Msdirtylittlesecret
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Can anyone give me some feedback on the first chapter of my story, The Watercolor? Would love to know what you guys think. 
My First Story here.
- Thread starter Msdirtylittlesecret
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sr71plt
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Dream_Operator
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It's a nice opening chapter, fairly well written. Like most beginning writers the focus is on description and backstory, and mostly tell and not show. An example of this is when Christian arrives at Morgan's dorm room. Instead of showing us interacting with each other and putting us in the scene, you tell the beginning and middle of the scene in summary.
One thing that threw me was the timeline. The blurb says "A painting loved for over 7 decades." Which would set the flashback (beginning) in the middle of WWII, and make the situations and the character's actions not realistic.
Another thing I noticed, at one point you switch to exclusively using "she" rather than character's name Morgan. It nice to switch back and forth to break up the repetition of the sentences.
One thing that threw me was the timeline. The blurb says "A painting loved for over 7 decades." Which would set the flashback (beginning) in the middle of WWII, and make the situations and the character's actions not realistic.
Another thing I noticed, at one point you switch to exclusively using "she" rather than character's name Morgan. It nice to switch back and forth to break up the repetition of the sentences.
Comentarista82
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feedback, general and structural
“The Watercolor,” Ch. 1
You set the scene well and you excel describing the character’s feelings and settings. You use good transitions to continue the reading flow from paragraph to paragraph. You establish the “why” behind the flashback that explains her reverie outside when the story began and best of all, you establish credibility with how you explain Morgan’s waiting for Christian and what happened to create such wistfulness in her; sometimes an author doesn’t provide a compelling reason or reasons for the attraction or circumstances that drew two people together, but you performed this well and therefore you made your story very plausible and very realistic (in other words, this could have been any woman’s story). You organize events logically and this streamlines the flow.
As for things to work on, be careful of including run-on sentences, which interrupted the reading flow at several places. Also consider using more punctuation to improve emphasis and explanation. Finally, eliminate any unneeded word redundancies and economize wording where possible.
----------------------------------------
Below are some specific examples that stuck out, and I’ve included corrections:
“she had finally retired and her husband had passed leaving her alone with the lack of distractions. Which in turn, had lead her to reflect on her life more often that she liked to.”
--Run-on @ which, so modify to remove (here is one way): ...leaving her alone with the lack of distractions--which in turn had led her to reflect on her life more often than she liked.
Use the hyphens when you want to especially emphasize an explanation, which emphasizes more than using a colon.
“Morgan gently rocked back and forth, listening to the chair creek against the floorboards.”
--...listening to the chair creak against the floorboards…
Remove some unneeded word repetition.
“The smoke from her chimney blew off over towards the mountains and it reminded her of a painting she had hanging in the foyer. It was her favorite painting.”
Modify like this (one possibility):
--The smoke from her chimney blew toward the mountains and it reminded her of a painting she had hanging in the foyer; it was her favorite.
The semicolon links similar independent clauses of near-equal or equal value and using it continues the thought and the flow.
“Out of the thousands of dollars worth of artwork hanging in her home, a simple, worthless painting of an autumn scene is what held the most incredible value.”
--Contradiction: this is not “worthless” to her: she treasures it--however, it is simple and that describes it best. So eliminate “worthless" and combine thusly (also note economizing words by using more active/transitive verbs):
“Out of the thousands of dollars worth of artwork hanging in her home, a simple painting of an autumn scene possessed the most value.”
Great time to use semicolons since these link a series of events (eliminate “up” since when you hang a painting, it implies “up”):
“Oddly enough, it never left her sight for long: she had hung it in her parent's house when she had to move back in after separating from her first husband; she hung it in the first apartment she moved into by herself; she even kept it after she and her second husband moved in together and they had their first child.”
Necessary word missing:
“...and even to this day she could never find the right words to explain he made her feel.”
--”and even to this day she could never find the right words to explain how (or what) he made her feel.”
Run-on here w/mood error:
“After a while, they had both sat down on the bed talking as they normally do. As if nothing was wrong and nothing had interfered with their friendship.”
Change like this:
--“After a while, they had both sat down on the bed talking as they normally do--as if nothing were wrong and nothing had interfered with their friendship.”
Fix the name:
“In between listening to Chris's problems…”
--Should be “Christian’s...”
-----------------------------------------------
It would interest me to read Ch. 2.
“The Watercolor,” Ch. 1
You set the scene well and you excel describing the character’s feelings and settings. You use good transitions to continue the reading flow from paragraph to paragraph. You establish the “why” behind the flashback that explains her reverie outside when the story began and best of all, you establish credibility with how you explain Morgan’s waiting for Christian and what happened to create such wistfulness in her; sometimes an author doesn’t provide a compelling reason or reasons for the attraction or circumstances that drew two people together, but you performed this well and therefore you made your story very plausible and very realistic (in other words, this could have been any woman’s story). You organize events logically and this streamlines the flow.
As for things to work on, be careful of including run-on sentences, which interrupted the reading flow at several places. Also consider using more punctuation to improve emphasis and explanation. Finally, eliminate any unneeded word redundancies and economize wording where possible.
----------------------------------------
Below are some specific examples that stuck out, and I’ve included corrections:
“she had finally retired and her husband had passed leaving her alone with the lack of distractions. Which in turn, had lead her to reflect on her life more often that she liked to.”
--Run-on @ which, so modify to remove (here is one way): ...leaving her alone with the lack of distractions--which in turn had led her to reflect on her life more often than she liked.
Use the hyphens when you want to especially emphasize an explanation, which emphasizes more than using a colon.
“Morgan gently rocked back and forth, listening to the chair creek against the floorboards.”
--...listening to the chair creak against the floorboards…
Remove some unneeded word repetition.
“The smoke from her chimney blew off over towards the mountains and it reminded her of a painting she had hanging in the foyer. It was her favorite painting.”
Modify like this (one possibility):
--The smoke from her chimney blew toward the mountains and it reminded her of a painting she had hanging in the foyer; it was her favorite.
The semicolon links similar independent clauses of near-equal or equal value and using it continues the thought and the flow.
“Out of the thousands of dollars worth of artwork hanging in her home, a simple, worthless painting of an autumn scene is what held the most incredible value.”
--Contradiction: this is not “worthless” to her: she treasures it--however, it is simple and that describes it best. So eliminate “worthless" and combine thusly (also note economizing words by using more active/transitive verbs):
“Out of the thousands of dollars worth of artwork hanging in her home, a simple painting of an autumn scene possessed the most value.”
Great time to use semicolons since these link a series of events (eliminate “up” since when you hang a painting, it implies “up”):
“Oddly enough, it never left her sight for long: she had hung it in her parent's house when she had to move back in after separating from her first husband; she hung it in the first apartment she moved into by herself; she even kept it after she and her second husband moved in together and they had their first child.”
Necessary word missing:
“...and even to this day she could never find the right words to explain he made her feel.”
--”and even to this day she could never find the right words to explain how (or what) he made her feel.”
Run-on here w/mood error:
“After a while, they had both sat down on the bed talking as they normally do. As if nothing was wrong and nothing had interfered with their friendship.”
Change like this:
--“After a while, they had both sat down on the bed talking as they normally do--as if nothing were wrong and nothing had interfered with their friendship.”
Fix the name:
“In between listening to Chris's problems…”
--Should be “Christian’s...”
-----------------------------------------------
It would interest me to read Ch. 2.
Last edited:
Dream_Operator
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“The Watercolor,” Ch. 1
It would interest me to read Ch. 2.
It's already been posted:
The Watercolor Ch. 02
Comentarista82
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Thanks for advising, Dream_Operator. Already read it.
ElectricBlue
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Laughed at this little gem, to be honest. Note when editing somebody else's work, read thine own words closely before publishing. Just playin' ya, mate, don't take offence
Note to OP, take care to refine your own style, otherwise you might turn into your editor. For example, there is a subtle difference between
versus "... and I've suggested possible improvements."
Msdirtylittlesecret
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“The Watercolor,” Ch. 1
You set the scene well and you excel describing the character’s feelings and settings. You use good transitions to continue the reading flow from paragraph to paragraph. You establish the “why” behind the flashback that explains her reverie outside when the story began and best of all, you establish credibility with how you explain Morgan’s waiting for Christian and what happened to create such wistfulness in her; sometimes an author doesn’t provide a compelling reason or reasons for the attraction or circumstances that drew two people together, but you performed this well and therefore you made your story very plausible and very realistic (in other words, this could have been any woman’s story). You organize events logically and this streamlines the flow.
As for things to work on, be careful of including run-on sentences, which interrupted the reading flow at several places. Also consider using more punctuation to improve emphasis and explanation. Finally, eliminate any unneeded word redundancies and economize wording where possible.
----------------------------------------
Below are some specific examples that stuck out, and I’ve included corrections:
“she had finally retired and her husband had passed leaving her alone with the lack of distractions. Which in turn, had lead her to reflect on her life more often that she liked to.”
--Run-on @ which, so modify to remove (here is one way): ...leaving her alone with the lack of distractions--which in turn had led her to reflect on her life more often than she liked.
Use the hyphens when you want to especially emphasize an explanation, which emphasizes more than using a colon.
“Morgan gently rocked back and forth, listening to the chair creek against the floorboards.”
--...listening to the chair creak against the floorboards…
Remove some unneeded word repetition.
“The smoke from her chimney blew off over towards the mountains and it reminded her of a painting she had hanging in the foyer. It was her favorite painting.”
Modify like this (one possibility):
--The smoke from her chimney blew toward the mountains and it reminded her of a painting she had hanging in the foyer; it was her favorite.
The semicolon links similar independent clauses of near-equal or equal value and using it continues the thought and the flow.
“Out of the thousands of dollars worth of artwork hanging in her home, a simple, worthless painting of an autumn scene is what held the most incredible value.”
--Contradiction: this is not “worthless” to her: she treasures it--however, it is simple and that describes it best. So eliminate “worthless" and combine thusly (also note economizing words by using more active/transitive verbs):
“Out of the thousands of dollars worth of artwork hanging in her home, a simple painting of an autumn scene possessed the most value.”
Great time to use semicolons since these link a series of events (eliminate “up” since when you hang a painting, it implies “up”):
“Oddly enough, it never left her sight for long: she had hung it in her parent's house when she had to move back in after separating from her first husband; she hung it in the first apartment she moved into by herself; she even kept it after she and her second husband moved in together and they had their first child.”
Necessary word missing:
“...and even to this day she could never find the right words to explain he made her feel.”
--”and even to this day she could never find the right words to explain how (or what) he made her feel.”
Run-on here w/mood error:
“After a while, they had both sat down on the bed talking as they normally do. As if nothing was wrong and nothing had interfered with their friendship.”
Change like this:
--“After a while, they had both sat down on the bed talking as they normally do--as if nothing were wrong and nothing had interfered with their friendship.”
Fix the name:
“In between listening to Chris's problems…”
--Should be “Christian’s...”
-----------------------------------------------
It would interest me to read Ch. 2.
Thank you for all your help and lovely feedback! I appreciate all the detailed help so I may know what to look for in the future, my only disagreement is about the name. The reason for the shortening is because his name isn't just Christian. He has a nickname, which is Chris. So I've chosen to interchange the two because Morgan would know him by both names and often use both as well.
AwkwardMD
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I didn't make it very far, more due to scheduling than not liking it, but I was immediately struck by telling and not showing.
Backstory is fine. Personal history is fine. When you get to the character that painted the watercolor in question, that should have been the moment to stop telling. You showed us a polaroid of a human when you could have introduced us to him. You could have showed us why he was so enthralling. You could have showed us why he made such an impression so quickly. Instead, you just told us that he was enthralling and that the protagonist was immediately struck by him.
Written stories, as a medium, have real strength in the ability to paint a picture, metaphorically speaking. Because the reader's eyes are engaged in letters and characters, in lines on a page, it's easy for them to imagine so much more. More so than, say, movies and TV. Writing is the superior medium for that kind of fantasy. Use that.
Backstory is fine. Personal history is fine. When you get to the character that painted the watercolor in question, that should have been the moment to stop telling. You showed us a polaroid of a human when you could have introduced us to him. You could have showed us why he was so enthralling. You could have showed us why he made such an impression so quickly. Instead, you just told us that he was enthralling and that the protagonist was immediately struck by him.
Written stories, as a medium, have real strength in the ability to paint a picture, metaphorically speaking. Because the reader's eyes are engaged in letters and characters, in lines on a page, it's easy for them to imagine so much more. More so than, say, movies and TV. Writing is the superior medium for that kind of fantasy. Use that.
ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
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Yes, gotta say, lots of telling me what's happened, but I wasn't feeling much. There were times when a few rabbit holes appeared, and I thought, oh good, we're going to go down one. But then you told me some thing else. Which was bit of a shame, coz the writing technically is good, it's got a good flow, it's readable.
The problem is the back story, I think, rather than putting me in the story. Does that make sense?
Tigersman
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I read chapter 1 all the way through. I only found one word misspelled which was 'creek'. Spellcheck let this slide since 'creek' is a word but not the right word for your use. You meant to use 'creak' like the door had a creak that needed oiling. Some sentences were of the run-on variety while others needed a little work so they could be joined with the previous sentence.
I would suggest you get an editor to help out.
I would suggest you get an editor to help out.
One personal issue is that I don't care for long paragraphs. Maybe that's just me. It makes reading the story feel like a chore.
As for something more useful, I'd say my main issue is that I'm seeing a lot of stuff I've already seen 100 times elsewhere.
My advice is throw something new at the reader. Maybe, describe things a different way, or take a more indirect approach.
Again, I speak only for myself.
You're more than welcome to look at my work to see something done in a little bit different a way.
I just can't get through a lot of erotica simply because it doesn't engage me. It doesn't grab my interest from the beginning. I feel like I'm having to just get through half the story before anything interesting will happen.
I have no idea how helpful this will be, but these are my honest feelings.
As for something more useful, I'd say my main issue is that I'm seeing a lot of stuff I've already seen 100 times elsewhere.
My advice is throw something new at the reader. Maybe, describe things a different way, or take a more indirect approach.
Again, I speak only for myself.
You're more than welcome to look at my work to see something done in a little bit different a way.
I just can't get through a lot of erotica simply because it doesn't engage me. It doesn't grab my interest from the beginning. I feel like I'm having to just get through half the story before anything interesting will happen.
I have no idea how helpful this will be, but these are my honest feelings.
Can anyone give me some feedback on the first chapter of my story, The Watercolor? Would love to know what you guys think.
ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
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Not just you - it's a fairly regular go around here on Lit, suggesting writers think about the different reader platforms being used. I think it may even be mentioned in the site notes to writers:
avoid walls of text, use white space to make it easier on the eye...
Good paragraphing is an important writer skill, I think.
8letters
Writing
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* Your first three paragraphs really do nothing to tell the story about Morgan and Chris' affair. I'm not a patient erotica reader and was thinking about the Back button after reading them
* The next three paragraphs set up the conversation between Morgan and Chris
* Despite having read six paragraphs, I confused on the basics. Is the conversation taking place in England? Did they meet in England while both were going to school there and continued their friendship when they returned to the US? How long have they know each other? How old are they? Fiancee of seven years implies to me at least late twenties but Chris walks through Morgan's dorm room door. Is he much older than Morgan?
* All those paragraphs of telling, then Morgan says seven words and they're fucking. Dialog is the best way to let us get to know characters, to see the chemistry between them. Your ratio of narrative summary to dialog is way, way too high
* The next three paragraphs set up the conversation between Morgan and Chris
* Despite having read six paragraphs, I confused on the basics. Is the conversation taking place in England? Did they meet in England while both were going to school there and continued their friendship when they returned to the US? How long have they know each other? How old are they? Fiancee of seven years implies to me at least late twenties but Chris walks through Morgan's dorm room door. Is he much older than Morgan?
* All those paragraphs of telling, then Morgan says seven words and they're fucking. Dialog is the best way to let us get to know characters, to see the chemistry between them. Your ratio of narrative summary to dialog is way, way too high
ElectricBlue
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8letters, I'm amused by this (gently, not harshly). This sounds pretty much what some folk said about your recent story, run in this very same feedback forum
robertreams
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Sorry to come banging in here but you asked for a critique. For starters, the first paragraph is full of useless crap that gets in the way of your telling.
It was a crisp autumn day and Morgan sat outside on her front porch. She sat in her old rocking chair wrapped in her favorite dark green cardigan feeling the wind blow through the porch and hitting her face softly. It was days like these that she would sit and remember an impossible dream that she once thought of all too often. She was much older now, not nearly as pretty with wrinkles on her face and long gray hair. Her children were grown and moved away, she had finally retired and her husband had passed leaving her alone with the lack of distractions. Which in turn, had lead her to reflect on her life more often that she liked to. (141 words)
here is how I would clean it up after I wrote it:
On a crisp Autumn day, Morgan sat on her front porch in her old rocking chair, wrapped in her favorite dark green cardigan. The wind blew softly through the porch, caressing her face. On easy days like this, she would sit, remembering the dream she had once all too often dreamed. But she was older now, less pretty, her face wrinkled and hair gray. Her children had grown and gone, her husband passed away. She was retired, distractions gone. She had time to reflect more often than she liked. (89 words)
(Much of this is merely style, I don't suggest you adopt mine, but after I write anything I put it through a word search for "and" and "that", "suddenly" and other words I have a tendency to overuse. "That" is usually totally unnecessary, "and" often reveals a run-on. Not every noun and verb need modifiers, the fewer the better. Inn a sentence like "She sat outside on the front porch." All readers would assume that the porch is not inside, so there is no need to tell us unless there is a specific reason, such as an (?) inside porch.)
Later when the action gets hot, you should consider using shorter sentences to make the action more intense.
"Not long after a few loving gentle thrusts Morgan could tell that Christian gave up all control of himself and he let out a loud groan as he pushed past her tight walls again and again; this time faster and with more fervor. His hands roamed up and down her body before finally settling on her breasts. He pulled and pinched her nipples as he fucked her. The sensation caused Morgan's vision to go starry and her moans got louder and louder as she neared orgasm." (84 words)
(After a few gentle thrusts, Morgan lost control of himself, groaning loudly as he pushed trough her tight walls faster and with more fervor. His hands roved her body, settling on her breasts. He pulled and pinched at her nipples as he fucked her hard. Megan's vision went starry. She moaned louder. Her orgasm neared. (53 words)
You have a good start. As you grow more confident, you will find you have less need to qualify things: "nearly", "almost", etc. After all, this is porn, we don't want our characters "almost" anything, unless it leads to a bigger build up, a stronger longer orgasm. Please learn to recognize run-ons and avoid them, they weaken your writing
It was a crisp autumn day and Morgan sat outside on her front porch. She sat in her old rocking chair wrapped in her favorite dark green cardigan feeling the wind blow through the porch and hitting her face softly. It was days like these that she would sit and remember an impossible dream that she once thought of all too often. She was much older now, not nearly as pretty with wrinkles on her face and long gray hair. Her children were grown and moved away, she had finally retired and her husband had passed leaving her alone with the lack of distractions. Which in turn, had lead her to reflect on her life more often that she liked to. (141 words)
here is how I would clean it up after I wrote it:
On a crisp Autumn day, Morgan sat on her front porch in her old rocking chair, wrapped in her favorite dark green cardigan. The wind blew softly through the porch, caressing her face. On easy days like this, she would sit, remembering the dream she had once all too often dreamed. But she was older now, less pretty, her face wrinkled and hair gray. Her children had grown and gone, her husband passed away. She was retired, distractions gone. She had time to reflect more often than she liked. (89 words)
(Much of this is merely style, I don't suggest you adopt mine, but after I write anything I put it through a word search for "and" and "that", "suddenly" and other words I have a tendency to overuse. "That" is usually totally unnecessary, "and" often reveals a run-on. Not every noun and verb need modifiers, the fewer the better. Inn a sentence like "She sat outside on the front porch." All readers would assume that the porch is not inside, so there is no need to tell us unless there is a specific reason, such as an (?) inside porch.)
Later when the action gets hot, you should consider using shorter sentences to make the action more intense.
"Not long after a few loving gentle thrusts Morgan could tell that Christian gave up all control of himself and he let out a loud groan as he pushed past her tight walls again and again; this time faster and with more fervor. His hands roamed up and down her body before finally settling on her breasts. He pulled and pinched her nipples as he fucked her. The sensation caused Morgan's vision to go starry and her moans got louder and louder as she neared orgasm." (84 words)
(After a few gentle thrusts, Morgan lost control of himself, groaning loudly as he pushed trough her tight walls faster and with more fervor. His hands roved her body, settling on her breasts. He pulled and pinched at her nipples as he fucked her hard. Megan's vision went starry. She moaned louder. Her orgasm neared. (53 words)
You have a good start. As you grow more confident, you will find you have less need to qualify things: "nearly", "almost", etc. After all, this is porn, we don't want our characters "almost" anything, unless it leads to a bigger build up, a stronger longer orgasm. Please learn to recognize run-ons and avoid them, they weaken your writing
Last edited:
AwkwardMD
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What I think is hilarious is how many guys have crawled out of the woodwork to mansplain Show Don't Tell (or whatever) to a writer named "msdirtylittlesecret". This is the most responses to a request for feedback that any thread has gotten, without significant debate, all year. Meanwhile, ChloeTzang's excellent Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow or engine1844's good but flawed Dominated in Brazil have so few responses.
Don't get me wrong; more feedback is better. Everyone wins. I'm just seeing a lot of names I don't normally see and I don't think it's a coincidence.
(Feefback forum regulars should consider themselves exempt from this criticism)
Don't get me wrong; more feedback is better. Everyone wins. I'm just seeing a lot of names I don't normally see and I don't think it's a coincidence.
(Feefback forum regulars should consider themselves exempt from this criticism)
Last edited:
8letters
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You don't mention names, but let me say that Tigersman has edited my last few stories. He's edited stories for lots of writers. He's taking a break from editing right now and I guess he is giving feedback to keep his hand in the game. robertreams is a long-time provider of feedback and gave me feedback for my first few stories. He's in-and-out on the forums.
As for the stories you cited, there are lots of topics that just turn me off. Sex workers is one. Noncon is another. BDSM is a third. Cuckolding where the person being cuckold facilitates it happening is yet another. I'm not saying there's something wrong with those topics and I know there's an audience for them. But I'm not in that audience.
Then there are other topics that I'm not interested in and won't provide feedback for, but I might in the right circumstance. Lesbian stories would fall into that category - I've provided feedback on only one Lesbian story and that was because that author had given several writers really good feedback.
So I'm not surprised that a vanilla romance will get more people providing feedback than stories that have somewhat unpopular topics.
AwkwardMD
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Godspeed to anyone who wants to contribute more. I will happily apologize to anyone who makes a point to keep showing up and contributing. More opinions helps everyone. All I am pointing out is that this is an auspicious place for an abundance of men to show up out of nowhere.
robertreams
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Thanks for the mention. A short explanation. I used to be a regular, but now most of my life is involved with staying alive. I have already lived three years after they said I would be gone, so I am even more successful at that than being a writer. However, I am a strong believer in experience, and I have a ton, so I am hanging in there. I noticed some other critiques agreed with me at least in part, so I guess I am more than merely alive. I also am finishing some of my serial stories, so look for me under new submissions again. In fact I have recent poem. Was it accident or fate that titled it "Him Him"
robertreams
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Well, here goes for chapter two: with my suggested changes. You need to use simple straightforward language. Writing is about communicating. It is nt about how difficult you can make your writing for your reader,s but how hard you are wiling to work to make the message easier for them..
(Morgan jolted awake, her bed cold and a cold fear in her heart. She looked around the room. Christian was nowhere to be seen.
He'd left.
He had fucked her and left her.
Pain welled in her chest. Tears filled her eyes. She pulled up the blanket to cover her naked body, feeling ashamed, stupid, and dirty, despite having anticipated he would use her and discard her. Pain shot through her again; she felt as if her heart would give out.
She rested her head on her knees and sobbed. Terrible thoughts ran through her mind, filling her with undefined emotions. Anger rose; she sobbed even harder.)
Read what you wrote as if you were someone picking it up for the first time. If you read a sentence that says: The sadness went away, replaced by anger, I cried." You should go, HUH, as I did. Every "up",down", "in", "out", "inside", etc. should be examined to determine its necessity. Getting feedback from me and others does not matter if you don't use it. Every second or third sentence is a run-on. Advice from an old time writer, editor and teacher Get yourself a good guide to go by, My favorite is called "Strunk and White," "The Elements of Style" Then get yourself a good editor.
(Morgan jolted awake, her bed cold and a cold fear in her heart. She looked around the room. Christian was nowhere to be seen.
He'd left.
He had fucked her and left her.
Pain welled in her chest. Tears filled her eyes. She pulled up the blanket to cover her naked body, feeling ashamed, stupid, and dirty, despite having anticipated he would use her and discard her. Pain shot through her again; she felt as if her heart would give out.
She rested her head on her knees and sobbed. Terrible thoughts ran through her mind, filling her with undefined emotions. Anger rose; she sobbed even harder.)
Read what you wrote as if you were someone picking it up for the first time. If you read a sentence that says: The sadness went away, replaced by anger, I cried." You should go, HUH, as I did. Every "up",down", "in", "out", "inside", etc. should be examined to determine its necessity. Getting feedback from me and others does not matter if you don't use it. Every second or third sentence is a run-on. Advice from an old time writer, editor and teacher Get yourself a good guide to go by, My favorite is called "Strunk and White," "The Elements of Style" Then get yourself a good editor.
Last edited:
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 18, 2006
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Methinks you were the one making a big to do about nothing.
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