Not Dom but in a relationship

OK so long story short. I have been a relationship for about two year and recently found out my partner was interested in S&M. I guess interested isn't correct. She had been in relationships with dominates before. I am not dominate... at all. This difference had become a strain on our relationship, both sexually and otherwise. After some reading and talking I understood that this is an important part of who she is and we came to an understanding. She participates in some S&M play with a dominate she knows and trusts. Being OK with this was probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do because the entire idea of plural relationships and S&M is completely foreign to me. She knows the limits of what I am comfortable with. Everything she wants to do is within those limits and I trust that she stays there.

Many aspects of our relationship have improved but one very important one has not. Because of my inexperience and previous lack of interest I have no knowledge of having sex with a submissive or acting like a dominate.

I am looking for guidance. Any resources would be great. I know there is lots of porn but I am not trusting that it is all a reliable source for good information. I am very studious and meticulous so a how to guide or textbook would be great but anything reliable to get me started would be helpful.

And not just about sex. If you have any info or experience for a relationship like mine it would be great

Have you considered coming along as an apprentice/observer?

I don't know that I would be comfortable with going along. One of the issues I have is with jealousy. Setting boundaries and being aware of when she is going helps a lot with that but seeing somebody else interact with her in an intimate way may be too much.

It has crossed my mind but I was hoping to keep that separate and to learn on my own. But if that's the only way I may have to try.

I'm not sure working hard at becoming something you are not is going to reap the 'we are everything to each other' rewards you may be hoping for.

I'm a big believer in beginning as you mean to continue. I think it is important to honor a healthy dose of selfishness and honesty when committing to a significant mate relationship. If you can sustain and find acceptance in a realtionship where this kink need is met external to your relationship with her, then great. If you are saying having her have this need met external to her relationship with you is straining, then you need to honor that too. You are focused on her needs being met, but it seems less so when it comes to having your comfort need for monogomy. Not that it's guaranteed, but odds suggest that eventually this strain, (yes, even if it is an act of love) will grow resentment weeds in the realtionship garden. Maybe, it already has.

Sometimes the truth is that incredibly chemistry wow people can connect in many but not all ways, and maybe not in many, or eventually any of the sustaining important ways. Actually, most healthy long term ealtionships I know of define and honor the limitations as well as they honor the good meshings. It seems to make sense to celebrate and enjoy what is, and find acceptance with what isn't. Instead of working to make her fit into what you want, take the time to really look at your needs lists and work to have them met. Regardless of how 'awesome-beautiful-I love her' she is, she may or may not help to tick your true and honest needs and want lists. Honor that, and you first and the rest will be easier to sort out.

I don't know if it really applies here, but once I had a counselor ask me, "You can keep a challenging relationship alive, but how much of your life energy do you want to spend on this one relationship in your life? Because ultimately, it's just a choice for each of you about how hard you want to work." Compromise is important, but knowing what is truly sustainable seems to really decide the shelf life more than anything else. There is a big difference between 'I want you in my life' and 'I want you to be my life'.

My best wishes to you both.

From what I have learned so far I know that it is very difficult, if not impossible, to change my naturally submissive personality into a dominant one. That is not my goal.

When the relationship started the S&M desire was in her but not expressed to me. She has told me she thought that part of her was gone. We were able to enjoy a healthy mental, emotional, and physical relationship. When her need for dominance resurfaced it put a stain on our relationship; I think partially because I couldn't give her what she needed and partially because I didn't know or understand what she needed. The fault was on both of us for not communicating wit each other.

We have put in work to repair the mental and emotional parts of our relationship. As selfish as it may seem, I am focused on the physical part of the relationship now. I understand that her needs have changed. I am wanting to learn techniques or skills so that she can be satisfied. She is not looking to be in a relationship with a dominant. It is a pleasurable activity that she participates in. I don't want her to stop seeing her current dominant if she doesn't want to. I simply want us both to be able to enjoy all the aspects of being in a relationship

If you see yourself as more naturally submissive, it may help to think in terms of "service topping" - meeting her physical need to submit, as an act of service. The New Topping Book can usually be found on Amazon for a decent price, and might be worth buying a copy. (Seriously, spend the $12-$15.) The same authors also wrote The New Bottoming Book, which I think is equally worth the read. I also firmly believe in reading/researching both perspectives, because sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in our own view that we forget the work, care and sacrifice the person opposite us is experiencing.

It's lovely that you're so willing to work at this, but please realize that you may never feel comfortable Topping, and she may feel a difference between Topping and dominance. A+ for effort, but I would recommend some honest conversations about what happens if the Top/bottom thing isn't working for either of you.

Personally, I would find this a turn-on but I am older and perhaps view relationships from a more secure place (this is not a criticism, just an observation). Actually I would try being there once. Might work; might not. Of course it would have to be with her permission. Life's an adventure

ginger4life said:

Many aspects of our relationship have improved but one very important one has not. Because of my inexperience and previous lack of interest I have no knowledge of having sex with a submissive or acting like a dominate.

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Sorry to be the party pooper, but she doesn't view you as dominant (dominate is a verb), not even as potential one. Even if you would do everything I do, it wouldn't work.

Two years is not too late to get out now.

Sorry for the Dominant/dominate mixup... simply not paying attention while I type. I understand that I will never be a dominant. That is not my goal. I am looking to gain knowledge to act like a dominant in a very specific situation. She does not to be in a relationship with a dominant but the physical aspect is important. It may not be possible, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. This isn't something I've been working at for two years. This is a recent development.

Some people are born with dominant personalities... some people aren't. But everyone, dominant or not, would have to learn the same skills for a safe and pleasurable experience. That's what I'm looking for.

I second Cutie Mouse's advice - you can top your girl, because that's what she wants you to do. You don't have to have a dominant personality to do it. It might feel unnatural and strange at first, but it will probably get easier. You're human, humans adapt well If it doesn't get easier, at least you gave it your best, good luck to you.

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

I second Cutie Mouse's advice - you can top your girl, because that's what she wants you to do. You don't have to have a dominant personality to do it. It might feel unnatural and strange at first, but it will probably get easier. You're human, humans adapt well If it doesn't get easier, at least you gave it your best, good luck to you.

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I will add my endorsement to this line of thinking as well. And who knows, you might get off so much on topping her that you start to take charge a little more than you think you can right now. It's really seductive to be the Cause of All Things Sensual.

There are some excellent suggestions given. I agree that topping mat be a good path to try, particularly if you think about it as an act of service. It seems like that would suit your personality. Kudos to you for your interest and willingness to try. I hope that you can find a solution that meets both of your needs.

I'll chime in as another person in a relationship with someone who doesn't naturally come to the dominance thing. I'm kind of accidentally in charge in our relationship. I have strong opinions of what I want, or how I want things to go, and he doesn't. He generally feels much more comfortable in a support role, rather than having the weight of responsibility on his shoulders.

However, he's become very good at being in charge in the bedroom. It has taken time and practice, and lots of positive reinforcement for him learning that I won't get upset if he goes against what seem to be my wishes at the time.

Maybe you can try a simple experiment that should be easy to succeed with. See if she will agree to one encounter where she does whatever you say. You agree to do nothing that you both haven't already done before. It could even be plain vanilla sex, but the difference is that you are the boss. If she doesn't want to do what you say, no punishment. You just end the encounter with a hug, go watch a movie, and talk it out later. You trust that she will end the encounter if the overall experience is no good for her, and she will trust that you don't end the encounter if you're afraid of her responding the wrong way or disliking things. Of course you CAN end the encounter if the experience is no good for you.

If she ever expresses doubt, you remind her that you are in charge. You can feel totally comfortable in sating your own desires without worrying that she's bored (at least pretend you're not worried). Do things you know will make her feel good because you want to do it, if you want to do it. Set your expectations low. Don't expect mind-blowing. She may not feel "it" yet, but the goal is to get you comfortable in that role and to see if there's any kind of spark of enjoyment in it for you.

And you don't have to be some dominant character. Be yourself. Just try to be as confident a you as possible.

SpunThings said:

And you don't have to be some dominant character. Be yourself.

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He is himself already. That is the problem.

Thank you all for your ideas and support. Even those of you who don't think I will be successful have given me things to think about. I can imagine this is somewhat common but I had no idea where to start. Ultimately if I am not successful, that is not a deal breaker for me. Physical intimacy is only one part of a relationship. It is an important part, but if everything else is clicking then I can work with that. I think the most important thing at this point is to talk this out and see where it goes. You all have given me great knowledge and ideas for further research. At the very least I can now have an intelligent and informed conversation about where I want things to go.

Please continue to post anymore ideas, suggestions, things to read, or comments you may have. I'm sure not matter where this goes I'll have more questions.

Sorry but I just can't wrap my head around this working out long term. I'm surprised you have made it as far as you have.

I don't see why this relationship can't work long term. Two people don't need to be exactly the same to have a healthy long term relationship. Like I said before, the physical part of a relationship is important but it's only one part. If it doesn't work but everything else does then I would still consider this a healthy relationship just lacking in one area. That's a lot more than most people can say about their relationships.

Pm

I wanted to send you a private message, but it seems your profile doesn't accept them.

ginger4life said:

I don't see why this relationship can't work long term. Two people don't need to be exactly the same to have a healthy long term relationship. Like I said before, the physical part of a relationship is important but it's only one part. If it doesn't work but everything else does then I would still consider this a healthy relationship just lacking in one area. That's a lot more than most people can say about their relationships.

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The thing is that the beginning of a relationship may have it's difficulties, with two people grating a bit at each other to smooth the edges a bit and fit together.

It's still supposed to be mostly fun and lighthearted though, because down the road any life brings difficulties like work stress, no work, kids or no kids, ageing parents or not, grown kids moving back in, illness and last but not least mismatched expectations and changed minds, like you already experienced.

Starting out with a serious difficulty like yours is rough to begin with.
While I do admire your dedication and I know that the dark horse wins now and again, I would think long and hard about how much time I'd bet on it.

ginger4life said:

I don't see why this relationship can't work long term. Two people don't need to be exactly the same to have a healthy long term relationship.

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The second part is totally true. They can be even completely different in all aspects.


I tell you why *I* think it's not going to work long term:

I have been a relationship for about two year
[...]
recently found out my partner was interested in S&M
[...]
She participates in some S&M play with a dominate she knows and trusts.

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What do you think the last two years happened in your relationship that she didn't tell you? You think when you found out that she is into S&M, a dominant ex appeared out of thin air? Dude, you are not important - sorry; you are comfortable.

Before we were in a relationship she was with a Dom and it didn't end well. It was so uncomfortable or awful that she was thought she would not be interested anymore in S&M. I don't know why she had a change of heart... maybe time does heal all wounds.

The Dom she sees is not an ex of hers. He is a Dom that she has seen before that she trusts to act safely and is experienced. I don't think he just appeared out of thin air, more two friends that stayed in touch. I am under no illusions that they don't both get pleasure from seeing each other. We had a serious conversation about what happens there and I choose to trust her. If I find out differently then we will have another very serious and short conversation.

ginger4life said:

The Dom she sees is not an ex of hers. He is a Dom that she has seen before that she trusts to act safely and is experienced. I don't think he just appeared out of thin air, more two friends that stayed in touch.

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You know, hitting someone with a cane is something that a lot of parents managed without special safety S&M training a few decades ago, yet you are deemed unworthy by the partner you hope to have a long healthy relationship with.

*shrugs*

Well, my opinion is stated and I don't think I can contribute more.

Thank you for sharing your opinion with me. As someone who is clearly still at a very early stage in the learning process I appreciate all opinions as they give me more to think about.

I do see a difference between hitting a child as punishment and having a one grown adult hit another in the act of giving pleasure through pain. Many people would see hitting a child as abuse. Many people would see hitting your partner when it is not wanted, asked for, and agreed upon in advance as abuse as well. The physical act may be the same but the intent and desired result are very different.

Abuse does not involve consent. We are talking about two consenting adults engaging in a pleasurable activity. It is entirely possible that she feels I won't enjoy S&M so to prevent me from feeling uncomfortable she does not ask me to participate. And that may ultimately be the case. But that doesn't mean I won't try.