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Old 06-22-2015, 06:06 PM   #1
daisycarly
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You Should Date an Illiterate Girl by Charles Warnke

A favorite I thought I'd share with you~

“Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.
Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice. Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick. Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.
Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.
Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really, really, really hate you.”
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Old 06-22-2015, 07:50 PM   #2
todski28
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I read this it was intriguing then I started to hate the narrator with a fierce passion, I was screaming all sorts of names at him in my mind, coward, and pathetic etc, etc, I'm torn on wether I like it or not, and whether it's a poem or not.....strange write.
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Old 06-22-2015, 08:00 PM   #3
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You and me both Tod and why anyone (especially a woman) would favour it, is beyond me.
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Old 06-22-2015, 08:24 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by todski28 View Post
I read this it was intriguing then I started to hate the narrator with a fierce passion, I was screaming all sorts of names at him in my mind, coward, and pathetic etc, etc, I'm torn on wether I like it or not, and whether it's a poem or not.....strange write.
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You and me both Tod and why anyone (especially a woman) would favour it, is beyond me.
I think it's a JAMESBJOHNSON alt.......
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Old 06-22-2015, 09:54 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by todski28 View Post
I read this it was intriguing then I started to hate the narrator with a fierce passion, I was screaming all sorts of names at him in my mind, coward, and pathetic etc, etc, I'm torn on wether I like it or not, and whether it's a poem or not.....strange write.
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Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
You and me both Tod and why anyone (especially a woman) would favour it, is beyond me.

I get it. It's not about hating women who read; it's mocking those who do. This is an homage to women who read. Not to be taken at face value. Look at it again.
"A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick. "
This is not written by someone who hates women who read. No, he hates how much he loves them, because life would be easier with one who didn't read. Easier, but unfulfilled. The third paragraph is glorious.
"Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. "
No, this is definitely not advice to date an illiterate girl; it's quite the opposite.
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Old 06-22-2015, 10:54 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Lyric_Calli View Post
I get it. It's not about hating women who read; it's mocking those who do. This is an homage to women who read. Not to be taken at face value. Look at it again.
"A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick. "
This is not written by someone who hates women who read. No, he hates how much he loves them, because life would be easier with one who didn't read. Easier, but unfulfilled. The third paragraph is glorious.
"Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. "
No, this is definitely not advice to date an illiterate girl; it's quite the opposite.
There are nicer ways of putting across the message.
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
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Old 06-22-2015, 11:40 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
There are nicer ways of putting across the message.

I read it from the point of view that the narrator desires a woman who reads, but the relationship was unsuccessful. It's written from a place of frustration, straddling that line between love and hate: I love you; I hate you; I hate that I love you.

No, it's not nice, but that's part of what I like about it.
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Old 06-23-2015, 02:49 AM   #8
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personally, i think it's a remarkable piece of writing - and the hate is directed inwards at his own shortcomings. the girl who reads shows him every thing he is not and would wish to be, and that self-knowledge is painful to the narrator. i think there are some wonderful things said about the g's.w.r
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Old 06-23-2015, 02:53 AM   #9
todski28
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personally, i think it's a remarkable piece of writing - and the hate is directed inwards at his own shortcomings. the girl who reads shows him every thing he is not and would wish to be, and that self-knowledge is painful to the narrator.
this is what pisses me off at the narator I want to slap him upside the goddamned head, it really eats at me that he isn't man enough to fucking grow the fuck up bah! I think it must be an amazing writ to get me this riled up!!
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Old 06-23-2015, 07:24 AM   #10
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Todski is hulking out again.

* hides behind garbage can lid painted into a Captain America shield *

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Old 06-23-2015, 10:46 AM   #11
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Can't help thinking of Girl Who Reads by Mark Grist
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Old 06-23-2015, 10:51 AM   #12
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Am I the only one who keeps reading Charles Warnke as Wanker ........?
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Old 06-23-2015, 02:01 PM   #13
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Can't help thinking of Girl Who Reads by Mark Grist
Thank you for sharing this. I love it!



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Am I the only one who keeps reading Charles Warnke as Wanker ........?
No.
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