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Etiquette for responding to PM's

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jonnysimple

Really Experienced
Joined
Nov 5, 2015
Posts
112
I've just had a very negative experience and would like to know your opinion. Someone responded to a PM saying they were into BDSM and possibly wanted to play, but that they were at work and would get back to me "later tonight." I waited close to one week for a response. I then gave her a time when I would no longer be interested to hear from her, since this felt like a game she was playing (which I've experienced several times before). She responded by blaming me for being pushy and "too needy" and ended the conversation.

My question is of etiquette; Did I not handle this correctly? How would YOU have handled it?
 
jonnysimple said:
I've just had a very negative experience and would like to know your opinion. Someone responded to a PM saying they were into BDSM and possibly wanted to play, but that they were at work and would get back to me "later tonight." I waited close to one week for a response. I then gave her a time when I would no longer be interested to hear from her, since this felt like a game she was playing (which I've experienced several times before). She responded by blaming me for being pushy and "too needy" and ended the conversation.

My question is of etiquette; Did I not handle this correctly? How would YOU have handled it?
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I don't necessarily think you did anything wrong. I think this is more an issue of expectations than etiquette. You expected that someone who was interested would be as eager or serious about what they're doing as you. They weren't, and thought you were being pushy. Someone else might have not thought you were pushy in that circumstance.
 
jonnysimple said:
I've just had a very negative experience and would like to know your opinion. Someone responded to a PM saying they were into BDSM and possibly wanted to play, but that they were at work and would get back to me "later tonight." I waited close to one week for a response. I then gave her a time when I would no longer be interested to hear from her, since this felt like a game she was playing (which I've experienced several times before). She responded by blaming me for being pushy and "too needy" and ended the conversation.

My question is of etiquette; Did I not handle this correctly? How would YOU have handled it?
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It's possible that she was being defensive if you accused her of playing games. I mean she has no obligation to engage with you as quickly as you want unless you both agree to that beforehand.
 
Personally, I feel it's rude to send someone a note, receive a timely response and then keep that person waiting a week. I think your response was fair and reasonable, and you were more than patient.

If it were me, I would have let you know that I didn't feel we were a good match and move on with no hard feelings, but not have kept you waiting.
 
jonnysimple said:
I've just had a very negative experience and would like to know your opinion. Someone responded to a PM saying they were into BDSM and possibly wanted to play, but that they were at work and would get back to me "later tonight." I waited close to one week for a response. I then gave her a time when I would no longer be interested to hear from her, since this felt like a game she was playing (which I've experienced several times before). She responded by blaming me for being pushy and "too needy" and ended the conversation.

My question is of etiquette; Did I not handle this correctly? How would YOU have handled it?
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Then again she could have been up front and honest with you about when she'd plan on getting back to you. Some people are just literal. That should be respected. Interesting that she then turned this all back around on you. She was the one who should not have promised something that could not then come to fruition. Sure this is the internet. But all of us still have feelings.

Still there are more men than women around these parts from what I can see. So women have the chance to be very selective about who they do choose to correspond with. Which means that initiating and sustaining attention can be a challenge. You did not do anything wrong. Seems like she just maybe was looking for someone to be available when she was looking for it and ready. No need to force what is not there.
 
Gianbattista said:
I think a follow up 'are you still interested?' Message is fair certainly,:) but I would not have reacted well to an accusatory pm as a very early days communication, if nothing had been discussed about nature of this , it would have made me rather concerned.
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Agreed. Keep in mind also that women on Lit get a lot of pms from men. I can't believe how many I've already gotten since I signed up such a short time ago.
 
Gianbattista said:
I think a follow up 'are you still interested?' Message is fair certainly,:) but I would not have reacted well to an accusatory pm as a very early days communication, if nothing had been discussed about nature of this , it would have made me rather concerned.

However...I do not play at all, being in a totally monogamous relationship, so take my comment in that light, that in have never had an Internet relationship.
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This is all very well said. No need to accuse per-se. Still a reason to wonder. Only because she's the one who said when a reply could be expected. Then did not respond after a full week had passed.

The internet is full of people looking to selfishly play. With little or no regard for anyone else. Ones who will say anything and everything just to be noticed or to get something. I guess this is just the nature of the beast.

Other people here value connections. No matter the initial medium of contact. It is something which can prove to be meaningful.

Conflictions come as a result. Just an inevitable effect of the differences.
 
Some clarifications; it wasn't a full week, but 4 days. My "accusation" was simply to say that I don't like games, so respond by this date or I'll assume the original PM was not of a serious nature.
 
jonnysimple said:
Some clarifications; it wasn't a full week, but 4 days. My "accusation" was simply to say that I don't like games, so respond by this date or I'll assume the original PM was not of a serious nature.
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I don't think I'd have bern rude, but I don't think I'd have been interested in pursuing anything if someone gave me an ultimatum in the first couple messages. In fact, ultimatums aren't a good negotiation tool at all. It's one thing to make what you need to go forward very clear up front. It's another to make demands.
 
SpunThings said:
I don't think I'd have bern rude, but I don't think I'd have been interested in pursuing anything if someone gave me an ultimatum in the first couple messages. In fact, ultimatums aren't a good negotiation tool at all. It's one thing to make what you need to go forward very clear up front. It's another to make demands.
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I would agree if this were a regular conversation, but saying "we should play" initiates an expectation on my part that affects my personal planing. For example; the intent to play for me is something serious, and entails making plans and arrangements, let alone the initial "getting to know you" phase which is already quite a lengthy process. So if I'm to expect a four days wait per conversation iteration, then this puts me on hold for that time, as I don't play with multiple partners at the same time. My first response to the play suggestion was to say "hey sure, then let's talk" which I believe was clear enough.
 
jonnysimple said:
Some clarifications; it wasn't a full week, but 4 days. My "accusation" was simply to say that I don't like games, so respond by this date or I'll assume the original PM was not of a serious nature.
Click to expand...

Taking your post at face value (There's also her side of this tale) I personally would assume that she had changed her mind if she did NOT "show" at the time specified. I most certainly would NOT have waited for four days and to be honest, and probably would not have sent ANY messages to her after that.

To be blunt, waiting for four days and THEN sending a message of the nature that you sent, made you sound like you were "needy" - a trait submissives rarely, if ever, find attractive in a Dominant.
 
Tech_Director said:
Taking your post at face value (There's also her side of this tale) I personally would assume that she had changed her mind if she did NOT "show" at the time specified. I most certainly would NOT have waited for four days and to be honest, and probably would not have sent ANY messages to her after that.

To be blunt, waiting for four days and THEN sending a message of the nature that you sent, made you sound like you were "needy" - a trait submissives rarely, if ever, find attractive in a Dominant.
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Good point, I should have simply let it go and if she replied, then continue the conversation. My only issue, as I mentioned before, was being timely in responding due to the context of the conversation. I do see your point about coming off as needy.
 
You also need to keep in mind that people are busy. There is work, perhaps parents , children , other family, a home.. in short other commitments that most likely are more important than responding to a pm for play.

Four days is not much time at all, after two weeks if you were still interested you could have sent her a quick "hi, how are you?" type of pm. Accusing her of playing games was very rude.
 
jonnysimple said:
I would agree if this were a regular conversation, but saying "we should play" initiates an expectation on my part that affects my personal planing. For example; the intent to play for me is something serious, and entails making plans and arrangements, let alone the initial "getting to know you" phase which is already quite a lengthy process. So if I'm to expect a four days wait per conversation iteration, then this puts me on hold for that time, as I don't play with multiple partners at the same time. My first response to the play suggestion was to say "hey sure, then let's talk" which I believe was clear enough.
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Did you make it clear to her that you wouldn't pursue other people while the two of you were exploring the possibility of play together?

Her expectations of what follows the "Let's play" message may very well be different than yours, especially since it seems you two are not on the same page as to the seriousness of this. The vanilla world gives us this illusion that there's a way things are done, but so many interpersonal conflicts come from a different idea of what that way is, all the time both people are assuming everyone is in agreement.

The short answer is that you have to be very up front with what you are looking for, and try not to make assumptions. Also, not everyone is going to be on the same page as you, and that just means you're incompatible.
 
jonnysimple said:
I would agree if this were a regular conversation, but saying "we should play" initiates an expectation on my part that affects my personal planing. For example; the intent to play for me is something serious, and entails making plans and arrangements, let alone the initial "getting to know you" phase which is already quite a lengthy process. So if I'm to expect a four days wait per conversation iteration, then this puts me on hold for that time, as I don't play with multiple partners at the same time. My first response to the play suggestion was to say "hey sure, then let's talk" which I believe was clear enough.
Click to expand...

Also, your expectations are not her problem, they're yours unless she has explicitly agreed to meet them.
 
SpunThings said:
Did you make it clear to her that you wouldn't pursue other people while the two of you were exploring the possibility of play together?

Her expectations of what follows the "Let's play" message may very well be different than yours, especially since it seems you two are not on the same page as to the seriousness of this. The vanilla world gives us this illusion that there's a way things are done, but so many interpersonal conflicts come from a different idea of what that way is, all the time both people are assuming everyone is in agreement.

The short answer is that you have to be very up front with what you are looking for, and try not to make assumptions. Also, not everyone is going to be on the same page as you, and that just means you're incompatible.
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I guess being an older man (I'm 53 but look 30 so that's my age in LIT :)) I expect when someone says "I'll answer you tonight" then I expect at last an apology when they forget, or can't. If that's needy... well... then I'm on the wrong planet.
 
jonnysimple said:
I guess being an older man (I'm 53 but look 30 so that's my age in LIT :)) I expect when someone says "I'll answer you tonight" then I expect at last an apology when they forget, or can't. If that's needy... well... then I'm on the wrong planet.
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She obviously doesn't live up to her agreements. She's obviously not compatible with you. I'm sorry but I missed that part from the beginning. I think all the rest is irrelevant. She said she would, didn't, and got defensive when approached about it. You should thank her for making her character and your incompatibility very clear from the start.

And this has nothing to do with age. There plenty of 53 year olds who don't follow through with their agreements and get defensive when called out on it.
 
jonnysimple said:
How true :):)
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Obviously, either way, you and her have since moved on, so...trying My BEST New York Accent....."Ferget about it..."...

There are a ton of ladies on lit that can potentially appreciate what you have to offer, so, enjoy the "hunt" and go find one that WILL show up for a play date when she says she will.
 
Tech_Director said:
Obviously, either way, you and her have since moved on, so...trying My BEST New York Accent....."Ferget about it..."...

There are a ton of ladies on lit that can potentially appreciate what you have to offer, so, enjoy the "hunt" and go find one that WILL show up for a play date when she says she will.
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Yes I know, have moved on, but it really stung, and I kept questioning my handling of the situation. I'll be ok, have gotten through MUCH worse. :) I take GREAT care and put a huge amount of value on being a generous person, so getting slapped in the face like this isn't fun.
 
jonnysimple said:
Yes I know, have moved on, but it really stung, and I kept questioning my handling of the situation. I'll be ok, have gotten through MUCH worse. :) I take GREAT care and put a huge amount of value on being a generous person, so getting slapped in the face like this isn't fun.
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I suspect at your age that you've been "slapped" in the face before and I seriously doubt it will be the last time, but, take heart in that because you are now in a position when you can say,

"I've been slapped in the face by BETTER women than you, chere and lived through it."

There ARE an awful lot of people you will encounter with what I refer to as "bad manners" and obviously you found one of them. C'est la vie, Mon ami, c'est la vie.
 
jonnysimple said:
Yes I know, have moved on, but it really stung, and I kept questioning my handling of the situation. I'll be ok, have gotten through MUCH worse. :) I take GREAT care and put a huge amount of value on being a generous person, so getting slapped in the face like this isn't fun.
Click to expand...

I know that it sucks when people are not as respectful back. I would just not have as much expectation going forward. Continue to be honest and open and associate with those who you can relate to. Don't worry about those who are not like you. You're not going to change them. Trying to get them to do so is most likely going to only piss them off. Realize that you can only control your own self.

Try to perhaps take this unfortunate negative experience as a learning and positive one going forward. If you do that then this cannot have been a waste of time.

So there is no reason to try to make anything work. No reason to even focus any longer on what never was. Simple as this. In the end you were/are just not looking for the same thing.
 
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