Feedback on my first story (brother/sister incest story)

I would love to get some feedback on my first story. The more critique you got the better, since I want to improve.

Name of story: Dealing With Sister

Category: NonConsent/Reluctance, Incest

The sister gets grounded and asks her brother to get some weed for her in exchange of setting him up with one of her friends who she guarantee will sleep with him....


Here's the feedback I've got so far, just to give you a taste what it's about:

by Anonymous
05/07/14
no good stories anymore

not good in any way keep the trash in the nonerotic area not here. swapping drugs for sex does not belong here.

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I didn't consider it very constructive since the drugs were an integral part of the story. I would love to hear what others have to say, good or bad. Preferable bad since it will help me improve more.

Readers bring everything to stories but writing competence, and stories are scored for every irrelevant whim, notion, delusion, and appetite the reader has. Readers are clueless dorks.

I probably wouldn't go as far as you did, but I agree to a point. A number tells you very little. A written comment tells you more and well thought out feedback tells you the most.

A lot of numbers adds up and can give you an idea of where your writing is at, but it only tells you that you need to improve and not how. With comments it’s usually easy to figure out why they didn’t like the story, but it doesn’t necessarily help you. This is why I would like feedback, since it’s the best way for me to improve and I would be very grateful to anyone who provided it.

Thanks for comment JBJ.

I think the beginning could have been much stronger. You bypass the usual introduction of I'm this old-this tall-this color-this dick size well, but you only take it halfway as far as putting the reader into the middle of the action. Here are the first 7-8 paragraphs of your story. I've done barely anything to them other than re-order them to make them more dynamic:




"It's only fucking pot, dad. You're so fucking unfair!" Sarah screamed. Mark woke up from the screaming downstairs and he immediately knew what it was. He looked over at the clock and could see it was well past her curfew and she was most likely drunk, too. Mark was waiting for it to calm down so he could go back to sleep again, but it seemed worse than usual.

"Only pot? If you're not careful, you're going to end up in the gutters. Why can't you be more like your brother? More responsible!" their father screamed back at her.

"Twenty-one, a virgin and still living at home with his parents. No, thanks, dad, I would rather live my life in the real world than in front of the computer!" Sarah screamed back at him and Mark wished he hadn't heard it. He was already feeling pathetic and hearing his sister say the same things he was feeling only made it worse.

Mark was everything his sister wasn't. He was a good student; he didn't go out partying and yes, he was still a virgin. He had thought things would've changed when he started studying at the local college, but it hadn't and he was just as awkward around women as he had been in high school and it was killing him. Sarah was eighteen and all she had to do to get laid was to wiggle her butt and all the guys would come running. She'd been a cheerleader during the first years in high school, but had left the squad to have more time for boys and parties. She had probably already slept with more people than he would in his whole lifetime.

Of course their parents saw him as the successful one, with good grades and well on his way to get a degree in computer science. It wasn't like Sarah was going to fail to graduate; she only had three months left of her senior year and had done okay so far. On the other hand she had been even more antisocial than normal lately and he couldn't remember the last time he had a conversation that contained more than a few words with her. Mark got up from the bed and sneaked over to the door and opened it just enough so he could hear better what was going on.

They continued screaming at each other and even his mother got involved until he could finally hear Sarah make her way up the stairs and slam the door with full force behind her. Tomorrow morning was going to be really tense and he wasn't looking forward to it. If only he had some friends to call and hang out with instead of being stuck in front of his computer playing games, watching porn and studying. That was what his life was like and he hated it.


I'd say that's indicative of an issue that runs through the whole story: you're telling, not showing. You tell us Sarah's hot, pretty, stunning, etc. but you don't say much that's specific about her other than she's got long blonde hair and tan with small or average sized breasts. You don't describe Mark at all. Two things make erotica hot, a plot that fits the particular fantasy of the reader and enough detail for the reader to identify strongly with the action. If you've just got the plot, then you'll always have some people who really like it, because it fits a fantasy script that turns them on and some people who hate it because it's a fantasy script that turns them off and a much larger portion of readers who don't have a strong reaction either way. To get the ones in the middle, who don't have a strong connection to the plot alone, you need those details that put them in the story.

I just read your story. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for. As far as mechanics go, it was fine. There weren't any misspellings or incorrect punctuation or anything that stood out to me, so kudos for that.

I don't read incest stories, but I imagine like in any other category there's a range of interests. Some like more logic behind it, some don't care. So some will like this and some won't.

I will make a guess that the forced aspect could turn off a lot of people. When I read this, I saw a thinly-veiled rape story. Yes, she had an orgasm and all of that so you avoided the outright rape, but still, it was pretty obvious that he was forcing her.

In other stories, I'm usually looking for plausibility and believability and such, but I tend to leave that at the door with incest stories, because you're starting from a point that would appall most people in the first place. Still, in this story, you go from making Mark a geek who wants to get laid to a man who is so angry he fucks his sister -- that's a big jump on two levels. First, he coerces a woman to have sex; second, that woman is his sister.

So I think what I'm saying, in more general terms, is that the mechanics are good, pacing, etc., but the actual content of the story may put people off.

stlgoddessfreya:

Thanks for the feedback it was very helpful. You are right I could've added more details. Not describing Mark's look was a mistake. I can't change much about the plot, but I could add more details. I need to flesh out the characters more so people get a better feel for them.

Thank you for your feedback, it was helpful.

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PennLady:

Thank you for your comment. Maybe I should put a warning in the opening paragraph so people can avoid it if they dislike that theme. It's in the tags, but that's probably not enough.

Yes you are right that it's a big leap. I tried to make it smaller, by having the sister promise him things that she didn't keep and get on his nerves. I agree, it's still a big leap anyway. Maybe if I flesh out Mark some more it will help with the plausibility. Of course with incest it will always be a problem anyway.

Thanks. It was helpful. Will put up a warning next time, if I deal with themes that might put people off.

Too passive and wordy

The reworking that stlgoddessfreya did was a real improvement. I personally don't like rape/non-consensual stories but I'm here to post my own stuff and I am hoping for some helpful critiques so it's only fair that I do the same.

First, if you haven't already read the Strunk & White, Elements of Style, do so. It's an excellent guide for writing better. I also found Stephen King's, On Writing helpful, as well as a good read in itself.

Okay, onto the critique. As was said above, more show less tell. You're being too wordy in unnecessary places. Long sentences are sometimes necessary but practice making your long ones shorter and shorter. Condensing what you are trying to say in as few words as possible, It will help improve the flow.

My biggest problem with the story was that it just didn't seem real when you got to the struggle between them. Real siblings will fight like cats and dogs if they have even a semi-normal dynamic. A real sister, especially a fit ex-cheerleader would put up more of a struggle. This is more of a problem than the passivity because it takes the story from mediocre to unbelievable. That happening right at the beginning of the "action" give it a bit of a silly wishful thinking feel rather than an a real story feel. If you'd been describing it as a dream or daydream it would have been ok, belief can be suspended for those, but not for real action.

Hope this was helpful and if you want more details or specific examples just let me know.

I read it and commented. Rape stories are a major turn off for me I'm afraid and your protagonist came across as a whiny little jerk who blamed all his problems on anyone but himself - I realise that eroticism is highly subjective so all I can say is I found it a major turn off. If the guy that Mike kicked off his sister had come back with some friends and arse-fucked him into catatonia then that I could have applauded. A Soweto necklace would have been a nice touch too, You'll probably get a better reaction for this if you ask for it to be moved into a more suitable category.

It was well written though, apart from a few minor errors. I mean it got me emotionally engaged and the story flowed smoothly enough it's just that for me the perfect rape story ends with the rapist dying screaming. Can't please them all I suppose

Trixareforkids:

Thanks for the feedback. I will take what you all write and re-read it with all that you've said in mind. Will check for long sentences and see if I can condense them. Also add some more details that show what I’m trying to say instead of saying outright.

Okay, will pay attention to the final scene. Maybe add some more dialogue between them. With him pressuring her for the truth and she challenging him more.

If you got specific examples it would be great. Examples are always great; it makes it easier to see what you mean. I haven’t read the books you recommended, but I will check them out.

Thanks for taking the time to read it. I’m starting to get a good picture what the story is lacking now and what I can do to improve it.

MausAss said:

stlgoddessfreya:

I can't change much about the plot, but I could add more details. I need to flesh out the characters more so people get a better feel for them.
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PennLady:

Maybe I should put a warning in the opening paragraph so people can avoid it if they dislike that theme.

It was helpful. Will put up a warning next time, if I deal with themes that might put people off.

Click to expand...

I disagree that you can't change the plot, subtle changes can make big improvements. And yes on fleshing out the characters more.

As to warning people, I think you will find there to be more of a problem with rape than incest.

It might help the plot/disbelief issue if the slutty bitchy sister egged him on and it was clear that she was only putting up a token struggle. Obviously that's just suggestive and comes from my distaste for rape.

Bert_Fegg said:

I read it and commented. Rape stories are a major turn off for me I'm afraid and your protagonist came across as a whiny little jerk who blamed all his problems on anyone but himself - I realise that eroticism is highly subjective so all I can say is I found it a major turn off. If the guy that Mike kicked off his sister had come back with some friends and arse-fucked him into catatonia then that I could have applauded. A Soweto necklace would have been a nice touch too, You'll probably get a better reaction for this if you ask for it to be moved into a more suitable category.

It was well written though, apart from a few minor errors. I mean it got me emotionally engaged and the story flowed smoothly enough it's just that for me the perfect rape story ends with the rapist dying screaming. Can't please them all I suppose

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Haha. I really need a warning about the rape. Thanks for the feedback, but not sure if there's much I can do about it. Unless I want to kill the brother of course.

Trixareforkids said:

I disagree that you can't change the plot, subtle changes can make big improvements. And yes on fleshing out the characters more.

As to warning people, I think you will find there to be more of a problem with rape than incest.

It might help the plot/disbelief issue if the slutty bitchy sister egged him on and it was clear that she was only putting up a token struggle. Obviously that's just suggestive and comes from my distaste for rape.

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Yes you are right. I can make changes to how the scenes play out and what they are saying, but I can't change too much without it turning into another story completely. Each scene can be improved and some of them can be improved more than others.

Of course the warning would be about the rape part. I don't expect people who read stories in the incest category would be turned off by the incest part.

Readers should be compelled to read BLOOD MERIDIAN by Cormac McCarthy before theyre allowed to score or comment on any story. Dead babies and shooting puppies are a few of its charms; the book is a masterpiece of evil. Plenty of literary critics say it takes a few tries to read to the end.

But the fare at LIT is tame compared to most venues.

Readers? OK, rape is icky, so what? Murder is icky, and its everywhere. No problem you say. People are now branded RACIST if they dislike Mexican cuisine. I don't get why imbecile readers cant simply back away from what they dislike, and leave the comments for stouter, braver souls.

Readers looking for Romance themes should have to read the McCarthy book first? Do you have any idea, James, how stupid that sounds?

MausAss said:

If you got specific examples it would be great. Examples are always great; it makes it easier to see what you mean.

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Ok, so I took the above as a quick writing challenge. Here's what I would do to make the transition from finding out he'd been had to the struggle part to make it more believable. Starting from right after he overhears Lisa on the phone.

Mark felt like a complete idiot. He should have known Sarah was just setting him up so she could get a piece of her own.

With that in mind he ditched Lisa. He saw her waving at him as he drove off. She could yell at his sister later after he got his turn. Being made a fool of pissed him off. She'd gone too far and now he was looking for a little revenge. If he wasn't getting any neither was she. He just hoped he made it home in time to spoil her fun.

He saw a strange car in the driveway and when he quietly opened the door he heard them in the living room. "Oh god, I've waited so long. I can't wait to have your cock in me." What a slut he thought. Well he was about to ruin her good time.

He strode into the living room and saw some guy on his knees preparing to give her what she asked for. He walked right up and knocked the guy over with a good foot shove. "Get your clothes and get the fuck out. Party's over."

He hadn't realized how incredibly pissed off he was. Seeing his sister splayed and ready, and her fuck buddy about to get what he had been denied made him shout at the guy again. "I said, get the fuck out."

Sarah must have been really horny because she wasn't looking at him at all just her fuck buddy as she half cried, "Fuck, don't go. Ignore him."

"No way girl. I'm outta here." The guy scooped up his clothes and fled naked out the front door.

"Shit." Sarah finally looked up at him from her splayed position on the floor. "What the hell did you do that for?"

Was she fucking kidding? "Well sister dear, if I'm not getting any neither are you. Too bad for you your pretty friend was too dumb to make sure I couldn't overhear her telling her real date that she was just going to string me along long enough for you to get laid."

"Dumb bitch." Finally realizing or caring that she was still naked, Sarah sat up and made an attempt to cover herself with her arms.

"Oh why bother now? I just got a full view of all your goodies. You are such a slut Sarah. I mean I guess I knew that but I never knew you were cruel as well. Why don't you take your wet pussy and go find something to shove in it. I'm going to take a shower and calm down."

He started to walk away but stopped and turned around when she sneered out "Wank you mean."

"Sneer all you like little sis. If you weren't such an asshole we'd both be happily getting some."

"Well if you hadn't interrupted you could have wanked to a live show. I saw you checking out my legs last week you perv."

"I'm the perv? You were all set to get yours while sending me on a wild goose chase. That's perverted if you ask me. You may be hot but I don't know how guys get past your being such a bitch."

"So you think I'm hot." She dropped her arms from her chest as she said it.

Mark couldn't believe her. Just telling her she was hot she shows her tits and goes all sexy voice. She really was one fucked up bitch. "Jesus Sarah, are you really that fucking slutty? All it takes is for a guy, even your own brother to tell you you're hot?"

"Please! You know you wanted a look. I can see the stiffy in your pants you know. I'll bet you really with you'd watched the show now. Go want in the shower while you think about me perv."

Mark was really pissed now. Where the hell did she get off? "You're such a bitch Sarah. You better thank your lucky stars you are my sister."

She laughed at him. "Or what? You'd fuck me? You don't have the balls or you'd have gotten laid by now. Brother dear."


From there her pathetic struggles would make more sense, and the dialog would only need to change a little. It's still rape if she says no, no matter how slutty she is, but it would set up her token resistance better.

Transition example...

MausAss said:

If you got specific examples it would be great. Examples are always great; it makes it easier to see what you mean.

Click to expand...

Ok, so I took the above as a quick writing challenge. Here's what I would do to make the transition from finding out he'd been had to the struggle part to make it more believable. Starting from right after he overhears Lisa on the phone.

Mark felt like a complete idiot. He should have known Sarah was just setting him up so she could get a piece of her own.

With that in mind he ditched Lisa. He saw her waving at him as he drove off. She could yell at his sister later after he got his turn. Being made a fool of pissed him off. She'd gone too far and now he was looking for a little revenge. If he wasn't getting any neither was she. He just hoped he made it home in time to spoil her fun.

He saw a strange car in the driveway and when he quietly opened the door he heard them in the living room. "Oh god, I've waited so long. I can't wait to have your cock in me." What a slut he thought. Well he was about to ruin her good time.

He strode into the living room and saw some guy on his knees preparing to give her what she asked for. He walked right up and knocked the guy over with a good foot shove. "Get your clothes and get the fuck out. Party's over."

He hadn't realized how incredibly pissed off he was. Seeing his sister splayed and ready, and her fuck buddy about to get what he had been denied made him shout at the guy again. "I said, get the fuck out."

Sarah must have been really horny because she wasn't looking at him at all just her fuck buddy as she half cried, "Fuck, don't go. Ignore him."

"No way girl. I'm outta here." The guy scooped up his clothes and fled naked out the front door.

"Shit." Sarah finally looked up at him from her splayed position on the floor. "What the hell did you do that for?"

Was she fucking kidding? "Well sister dear, if I'm not getting any neither are you. Too bad for you your pretty friend was too dumb to make sure I couldn't overhear her telling her real date that she was just going to string me along long enough for you to get laid."

"Dumb bitch." Finally realizing or caring that she was still naked, Sarah sat up and made an attempt to cover herself with her arms.

"Oh why bother now? I just got a full view of all your goodies. You are such a slut Sarah. I mean I guess I knew that but I never knew you were cruel as well. Why don't you take your wet pussy and go find something to shove in it. I'm going to take a shower and calm down."

He started to walk away but stopped and turned around when she sneered out "Wank you mean."

"Sneer all you like little sis. If you weren't such an asshole we'd both be happily getting some."

"Well if you hadn't interrupted you could have wanked to a live show. I saw you checking out my legs last week you perv."

"I'm the perv? You were all set to get yours while sending me on a wild goose chase. That's perverted if you ask me. You may be hot but I don't know how guys get past your being such a bitch."

"So you think I'm hot." She dropped her arms from her chest as she said it.

Mark couldn't believe her. Just telling her she was hot she shows her tits and goes all sexy voice. She really was one fucked up bitch. "Jesus Sarah, are you really that fucking slutty? All it takes is for a guy, even your own brother to tell you you're hot?"

"Please! You know you wanted a look. I can see the stiffy in your pants you know. I'll bet you really wish you'd watched the show now. Go wank in the shower while you think about me perv."

Mark was really pissed now. Where the hell did she get off? "You're such a bitch Sarah. You better thank your lucky stars you are my sister."

She laughed at him. "Or what? You'd fuck me? You don't have the balls or you'd have gotten laid by now. Brother dear."


From there her pathetic struggles would make more sense, and the dialog would only need to change a little. It's still rape if she says no, no matter how slutty she is, but it would set up her token resistance better.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Readers? OK, rape is icky, so what? I don't get why imbecile readers cant simply back away from what they dislike, and leave the comments for stouter, braver souls.

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Just because a person is not into violence (I don't read horror or gory murder mysteries either) doesn't mean they can't give a decent critique of the story. In cases like this where MausAss is looking for feedback on the writing it may actually be better. Someone who's into it may overlook the drag of the pacing if they're excited by the story line. I'm not even suggesting that the rape be removed but I do feel that if it's going to be there it should at least be believable. A fit 18 year old would put up more than token resistance to being raped by their brother, especially IMO as the beginning of the story showed that they'd had a normal relationship up until a couple of years previously. Just going to her being ready for some to putting up token resistance to her brother isn't believable without something more to show where she's coming from. A hot guy she kinda knew, maybe, her dorky brother, not so much.

And if you're a braver soul, take up the challenge and give an example like MausAss asked for.

Trixareforkids said:

...From there her pathetic struggles would make more sense, and the dialog would only need to change a little. It's still rape if she says no, no matter how slutty she is, but it would set up her token resistance better.

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There are some parts of what you wrote that I liked. Some of the internal dialogue that was missing in my story. I agree that I probably need to rewrite this scene, so her resistance makes more sense but I'm not sure if this is the way I want to go.

I felt like most of your changes came from your distaste for the non-consent part. In your version her behavior become less believable I think. She could sleep with any guy why would she do it with her brother? She could tease him more however. I agree with that.

I do however not want to change the overall theme of the last scene. I understand your critique of it, but I think it has more to do with disliking the non-consent part. I do not want to change that. I want to write it better.

Trixareforkids said:

Just because a person is not into violence (I don't read horror or gory murder mysteries either) doesn't mean they can't give a decent critique of the story. In cases like this where MausAss is looking for feedback on the writing it may actually be better. Someone who's into it may overlook the drag of the pacing if they're excited by the story line. I'm not even suggesting that the rape be removed but I do feel that if it's going to be there it should at least be believable. A fit 18 year old would put up more than token resistance to being raped by their brother, especially IMO as the beginning of the story showed that they'd had a normal relationship up until a couple of years previously. Just going to her being ready for some to putting up token resistance to her brother isn't believable without something more to show where she's coming from. A hot guy she kinda knew, maybe, her dorky brother, not so much.

And if you're a braver soul, take up the challenge and give an example like MausAss asked for.

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You scare me so much I almost peed my pants.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

You scare me so much I almost peed my pants.

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LOL, I love a good cheeky reply.

MausAss said:

There are some parts of what you wrote that I liked. Some of the internal dialogue that was missing in my story. I agree that I probably need to rewrite this scene, so her resistance makes more sense but I'm not sure if this is the way I want to go.

I felt like most of your changes came from your distaste for the non-consent part. In your version her behavior become less believable I think. She could sleep with any guy why would she do it with her brother? She could tease him more however. I agree with that.

I do however not want to change the overall theme of the last scene. I understand your critique of it, but I think it has more to do with disliking the non-consent part. I do not want to change that. I want to write it better.

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It was a good exercise. If there's any bits of it you can use feel free. Any advice or examples you get here are to be taken or left as you feel they work for you, no hard feelings. What works for one person leaves another flat. Although your story line isn't my thing if you work a bit more on the dialog, thinning out the unnecessary words and that transition you'll have a good story. It still won't be my thing though

Trixareforkids said:

It was a good exercise. If there's any bits of it you can use feel free. Any advice or examples you get here are to be taken or left as you feel they work for you, no hard feelings. What works for one person leaves another flat. Although your story line isn't my thing if you work a bit more on the dialog, thinning out the unnecessary words and that transition you'll have a good story. It still won't be my thing though

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I appreciate it.

I'm not trying to appeal those who feel repulsed by incest and non-consent. If I did I would've written another story.

I submitted an updated version today, basically just a warning and changing the opening scene to what stlgoddessfreya suggested. I also fixed some minor errors that I spotted and one that I got from the comment section.

I will try to make a bigger overhaul this weekend. Thanks again everyone one who provided feedback. I really appreciate it.

MausAss said:

I appreciate it.

I'm not trying to appeal those who feel repulsed by incest and non-consent. If I did I would've written another story.

I submitted an updated version today, basically just a warning and changing the opening scene to what stlgoddessfreya suggested. I also fixed some minor errors that I spotted and one that I got from the comment section.

I will try to make a bigger overhaul this weekend. Thanks again everyone one who provided feedback. I really appreciate it.

Click to expand...

I'd seriously consider putting in in the noncon category - it is after all, a rape story first and foremost.

Should have gone in non consent reluctance.

To back my point up your 3.88(at least that is what's showing on your page to us, you have a more up to date score on your page) is very low for an incest story.

Incest is a category that votes a little "soft" give them their taboo kink we are usually happy. What incest readers really want with their kink is for it to not just be about the kink itself, but they enjoy it being naughty playful fun and sometimes even romantic, but mostly fantasy fun and a good time had by all.

Your rape story(and the sister cumming does not get you off the hook it was a rape story and the idea a woman cums during rape is as reliable in porn as every guy having 10") brings the fantasy level down and in all honesty reminds us who have a "fantasy incest" kink what incest is in real life and that is generally rape and abuse.

If you were looking for "realistic" you hit it. If you wanted to appeal to readers then this thing should have been put in non consent where it belongs.

I'll give you credit though, in the brother you created one of the most memorable d-bag characters I've read in that category

Bert_Fegg said:

I'd seriously consider putting in in the noncon category - it is after all, a rape story first and foremost.

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I'm not sure if the incest trumps the non-con, but he could ask Laurel. Likely there will be people displeased with it in either category, but them's the breaks.