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Old 06-21-2014, 09:31 AM   #1
cynical_bitch
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How do I ask my partner if I can have a fuck buddy while we're LD?

Hello!

I've been having an issue recently and I feel like this is the only place that I could get good advice from about this sort of thing at the moment.

So, my partner and I have been together for 3 years and usually reside in California. We live together, have a pretty good sex life, and although I have some qualms I would say we have a healthy relationship that I would like to continue.

I am currently on the other side of the country for work and will be for the next 6 months or so. I talk to my partner every night and we share sexy pictures, which is great, but I am desperate for physical affection. I can't take time off of my job to see him and he can only visit me once next month. So after he is gone, that still leaves me masturbating for another 5 months all by myself.

I've managed to make some friends while I am here with the people that I work with, one of whom is a guy a little older than me who I find attractive (no clue why, but I do). Not in the "I-have-romantic-feelings-for-him" way, but in the "He'd-probably-be-pretty-fun-in-bed". He's expressed interest in a physical relationship with me, and made sure that I knew that it would be on my terms and that if I didn't want one or wanted to stop for any reason, that would be fine and we could go back to just being close friends.

I would love to start something purely physical with this guy, but when I have mentioned open relationships in the past, my partner got fairly upset. I believe this is mostly because he imagines me leaving him for another guy, which I wouldn't do anyway. I would have no intentions of ever leaving him to be with this guy, and my partner is more important.

So the question I guess is how do I approach the topic of me having a purely physical fuck buddy while I am out here without making him feel threatened? I don't want to hurt him or make him worry about our relationship - I just have a very active libido and think it would be nice to exercise it with one person who I have "permission" to do things with.

Sorry it's long...thanks for reading!
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:38 AM   #2
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Sounds to me like you already have a final answer from him. The only thing I can think of is what I know would work for me. if I got to swing with my significant other or have a threesome, it would definitely ease the transition, and then I would be up for it.
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:40 AM   #3
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Become the POS you were born to be.
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:47 AM   #4
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Become the POS you were born to be.
POS?

As in "pos" or "neg" anode? Sorry, I don't speak this language well.

Or might that be "Pretty Ole Slut?"

Or "Pie On the Side?"
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:51 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by cynical_bitch View Post
Hello!

I've been having an issue recently and I feel like this is the only place that I could get good advice from about this sort of thing at the moment.

So, my partner and I have been together for 3 years and usually reside in California. We live together, have a pretty good sex life, and although I have some qualms I would say we have a healthy relationship that I would like to continue.

I am currently on the other side of the country for work and will be for the next 6 months or so. I talk to my partner every night and we share sexy pictures, which is great, but I am desperate for physical affection. I can't take time off of my job to see him and he can only visit me once next month. So after he is gone, that still leaves me masturbating for another 5 months all by myself.

I've managed to make some friends while I am here with the people that I work with, one of whom is a guy a little older than me who I find attractive (no clue why, but I do). Not in the "I-have-romantic-feelings-for-him" way, but in the "He'd-probably-be-pretty-fun-in-bed". He's expressed interest in a physical relationship with me, and made sure that I knew that it would be on my terms and that if I didn't want one or wanted to stop for any reason, that would be fine and we could go back to just being close friends.

I would love to start something purely physical with this guy, but when I have mentioned open relationships in the past, my partner got fairly upset. I believe this is mostly because he imagines me leaving him for another guy, which I wouldn't do anyway. I would have no intentions of ever leaving him to be with this guy, and my partner is more important.

So the question I guess is how do I approach the topic of me having a purely physical fuck buddy while I am out here without making him feel threatened? I don't want to hurt him or make him worry about our relationship - I just have a very active libido and think it would be nice to exercise it with one person who I have "permission" to do things with.

Sorry it's long...thanks for reading!

It's easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission...

Maybe you could ease into it by expressing concern about his DSB. And hinting that if he needed to find assistance in draining the reservoir, you wouldn't object.

Then, of course, he would be an asshole if he denied you the same consideration.

Personally, if I were him, I'd rather not know. Of course if you asked I couldn't very well refuse.

But it's been pointed out that I'm not exactly normal.
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Old 06-21-2014, 11:19 AM   #6
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Mixing work and sex is generally a mistake. It's a train wreck waiting to happen. And there'll be plenty of blow back when the sex isn't any good or you get in a mood to cut him off. The saying, "Don't shit where you eat," applies.

Since he's already flipped out on the idea of an open relationship, you know he won't like you getting cock on the side. For some odd reason some people think a relationship means just the two of you. Either cut him loose or be faithful if the relationship is actually important to you. I'm guessing you really don't care about it, you just don't want to feel bad about fucking the guy at work. Which makes JBJ's advice just as sound.
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Old 06-21-2014, 11:29 AM   #7
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Mixing work and sex is generally a mistake. It's a train wreck waiting to happen. And there'll be plenty of blow back when the sex isn't any good or you get in a mood to cut him off. The saying, "Don't shit where you eat," applies.

Since he's already flipped out on the idea of an open relationship, you know he won't like you getting cock on the side. For some odd reason some people think a relationship means just the two of you. Either cut him loose or be faithful if the relationship is actually important to you. I'm guessing you really don't care about it, you just don't want to feel bad about fucking the guy at work. Which makes JBJ's advice just as sound.
I prefer the more polite, "Don't get your sex where you pick up your checks," or "Don't have your Honey where you make your money."
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Old 06-21-2014, 11:30 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by cynical_bitch View Post
Hello!

I've been having an issue recently and I feel like this is the only place that I could get good advice from about this sort of thing at the moment.

So, my partner and I have been together for 3 years and usually reside in California. We live together, have a pretty good sex life, and although I have some qualms I would say we have a healthy relationship that I would like to continue.

I am currently on the other side of the country for work and will be for the next 6 months or so. I talk to my partner every night and we share sexy pictures, which is great, but I am desperate for physical affection. I can't take time off of my job to see him and he can only visit me once next month. So after he is gone, that still leaves me masturbating for another 5 months all by myself.

I've managed to make some friends while I am here with the people that I work with, one of whom is a guy a little older than me who I find attractive (no clue why, but I do). Not in the "I-have-romantic-feelings-for-him" way, but in the "He'd-probably-be-pretty-fun-in-bed". He's expressed interest in a physical relationship with me, and made sure that I knew that it would be on my terms and that if I didn't want one or wanted to stop for any reason, that would be fine and we could go back to just being close friends.

I would love to start something purely physical with this guy, but when I have mentioned open relationships in the past, my partner got fairly upset. I believe this is mostly because he imagines me leaving him for another guy, which I wouldn't do anyway. I would have no intentions of ever leaving him to be with this guy, and my partner is more important.

So the question I guess is how do I approach the topic of me having a purely physical fuck buddy while I am out here without making him feel threatened? I don't want to hurt him or make him worry about our relationship - I just have a very active libido and think it would be nice to exercise it with one person who I have "permission" to do things with.

Sorry it's long...thanks for reading!
Maybe you should try a girlfriend. That doesn't really count as cheating. Especially if you share her with him
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Old 06-21-2014, 02:31 PM   #9
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I see flashing yellow lights and caution signs all over that road.

Now I don't know this guy, but that would be a very good way NOT to have a permanent serious relationship with me.

It would immediately place you in the someone to date when you were around category and I would start looking for someone else to be with long term.

And I probably would not tell you that either.

Oh, yeah.

When you are somewhere you aren't supposed to be, with someone you aren't supposed to be with, doing something you aren't supposed to be doing... there is always a price to pay even if you are the only one who knows about it.

If you HAVE to wonder about the rightness of it...it's wrong and usually a bad ideal.


Give it some serious thought because we can always convince ourselves that what we want, we need, and it's OK for us to do it because we want to.

Let us know how this turns out!
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Old 06-21-2014, 03:38 PM   #10
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Example A

Example B

Alright, talking someone into this has a way of backfiring. If one person in the relationship is against this, there isn't a way to "get them to do it."

Poly relationships or open relationships can be successful, but your situation doesn't sound like a good base for this. The above examples are in no way representative of real, understanding, open relationships. It takes a great amount of trust and communication. Communication also requires you listen to your partner as well.
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Old 06-21-2014, 06:16 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by cynical_bitch View Post
So after he is gone, that still leaves me masturbating for another 5 months all by myself.
Life is going to be such a terrible surprise for you.

Quote:
I would love to start something purely physical with this guy, but when I have mentioned open relationships in the past, my partner got fairly upset. I believe this is mostly because he imagines me leaving him for another guy, which I wouldn't do anyway. I would have no intentions of ever leaving him to be with this guy, and my partner is more important.
So you are the one out of 3 billion women who has absolute power over her emotions, hm? You don't even have the self control to live 5 months without a cock in your pussy. Who are you trying to kid?
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Old 06-21-2014, 06:20 PM   #12
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Life is going to be such a terrible surprise for you.



So you are the one out of 3 billion women who has absolute power over her emotions, hm? You don't even have the self control to live 5 months without a cock in your pussy. Who are you trying to kid?
If I had a hot snatch I wouldn't let it sit around vacant for 5 months...
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Old 06-21-2014, 06:56 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cynical_bitch View Post
Hello!

I've been having an issue recently and I feel like this is the only place that I could get good advice from about this sort of thing at the moment.

So, my partner and I have been together for 3 years and usually reside in California. We live together, have a pretty good sex life, and although I have some qualms I would say we have a healthy relationship that I would like to continue.

I am currently on the other side of the country for work and will be for the next 6 months or so. I talk to my partner every night and we share sexy pictures, which is great, but I am desperate for physical affection. I can't take time off of my job to see him and he can only visit me once next month. So after he is gone, that still leaves me masturbating for another 5 months all by myself.

I've managed to make some friends while I am here with the people that I work with, one of whom is a guy a little older than me who I find attractive (no clue why, but I do). Not in the "I-have-romantic-feelings-for-him" way, but in the "He'd-probably-be-pretty-fun-in-bed". He's expressed interest in a physical relationship with me, and made sure that I knew that it would be on my terms and that if I didn't want one or wanted to stop for any reason, that would be fine and we could go back to just being close friends.

I would love to start something purely physical with this guy, but when I have mentioned open relationships in the past, my partner got fairly upset. I believe this is mostly because he imagines me leaving him for another guy, which I wouldn't do anyway. I would have no intentions of ever leaving him to be with this guy, and my partner is more important.

So the question I guess is how do I approach the topic of me having a purely physical fuck buddy while I am out here without making him feel threatened? I don't want to hurt him or make him worry about our relationship - I just have a very active libido and think it would be nice to exercise it with one person who I have "permission" to do things with.

Sorry it's long...thanks for reading!
My partner and I have been in a somewhat-open relationship for something like 14 years now (can't remember exactly when it was we had The Talk). I don't claim to be an expert but I have seen a little bit of what does and doesn't work, and as others have pointed out, this looks like a situation that has a big risk of blowing up in your face. Poly is a big and complicated door to open, and if it does go badly you will really, really wish you'd waited out the six months and kept things simple. Some considerations:

- It may not be realistic to promise a "just physical" relationship. You're friends with this guy, you spend a lot of time around him, you're away from your usual circles and it sounds like you're a bit lonely. It's quite possible that you might start developing more than sexual feelings for him, or vice versa. I think it's unwise to make promises about feelings; better to focus on concrete actions.

- Many US companies have HR policies against workplace relationships; some places you can get fired for it. Even if that's not the case, it can have consequences for your work, e.g. having to work with somebody you've just broken up with, or a perception of favouritism from colleagues who've noticed your relationship.

- Your partner has already said no. Sometimes people do change their minds on that one, but when that happens it's usually in a place where they're feeling more secure about the relationship. The facts that you're currently long-distance AND you already have somebody lined up AND he's a workmate, none of them are likely to play towards him feeling more secure. He might even start thinking: "she's really determined to do this, she's not listening when I say no, if I do say no again how do I know she's going to respect that?"

In your position, if I was serious about wanting an open relationship in the long term - not just to scratch this one itch - I would wait until I got back to California and say something like this:

"Honey, while we were away, one of my workmates asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. I told him no because you and I already discussed this and you weren't comfortable with the idea, and I didn't think it was fair to ask you to revisit that discussion again while I was away. Now I'm back, I'd like to talk about it." Then ask him what it is about the idea that bothers him.

Doing it this way helps reassure him that you do care about his feelings and you're not going to go behind his back if he says no. It does mean passing up an opportunity, but... although it might seem like poly/open relationships are a way to avoid making tough choices, my experience has been that you end up having to make MORE of those choices.
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Old 06-21-2014, 07:18 PM   #14
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Be Straightforward

You seem to be looking for someone to tell you how to manipulate your partner into allowing you to do something that he has expressed displeasure for in the past. An active libido is an understandable thing, but so is desiring fidelity. People have differing ideas about what fidelity is, and it is possible that, while you believe infidelity to occur when there is an emotional betrayal, he may believe that infidelity occurs when there is an emotional or a physical betrayal. If that is the case, then there is nothing you can say to change his opinion, and you need to decide to either honor it or not.

There are several courses of action you can take, but, ultimately, all but one circumvent the issue. Present your position to him, like you've done here, and wait for his response. There is simply no other good way of going about this besides talking.

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Do not read too deeply into the language of this reply. It is not judgmental, and I am not taking a stance on the "rightness" of the issue. I am simply using the clearest and most concise language possible.
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Old 06-21-2014, 07:19 PM   #15
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Maybe you should try a girlfriend. That doesn't really count as cheating. Especially if you share her with him
I don't think you meant this seriously, but there are people who really do believe that stuff, and it's kinda obnoxious.

The idea that sleeping with another woman doesn't count as cheating - it tends to come from the belief that female relationships aren't important, because they're not a threat to the guy's "ownership" of "his" woman. There are plenty of guys who've learned the hard way that this isn't true, when their girlfriend left them for another woman, and it serves them bloody well right.

And getting into a relationship with another woman on the basis of "it's okay because my boyfriend says you don't count" - how does anybody navigate that without being either insulting or dishonest to one of her partners?

Also, don't assume that a woman is interested in being "shared" unless she's said so. Quite a few MF couples seem to have this idea that it's okay to send the F out as bait for another woman and get her interested before telling her they're actually looking for a threesome and she's expected to sleep with the guy. Bait-and-switch ain't cool.
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Old 06-21-2014, 07:35 PM   #16
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If I had a hot snatch I wouldn't let it sit around vacant for 5 months...
Which just shows that the average owner of a hot snatch is more mature than you are.
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Old 06-21-2014, 07:42 PM   #17
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If I had a hot snatch I wouldn't let it sit around vacant for 5 months...
Because, apparently, it is more important filling up that hole with a piece of meat than risking to hurt someone you claim to care about

I was in bed 8 months keeping up risky pregnancy. Sex was out of the question. Plus about 6 months after very tough delivery that almost took my life and left me with internal scars I still feel sometimes. I believe my daughter is worth all that and some more.
But then I guess my snatch is not hot enough since I can control it in the name of something I find more valuable than casual humping.
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Old 06-21-2014, 08:41 PM   #18
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You know I find it interesting that you only mention YOU having a fuck buddy and not your partner. If you open up the relationship, it's gotta open for both of you and not just you fucking around while he remains faithful.

Everyone here has already mentioned all the pertinent points. If you can't go 5 months without sex, boy are you in for a surprise in life!

If he's not into an open relationship (and he's already expressed that he isn't) then there's nothing you can say to convince him or manipulate him into wanting it. You could push until he agrees, but he may agree just to quit the conversation, decide he can't trust you and cut you loose while you're away.

How would YOU feel if he told you that you weren't enough and he wanted to keep fucking other people? I don't see this as a conversation that can end well.
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Old 06-21-2014, 08:54 PM   #19
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How much do you want either man? How much do you want your home, your job? What do you expect from life? Are you satisfied with who you are?

I ask because you have choices. Do you choose a solid or flaky-shaky relationship? Do you really want to live in your California environment? Would you rather be elsewhere, with a different social circle, different lovers, etc? You can always re-invent yourself -- don't even have to relocate far (altho it helps).

But that requires disposing of traces of the old you. Are you tired of the old you? The old you that was in a steady relationship? Seems your partner made it clear that he wants the old exclusive you, not the new open you. You seem to want a new open partner. When he says he won't change, what will you do?
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Old 06-21-2014, 09:39 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by FGB View Post
I see flashing yellow lights and caution signs all over that road.

Now I don't know this guy, but that would be a very good way NOT to have a permanent serious relationship with me.

It would immediately place you in the someone to date when you were around category and I would start looking for someone else to be with long term.

And I probably would not tell you that either.

Oh, yeah.

When you are somewhere you aren't supposed to be, with someone you aren't supposed to be with, doing something you aren't supposed to be doing... there is always a price to pay even if you are the only one who knows about it.

If you HAVE to wonder about the rightness of it...it's wrong and usually a bad ideal.


Give it some serious thought because we can always convince ourselves that what we want, we need, and it's OK for us to do it because we want to.

Let us know how this turns out!
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Old 06-21-2014, 11:48 PM   #21
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You know I find it interesting that you only mention YOU having a fuck buddy and not your partner. If you open up the relationship, it's gotta open for both of you and not just you fucking around while he remains faithful.
It doesn't strictly have to. There are "mono-poly" couples out there who are quite happy with an arrangement where only one of them has other partners.

That said, if the rules aren't equal for both people in the relationship, that needs to be negotiated very clearly and people need to be honest about why they want different rules.

(And sometimes it's just because one person doesn't want other lovers but is okay with their partner having that.)
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Old 06-22-2014, 02:52 AM   #22
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Because, apparently, it is more important filling up that hole with a piece of meat than risking to hurt someone you claim to care about

I was in bed 8 months keeping up risky pregnancy. Sex was out of the question. Plus about 6 months after very tough delivery that almost took my life and left me with internal scars I still feel sometimes. I believe my daughter is worth all that and some more.
But then I guess my snatch is not hot enough since I can control it in the name of something I find more valuable than casual humping.
Point taken...but I'm not female and I don't have women's knowledge.

So perhaps I should keep my mouth shut and let the ladies take care of this.

OK, not perhaps. Definitely.

But in my defense, I really didn't think this was a serious question...just something to start a debate. But in case I was wrong I apologize.
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Old 06-22-2014, 03:19 AM   #23
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Point taken...but I'm not female and I don't have women's knowledge.
You dont need a female knowledge to realize your genital organs are not the center of the universe.
And contrary to the popular beliefs, men have hearts, brains and capability to set their priorities straight too. Well, some of them....
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Old 06-22-2014, 10:03 AM   #24
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If you've never discussed the notion of an open relationship or swapping with him before and know how he feels about it, doing so remotely from 3000 miles away is not the way to do it. It could likely cause hard feelings and suspicions even if you tell him "ok, I'm not going to do it". There was a post that suggested that asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission but trust me, once your partner finds out you've cheated and it's not something they agree with, the pain and suspicion and "elephant in the room" never go away. I was outed cheating 12 years ago. We are still married after over a year of counseling, but the tension and suspicion has never gone away.

So, if this is something you have discussed and basically agree on, don't bring it up from across the country. Make sure you know how you'd feel if he called or wrote to you and said he was fucking somebody else while you were away.

If you want to take the risk of cheating and you can live with it, do it and be very careful about STD's or pregnancy or him being an obsessive asshole who will haunt you after you go back home. If you take that route, DO NOT volunteer to him that you did it. There are hundreds of thousands of people who cheat every day of every year and their spouses or SO's don't know and are better off for not knowing. Volunteering that information is for people who want to dump their own guilt onto their spouse and then are shocked when they aren't "forgiven in loving arms." Don't believe the crap you see in movies where people voluntarily confess and all is fine. If you want an open relationship, work that out before you're out of town and drop it on his head like a brick.
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Old 06-22-2014, 10:44 AM   #25
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amofiga View Post
If you want to take the risk of cheating and you can live with it, do it and be very careful about STD's or pregnancy or him being an obsessive asshole who will haunt you after you go back home. If you take that route, DO NOT volunteer to him that you did it. There are hundreds of thousands of people who cheat every day of every year and their spouses or SO's don't know and are better off for not knowing. Volunteering that information is for people who want to dump their own guilt onto their spouse and then are shocked when they aren't "forgiven in loving arms." Don't believe the crap you see in movies where people voluntarily confess and all is fine.
It really depends. My partner cheated on me once, early in our relationship, and confessed a few days later, and I'm glad she told me. I'd already picked up that something was off, I had a good guess what it was, and the suspicion would have killed things if she hadn't come clean - I'm pretty forgiving of lapses but not of dishonesty. Because she did come clean, we moved on very quickly and still trust one another sixteen years later.

I doubt there's a guaranteed best way to handle that situation - which seems like another reason not to get into it in the first place.
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