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Old 08-26-2007, 02:33 PM   #2626
sweet_marie
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I'm doing a wierd thing.....a very wierd thing. I'm asking you to join me.

I'm writing a book, its therapy for my heart. The thing is I need people to read as I write.

Sooooooo

I'm doing this method where you have the main character write you a letter after you rough draft about 8 chapters.

Then you start from the beginning using that letter as an outline (and I hate outlines!!!) and write your book.

I don't know if this is horseshit or not. But I would really like to know if anyone likes what I've come up with.

I am going to blog it at the below address, and you if you have comments please feel free

http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-58pHz...nFYNc5pI-?cq=1

Thanks and have a great weekend and thanks for tolerating my "wierdness". I think I'm hormonal but I really don't care at this point.

Chances on looking at this post in two weeks and hiding in a bucket of sand?
Very good.


for the crazy girl!

Marie
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Old 08-26-2007, 11:30 PM   #2627
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dont ever tell them u understand how they feel...unless u have been there and through it yourself.

help them build up their trust again by showing and demonstrating that every future relationship they seek out doesnt mean it will be the same as how the bad one was. abuse of any form will likely cause some massive trust issues and unfortunately when trust is that badly destropyed, its very hard to realize that what one person did or how they treated you is not how everyone you have a relationship with thereafter will treat you.
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Old 08-27-2007, 12:08 AM   #2628
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nickollette
dont ever tell them u understand how they feel...unless u have been there and through it yourself.

help them build up their trust again by showing and demonstrating that every future relationship they seek out doesnt mean it will be the same as how the bad one was. abuse of any form will likely cause some massive trust issues and unfortunately when trust is that badly destropyed, its very hard to realize that what one person did or how they treated you is not how everyone you have a relationship with thereafter will treat you.
Plus each person is different too.

All this thread was started for was for one person who was at a very low point in their life & I was desperate to find ways to help & the thread has grown from there.

Some have vanished from Lit, some are doing very well & even some have met & fallen in love *Me & BANDIT * but all still have issues with trust issues, self doubts, self esteem, confidence, communication & a host of other things that rattle around from time to time often surfacing when least expected.
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A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

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Old 09-07-2007, 01:22 AM   #2629
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gil_T2
Plus each person is different too.

All this thread was started for was for one person who was at a very low point in their life & I was desperate to find ways to help & the thread has grown from there.

Some have vanished from Lit, some are doing very well & even some have met & fallen in love *Me & BANDIT * but all still have issues with trust issues, self doubts, self esteem, confidence, communication & a host of other things that rattle around from time to time often surfacing when least expected.
Hey Gil, nice toy on your pic!

About your post, I think that the hard rub (and not a pleasant one!) comes when you are forced to make a choice to love....even when everything you have survived is urging you to just pack it up, say "Fuck this shit" and move the hell on.

Because sometimes, in the post-abuse part of life, I am finding (and am by absolutely no means profficient at it) that sometimes, just leaving at the first sign of "danger", and by that I mean something that is remarkably like what we endured before...can sometimes be the incorrect action. I am currently wading through such a situation, where someone was just being drunk and stupid (I was not hurt) and something happened that was exactly like something I had endured as a girl.....and since there were other friends involved, how do you build bridges, love on the friends not involved and then not put them in the middle while still building relationships with them.....and on top of that, gracefully not go into pure fighting survival mode with the issue that put your world into a tailspin....and on top of that, keep up with your bills, training your dogs, taking exams, and dealing with work intelligently and with grace.

Yeah.

There are time you really just need a beer, a hug, and then you get in the tub, relax....and then safely say Fuck This Shit.

Then you get up and face another day.

And you end up feeling like James Bond in a way.

Well, that's all for my ramblings.

Night all and love and hugs for all.......

Marie
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You donít remember me, but I remember you.
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you.
But who can decide what they dream?
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Old 09-12-2007, 10:14 PM   #2630
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweet_marie
Hey Gil, nice toy on your pic!

About your post, I think that the hard rub (and not a pleasant one!) comes when you are forced to make a choice to love....even when everything you have survived is urging you to just pack it up, say "Fuck this shit" and move the hell on.

Because sometimes, in the post-abuse part of life, I am finding (and am by absolutely no means profficient at it) that sometimes, just leaving at the first sign of "danger", and by that I mean something that is remarkably like what we endured before...can sometimes be the incorrect action. I am currently wading through such a situation, where someone was just being drunk and stupid (I was not hurt) and something happened that was exactly like something I had endured as a girl.....and since there were other friends involved, how do you build bridges, love on the friends not involved and then not put them in the middle while still building relationships with them.....and on top of that, gracefully not go into pure fighting survival mode with the issue that put your world into a tailspin....and on top of that, keep up with your bills, training your dogs, taking exams, and dealing with work intelligently and with grace.
Yeah.

There are time you really just need a beer, a hug, and then you get in the tub, relax....and then safely say Fuck This Shit.

Then you get up and face another day.

And you end up feeling like James Bond in a way.

Well, that's all for my ramblings.

Night all and love and hugs for all.......

Marie

"and on top of that, gracefully not go into pure fighting survival mode with the issue that put your world into a tailspin....and on top of that, keep up with your bills, training your dogs, taking exams, and dealing with work intelligently and with grace".

I think you need to try to find more in your life to keep you busy !

Only joking, I feel exhausted just reading about it.

I have been guilty of running when reminders hit home to me & I'm sure many others have the same flee reaction & it can be something as simple as a touch when not expected, BANDIT & I have a friend who I touched unexpectedly & she jumped, she later told me she was sorry as she knows I wouldn't hurt her in any way.
The choice to love is one of the hardest hurdles to jump, I rejected the firsr lady I had a relationship as soon as she mentioned about wanting a commitment, I ran! lucky for me she remains a friend.
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Life smiles on you when
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Life salutes you when you make others happy.


BANDIT & I had our wedding 9 Dec 06 .

To The World You Might Be One Person,
But To One Person You Might Be the World....& my lady is to me.

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

Enjoy pain while living, for death will not provide such pleasure



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Old 09-18-2007, 03:32 AM   #2631
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BUMP, BUMP,BUMP, BUMP

Just incase there is someone looking for this thread.
__________________
Dyslexic satanists worship Santa.

Wtf is with this mad cow disease... my leather pants shrunk.

Kink Test score - 876 Purity Test score - 24% pure

Life smiles on you when
you are happy,
Life salutes you when you make others happy.


BANDIT & I had our wedding 9 Dec 06 .

To The World You Might Be One Person,
But To One Person You Might Be the World....& my lady is to me.

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

Enjoy pain while living, for death will not provide such pleasure



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Old 09-19-2007, 03:40 AM   #2632
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gil_T2
BUMP, BUMP,BUMP, BUMP

Just incase there is someone looking for this thread.

bumpity. bumpity, bump

Hi Gil!!!
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Byron's Wake and Super Cool Threads.

I did feel like Icarus-Byron in Exile

"You gave him a gift that so many people can only dream of experiencing, and he gave you one, too. You invigorated and soothed him; you helped him find his music again. You deserved more time, but I am so happy that the time you spent together was so joyful and special and full of laughter. You gave him bwankets and I could see his tail wag. He felt you, and he took you with him everywhere. I think he took part of you with him to wherever he is now. That's part of why it hurts so much." Phelia on Byron to me.
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Old 09-21-2007, 02:47 PM   #2633
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love'm give'm the space that they need/want. but ultimately you cannot help the abused until they get into the mind frame of wanting to be helped. Speaking from experience
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Old 09-21-2007, 09:57 PM   #2634
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ms.read
love'm give'm the space that they need/want. but ultimately you cannot help the abused until they get into the mind frame of wanting to be helped. Speaking from experience
Thanks for posting ms.read & like you almost all on here have been in some sort of abusive situations & that is why it seems to work well we are here for anyone looking for understanding.
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Dyslexic satanists worship Santa.

Wtf is with this mad cow disease... my leather pants shrunk.

Kink Test score - 876 Purity Test score - 24% pure

Life smiles on you when
you are happy,
Life salutes you when you make others happy.


BANDIT & I had our wedding 9 Dec 06 .

To The World You Might Be One Person,
But To One Person You Might Be the World....& my lady is to me.

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

Enjoy pain while living, for death will not provide such pleasure



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Last edited by Gil_T2 : 09-21-2007 at 10:00 PM.
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Old 09-21-2007, 10:36 PM   #2635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gil_T2
Plus each person is different too.

All this thread was started for was for one person who was at a very low point in their life & I was desperate to find ways to help & the thread has grown from there.

Some have vanished from Lit, some are doing very well & even some have met & fallen in love *Me & BANDIT * but all still have issues with trust issues, self doubts, self esteem, confidence, communication & a host of other things that rattle around from time to time often surfacing when least expected.
Yes that happened a few days ago....I thought I was past the flashbacks, haven't had one for many months but something (not going to go into details) set one off and I was a bit of a wreck. All is sorted now happily but I've learned that it's probably always going to affect me in some way.....
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I'm still hot...it just comes in flashes now!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!

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Old 10-01-2007, 01:04 AM   #2636
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bandit58


Yes that happened a few days ago....I thought I was past the flashbacks, haven't had one for many months but something (not going to go into details) set one off and I was a bit of a wreck. All is sorted now happily but I've learned that it's probably always going to affect me in some way.....
I'm sorry that you had that...it sucks. I just had one the other day, at a pt's house none the less..Blech. {{hugs}}
Wish I could give the whole business a sound spanking and send it limping away, but then if I could, well....I could also find ocean front property in the desert too.

I think that we will always have some kind of darn thing affecting us at some point. My mission: to honor it just the same way we honor our bodies by taking care of them (or at least the attempt thereof). I have no idea how.
I do know that I tend to resemble Shrek when I'm in a survival/flashback mood though. Have no idea what to do about that yet either....
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Blonds are noticed. Redheads are remembered!

You donít remember me, but I remember you.
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you.
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do.....Evanescence


"Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

Last edited by sweet_marie : 10-01-2007 at 01:16 AM.
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Old 10-01-2007, 01:09 AM   #2637
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gil_T2
"and on top of that, gracefully not go into pure fighting survival mode with the issue that put your world into a tailspin....and on top of that, keep up with your bills, training your dogs, taking exams, and dealing with work intelligently and with grace".

I think you need to try to find more in your life to keep you busy !

Only joking, I feel exhausted just reading about it.

I have been guilty of running when reminders hit home to me & I'm sure many others have the same flee reaction & it can be something as simple as a touch when not expected, BANDIT & I have a friend who I touched unexpectedly & she jumped, she later told me she was sorry as she knows I wouldn't hurt her in any way.
The choice to love is one of the hardest hurdles to jump, I rejected the firsr lady I had a relationship as soon as she mentioned about wanting a commitment, I ran! lucky for me she remains a friend.

I took up scuba diving too...... Just to keep busy.....
Its done wonders with my panic response. You cannot panic under water, and I am really getting that under "control" or at least recognizing it. My breathing patterns too.....its been helpful.

My current project of the week: Forgiveness. Yikes!

My current book of the week: Deadly Emotions. Very interesting, would recommend.

Love and hugs to all. Off to take more exams. Currently have all A's and B's ( )
__________________
Blonds are noticed. Redheads are remembered!

You donít remember me, but I remember you.
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you.
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do.....Evanescence


"Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

Last edited by sweet_marie : 10-01-2007 at 01:11 AM.
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Old 10-01-2007, 03:20 PM   #2638
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Anyone interested can call the local rape hotline and they will send you out some excellent books on dealing with rape and helping someone deal with being a victim.
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Old 10-02-2007, 12:14 AM   #2639
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweet_marie
I took up scuba diving too...... Just to keep busy.....
Its done wonders with my panic response. You cannot panic under water, and I am really getting that under "control" or at least recognizing it. My breathing patterns too.....its been helpful.

My current project of the week: Forgiveness. Yikes!

My current book of the week: Deadly Emotions. Very interesting, would recommend.

Love and hugs to all. Off to take more exams. Currently have all A's and B's ( )
Scuba diving will open up a whole new world of discovery for you.

It also looks like life is full of As & Bs too.

Forgiveness is a difficult thing, I thought I had this covered but at times things happen that bring it all back & it all starts again.
__________________
Dyslexic satanists worship Santa.

Wtf is with this mad cow disease... my leather pants shrunk.

Kink Test score - 876 Purity Test score - 24% pure

Life smiles on you when
you are happy,
Life salutes you when you make others happy.


BANDIT & I had our wedding 9 Dec 06 .

To The World You Might Be One Person,
But To One Person You Might Be the World....& my lady is to me.

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

Enjoy pain while living, for death will not provide such pleasure



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Old 10-02-2007, 12:22 AM   #2640
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pleasantville
Anyone interested can call the local rape hotline and they will send you out some excellent books on dealing with rape and helping someone deal with being a victim.

Pleasantville, thanks for posting but rape isn't the only part of abuse that many suffer as there is a whole range of mental & physical abuse that dosen't involve rape, saying that it is a good idea that any victim call one of the hotlines in the phone books that exist in almost everywhere in the world these days. Making that first call is difficult for many who are being or have been abused as well.
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Dyslexic satanists worship Santa.

Wtf is with this mad cow disease... my leather pants shrunk.

Kink Test score - 876 Purity Test score - 24% pure

Life smiles on you when
you are happy,
Life salutes you when you make others happy.


BANDIT & I had our wedding 9 Dec 06 .

To The World You Might Be One Person,
But To One Person You Might Be the World....& my lady is to me.

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

Enjoy pain while living, for death will not provide such pleasure



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Old 10-02-2007, 01:42 AM   #2641
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Question...

My question is : to tell or not to tell?

From about the age of 8 until I was about 15 my brother abused me. I've never told my parents or any family members - and I NEVER intend to. For a start, I don't think my mother would beleive me (and as our relationship is already strained I think it could destroy it completely!). I don't want any family dramas and I'm happier to keep it that way.

It's something I have learned to be okay with, but I do like to talk about it sometimes because it helps to explain the love-hate relationship I have with my brother. Yes, I love him becasue he's my brother and we grew up together. But I hate him for what he's done - and does - because I see him constantly taking advantage of people and situations.

I've told 2 girlfriends, 1 ex-boyfriend and my psychologist. A few other friends know I was abused, but I'd not ever tell them it was my brother.

I guess what I'd like other people's opinions on what might happen the future if I told my boyfriend. My last boyfriend who I told got VERY angry and too over protective of me. We used to fight about it even! His behaviour made me feel like I couldn't look after myself - which shits me because I'm a very stong, independent woman. I'm scared that most guys will react this way...I'd dump them if they did. I'm strong enough (now) to look after myself - I just want to talk.

Thanks
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Old 10-02-2007, 05:27 AM   #2642
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To me it sounds like you need to find a group of ppl who have been through abuse as they would be more understanding to what has happened, peer groupes can do wonders with understanding.

As for the B/F getting over protective I think it was his way of offering you a strong shoulder to rely on but more likely this over protection does feel like being caught in his control too, a hard one.

The fact your seeing a psychologist is also a good move to help you deal with it if the psychologist has a knowledge of abuse & those who have suffered from it, there are many who have had more trouble trying to cope because of the unknowledgeable ones.
__________________
Dyslexic satanists worship Santa.

Wtf is with this mad cow disease... my leather pants shrunk.

Kink Test score - 876 Purity Test score - 24% pure

Life smiles on you when
you are happy,
Life salutes you when you make others happy.


BANDIT & I had our wedding 9 Dec 06 .

To The World You Might Be One Person,
But To One Person You Might Be the World....& my lady is to me.

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

Enjoy pain while living, for death will not provide such pleasure



Dyslexics Have More nuF

Last edited by Gil_T2 : 10-07-2007 at 03:50 AM.
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Old 10-05-2007, 10:59 PM   #2643
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PertPerth
My question is : to tell or not to tell?

From about the age of 8 until I was about 15 my brother abused me. I've never told my parents or any family members - and I NEVER intend to. For a start, I don't think my mother would beleive me (and as our relationship is already strained I think it could destroy it completely!). I don't want any family dramas and I'm happier to keep it that way.

It's something I have learned to be okay with, but I do like to talk about it sometimes because it helps to explain the love-hate relationship I have with my brother. Yes, I love him becasue he's my brother and we grew up together. But I hate him for what he's done - and does - because I see him constantly taking advantage of people and situations.

I've told 2 girlfriends, 1 ex-boyfriend and my psychologist. A few other friends know I was abused, but I'd not ever tell them it was my brother.

I guess what I'd like other people's opinions on what might happen the future if I told my boyfriend. My last boyfriend who I told got VERY angry and too over protective of me. We used to fight about it even! His behaviour made me feel like I couldn't look after myself - which shits me because I'm a very stong, independent woman. I'm scared that most guys will react this way...I'd dump them if they did. I'm strong enough (now) to look after myself - I just want to talk.

Thanks
The boyfriend should know. He may inadvertantly do something to remind you of what happened. Better to be told then to find out and be hurt that you didn't trust him enough to tell him. Sit him down and start by telling him that you enjoy your life like it is and that you've had some problems in the past but that you got through them and are stronger for having survived them. then tell him what happened with the other b\f, let him know that you want to stand on your own two feet but that you would like him to stand beside you, as a friend, not a controller or a protecter. That these things are in the past and your not living in the past anymore.
This said, I do know how hard it is to tell. I still haven't told most of my family of my past problems. Only my brother has any idea and even he doesn't know how bad it was. But I am going to tell him. I don't think I would tell my father. His health is not that good right now and I'm afraid it would hurt him a lot. Maybe one day, and maybe not. I doubt if I ever tell my sisters, they wouldn't really care that much and I don't have a lot to do with them anyway. But I have told some of my good friends and that includes the people here.
I read something in a book once that I've come to realize is very true: "Shared pain is lessened by many shoulders carrying the burden. Shared joys are greatly multiplied by many hearts reflecting it back to you." Iv'e shared my pain here many times and with my friends around me and found the burden much lighter, the pain lesser. I've also shared my joys and found the glow of the joy reflected back to brighten my day. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and share. He may take it well and he may not but you will never know if you don't try.
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Old 10-06-2007, 07:51 PM   #2644
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PertPerth
My question is : to tell or not to tell?

From about the age of 8 until I was about 15 my brother abused me. I've never told my parents or any family members - and I NEVER intend to. For a start, I don't think my mother would beleive me (and as our relationship is already strained I think it could destroy it completely!). I don't want any family dramas and I'm happier to keep it that way.

It's something I have learned to be okay with, but I do like to talk about it sometimes because it helps to explain the love-hate relationship I have with my brother. Yes, I love him becasue he's my brother and we grew up together. But I hate him for what he's done - and does - because I see him constantly taking advantage of people and situations.

I've told 2 girlfriends, 1 ex-boyfriend and my psychologist. A few other friends know I was abused, but I'd not ever tell them it was my brother.

I guess what I'd like other people's opinions on what might happen the future if I told my boyfriend. My last boyfriend who I told got VERY angry and too over protective of me. We used to fight about it even! His behaviour made me feel like I couldn't look after myself - which shits me because I'm a very stong, independent woman. I'm scared that most guys will react this way...I'd dump them if they did. I'm strong enough (now) to look after myself - I just want to talk.

Thanks
Hello, thank you so much for being so brave and sharing with us. First, here, we don't judge. Ever. We just are there as we can be, and that's it. Please find comfort in that.

Second, I have had many of the same fears as you, how other guys will react to it.....the only thing that I can tell you (because I still work on this) is to put yourself in situations that will increase your self confidence (for me that is sucba diving and getting my degree and keeping my financial life afloat) and then enjoy a measure of comfort as you being to live a new life, one without abuse. One where you learn to call the shots, where you learn how to make your environment acceptable to you. This is huge...and by no means easy!

The third thing I would highly encourage is to surround yourself with things that make you feel beautiful. That way (and this is experience!) when/if you tell anyone, your mother or boyfriend or Joe Blow down the street...you have a soft place to land after the crisis is over. You have a place that is truly yours, that you feel comfortable in. Beauty is not something you have to be afraid of, or hide from. Surround yourself with it and someday, you will begin to find your heart. It took me 6 years after my experience....finally I could feel the sun on my face and dirt between my fingers. But it happened.

{{{{{big hugs}}}}}
Marie
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Old 10-06-2007, 07:54 PM   #2645
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gil_T2
Scuba diving will open up a whole new world of discovery for you.

It also looks like life is full of As & Bs too.

Forgiveness is a difficult thing, I thought I had this covered but at times things happen that bring it all back & it all starts again.
Honestly I don't think it ever ends....{{hugs}}
and a nice stiff drink...over the internet lines
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Old 10-07-2007, 04:02 AM   #2646
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kikmosa
The boyfriend should know. He may inadvertantly do something to remind you of what happened. Better to be told then to find out and be hurt that you didn't trust him enough to tell him. Sit him down and start by telling him that you enjoy your life like it is and that you've had some problems in the past but that you got through them and are stronger for having survived them. then tell him what happened with the other b\f, let him know that you want to stand on your own two feet but that you would like him to stand beside you, as a friend, not a controller or a protecter. That these things are in the past and your not living in the past anymore.
This said, I do know how hard it is to tell. I still haven't told most of my family of my past problems. Only my brother has any idea and even he doesn't know how bad it was. But I am going to tell him. I don't think I would tell my father. His health is not that good right now and I'm afraid it would hurt him a lot. Maybe one day, and maybe not. I doubt if I ever tell my sisters, they wouldn't really care that much and I don't have a lot to do with them anyway. But I have told some of my good friends and that includes the people here.
I read something in a book once that I've come to realize is very true: "Shared pain is lessened by many shoulders carrying the burden. Shared joys are greatly multiplied by many hearts reflecting it back to you." Iv'e shared my pain here many times and with my friends around me and found the burden much lighter, the pain lesser. I've also shared my joys and found the glow of the joy reflected back to brighten my day. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and share. He may take it well and he may not but you will never know if you don't try.
A loverly post KIKI, full of diamonds.

"Shared pain is lessened by many shoulders carrying the burden. Shared joys are greatly multiplied by many hearts reflecting it back to you."
I think I'll edit that into the first post on this thread.
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Old 10-07-2007, 04:08 AM   #2647
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweet_marie
Hello, thank you so much for being so brave and sharing with us. First, here, we don't judge. Ever. We just are there as we can be, and that's it. Please find comfort in that.

Second, I have had many of the same fears as you, how other guys will react to it.....the only thing that I can tell you (because I still work on this) is to put yourself in situations that will increase your self confidence (for me that is sucba diving and getting my degree and keeping my financial life afloat) and then enjoy a measure of comfort as you being to live a new life, one without abuse. One where you learn to call the shots, where you learn how to make your environment acceptable to you. This is huge...and by no means easy!

The third thing I would highly encourage is to surround yourself with things that make you feel beautiful. That way (and this is experience!) when/if you tell anyone, your mother or boyfriend or Joe Blow down the street...you have a soft place to land after the crisis is over. You have a place that is truly yours, that you feel comfortable in. Beauty is not something you have to be afraid of, or hide from. Surround yourself with it and someday, you will begin to find your heart. It took me 6 years after my experience....finally I could feel the sun on my face and dirt between my fingers. But it happened.

{{{{{big hugs}}}}}
Marie
Marie as with KIKI's post your words bring more insight to how ppl lift their lives to deal with the abuse each has suffered.
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Kink Test score - 876 Purity Test score - 24% pure

Life smiles on you when
you are happy,
Life salutes you when you make others happy.


BANDIT & I had our wedding 9 Dec 06 .

To The World You Might Be One Person,
But To One Person You Might Be the World....& my lady is to me.

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

Enjoy pain while living, for death will not provide such pleasure



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Old 10-07-2007, 06:05 AM   #2648
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kikmosa
"Shared pain is lessened by many shoulders carrying the burden. Shared joys are greatly multiplied by many hearts reflecting it back to you."
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweet_marie
have a place that is truly yours, that you feel comfortable in. Beauty is not something you have to be afraid of, or hide from. Surround yourself with it and someday, you will begin to find your heart.
Such beautiful words. Thank you.

I definitely think that the reason I strive to achieve is because what I have been through. I am grateful for that. I got first class honours at university - which lead into a career which I love and it has given me the chance to live in other cities and own my own home.

Hobbies are so important. Scuba diving is such fun! I've started a few things - I'm keeping at them all too. My latest one is that I'm going to classes at my local gym. Not the gym itself - but the group classes. It seems much friendlier - though usually I'm much more of a solo-gym person. It is all an an attempt to build my confidence. I've started challenging myself to things I'm afraid of...tring to become a better, happier me. My next challenge is taking singing lessons. I can't sing, but really enjoy it! So I hope to join a choir or group soon too. I'll be phoning around music schools and teachers this week.

Thank you, everyone. It's so good to hear positive words.
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Old 10-08-2007, 08:21 AM   #2649
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PertPerth
Such beautiful words. Thank you.

I definitely think that the reason I strive to achieve is because what I have been through. I am grateful for that. I got first class honours at university - which lead into a career which I love and it has given me the chance to live in other cities and own my own home.

Hobbies are so important. Scuba diving is such fun! I've started a few things - I'm keeping at them all too. My latest one is that I'm going to classes at my local gym. Not the gym itself - but the group classes. It seems much friendlier - though usually I'm much more of a solo-gym person. It is all an an attempt to build my confidence. I've started challenging myself to things I'm afraid of...tring to become a better, happier me. My next challenge is taking singing lessons. I can't sing, but really enjoy it! So I hope to join a choir or group soon too. I'll be phoning around music schools and teachers this week.

Thank you, everyone. It's so good to hear positive words.
That is the beauty of this thread right from the beginning as it has attracted ppl who know from their own experiences.

We look forward to hearing how things go with the singing, I can't carry a tune on a CD let alone sing.
__________________
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Wtf is with this mad cow disease... my leather pants shrunk.

Kink Test score - 876 Purity Test score - 24% pure

Life smiles on you when
you are happy,
Life salutes you when you make others happy.


BANDIT & I had our wedding 9 Dec 06 .

To The World You Might Be One Person,
But To One Person You Might Be the World....& my lady is to me.

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

OUR BOND WILL REMAIN UNBROKEN.... for KIKI

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door.

Enjoy pain while living, for death will not provide such pleasure



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Old 10-11-2007, 04:46 AM   #2650
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This story was posted on one of the New Zealand news websites. I thought it might help someone perhaps in a similar situation recognise that abuse escalates and they could get out before the same thing happens to them.

Naenae is a suburb in Wellington


Stabbed children's mother wants ex 'put away forever'
The Dominion Post | Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Every day, a small four-year-old girl needs to be told the same tale: That her father is chained spreadeagled to a wall in a dungeon overseas with guards outside.

Every day she asks the same questions. How many guards? How big are the cuffs? How big are the locks? And what will we do when he comes back?

The man, who has name suppression, had seemed a doting father, but one Sunday in February he took a big carving knife and stabbed his three children, aged three years, 18 months, and seven weeks, slashing at them several times each.

When police broke down the door to their Naenae home, they found all three bleeding and wailing, near death. A single stab to the baby's stomach left his entrails hanging out.

There had been no drink, no "P". It appears the man was simply fuelled by the noxious mix of rage, impotence and failure boiling in the blood of so many domestic violence offenders.

The 30-year-old has admitted charges of grievous bodily harm and will be sentenced tomorrow. His former partner is preparing to face him in court, to show that she is not broken.

The defendant was smaller than her, quick of temper, and even faster with his fists. He would floor a man twice his size, if he paid her too much attention. A pretty woman with big calm eyes, she was larger, more intelligent, stronger of spirit. He got at her the only way he knew how.

They met in 2002. He was very serious, very quickly. It was intoxicating. Even before their first child was born, he had pushed her around. She called police. "I wasn't prepared to have that situation."

He pleaded guilty to male assaults female, attended anger management courses, cried and promised never again. It happened several times in the next five years Ė pushing, sometimes threatening, but never what she considered high-level violence. Sometimes she left him, sought solace at Women's Refuge. "But it's one thing to get the strength up to leave, but a couple of weeks later, when the fear has settled and you're facing now, there's no one there. That's the weakest point."

She had an "abused person's mentality", making excuses for him, frantic to forgive. "I wanted desperately for our relationship to work. I wanted for him to create the man I thought he could be."

The man was unemployed, she worked in a good job and supported the family. Though this suited him, he was controlling and jealous, accusing her of sleeping with men at her work. At times he raged and she feared for herself but never imagined the children were at risk. "I was prepared to take that risk to not put my children in a solo mother situation."

Within the past year, his moods began to fluctuate more. She became increasingly scared and took him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with depression.

The Friday before the attack, his jealousy became uncontrollable. He demanded she quit her job, then let her ask for it back. During the weekend his agitation grew and he accused her of having an affair. Sunday morning, as she dodged his demands and anger, she told him she was leaving. He dozed on the couch, and when he woke to the sound of her zipping a suitcase, all hell broke loose.

For the next 5 1/2 hours, the man locked her in the house, threatened to kill her, holding a machete to her throat and throttling and punching her. "He told me 'I'm not scared of jail. I'm going to kill you'."

Several times she tried to get out the windows with the children. He dragged them back in. Her hopelessness grew by the minute. He had hocked her phone the week before and she, unable to dial 111, was screaming for help. "I was screaming my lungs out, absolutely screaming 'please, somebody call the police'."

"One thing that really upset me is the amount of people that said they heard me. And no one did anything."

During the day, the man's moods fluctuated. He would calm down, agree to let her take the children outside till he calmed down, then get agitated again. "His eyes totally changed that day. They were quite animal," she says.

Eventually, he agreed to let her leave. He lined his bewildered children up in the lounge and said "look at them".

"I looked at them. I didn't know what to do. I did the only thing I could and I left." She fled to the nearest fish and chip shop and begged to use the phone.

She was not at home for what happened next.

Her daughter says her father told her to wait in front of the bed while he discarded his machete and went to get a large kitchen knife. This cold-blooded act and her little girl's dutiful obedience, breaks her heart.

As the man went for the girl's siblings, she tried to protect them, throwing her small self between her father and their smaller bodies.

The aftermath of whatever happened was witnessed by police. When they arrived, they heard children screaming. They beat the door in and confronted the man in the small bedroom, standing over his eldest daughter with the knife in his hand. His second daughter was sitting on the floor covered in blood.

The man began to turn the knife on himself, and he was Tasered and arrested.

Police found the baby screaming in another room with a single stab wound to his belly, another to his back.

The man's work was haphazard and messy, but she has no doubt he intended to kill his children.

His eldest daughter was stabbed at least seven times, in her lower abdomen, face, under both arms and in the mouth. His second daughter was stabbed multiple times including in the lung, through her neck from front to back, and in her left arm.

The three children spent days in induced comas in intensive care, touching on death many times. "Not one doctor would say, 'I promise any one of them is going to live'," the mother says.

They have made a remarkable recovery but both girls require continuing medical help. There is no road map to predict the emotional scars.

Their mother relives the moment when she was forced to decide whether to stay with the children or flee and call police. She believes if she stayed, they all would have died.

She has left town. She has got rid of everything they owned Ė furniture, toys, clothes. Any small item her children link to their father can trigger a flashback for them.

She has given up trying to understand why he did it. "Now I just want him put away forever."

Every day is a struggle, but she is holding it together for the children. "I have been through hell and so have they, and it's not fair for one parent to have done something as despicable as he did and have another parent not being 100 per cent as well," she said.

"The children are inspiring. They just deal with it. I want to be coping the way they are."

She also asks herself why she did not leave sooner. "My hands, I feel, are stained by the blood of my children because if I had left him sooner, this may have been averted."

Though she says she knew the situation was wrong, she clung to romantic hope. She measured her situation against that of others and calculated the low-level abuse was "not that bad".

She now realises abuse escalates. She urges other women to get out.

Tomorrow, she will face him in court, to show him she is not broken, and to ask the judge to keep her children safe.

"I need to do this for closure. Regardless of what it means to the judge, I need to say to my children I did everything I did to keep him away for as long as possible."


NEED HELP?

What to do if you or someone you know is suffering domestic violence:



Call your local emergency number for police or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.

Run outside and find other people.

Scream for help.

Take children with you.

Contact Women's Refuge which offers 24-hour emergency shelter and support services.
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Last edited by Bandit58 : 10-11-2007 at 04:51 AM.
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