Fear of anal

I've anal sex a total of 2 times in my life. Both horrible experiences.

1) With my ex fiance. Manipulative dickweed. Said I didn't do anal he'd leave me. I thought I loved the Cro-magnon at the time, so I did it. Cried the whole time, not because of the pain but because I just felt like...I dunno...a receptacle. An object.

2) No lube. All the way in all at once. I bled for 2 days. He wasn't a jerk, he just didn't know what he was doing. At all. Obviously.

Now He has been asking me about it. We've done anal play, a finger or two, well lubed, and it's been somewhere between pain and pleasure, but not all that unpleasant. Good sensations mixed with a burning, of sorts. But I'm afraid to go the rest of the way.

Thing is, I trust him, and I really want to do it. I know he'll be gentle, use a TON of lube, and stop if I say stop. But I just can't do it. I have this gestalt fear of a penis near my ass, I guess. He says we don't have to do anything more than we've done...but I do want to. I want to experience it the right way because I hear if it's done properly, it's really enjoyable, and I want to do it for him for the same reason.

But how? How do I stop that unconscious tensing up? Should I just tell him to surprise me sometime and see how it goes? Any other way I can get past this?

I'm not an expert on this but here are my thoughts.

You have had a couple of bad experiences. It takes time to mentally get over that sort of thing. I think that continuing to play for now is the best thing. Perhaps you could buy a set of graduated sized dildos or butt plugs. Start out with something small and get used to it while you are playing; perhaps during oral sex. Allow yourself to begin to associate the anal penetration with pleasure. Over time, use gradually larger toys. At some point, I suspect the pain and fear will diminish. I really don't reccomend the surprise method, though.

Another thing, during penetration, bear down as if you are trying to have a bowel movement. That helps to relax your sphincter.

Have fun. That is the most important thing. If you try too hard, it will just make you more tense.

Anal play is one of my kinks and I have a bit of experience with it. Of course, it could be different for you but, I would not recommend having him sneak up on you. You have had bad experiences; therefore, you must be prepared for it in order to feel the pleasure that can come from that part of your body. If you are not in a space (mentally) where you are prepared to enjoy it, you won't.

My suggestion is that you do a lot of foreplay that includes the anal region along with what you usually enjoy (nipple stimulation, kissing, massage, whatever works for you). Then gradually work toward anal penetration with one, then more fingers, slowly (continue stim in other areas to associate the anal stim with sexual pleasure).

As he gets you near orgasm (with clitoral or vaginal digital, oral, or penile penetration) increase anal penetration (with fingers, dildo, or penis).

In my experience, it is important, in the beginning forays into anal sex, for him to be still as you orgasm. Some women like the thrust as they orgasm, but many find it painful or disruptive. I would recommend that the first time you get to this point with anal play that he hold still (with whatever he is penetrating you anally) while you orgasm, then slowly, gently stroke you anally as you come down from your orgasm.

I'm so sorry you had the introduction to anal you suffered

I have been extreemly lucky to have introduced several ladies to thejoys of anal sex and have had several go on to enjoy orgasms while having anal sex.Having the lady turned on is one way to have her butt relaxed enough to accept your cock inside her,lots of lube,butt plugs(vibrating ones seem to bepopular with mine).
But the main thing is to explore your own body to learn to relax and be confident in the trust you need to accept your lovers cock, he must be patient seeing you have had bad experiences, I have only had pleasent results from my experiences and from the first time I had anal sex with a very talented lady who taught me my methods almost 20 years ago.

I have to agree with the advice that's been given already. Given your history with anal sex, taking things very slowly would be the way to go. Also as you stated, Lots and lots of lube. For that matter, when you and he think there's enough add some more just to be sure.

Anal sex can be a pleasure, and at times can be very uncomfortable. In my experience, no two times are ever alike.

Good luck to you,

dixi

To get over any kind of fear, it is necessary to face the fear. While I do think taking it slow is a good advice, I also think that some day you will just have to take a chance and give it a shot, even if you're still a little scared.

We avoid what we fear. Therefore, we have no bad experiences, but we have no good experiences either that could prove to us: It's not dangerous!

There's non way to substitute real physical experience. Thinking about it, reading about it, imagining it can all help, but if you wanna lose your fear of spiders you've got to face a real spider.

When we are completely relaxed, we cannot experience fear. It's a physical impossibility. Either one is relaxed, or one is afraid. It could really help you if you learned to physically relax on command. Not just your sphincter muscle, but your entire body. I would recommend you practise to really really relax before you try.

As an exercise, you could try to relax. Then imagine how it will be, in full detail. If you feel your fear rising or your body tensioning, think about something else and tell yourself to relax. When you are fully relaxed, go back to imagining how your partner is getting closer - entering you - further ... just until you feel uneasiness. Then stop and go back to relaxing. Do this until you can imagine the whole act without being tense or afraid. That could take a while!

I don't think that "surprise!" is a good idea. Shock therapy is a good thing, but not if you stand to get physically injured.

P.S. A good way of relaxing is to learn Progressive Muscle Relaxation (Jacobson). I can tell you how that works, if you like.

There has been much great advice shared on this thread, kuds to all.
At some point it seems the fear is of the fear itself, it reproduces itself in a cycle. You are afraid, so you dont relax, so it hurts, so you become more afraid....
Not to sound glib, but a few drinks or a joint might help.

Very good advice above. Two comments:

1) Sneaking up is a very bad idea. The muscles need slowly worked into a more and more relaxed state. The various sized dildoes/butt plugs are good for that, or slowly adding more than one finger.

2) The "burning" that you refer to may be an indication that even though you are trying to go slowly, it may still be to fast and/or you don't have enough lube. It should be entire possible to avoid the burning sensation. That is, unless you don't want to avoid it.

While I would never recommend mixing alcohol with scening, sometimes a glass of wine goes far to help you relax.

As much as anything else....

....my theory is that the fascination with anal intercourse is at least as much about the taboo as the actual act.

Perhaps it's one of those things where the journey is more interesting than the destination.

Thoughts?

Ben Dover

For some, that may be the case.

I have read posts by men who don't enjoy it as the sensation is far lacking after the initial penetration.

Some women enjoy it because it is taboo.

Others achieve orgasm during anal and I would say there, the destination minimally equates to the journey!

Re: As much as anything else....

Lancecastor said:

....my theory is that the fascination with anal intercourse is at least as much about the taboo as the actual act.

Perhaps it's one of those things where the journey is more interesting than the destination.

Thoughts?

Ben Dover

Click to expand...

I think that is a factor, yes, but much more so from the point of view of the fucker than the fuckee. The physical sensation felt by the recipient is quite powerful in it's own right , regardless of the taboo connotations. But I do agree that the taboo adds spice to the action.

MissTaken said:

For some, that may be the case.

I have read posts by men who don't enjoy it as the sensation is far lacking after the initial penetration.

Click to expand...

That certainly has ben been the case for me. The sensation of having my prostate massaged by cock or dildo is enormously arousing and I have on occasion achieved orgasm from it with no external stilulation.

Re: Re: As much as anything else....

James Blandings said:

I think that is a factor, yes, but much more so from the point of view of the fucker than the fuckee. The physical sensation felt by the recipient is quite powerful in it's own right , regardless of the taboo connotations. But I do agree that the taboo adds spice to the action.

Click to expand...

What's the nerve ending comparison in the Uranus system versus the Planet Vagina, I wonder? (numbers, type,sensitivity,etc).

I'm sure I've read about the comparison from an anatomical perspective before.....but can't recall just now.

Lance

And let's not forget when it's the man getting it in the ass... the nerve endings in the prostate... I hear it is quite intense. Even though I've never had a bad experience like Cirrus (no experiences at all as the "fuckee" actually), I can definitely see why she is afraid. I know I would be. I think a big factor for me if I were to ever try it would be trust. I think once you get past the idea mentally and feel complete trust, the physical part gets much much easier. In my experience as the "fucker", once you have that trust, it's all downhill from there. That's just my experience. Plus, I've never been with a woman that had a bad experience with anal sex before.

PBW

I'm going to add my .02 cents in here because it was only in the last few weeks that I got to fully explore anal sex with my partner.

First off, he was very experienced in this area -- both in giving and receiving, so -- I got lucky.

The whole taboo thing never even was a part of it for me. Or my partner -- so for us, it was all about the stimulation.

I will say for me that while there's a little pleasure/pain thing that goes on for me -- I also cum very intensely from anal thrusting. It feels different from just cumming vaginally -- which I can do too without direct clitoral stimulation. I think it really is specific to the woman, though. Not every woman cums the same way -- same as not every guy reacts the same way to his prostate being stimulated.

And I had fears about it myself. For one thing -- I had guys just be too rough with inserting fingers into me -- thrusting their fingers in my ass and also my vagina when they were trying to make me cum or while I was cumming -- but so harshly to the extent that it diminshed my pleasure.

My problem was, I didn't speak up. Well, lol, I did say finally -- "no more ass" in a soft voice, lol. But it's hard in the middle of sex to not want to insult your partner and tell them you're taking away from my pleasure *completely*.

Okay, so here's my suggestions on becoming a BDG (Back Door Girl) And I'm going to boast a bit here and mention that I was told I was a "natural" more than once, lol. So I think my advice may in some ways help. I hope!

Okay first off -- I can't say this ENOUGH -- Lube, lube, lube and yes, more lube! We used Maxim -- it's thicker than Astroglide, and it's comes in a pump dispenser. It helped -- a lot.

Try different positions with your partner while he works fingers into your ass. While he's giving you oral sex, while he doing you doggie style (he could work up from a finger or two -- to his thumb), while you ride him reverse -- he could insert a finger or his thumb. All helped me get used to the experience -- and cumming in a variety of positions.

Now the other thing is -- I'm lucky here, I'm very, very *very* multi-orgasmic. So, he didn't start to do any ass play until I'd cum a few times. That also I found helped a lot. For one thing, my juices were already flowing and I was just looser in general.

And I asked him to do it, to start inserting fingers the first time we were exploring this together, even though I was scared because of my past experiences. But I *wanted* it. When the iron is hot -- strike!

The first time he completely entered me with his penis -- it was when I was laying down on my back -- legs over his shoulders, and he was (lol, obviously) facing me -- he was on his knees. I rubbed my clit *a lot* while he inserted his fingers. First one, then two, then twisting them as I came. Again this is a pain/pleasure thing at times. Then he started to work the head of his cock into me. From everything I'd read I knew it's a strange sensation -- being filled up like that -- and one you just have to go with and not panic about. It can make you feel like you want to release your bowels -- at least that's sometimes how it strikes me.

Anyway, we used *lots* of lube that time...I knew in the moments when it just damn well *hurt* and it wasn't that pain/pleasure/discomfort zone. That's when I'd ask for more lube -- even if I felt slightly embarassed! You HAVE to. You have to get over any of your own reticence and make sure it's a good experience for yourself. That's taking responsibility for your sexuality -- even if you're in a submissive position. You're still responsible. You have to listen to your own body on that. Because that's what is going to give both of you pleasure.

And when you want something -- lol, you want it. And the other thing was rather than him so much pushing into me -- I tried to sort of push into him -- which granted is not easy in that position.

You know, I thought it was okay the first time. I wasn't wild about it. I was *wild* about the way he came, how it was for him, the intensity of it for him. Wow.

He told me afterwards -- for a first time, that's not one of the easiest positions to be entered from. But I do think there's an advantage here -- *he could watch my face*. He could remind me to rub my clit -- he could see when the pain was overcoming the pleasure.

The next time we did it -- I was on all fours and he entered me from behind. That was a little easier on me, *but* -- I enjoyed seeing his face and reactions more the other way.

Interestingly enough, the sensations of cumming anally are different for me in different positions. Perhaps that's just me.

So, I think the next few times we did it -- it was always in the position with my legs over his shoulders. I was able to get used to taking him inside me all the way and have him thrust into me. And you know, I grew to beg him to cum in me like that -- I could feel the intensity of his orgasms so easily, it was amazing.

Besides -- and this is again the key for me -- I cum with anal stimulation. He'd be thrusting into me -- and at that point I wasn't rubbing my clit anymore -- I was cumming full force from the stimulation of him thrusting into my ass.

And -- lol, as he started to cum -- I *always* would. Which made it even more intense for him.

Towards the end of our relationship (it was a mutual thing, all good and positive) he bought me a vibrating butt plug. And the last time we had sex -- while I was facing him and riding him, he worked it into me. Now I'll tell you, that sort of hurt a bit and it was harder in that position to be lubed up. Because as it was he was really reaching around me. But I just went with it. And when it was in all the way -- it was definitely on that pain/pleasure line. And then he turned it on. (Remember it was a vibrating one) Uh, I didn't know I was capable of feeling an orgasm that was quite so intense in that way. Ah, the beauties of double penetration.

Oh yes, and on his side...lol. I used fingers on him as I would suck him off. He seemed to enjoy that. He loved anal play. I used one of his favorite butt plug toys on him (non vibrating) as I would jerk him off. And eventually -- hehehe -- he bought me a harness with a double dildo and *I* fucked him up the ass. While he was restrained. He really encouraged me, it was my first time being that dominant. It was quite a trip. He made me feel confident and he was very experienced -- and I think we both really enjoyed it. If I don't do it again -- I'm fine with that too. But it was great to have tried. And all I have to say is that I'm forever in admiration for the lovers in my life now -- because thrusting is HARD work!

Okay, lol. That was more than a .02 cents contribution. Call it a buck fifty and we're square.

I genuinely hope that helps -- it's been a great experience for me. But, it's ALL about what works for you. You test your boundaries -- but some you find, you're happy where they are.

Let's put it this way -- they are SO many things I want to experience sexually. And some I'm not so sure about. But I know that in other areas of my life for example -- I can die happy in the knowledge that I've never gone down hill skiing. It's just something I KNOW I don't want to do, lol.

And I can live with that.

P.

Wow, what a post Persephone.

I just thought of one more idea to add.

As a warm up or precursor, sometimes we use an enema. We have a full enema contraption from a drugstore, but we also just bought a small "anal cleaner"; a small tube stuck into a squeezable ball. Just follow any general enema rules (I'm sure there are some in the history of this board, if you do a search).

What that tends to do is to help in the relaxation of the anal area, as well as beginning the stimulation process. Don't use too much water though, or you might have to abort at a crucial moment .

If the concept cleanliness of anal sex is part of the problem, an enema before might help there too. I'm not saying that that is an issue here, but who knows.

Lol, that was sort of the Mega-Anal post, wasn't it?

You know Boz -- I think it's great you mentioned the enema part because I've heard that before.

Personally, it's not my thing at all -- but I have certainly nothing against it as a great suggestion -- I can understand for some that it truly helps.

Oh yes -- and it terms of the cleanliness factor -- a good suggestion people often say is take a shower *together* first. Fun and cleanliness at the same time!

I'll also throw in -- since this is "anal central" now, lol, that I loved the experience of rimming my partner and being rimmed. In terms of taboo and the cleanliness issue -- I think that probably pushes a lot of people's buttons.

For me, it was part of extending my sexual boundaries -- it made me feel incredibly powerful afterwards because of the experience of such intense sexual intimacy.

Just another addition.

P.

Cirrus said:

I've anal sex a total of 2 times in my life. Both horrible experiences. Any other way I can get past this?

Click to expand...

Communicate and lube, patient fondling and lube, talk about the weather and lube, ask questions and lube, kiss and lube, tell him you love him and lube,...you get the idea now.

It does take time and patience,...and LUBE. There should be no BURNING sensation. Strange sensations,...sure,...uncomfortable,...maybe. The
key words here are slow and gentle, and,...LUBE!

Hey,...there ARE women whose vaginal opening is TOO small for a normal size penis to penetrate without EXTREME pain.

Take your time, investigate, explore, do it at YOUR leisure,...try inserting something clean and sterile at your OWN pace,...by yourself.

You will find out what you need to know.

I am so glad I read this thread.

It is something that we are working towards.

I hope we get there soon

Willow, take it slow, but go for it! Its worth it.

What if I told you that...

Persephone36 said:

Let's put it this way -- they are SO many things I want to experience sexually. And some I'm not so sure about. But I know that in other areas of my life for example -- I can die happy in the knowledge that I've never gone down hill skiing. It's just something I KNOW I don't want to do, lol.

And I can live with that.

P.

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...downhill is even more fun than anal?

Well, okay, maybe not more fun, but as much fun in a different way?



A thorough and erotic post, P36...thanks.

Cheers;
Lance

I believe you that you find...

Lancecastor said:

...downhill is even more fun than anal?

Well, okay, maybe not more fun, but as much fun in a different way?



A thorough and erotic post, P36...thanks.

Cheers;
Lance

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...but it just happens to be that for me I'm terrified of balancing on something at a height. I would love it, if I thought that fear was worth getting over...but, nah, I've hosted trips for bankers to Telluride and Park City -- if those places couldn't lure me on the slopes -- nothing could!

That's why I prefer to keep my anal experiences limited to loft beds at the top end of *that* height spectrum.

P.

Re: I believe you that you find...

Persephone36 said:

...but it just happens to be that for me I'm terrified of balancing on something at a height. I would love it, if I thought that fear was worth getting over...but, nah, I've hosted trips for bankers to Telluride and Park City -- if those places couldn't lure me on the slopes -- nothing could!

That's why I prefer to keep my anal experiences limited to loft beds at the top end of *that* height spectrum.

P.

Click to expand...

I was scared to death of downhill...until I tried it...so you analogy worked for me. Thanks again.

So, only in loft beds with an altitude below that of Telluride? That narrows things down.... ha!

Cheers;
Lance "Often Imitated, Never Duplicated" Castor

Re: Re: I believe you that you find...

Lancecastor said:

So, only in loft beds with an altitude below that of Telluride? That narrows things down.... ha!

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Oh just to clarify -- *not* limited to loft beds. Hardly. But yes, anything from below sea level to below, oh, 8,000 - 10,000 feet I'd say works for me (otherwise, too many water and aspirin breaks required)

P.