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Old 04-23-2010, 07:57 PM   #1
Hot_Sister
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What am I doing wrong?

I'm a relatively new author to Literotica, but have written six stories in the last couple of months. I didn't use an editor because the two I contacted when I first started didn't respond, so I pressed on. I'm pretty pedantic about my writing so I got by in terms of grammar. The feedback I've had (not that there is very much) has been good.

My stories are all running at between 4.12 and 4.48. I guess this means that more people are voting "4" than "5". I'd really like to have a few of the coveted "H" symbols next to my stories, and I figure there's nothing wrong in striving to be very good, and trying to improve my work.

The trouble is, I don't know how to improve! I'd really appreciate any feedback from anyone who has time to read a bit of my stuff. Is it my style of writing? Am I too long-winded? Is there a formula that I haven't figured out? Maybe I'm on the wrong genre? Maybe I should just stick to my day job!!

All my work up to now has been in the incest category, with brother/sister theme, but within the stories there is consensual m/f and f/f sex with a third party. I try to be realistic, which means 'building the scene' (I think).

You can find me at http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...hp?uid=1171352

Hope that someone can give me a clue.....I'd really appreciate your time as I know folk are invariably busy.

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Old 04-23-2010, 08:14 PM   #2
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"When I look back on the circumstances of the whole affair I am struck by the fragility of the chain of events that drove what happened; and how, if any one of the links of that chain had been broken, the events that turned so many lives into turmoil would have been avoided. Had I understood the consequences and where they were leading to, I would have deliberately broken the chain myself - never to experience the unutterable joy of the moments that it would bring, or the despair that would fill the remainder of my life around them. Such is life. It is easy to look back and dream that destiny could have taken a different course, but it is also an act of futility. What happened happened, and I must live with the consequences."

I'm just a tree, but this is fucking hard work to read. You can probably say all that in about two lines. I prescribe re-writing this without pretending that you're George Elliot.

Now. Suck my trunk.
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Old 04-23-2010, 08:53 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Hot_Sister View Post
...
Hope that someone can give me a clue.....I'd really appreciate your time as I know folk are invariably busy.

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Old 04-23-2010, 10:05 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by TheRapeTree View Post
"When I look back on the circumstances of the whole affair I am struck by the fragility of the chain of events that drove what happened; and how, if any one of the links of that chain had been broken, the events that turned so many lives into turmoil would have been avoided. Had I understood the consequences and where they were leading to, I would have deliberately broken the chain myself - never to experience the unutterable joy of the moments that it would bring, or the despair that would fill the remainder of my life around them. Such is life. It is easy to look back and dream that destiny could have taken a different course, but it is also an act of futility. What happened happened, and I must live with the consequences."

I'm just a tree, but this is fucking hard work to read. You can probably say all that in about two lines. I prescribe re-writing this without pretending that you're George Elliot.

Now. Suck my trunk.
There is a certain eloquence to the opening, one that does set up (presumably) the remaining story. I am basing this on the snippet I see here. Could be worded better but as is not bad, IMHO. Others may disagree.

But then I lean to kindness. Nice so far, keep writing.
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Old 04-23-2010, 10:07 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by TheRapeTree View Post
"When I look back on the circumstances of the whole affair I am struck by the fragility of the chain of events that drove what happened; and how, if any one of the links of that chain had been broken, the events that turned so many lives into turmoil would have been avoided. Had I understood the consequences and where they were leading to, I would have deliberately broken the chain myself - never to experience the unutterable joy of the moments that it would bring, or the despair that would fill the remainder of my life around them. Such is life. It is easy to look back and dream that destiny could have taken a different course, but it is also an act of futility. What happened happened, and I must live with the consequences."

I'm just a tree, but this is fucking hard work to read. You can probably say all that in about two lines. I prescribe re-writing this without pretending that you're George Elliot.

Now. Suck my trunk.
Go back to sucking your walnuts, lol.
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Old 04-23-2010, 10:42 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRapeTree View Post
"When I look back on the circumstances of the whole affair I am struck by the fragility of the chain of events that drove what happened; and how, if any one of the links of that chain had been broken, the events that turned so many lives into turmoil would have been avoided. Had I understood the consequences and where they were leading to, I would have deliberately broken the chain myself - never to experience the unutterable joy of the moments that it would bring, or the despair that would fill the remainder of my life around them. Such is life. It is easy to look back and dream that destiny could have taken a different course, but it is also an act of futility. What happened happened, and I must live with the consequences."

I'm just a tree, but this is fucking hard work to read. You can probably say all that in about two lines. I prescribe re-writing this without pretending that you're George Elliot.

Now. Suck my trunk.
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Originally Posted by AsylumSeeker View Post
Go back to sucking your walnuts, lol.
Sorry AS, I agree with the tree on this one. If I turned to the story as a reader, I would click out before the next paragraph.

The first two sentences are far too long. The third is only three words, so there is no flow within them. All those words tell us little. They are vague, their meaning indistinct, imprecise, and lacking details. And to me, dull.
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Old 04-23-2010, 10:52 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by TheRapeTree View Post
"I'm just a tree, but this is fucking hard work to read. You can probably say all that in about two lines. I prescribe re-writing this without pretending that you're George Elliot.

Now. Suck my trunk.

Thanks....I asked the question and I got advice.
George Eliot I am not....and if I were, I accept that Literotica wouldn't the right medium. There's a neat irony in your advice, because George Eliot once wrote "Excessive literary production is a social offense." Pity he didn't take his own advice. I'll take yours on board but I'll pass on sucking the trunk, thanks.
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Old 04-23-2010, 11:11 PM   #8
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The writing is nineteenth-century. There will be those who like this and those who don't. Many of the folks coming here for reading are looking for gratification today, not the pace of nineteenth-century prose. Your ratings indicate that you're actually doing quite well for the century you've chosen to write in on an erotica story site.

The first sentence starts off with punctuation problems. There should be a comma after the introductory clause (after affair), and the use of the semicolon before the "and" isn't grammatical (at least in American English). Semicolons aren't used to separate independent clauses and dependent clauses in American grammar. This would have been a good place to end that first sentence and go on to the next sentence.

What this opening tells readers (if this is the opening to one of your stories) is to sit back patiently and wait (maybe interminably) for something to actually happen or some actual information to be conveyed. What your ratings tell me is that you were probably very, very lucky to have attracted readers who like their erotica to build that slowly.

If you like the way you write yourself, maybe, as suggested up the line, you should stop worrying about the ratings and be happy you've gathered the readers you have.
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Old 04-23-2010, 11:15 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Hot_Sister View Post
Thanks....I asked the question and I got advice.
George Eliot I am not....and if I were, I accept that Literotica wouldn't the right medium. There's a neat irony in your advice, because George Eliot once wrote "Excessive literary production is a social offense." Pity he didn't take his own advice. I'll take yours on board but I'll pass on sucking the trunk, thanks.
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Ummmmm, George Eliot was a woman (Mary Ann Evans).
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Old 04-23-2010, 11:39 PM   #10
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Ummmmm, George Eliot was a woman (Mary Ann Evans).
Sorry, I am wrong. Was just tryingto help others. Wondering why I continue..

As long as SR is here, my time is wasted
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Old 04-23-2010, 11:49 PM   #11
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Sorry, I am wrong. Was just tryingto help others. Wondering why I continue..

As long as SR is here, my time is wasted
I didn't see where you were wrong. I think the author can write like that if she/he wishes. They just have to expect mixed reaction. I think the ratings received have been quite good.
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Old 04-23-2010, 11:59 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by AsylumSeeker View Post
Sorry, I am wrong. Was just tryingto help others. Wondering why I continue..

As long as SR is here, my time is wasted
No, it isn't wasted.

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I didn't see where you were wrong. I think the author can write like that if she/he wishes. They just have to expect mixed reaction. I think the ratings received have been quite good.
Mixed reactions are quite common when you have so many people around here too. Which is a good thing since one can learn a lot from the assorted comments.
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Old 04-24-2010, 12:09 AM   #13
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You've already gotten several opinions on the excerpt you posted Sister. The great thing about erotica is that it's tremendous fun to write, and even if you do not choose to share it, it's still great fun! That being said, erotica is one of the most difficult genres to write well, because so many people have so many different opinions (as you've seen in this thread) of what's hot and what's not. I'm not a huge fan of the 19th century writing style you're using, but many others enjoy that style very much. If you like it, write it, and ignore the tree - and me. :-)

The best advice I can give is to write for yourself, and don't worry about the ratings. Find an editor you like and can work with; one who doesn't try to take away the voice and character of your work. Ultimately, it is YOUR work, not the editor's, and you are the one who must be happy with the finished product. Take a look at stories you've read and enjoyed, contact the authors and find out who their editor was, if they used one at all, and see if those editors have some space for you. Above all, seek an editor who will give you constructive criticism that will help you improve - not just someone that says 'this sucks" or who just fixes what he or she thinks is wrong without giving you the benefit of feedback, or an opportunity to argue your case.

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Old 04-24-2010, 03:38 AM   #14
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Since I am easily confused, I thought the affair took place under the "rape tree". This lead me to the idea that instead of starting out the story referring to the affair, you could have referred to the tree, which would have given the reader a mysterious visual to ponder. Then I realized "rape tree" was a poster, not a part of the story, but I still think you could have mentioned a bed, or a bedroom, or some sort of location rather than just the generic "affair" which conjures up no particular image for the reader.

(I am not an editor, so my advice should probably be ignored.)
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Old 04-24-2010, 10:11 AM   #15
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Waaah. I agree with the Rape Tree (I quite like saying that).

It not that it's poor quality writing, it's just that it's over-convoluted and therefore a bit difficult to follow. You can simplify what you're trying to say and still retain your eloquence. I would have a look at the more minimalist style of writers such as Brett Easton Ellis and Joyce Carol Oates for inspiration. The best editor I ever had made me strip my sentences until they were a stitch aware from bare; it was the best advice I ever had.

Remember - impact comes from a single word, not always a single sentence.
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Old 04-24-2010, 01:41 PM   #16
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Thanks for the advice....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
Ummmmm, George Eliot was a woman (Mary Ann Evans).
Begad! (Now that's a 19th Century word!)....you learn something every day. In my defense, any woman who choses to be called "George" should expect some gender-bending from folk like me who aren't particularly well read.

Next you'll be telling me that God is a woman....


On a more general note, I appreciate the comments in this Thread. Ratings do matter to me (for right or for wrong) and, as I said earlier, I see no harm in trying to improve both them and myself. The paragraphs that have been the subject of much of this debate were the very first that I wrote and I take the point that they are old fashioned and boring. I'll fix them, and put the brush over the rest of my stuff.

Thanks again.

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Old 04-24-2010, 02:47 PM   #17
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Next you'll be telling me that God is a woman....
Well . . . yes . . . in fact. I've always said so--just to enjoy the sound of the teeth gnashing.
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Old 04-24-2010, 07:51 PM   #18
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No, it isn't wasted.



Mixed reactions are quite common when you have so many people around here too. Which is a good thing since one can learn a lot from the assorted comments.
Yes, you are right of course. SR is quite helpful at times, he has offered assistance to me on multiple occasions. I was just passionate at the moment. Dissenting ideas are a good thing, one learns from them.

Hoping all is well with you!
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Old 04-25-2010, 08:48 AM   #19
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Begad! (Now that's a 19th Century word!) ...
Actually it was late sixteenth century in the UK, but of course US English had not been invented then.
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Old 04-25-2010, 05:22 PM   #20
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Actually it was late sixteenth century in the UK, but of course US English had not been invented then.
Yep. I'm from Australia. We're still using it......
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Old 04-25-2010, 05:31 PM   #21
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Can anyone recommend an Editor to me? My stories are generally of 5-10,000 words, mostly about brother/sister sex (although my next one is more likely an Erotic Encounter), and, I hope, won't be written in 19th Century convoluted style (although in my defense I don't think much of my other work has reflected those first couple of paragraphs that have been the subject of the above debate). I'd really like someone to work with but haven't had much luck in finding anyone so far.
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Old 04-25-2010, 10:44 PM   #22
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Can anyone recommend an Editor to me? My stories are generally of 5-10,000 words, mostly about brother/sister sex (although my next one is more likely an Erotic Encounter), and, I hope, won't be written in 19th Century convoluted style (although in my defense I don't think much of my other work has reflected those first couple of paragraphs that have been the subject of the above debate). I'd really like someone to work with but haven't had much luck in finding anyone so far.
HS
I would normally step up and volunteer but I am at present inundated. If you are still in need in a week's time, an offer may be tendered. Your choice.
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Old 04-25-2010, 11:45 PM   #23
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There's no room at my inn either. Perhaps next month.
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Old 04-26-2010, 03:06 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hot_Sister View Post
Can anyone recommend an Editor to me? My stories are generally of 5-10,000 words, mostly about brother/sister sex (although my next one is more likely an Erotic Encounter), and, I hope, won't be written in 19th Century convoluted style (although in my defense I don't think much of my other work has reflected those first couple of paragraphs that have been the subject of the above debate). I'd really like someone to work with but haven't had much luck in finding anyone so far.
HS
I can take a look at one of your stories. PM me for contact information.
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Old 09-17-2012, 07:33 PM   #25
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Thanks....I asked the question and I got advice.
George Eliot I am not....and if I were, I accept that Literotica wouldn't the right medium. There's a neat irony in your advice, because George Eliot once wrote "Excessive literary production is a social offense." Pity he didn't take his own advice. I'll take yours on board but I'll pass on sucking the trunk, thanks.
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Erm... George Elliot was NOT a man... you might just check on that!
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