteMittens
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I think, and I may be out on my own here, that it would be a more poignant story if you structured it such that we go from intense pleasure to sadness and remorse, and then add a few optimistic notes at the end. That structure is there--there's at first explicit statements of pleasure, but I think you could add more stress to the following sad aspects, maybe length that aspect.

Anywho, just an idea. Congrats on your story!
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Old 12-08-2017, 02:46 AM   #10
Mistress809
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Thanks all for the feedback. I am definitely more of an academic writer, so writing for Lit has been a very different experience for me, especially in finding how to make the work flow. I do somewhat rush the editing process, so thank you for the reminders to slow down, and perhaps find an editor to review before submission.
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