You Know You're Sexually Frustrated When...

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Artina Heartflash

*************************
Joined
Oct 26, 2002
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You know you're sexually frustrated when...

^ You write your grocery list and instead of "Diet Coke" you spell out "Diet Cock---Vanilla".

^ You think peanut butter is part of a good erotic lunchpack---and you're not Peter Pan.

^ You walk into an outhouse and HOPE to find Flukeman, the worm sucking, alien mutant, waiting in the hole to haul your ass down.

^ The highlight of your day is seeing two mutts go at it doggie style in the street---and you can't put the binoculars down.

^ Your intimate friend gives you a wet razz of a goodbye on the phone, and you wish, wish, wish you were the receiver in his palm.

Cum on, folks. I know there's someone who can add to this list...
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You know your sexually frustrated when
...Your dial massage becomes your best friend

...The wind blows and your nipples get hard and the whisper of it reminds you of your lover

...when you sit down to read about Freud and instead of thinking he is just a sexually frustrated womenizer you like the idea of lying on his couch and exploring

...when you hear a really great voice from a telemarketer and you actually listen to the pitch instead of hanging up like you usually do

---per clsc69vette
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^ You won't quit your lousy-paying job as a table waiter because the swinging kitchen doors that smack your ass when you pass through them are just TOO big a perk.

^ You realize that wind-blown, rusty-hinged, wooden gate (with gothic pickets that still excite you even as they are falling apart) does more noisy swinging than you do.

^ You go to a chili cookoff because the Slap-My-Ass/Atomic Blast hot sauce recipe is the only thing that will keep your ass warm. (Yes, Spank, I read the chili article you submitted... )

---AH
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...your girlfriend 'Palmela' turns you down for a date.

...scrambled porn on the channels you don't get thrill you

...hearing Michelle from 'American Pie' say "This one time at band camp I shoved a flute in my pussy" gives you a wood.

...knowing that someone else read my chilli-cook off thread!

Bump
Bump
Lick


---SpankMyMonkey
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Originally posted by SpankMyMonkey:

"...scrambled porn on the channels you don't get thrills you."


You watch that too, huh?! Do your hear alien sex secrets whispered in the static volume too?

YKYSFW:
^ The men in the white coats excite you with threat of a straight jacket binding---but the men in black grab you away from them before you are bound. :cool:

:heart: AH


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I can hear them much better using my secret message decoder ring!

YKYSF
...when the women in the JC Penny cataloge, lingere section look seductive!

:D Spank

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YKYSFW:
^ you receive mysterious, sexy feedback for a poem you've written, and the return path is an Excite.com addy. It's futile to reply with even a soulsword salute to Excite, because *MAILER DAEMON* always lashes back with "failure to deliver" notice. Damned mail demon.

^ you indulge in too many chocolate, syrupy donuts, and find yourself fingerpainting erotic figures in the dark drippings on the plate.

^ Looking at porn makes you more depressed than excited. Even if many of the pics are posed, the people (and/or animals/aliens/demons/bugs) in them are having more action than you are.

^ Sesame Street muppet Oscar the Grouch is becoming a sex symbol to you.

^ Myra Gulch snatches Oscar and his can up on her flaming wiskbroom and out of your reach in a whirlwind romance.

^ You think the trash collector looks more like Hugh Jackman every day.

---AH
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Furriously fuzzstrated

To the point where I could give someone claws for alarm. My buddy just cancelled our meeting for afternoon catnip tea, because he had a *rush job* come up at work. I rent a big hole in my cat suit, angrrruishing over that.

---Ruth Leslie Awnet (pronounced "ruthlessly on it"),
coogrr of AH

<swatting PC mouse hard into the litter box>

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YKYSFW
^ It's near zero degrees and you're sucking on creamsicles and drinking blue slurpees to cool down.
Don't prod me to go take a walk in the park, dear G. I might get an urge to run my tongue along the flagpole there. And with subfreezing temps, you know what can happen then...

^ you know there's more than one good way to mash an ass, but the only way yours is getting mashed is from sitting in a hard computer chair, typing at Literotica boards.

<hufffff> I've taken this GA YKYSFW list to this separate thread now. Maybe someone in Australia will jump out of the roo pocket and add to the list.

:heart: AH
 
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...you set your pager on vibrate, stick it in your croch, and page yourself repeatedly!
 
^ You go to see the play "CATS" and, within ten minutes, get nabbed by security for chewing a hole in the seat cushions. You slink out of the theatre on all fours, slipping on your own drool.

OH!! Men in cat suits! WITH *STUD* COLLARS!!!

---Ruth Leslie Awnet,
coogrr of AH
 
Re: Re: You Know You're Sexually Frustrated When...

Artina Heartflash said:
^ You go to see the play "CATS" and, within ten minutes, get nabbed by security for chewing a hole in the seat cushions. You slink out of the theatre on all fours, slipping on your own drool.

OH!! Men in cat suits! WITH *STUD* COLLARS!!!



^You get a woody envisioning wearing a cat suit and a collar and meowing outside Artina's window!

:catroar:
 
Re: Re: Re: You Know You're Sexually Frustrated When...

Dr. B Evil said:
^You get a woody envisioning wearing a cat suit and a collar and meowing outside Artina's window!

:catroar:

My coogrr craves a roar with you. She's tired of playing with her velvet piranHA.
:heart: AH
 
...you have to stop spanking your monkey because you have a bad case of friction burn.

Bump
Bump
Lick


Spank :D
 
YKYSFW

...you can type as fast with one hand on the keyboard as you with both.

Bump
Bump
Lick


Spank :D
 
YKYSFW

...you have to start buying your batteries by the case at Sam's Club.

...you walk into Wilson Leather just for the smell.

Bump
Bump
Lick


Spank :D
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: You Know You're Sexually Frustrated When...

Artina Heartflash said:
My coogrr craves a roar with you. She's tired of playing with her velvet piranHA.
:heart: AH


<Grabbing my cat 'o nines and prowling out to AH!>

:catroar:
 
Re: that avatar

Dr. B Evil said:
<Grabbing my cat 'o nines and prowling out to AH!>

:catroar:

that avatar(of man rimming woman) is your secret pleasure? You don't have a barbell-pierced tongue do you? :eek:
 
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YKYSFW

...you doctor tells you to stop wanking off or your tennis elbow will never heal

Bump
Bump
Lick


Spank :D
 
Re: Re: that avatar

Artina Heartflash said:
that avatar is your secret pleasure? You don't have a barbell-pierced tongue do you? :eek:


The AV is but one of many secret pleasures. No barbells, just a well protected and exercised tongue. Know of any marathons it could enter?
 
marathons?!

No, I dunno of any marathons, but I do know of a three ring circus. All aboard the carnal carnival train. Wooooooo.
:rolleyes:

All right. Now I'm REALLY steamed. LOL!!!

:kiss: my :rose:
 
SPANK!

Not a good idea to put a pager in a coogrr's crouch, Spank. But, hey, I just got an email advertisemnet for a vibrating rubber duckie massager! www.myduckie.com She'll go for that bird!
 
The lit member formerly known as SpankMyMonkey shall now and hence forth be known as SpankMyRubberDuckie.

That is great but I much prefer Clone Your Bone

Quack
Quack


Spank :D
 
I've known about wax and plastercasting for decades, but I have never seen nor even thought of the Match Your Snatch model idea. Magnetic refrigerator art! LOL!!!

Hope my own adult fridge art of the painted coogrr didn't sexually frustrate you more, Spank. ;) I know you were expecting some other kind of coogrr photo.

:heart:
 
I would expect nothing less from you AH after all Brevity is the sole of wit.(WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE)

Hopefully I will get an invite to come and lick you refridgerator :p

Bump
Bump
Lick (i)

Spank :D
 
<Drawing from the frozen creamsicle box>
"Post number 69 ---we have a winner. It's--- (murmuring to the coogrr :p ) pssst---swat'shisname?" Duckie or Monkey?

YKYSFW:
^ you register for a free tongue workout at BJ's---and your number is drawn, but the ticket collector can't read your name to confirm your winnings.
:heart: AH

OBTW---(Oh, Butt to Whip)--- Check your other mail, Spank. I sent another photo.
 
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YKYSFW
...you start quoting Shakespeare and Clemens in you sig line at LIT

Bump
Bump
Lick (i)

Spank :D
 
YKYSFW
...you find out that (i) is the internet symbol for a vagina and add that to your sig

Bump
Bump
Lick (i)


Spank :D
 
YKYSFW
....you change your bed time prayer from:
Lord,
I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and likes to golf.
Amen

TO:
Lord,
I pray for a women with a heartbeat.
Amen


Bump
Bump
Lick (i)


Spank :D
 
bug zapper alert

SpankMyMonkey said:
I would expect nothing less from you AH after all Brevity is the SOLE of wit.(WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE)


"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." (Samuel Clemens)

<pointing my soulsword of lightning at what looks to be a lightning bug> "SOLE" or "SOUL"? Spank, check your spelling in that quote you posted. Before I grab your pierced ear and drag you out back to whup your monkey with an eraser...

woman with a heartbeat
:heart: AH
 
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AHA!

This business is well ended.
My liege, and madam, to expostulate
What majesty should be, what duty is,
Why day is day, night night, and time is time,
Were nothing but to waste night, day and time.
Therefore, SINCE BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF WIT, and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,
I will be brief: your noble son is mad:
Mad call I it; for, to define true madness,
What is't but to be nothing else but mad?


from The Bard's "Hamlet"

Madness: sexual frustration resulting from the limbs and outward flourishes being "tedious."

<Artina puts her boot SOLE lovingly but swiftly against Spank's flank, in brief play.>

:heart: AH
 
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