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Old 12-07-2014, 04:06 PM   #1
CharleyH
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Remec vs. Butters: Gunfight 2014

Challengers:
The kyrielle is a poetic form that originated in troubadour poetry and Gregorian chants, written in rhyming couplets or quatrains. It uses a refrain on the second line of the couplet or last line of the quatrain. Each line within the poem consists of only eight syllables.

Today's challenge is to write a kyrielle sonnet comprising 3 quatrains and a closing couplet. The first line of the closing couplet must be the same as the first line of the first quatrain, while the second line of the couplet must be the same as the last line of every preceding quatrain, for a rhyme scheme of AabB ccbB ddbB AB or AbaB cdcB dbdB AB.

And, just to put a spin on it, because 'tis the season, your sonnet must be titled with the name of a Christmas carol. However, the theme of your sonnet should not have a seasonal flavour, so how you use the title in relation to your sonnet is up to you.

For this challenge, you have 1 hour and 30 minutes. Once your poems are completed, please submit them to me via PM and I will post them anonymously. If you need clarification, ask and I will deliver. Break a leg!

Example of a kyrielle sonnet:
How To Write A Kyrielle Sonnet by Discoveria

This sonnet is a 'Kyrielle';
please pay attention to the flow.
Each stanza has to rhyme as well.
It ends with a refrain like so.

Eight syllables are in each line
(and usually iambic) though
sometimes you'll get away with nine.
It ends with a refrain like so.

The rhymes may alternate this way,
or rhymes may follow row by row
in couplets. Now we're done, hooray!
It ends with a refrain like so.

This sonnet is a Kyrielle:
it ends with a refrain like so.

Judges:
Once the poems are posted you have 24 hours to assess which poem best adheres to the guidelines of the competition. Please submit your decisions to me via PM so that I can post them. Playcatch may not be familiar with the process, so basically it requires a small critique of both poems and your choice of which poem has best risen to the outlined challenge.
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:07 PM   #2
CharleyH
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Poem #1 by Remec

The Little Drummer Boy

My sense of rhythmís second to none,
I expect it helps me to get paid,
But after a gig, when allís said and done,
Iím just in the band to get laid.

Would be easy if I carried a tune,
Just not my calling, Iím afraid,
Drumming is simple. Iím over the moon,
Iím just in the band to get laid.

ďOh comeĒ they told me, and my sticks
Rapped on the skins to beat a parade,
Crashing cymbals among heavy licks,
Iím just in the band to get laid.

My sense of rhythmís second to none,
Iím just in the band to get laid.

Last edited by CharleyH : 12-08-2014 at 11:27 AM.
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:07 PM   #3
CharleyH
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Poem #2 by Butters

Silent night

They said it was a silent night
but traffic hummed and tv's droned
and all the clocks were chiming bright
as somewhere in the dark she phoned

He held his breath, then said 'hello'
held back the urge he had to groan
and smear himself in tart jello
as somewhere in the dark she phoned

Was ev'ry birthday come at once?
she spoke, and he was not alone
his sticky fetish to confront
as somewhere in the dark she phoned

They said it was a silent night
as somewhere in the dark she phoned

Last edited by CharleyH : 12-08-2014 at 11:28 AM.
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:07 PM   #4
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Judge #1: Lauren Hynde

Both poets definitely rose to the challenge and produced fine kyrielle sonnets with a hint of humour and light-heartedness that defused the form's natural stiffness. Poem #1 deviates from the standard syllable length a few times (the first quatrain has 8, 9 and 10-syllable lines, the second has 8 and 10-syllable lines and the third has 8 and 9-syllable lines), but both refrains are perfectly integrated at every step. Poem #2 maintains octametre length throughout, but some of the rhymes are weaker (hello/jello, droned/phoned/groan/alone) or non-existent (once/confront), and the refrain at the end of each quatrain often feels intrusive, not quite gelling with the previous lines in a natural way. The absence of punctuation may have worked to Poem #2's disadvantage in this regard.

Another aspect that caught my attention in the two poems, especially by contrast, relates to the closing couplet. Poem #1's couplet Ė "My sense of rhythm's second to none / I'm just in the band to get laid" Ė perfectly encapsulates the spirit of the poem as a whole as well as of each individual quatrain, in addition to retroactively adding a playful layer of meaning to the first line of the sonnet. Poem #2's couplet Ė "They said it was a silent night / as somewhere in the dark she phoned" Ė on the other hand, feels a little more pedestrian and a little less reflective of the sonnet as a whole. If I had started by reading only this closing couplet, I would have expected the poem to have a much darker overall tone.

For these reasons, my vote goes to Poem #1.

Last edited by CharleyH : 12-08-2014 at 11:40 AM.
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:08 PM   #5
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Judge #2: Tzara

I have read both of these poems several times and I have to say I am very impressed by what both poets were able to craft in such a difficult form in such a short time. They have both produced strong, interesting poems, with distinctive elements that take the form in interesting directions.

I'm also impressed that I can't tell who wrote which poem. I could guess, but it would be only a guess. I would have thought I'd know the poets' respective styles better, given my considerable experience reading them both, but I can't. Perhaps their style is somewhat masked by the form. Or I'm a dunce, which seems more likely.

OK. Assessment. I'm being asked to "assess which poem best adheres to the guidelines of the competition." Which means, as best I can tell, how well it satisfies the form requirements.

These are, as I gather from Charley's introduction, largely form requirements. I've broken these down as follows:
  • Title is a Christmas carol.
  • Poem itself is not seasonal.
  • Poem should be in the form of a kyrielle sonnet.
  • Closing couplet should be the first line of the first quatrain and the last line of all the quatrains (i.e. a refrain).
  • The rhyme scheme should be either AabB ccbB ddbB AB or AbaB cdcB dbdB AB.
  • Each line should be eight syllables.

I assume after assessing that, that I can maybe make some distinctions based on which poem I liked better. However personally biased that choice might be.

OK. Let's count it down, then, hey?

Title is a Christmas carol: Poem 1's title is "The Little Drummer Boy." Poem 2's title is "Silent Night." Result: Push.

Poem itself is not seasonal: Poem 1 is not seasonal unless one thinks easy sex is a Christmas present. Poem 2 would have to be Christmas phone sex to be seasonal. Result: Push.

Poem should be in the form of a kyrielle sonnet: Both satisfy the form, though with exception, which I will talk about below. Result: Push.

Closing couplet should be the first line of the first quatrain and the last line of all the quatrains: Check and check. Result: Push.

The rhyme scheme should be either AabB ccbB ddbB AB or AbaB cdcB dbdB AB: Actually neither poem satisfies this. Both are AbaB cbcB dbdB AB, I think. But the example poem Charley quotes follows this rhyme scheme as well, so not only are no points deducted, but they're a push anyway.

Each line should be eight syllables: "The Little Drummer Boy" varies from eight syllables to ten and not in a consistent pattern. "Silent Night" is, I think, purely octosyllabic. Advantage: "Silent Night"

But, you know, a poem is more than simply conformance to form, so I hope I get a little input as to content/meaning/style. Hey, I'm the judge and will simply take that authority. How's about that?

So. I really liked "The Little Drummer Boy" for its concept--the rock drummer simply wanting to get laid. I think that worked really well, and better than "Silent Night"s phone call in the middle of the night. Thematically, I have to give advantage: "The Little Drummer Boy."

But for sound and musicality, something that I might expect a poem like "The Little Drummer Boy" to focus on, I have to give the advantage to "Silent Night." The poem seems to just have a more coherent sound to it. Advantage: "Silent Night."

End result? A difficult decision, but I have to give my vote to "Silent Night" [Poem #2] in a very, very close decision.

Last edited by CharleyH : 12-08-2014 at 11:33 AM.
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:08 PM   #6
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Judge #3: playcatch

While both poems had about an equivalent scansion and about equivalently stuck to the task, I'd say the second poem was (in spite of the clumsy jello reference) more emotionally complex and therefore I'd vote for that one.

I like the idea of a silent night being blessed not for its silence, but for the longed-for call of one the poet longs for.

Do I need to say more? Can I just say thumbs up for poem 2?

Last edited by CharleyH : 12-08-2014 at 11:34 AM.
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:40 PM   #7
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Reserved for hecklers, tradesmen, and dance hall girls
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:50 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
Reserved for hecklers, tradesmen, and dance hall girls
Are you the dance hall girl, Harry?
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:56 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharleyH View Post
Are you the dance hall girl, Harry?
I'm the heckler, what a crazy challenge, butters was hoping it was not a form,
besides my frocks in the cleaners n I need to wash my hair, pop corn? 2 bits
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"You are not the whim of a careless creator, experimenting in the laboratory of life... you were made with a purpose"."-Og Mandino
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Old 12-07-2014, 04:58 PM   #10
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lols. dreamscapes and mathema-muticals. ugh.
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Old 12-07-2014, 05:02 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
I'm the heckler, what a crazy challenge, butters was hoping it was not a form,
besides my frocks in the cleaners n I need to wash my hair, pop corn? 2 bits
Haha, well, Annie got me thinking about form, and I thought this one would be easier than a Shakespearean sonnet.
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Old 12-07-2014, 05:46 PM   #12
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Congrats to both Remec and Butters for completing the challenge and thank you for participating. I think you both did beautifully.

Now to the judges: Have at it!
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Old 12-07-2014, 05:55 PM   #13
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It's over, hawt lead and smoke ya know I was looking at this thing and it's sorta like a stunted sonnet
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"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."- Pliny the Elder
"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."- The Budda
"I'll never be a poet" - The Harry
"You are not the whim of a careless creator, experimenting in the laboratory of life... you were made with a purpose"."-Og Mandino
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Old 12-07-2014, 06:03 PM   #14
CharleyH
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Well, the lines are shorter and, thankfully for the poets, there was no need for iambic pentameter.
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Old 12-07-2014, 06:03 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
It's over, hawt lead and smoke ya know I was looking at this thing and it's sorta like a stunted sonnet
lolol - that's a very polite way of putting things
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Old 12-07-2014, 06:11 PM   #16
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Quote:
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lolol - that's a very polite way of putting things
lol - you two!
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Old 12-07-2014, 07:23 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharleyH View Post
Haha, well, Annie got me thinking about form, and I thought this one would be easier than a Shakespearean sonnet.
>>>>>>>> Hides
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They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
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Old 12-07-2014, 07:27 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
>>>>>>>> Hides
*dons heat-seeking equipment*
you can run, girlie, but you cain't hide
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Old 12-07-2014, 11:29 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharleyH View Post
Congrats to both Remec and Butters for completing the challenge and thank you for participating. I think you both did beautifully.

Now to the judges: Have at it!
Sent you a statement. Too brief? Let me know.
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Old 12-08-2014, 11:38 AM   #20
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And there we have it. The verdicts are in and it looks like a split decision 2 to 1 with Butters ever so slightly taking the lead. Congratulations, Butters!

A thanks to all who participated and followed. I thought both poets did amazingly under the pressure!
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Old 12-08-2014, 02:00 PM   #21
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Let's try again help me out charly h, and judges Sniper
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"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."- Pliny the Elder
"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."- The Budda
"I'll never be a poet" - The Harry
"You are not the whim of a careless creator, experimenting in the laboratory of life... you were made with a purpose"."-Og Mandino
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Old 12-08-2014, 02:05 PM   #22
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A HUGE well done to both poets! At least when I did it I knew the form I was writing in! I actually did guess correctly who had written what and went for Poem 2 for it's better 'flow' without counting it's syllables (well I didn't have to!)
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
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Old 12-08-2014, 04:45 PM   #23
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cheers to charley, playcatch, tzara and lauren, but especially to remec whose piece i preferred for content even if i scratched my head at the syllable count
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Old 12-08-2014, 05:05 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
A HUGE well done to both poets! At least when I did it I knew the form I was writing in! I actually did guess correctly who had written what and went for Poem 2 for it's better 'flow' without counting it's syllables (well I didn't have to!)
thanks, annie
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Old 12-08-2014, 06:10 PM   #25
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Quote:
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cheers to charley, playcatch, tzara and lauren, but especially to remec whose piece i preferred for content even if i scratched my head at the syllable count
*cough*
*wheeze*
slowly limping into view
Thank you, ma'am...but I've been out gunned. 'Til next time, yes? Ah'll jes' be over in da saloon, time for my medicinal treatments, ya understand.


Thanks for over seeing everything, Charley....and thanks to all the judges, as well.


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