Old 11-10-2014, 12:27 PM   #1
Tio_Narratore
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first poem

Just posted my first poem here at Lit, and would be pleased to hear what other poets thought...

http://www.literotica.com/p/betweens
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Old 11-10-2014, 01:27 PM   #2
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Are you like James Bond where you dive into the sea wearing a wetsuit and then you emerge and unzip it to reveal yourself wearing a tuxedo?

Beautifully written, but a bit discombobulating.
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Old 11-10-2014, 01:55 PM   #3
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Interesting idea, but not so literal in intent; a bit of the old metaphor was intended. A little hard to get from Scylla and Charybdis to Venice to Budapest that easily. I do see how it could discombobulate, though; I'll see about reining in the metaphor when its out of control in future verse. Thanks.
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Old 11-10-2014, 10:06 PM   #4
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A Travel brochure with perks?
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
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Old 11-11-2014, 03:27 AM   #5
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wow, loads going on in your write, tio - as soon as i've time i'll come back to it because there's so much to say. i can say right now that it's a strong, evocative, and very interesting write.
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Old 11-11-2014, 10:17 AM   #6
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A Travel brochure with perks?
Most likely those pesky metaphors again. Probably should have put a flock of wild ducks into it somewhere. Now don't you go fretting and worrying: I'll set the next one in a couples' resort in the Bahamas. An all-inclusive, of course, where everythink will be done for you.
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Old 11-11-2014, 10:20 AM   #7
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wow, loads going on in your write, tio - as soon as i've time i'll come back to it because there's so much to say. i can say right now that it's a strong, evocative, and very interesting write.
Thanks, butters, and don't forget to look for any weak spots as well. I always appreciate help in getting better at what I'm trying to do.
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Old 11-11-2014, 01:14 PM   #8
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Thanks, butters, and don't forget to look for any weak spots as well. I always appreciate help in getting better at what I'm trying to do.
Hi Tio.

I think your poem shows you are quite adept with language. There are many turns of phrase or images that I really like. I find the poem to be too prosey for my tastes though. Prose in poetry is not a bad thing, but there needs to be a balance between telling and showing for it to work really well.

The other thing is the length of your poem, which I think would scare a lot of people away. You can get around that by breaking the poem into sections.

Just my two cents worth, of course!

I love that you are exploring poetry cause I know you as a prose writer. All I can say is keep writing poems.


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Old 11-12-2014, 12:46 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Tio_Narratore View Post
Just posted my first poem here at Lit, and would be pleased to hear what other poets thought...

http://www.literotica.com/p/betweens
The participants of this thread have already given a good idea about the poem, it deserves its sympathetic welcome. One could be more precise about the global aspects of the poem as well as about its cogs, if it's still of interest to others. Otherwise UnderYourSpell's succinct description is perfect :-)
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Old 11-12-2014, 09:35 AM   #10
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Hi Tio.

I think your poem shows you are quite adept with language. There are many turns of phrase or images that I really like. I find the poem to be too prosey for my tastes though. Prose in poetry is not a bad thing, but there needs to be a balance between telling and showing for it to work really well.

The other thing is the length of your poem, which I think would scare a lot of people away. You can get around that by breaking the poem into sections.

Just my two cents worth, of course!

I love that you are exploring poetry cause I know you as a prose writer. All I can say is keep writing poems.


Ange
Thank you, Ange. I do lean a bit towards the prose-poem style now. Haven't written any poetry for many years and I'm trying to get back in the mode. We'll see what happens.
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Old 11-12-2014, 09:37 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
A Travel brochure with perks?
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Originally Posted by Senna Jawa View Post
The participants of this thread have already given a good idea about the poem, it deserves its sympathetic welcome. One could be more precise about the global aspects of the poem as well as about its cogs, if it's still of interest to others. Otherwise UnderYourSpell's succinct description is perfect :-)
Gee, I'm overwhelmed, Senna. I mean, really, both you and UYS put my little offering in the same category as Homer's Odyssey! Wow!
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Old 11-12-2014, 11:50 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Senna Jawa View Post
The participants of this thread have already given a good idea about the poem, it deserves its sympathetic welcome. One could be more precise about the global aspects of the poem as well as about its cogs, if it's still of interest to others. Otherwise UnderYourSpell's succinct description is perfect :-)

Which one? Me? Ok. note: it's pretty much bridges - bridges between things, in a progression of bringing two places/things/people together. A bit of symbolism, a bit of metaphor, most of it realized after the writing, not much of a conscious intent. Some people have seen it; others haven't; readers are different. What I was looking for mostly here was comments on how well it did what it was doing so I could improve it, and whatever may follow.

And, honestly, I found UYS comment, here and on the poem itself, to reflect a rather superficial reading,. Even if she didn't get the denotations of the references, it would be a rather specialized and kinky sort of travel brochure that offered nothing but bridges and an island or two as its destinations of choice. My reaction to that comment: too clever by one-half. But I am a post-modern sort of guy, and have no problems with readers reading what they want into anything.

Thankfully, though, I have received some constructive and productive comments on the poem from people who actually read it and thought about it.
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Old 11-12-2014, 07:02 PM   #13
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Thankfully, though, I have received some constructive and productive comments on the poem from people who actually read it and thought about it.
I actually read it and thought about it. And I am glad that you already got constructive and productive comments.
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Old 11-15-2014, 08:54 AM   #14
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I thought it was a good first attempt but agree with Angeline's comment, "too prosey."

Good poems (I think) require economy and precision and it might be a useful exercise to try a re-write, leaving nothing out, but using 25% less words.
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Old 11-16-2014, 01:29 PM   #15
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Thanks, butters, and don't forget to look for any weak spots as well. I always appreciate help in getting better at what I'm trying to do.
if you're still interested, tio, i've a week off after this week coming, so will have time then to do things justice.
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Old 11-17-2014, 02:33 PM   #16
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I thought it was a good first attempt but agree with Angeline's comment, "too prosey."

Good poems (I think) require economy and precision and it might be a useful exercise to try a re-write, leaving nothing out, but using 25% less words.
I can agree with precision, to an extent, and economy as well, but I'm not sure it can be quantified as a percentage ewer words. I do think this one could use a bit of improvement in that area, though.
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Old 11-17-2014, 02:35 PM   #17
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if you're still interested, tio, i've a week off after this week coming, so will have time then to do things justice.
I'd be very interested, if you are, butters; I do appreciate constructive (or even deconstructive) discourse.
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