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Old 08-12-2017, 05:05 PM   #126
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The reality of her words struck me - she didn't deserve me?

Then I realized that maybe she was putting aside our opposite stations in life and looking for what we could offer each other as persons - equal in our complexities, our problems, our questions about our futures....

Maybe I could do that as well. After all, there were times when I was with her that I saw past the money and prestige. In those times, I saw her at her most vulnerable....as she was seeing me now.

"Clarissa, you have already shown me growth since that first night at the gallery. I see a little of who you are underneath all of those layers you put up in front of people. I like this new Clarissa very much, and I want to be a part of her life."

"That is, if you'll let me, because I'm pretty sure I need you more than you need me."
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:17 PM   #127
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His words felt good but the memory of my time with Pierce earlier rushed back at me and I felt sick. I wished it hadn't happened but it had and it rested heavily on me. I fiddled with the buttons on my white blouse and tried to think of something to say and I couldn't. It must have been obvious how uncomfortable I felt.
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:23 PM   #128
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I waited for an answer.....it didn't come. I could see the thoughts swirling in her mind, and once again all of my insecurities came rushing forward. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't have said what I did, I shouldn't hope that there will ever be that special one for me.

Perhaps I could learn to be okay as Kristy's husband again.....I know the kids would love that.

"I'm sorry, Clarissa. That was unfair of me to think things like that. Thanks for all the kindness you have shown me. I really did mean it when I told you I had seen something new appearing. Stay with that, and you'll be great."

I turned to leave, but I had to do one more thing - I felt maybe she would understand just how much I appreciated what she had done for me.

I turned back around, and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek....
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:43 PM   #129
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Part of me wanted him to leave so that I could cry and work myself out and let go, but when he stepped up to go it stabbed at me and I almost called out to him to stay but I didn't. I walked with him to the door as he apologised and I was mute and he stopped to kiss me goodbye on the cheek and I leant in.

Our lips met and I dropped caution and kissed him with the passion that I felt. I pressed to him and tried not to think and hoped he wouldn't pull away, hoped he wouldn't go. It tasted somehow familiar but also as new as it should and I didn't want to break away. I could smell his cologne and I was burning up.
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:50 PM   #130
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It was real and it was unplanned, and it was the most passionate kiss I had ever experienced. For once, I felt extra emotion building inside as she pressed against me, and instinctively, my arms wrapped around her as I pulled her close.

For one brief wondrous moment, all of the insecure thought vanished. Was that telling me something? Was she the answer to my insecurities - had I found the one with whom I could be myself, never doubting?

I wanted it to go on forever - I felt as if she was my lifeline, and if I let go, I'd sink back into the abyss again. But I knew we had to stop...I knew this was either the beginning of something potentially incredible, or the end of what wasn't meant to be, and I wanted to know which one it was.

I broke the kiss, and looked down into her deep eyes and simply said, "Clarissa...."
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Old 08-13-2017, 10:14 AM   #131
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I wanted more but my mind was heavy. The time with Pierce was there in my head and it weighed too much. I tried to wish it away but it had happened, had happened a few hours ago, and I couldn't drive it out.

Joe said my name and I knew we both felt a need for each other. His eyes were honest and I felt mine were in hiding. I shouldn't have invited him here. Not tonight. I needed space, and time, and I was spinning for him and needed control back.

I struggled to speak for a moment. "Joe.... you have to leave." I could see the hurt it did to him immediately, and he didn't understand. My heart was thumping painfully and I just wanted to escape. "I'm sorry. I just.... I can't do this right now." I opened the door and couldn't look at him. He was wounded and tired and needed me and I was throwing him out. And so soon. I fixed me gaze on the floor and held the door and waited. Waited for him to go.
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Old 08-13-2017, 02:51 PM   #132
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I was trying to figure this out. Two things came to mind - the first was that I was seeing the Clarissa from the gallery, who struggled so much in dealing with conflict in her feelings that she ran away from them. Suddenly I was a problem, and she didn't want to deal with it, so I was being dismissed with the rest of the garbage.

Then I realized something else...she wasn't single. I had not even thought of that possibility before, and I began to chastise myself. My feelings for her had clouded my judgment, and I had made assumptions I shouldn't have before I knew her situation better.

So I started for the door, and I squeezed past her and onto the sidewalk, but then I stopped and remembered the kiss we just shared. That kiss wasn't because she was polite. There was something behind that kiss, feelings and desire. I wasn't ready to just walk from that.

So I looked at her and said, "Clarissa, if you really want me to, I'll go and not come back. But until you look me in the eyes and tell me that's what you want, I'm not going to believe you. I at least deserve that."
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Old 08-18-2017, 06:30 PM   #133
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I wasn't ready for him to say that, to force me to confront what I was doing. The urge to relent and embrace him and more was powerful. But my compulsion to be alone to wade through my thick feelings was stronger. I forced myself to look at him, it stung.

"I want you to go," I said quietly.
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Old 08-18-2017, 10:29 PM   #134
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Larry Gossard's fists to my face didn't hurt nearly as much as Clarissa's words. I had no choice but to leave. Without saying a word, I turned and walked to my truck, my head numb, my heart aching.

How was I going to do this? How was I going to get her out of my mind? It was clear that I was not wanted, and would never be. Whether it was indeed a boyfriend, or just the gap in our social standing, I had nothing that could close that chasm between us. The kiss had been real, or so I thought. Maybe I didn't know what a real kiss was.

I started the truck and pulled out into the street. I did not want to go back to the apartment - I was already depressed enough the way it was. I did not want to be alone, but the only person I wanted to be with had just sent me on my way. So I threw all common sense aside, and called the only person who I knew would accept me.

After two rings, the phone was answered on the other end. "Kristy......."
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Old 08-19-2017, 07:02 AM   #135
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The evening dragged out. I put the day out of my mind- something I could do sometimes, but not very often. Instead of thinking about Joe and Pierce and family and sex I wandered through my mind's history and thought of life before, before being an adult and before worry and stress and dullness.

I missed the thrilling teenage years. In my twenties now and a young woman to the world but tonight I felt old and weary. I could still conjure the feeling of seventeen and setting out into life to leave childhood and with all the optimism and hope and the I-can-do-anything that was then. I longed for my flower-like life.

The music I listened to was sad but it soothed and I lay on my bed and sank into the lyrics..... "You've a face..... that I've loved like a doll whose features have rubbed off....."
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Old 08-19-2017, 12:33 PM   #136
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"....there was an incident today. I'm okay, but I got beat up pretty bad."

There was a pause on the other end, and then finally Kristy said, "I'm glad you're okay - thanks for letting me know. Do you want me to tell the kids?"

Something wasn't right - I thought she would have been more emotional as I shared the news with her.

"No, they probably don't need to know. I was wondering if......well, I was wondering if I could drive over and see you - and them."

Another pause..."Tonight? Joe, I'm kind of busy this evening, but do you want to come over tomorrow?"

I knew right away - the gut twinge I felt when she said that told me she was with Stan or Steve or whatever his name was. The darkness in my mind clamped down harder as I replied, "Uh....maybe, I'll let you know how I feel in the morning."

As I took the phone from my ear to cut off the call, I heard her call out "Joe....." but didn't take time to reply. What a fucking fool I was...not one, but two women out of my life in a 15 minute time window. Had to be some kind of record.

I knew what I needed - something I hadn't had in too long of a time. I knew where to get it. I pointed the truck towards the south end. Hooker's Row, we called it. Normally my prey there would be hookers to arrest. Tonight it was hookers to fuck. I knew where they were - I knew one of these women wouldn't turn me down.....
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Old 08-27-2017, 07:22 PM   #137
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I decided to go to bed. It was a desperate decision because I wanted to escape from myself and that can be hard. Maybe away asleep I might go somewhere else. And bring back some ideas with me. Some of those would be useful now. Joe and the changes in my life were circling. I tried not to wonder where he was. Or where I was going.
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Old 08-27-2017, 08:18 PM   #138
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Darkness had fallen by the time I entered Hooker's Row, and it didn't take me long to spot the one I had probably arrested more than any other. She had a full name and a rap sheet as long as a month, but tonight I wasn't going to care about those things. Tonight, she was Angel, her street name.

I parked next to her and she walked over. I was curious to see if she recognized me, since we had a history together. Sure enough, when she looked in the car and saw who I was, she turned and headed the other way.

I called out after her, "Angel - I'm not working tonight, I promise. Come and see - civilian clothes, no badge or gun."

She came back over to the window, now perhaps more curious than anything else. She looked at me and asked, "What's going on, Joe? If you're not trying to bust me, then why are you here?"

I swallowed, and then said, "I need your services tonight - get in the car."

The look of shock on her face was quickly evident. All she could do was start shaking her head 'no' repeatedly.

I tried to change her mind. "Angel, I'm serious - I'm really not here to bust you. I could really use your companionship tonight...I'll pay and everything, just a regular transaction, like you always do."

She glared at me and said, "Joe, I believe you that you're not going to bust me. You've always been honest with me. I'm also flattered that you would come to me. But you don't want this...I don't know what's going on in your life right now, but two-bit whore like me isn't the answer to your problems.

"Joe, you're a good guy. I know you'll hate yourself if you go through with this. Go home, sleep it off, and start over again tomorrow. Whatever it is that is troubling you right now will be much easier to tackle in the light of day."

Leave it to a Hooker's Row prostitute to know more about what was best for me than I did. I got out of the truck and walked around to where she was. She looked warily at me as I reached her and wrapped her up in a hug. When I released her, I smiled and said, "I hope I don't have to pay for that!"

She laughed and replied, "Normally that's a $10 move, but for you, that one's on the house. But listen - I'm being nice to you tonight....maybe you could be nice to me the next time you come down here to arrest me!"

It was my turn to laugh. "Deal, Angel - thanks! Good luck tonight...and I don't want to hear about it!"

She kissed me on the cheek and said, "Goodnight, Joe - I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!"

I got back into my truck and pulled away. There was only one place to go now - I began the 20-minute drive to my apartment.
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Old 08-28-2017, 01:09 PM   #139
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It was warm, far too warm. I stripped myself and lay there with the thinnest blanket I had and I stared up at the dark ceiling and it stared back.

"I can't take it," I whispered to nobody. I missed the life I never had. Stuck here alone, stuck here with myself. Stuck here in the room of the spirits. Trying not to wonder what tomorrow will bring, trying to be a different kind of romantic.

Thoughts of my car and the open road and a few goobdye notes on the table assailed me and it was the spectre of the gallery only that kept me. Something to try for even though in a way less passionate, in a way more grim, but still determined. I didn't want to fail with it as it was a part of myself and an important one and very urgent and it needed me. Hard to place the finger on why. The pictures.... not by me, but by me chosen, and a public display of taste and belief and self which is surely what we all want.
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Old 08-28-2017, 01:40 PM   #140
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I hated this apartment. It could have been the most lavish penthouse in the best building in the city, and I would have hated it. It was the symbol of my failure - my failure as a husband, as a father....even as a friend, looking for a new relationship. I hated it because it when I was there, I was alone. My own little self-pity chamber, where the lonely walls only magnified the despair I was feeling.

I looked for positives in my life...certainly my kids were on that list, but because of my failure to love their mother, I was a part-time father at best, seeing them every other weekend, when my schedule allowed. In other words, not being a very good father at all.

I had my job - right now it was the only constant in my life, an anchor to which I clung as the rest of things that were important to me continued to swirl down the drain. And yet for the next week, even my job was alienating me because of the restricted duty upon which I was placed after my altercation with Larry Gossard.

I tried to sleep, but it was useless. The taunts of failure kept screaming at me in my head. I tried to drown out the noises, but it was useless. So I lay on the bed and stared at the blank ceiling, realizing that there was no color or flavor in my life. I was trapped in a spinning void, with no control over saving myself...
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:28 PM   #141
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I found myself at the gallery in the morning, early. I'd taken myself there half-dreamlike and now I was sat down at the desk and working through emails and oganising affairs. The hard inside me from last night had stayed and coloured itself into something useful and I felt I could do this.

The morning rolled on through and I made some calls and reassured various artists and collaborators that the gallery was staying, going nowhere. They consumed my assurances with hunger and I knew that they had the same need as I did. Taking a short break, I walked the floors of the space and examined the paintings as if to see something I hadn't and something not there.

More than once my hand went to my cell phone, to call Joe, to share something, but I resisted. Pierce had sent a mess of messages to amuse and flatter me but I barely registered them.
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:34 PM   #142
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I must have dozed at some point in time, because I wasn't aware when the sun had come up and night had turned into day. I got up to look in the mirror, and saw a bruised and beaten face looking back at me. The swelling was much worse today, but the doctor in the ER had told me to expect that.

I found some extra strength Tylenol and took some. I checked my phone...8:30 a.m., and no messages. I'm not sure who I was expecting to contact me. Maybe instead of "expecting," the word I should have used was "hoping."

I thumbed through the messages from her. I still wasn't exactly sure why she had suddenly changed her attitude towards me without warning, but I was becoming more and more confident that I wasn't the only guy in the picture.

But I still couldn't get my mind off of that kiss....if there was another guy, then why did she kiss me like that? What signal was she sending me? Or did I misinterpret the kiss, thinking it was special, when maybe it was just because she felt sorry for me?

My shift started at 4:00 this afternoon...the time between now and then was going to be difficult. I looked at her number in my phone...she had been pretty adamant about wanting me to leave. But I sure wanted to call her. I wanted to hear her voice...feel her touch...look into her eyes....
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Old 08-30-2017, 06:27 PM   #143
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Lunch time approached and my day followed itself on productively. Everyone involved with the gallery was still keen, and relieved to know I wasn't closing it already, which made me think that maybe the incident hadn't been too big. Maybe a brotherly fight broken up by security was just expected from the Barringtons. Part of the entertainment if a little over-dramatic. Nothing to hold against us.

What I was less sure about was how to deal with my family. How to somehow draw a line, never my strong point. I could hardly draw a line in the sand with anyone.... Pierce, Joe.... always going further than I intended. Always revealing more flesh and blood and desires and mind.
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Old 08-30-2017, 06:47 PM   #144
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The sitting around, doing nothing but staring at the television that wasn't even turned on, was about to drive me crazy. I had to do something, but what? It was still a couple of hours before my shift began, and yet I wasn't about to go in early - doing that nearly got me killed yesterday.

I glanced at my phone again - no messages. I needed to talk to her, maybe to confirm that there was officially no chance...or maybe to see if there might even be the slimmest possibility of a chance. I knew I needed to be with someone, and since it appeared that Kristy was out, Clarissa was my last chance before I tried something else.

Without realizing it, my fingers had dialed her number. I heard it ring a couple of times, and then the telltale sound that let me know it was answered. Here we go......

"Clarissa, it's Joe. I just wanted to call and apologize. Had I realized you already had a boyfriend, I never would have come over....."
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:09 PM   #145
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My heart thumped against me hard when he said that. I couldn't see how he could know. Was he assuming that? I felt already that I shouldn't have answered. I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on the desk and breathed and composed myself.

"What do you mean by that, Joe?"
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:14 PM   #146
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"It was something I never considered when I was getting to know you, and so I probably pushed harder than I should have. My wrong assumption clouded the issue for me, and I'm sure it was uncomfortable for you, even though you were always gracious to me until last night when I clearly pushed too far."

This still didn't explain the kiss, but then I really wanted to kiss her and didn't do anything to control myself, so I had to take that blame as well.

"I'm sorry, Clarissa - you are a great girl and I hope you have a wonderful life together. He's lucky to have you."
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:26 PM   #147
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I had some words but stumbled on them and choked them back to say something else instead.

"I don't really have anyone Joe. It's just me. I don't get along too well with anyone, and I'm not too sure about myself either. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you."
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:32 PM   #148
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It was time to get to the bottom of this....I felt this was the penultimate moment in there being a potential relationship with us. But I also needed to keep calm, since it seems she had reverted back into her "poor little helpless rich girl" routine.

"Then why the change of attitude last night? Why were we doing so well, and then suddenly I was given the bum's rush? I just need to know the truth, so I can have peace of mind and move on if need be."
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:36 PM   #149
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I felt guilty and I didn't like it. I wanted out of the conversation, away from considering my part in the mess and how I should feel and other people's feelings and all of everything. And a part of me whispered deep in my mind..... who is he to talk to me like that? And the voice was angry and so was mine.

"Fuck you Joe. I don't have to explain myself to you and I don't have time for this. Don't call me again."

I hung up and wanted to scream and wanted to cry but I went back to my work instead and I tried not to think about what I'd said.
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:43 PM   #150
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The phone went dead....the chase was over. I was tired of running after her as she ran away from responsibility in her life. If she wanted to hide behind the stacks of money in her life and play second fiddle to the men of that family, why should I care? Apparently I was more interested in her potential than she was.

But no more. I had to focus and find out what to do next. There weren't many options left, and the ones I could see weren't going to save what was breaking in me...
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