Popping Kari's Anal Cherry Critique

Hi everyone.
Thanks to everyone that took to time to read this story.
It's an odd duck for sure. Several of you liked it enough to "favorite" it, but the public comments have been scathing. The score stands sub 2.5; however, it is my most widely read submission with more than 28000 views. A real mixed response.

I had intended this to be a highly explicit humorous story in "open texture" allowing the reader to fill in the blank spaces with his/her imagination. Repetition was used for humor and the dialogue was similar to script writing for a fast read.

So, what did you like and what did you not like? Please be specific and give examples.

Such requests receive far more response if you give a link:

http://www.literotica.com/s/popping-karis-anal-cherry

Oops!
Thank you for the assist.

Odd duck critique

bbtp41 said:

Hi everyone.
Thanks to everyone that took to time to read this story.
It's an odd duck for sure. Several of you liked it enough to "favorite" it, but the public comments have been scathing. The score stands sub 2.5; however, it is my most widely read submission with more than 28000 views. A real mixed response.

I had intended this to be a highly explicit humorous story in "open texture" allowing the reader to fill in the blank spaces with his/her imagination. Repetition was used for humor and the dialogue was similar to script writing for a fast read.

So, what did you like and what did you not like? Please be specific and give examples.

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What did I like best?
The Title. To the point, clear communication. Probably what drove the high view count for you.
The lack of details. I like having the opportunity to fill it in with my imagination.
Using almost all dialogue to tell the tale.

What fell short?
The humor. You say humor was intended by the repetition, but I didn't get it. Instead, use of "she parroted" came across to me as redundant.
The dialogue. You put it front and center but it doesn't ring true. Dialogue is tough; it helps to read it out loud and listen. Does this sound like someone would talk? Does any woman refer to her breasts as "my 36Cs"? She may refer to several of her bras that way, but not her breasts. Especially when that is one of the few details in the whole story, it came across as awkward to me.
The characters: the guys have names and one likes anal. We don't learn much else about them. The girl wants to save her virginity for marriage, offers her anal virginity to her boyfriend though her fantasy is to lose it to a stranger. Most people saving their virginity for marriage tend to not have their first anal sex with strangers bent over a car on a public street. It doesn't need to be much, but some motivation for her choices would help make this a story.
I hope this helps. Obviously, these are simply my opinions and observations. Keep writing!

Jokes are supposed to be funny

Thank you for the thoughts.
I intentionally wrote this in a non-realistic fashion; something that many have found fault with. Which reminds me: first rule of writing, "remember who your audience is and what they like."
Oh well.

First thing I noticed was the random capitalisation, that put me off. Your punctuation needs work, e.g.

"That's tough. Where you going to find a guy to bang your eighteen year old ass," Javier says while sizing Kari up?

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The 36Cs was yuck. Any story which gives bra size usually puts me off. However, the repetition did get mildly humorous.
(Btw, 36C isn't very big at all. Barely a small handful. No one I know would boast about a C cup. )

Your/you're confusion

Tense confusion - choose one or the other.

As someone else commented, the motivation was muddy.

Headhopping - do you need to choose one person's pov? Not going to read it again but you need to avoid saying how different people are feeling.

The street speak seemed to come and go too - if you use it, you need to be consistent.

Tighten all the above up and you might have a nice little vignette.

Remembering Edison

Thanks to everyone for their insights.
I now know one way not to write a story.
I liked it and enjoyed writing it. That doesn't guarantee success though. Kari clearly has flaws and I find that it is time to withdraw it. I will remove it within the week.
Several people favored this submission and I had hoped to hear some feedback from them to gage what worked a little better. Hopefully I will see something from them before taking it down.
Whatever the response, positive or negative, this story stirred an emotional response in the reader, at least on the negative side. I hope to be able to continue that impact in a more satisfactory way in future stories.
Kari may get reworked and see new life at a later date. I don't know.
On a personal note; thanks to sr71plt for helping a rookie out (did you really fly sr71's; how cool is that?), Kethandra provided insightful commentary and encouragement. You are a very good writer and I would like to know where you have published before. I am honored that you took the time to read my story., redzinger, you are concise and to the point.
Thanks to everyone and good reading.

You needn't delete the original. I hate removing stories because I value the comments and faves. Keep the original Kari but definitely rewrite it, and submit the rewrite as KARI TAKE 2 or something. You may find that readers appreciate your rewrite, and reward you for it.

Giving respect

Thank you for the kind thought, Hypoxia.
I checked out your profile and I saw that you have two stories that have performed about the same, so I know you have the same feeling about this. It's painful to put something out there and then not have it liked.
It's just I hate to be responsible for a bad reading experience. I take that responsibility seriously and I don't want to knowingly waste any reader's time. Plus, this may negatively impact someone's willingness to read more of my submissions. That's probably a weak argument b/c it clearly hasn't affected your readership.
I'll think about it though.

Sorry, it's just too cutesy for me. And I expected the boob and dick standard officials to jump out with their measuring devices at any second. "you ma'a are disqualifies because you are only thrity-five and three quarters. And you, sir, you call that a dick? Disqualified for being one egth short of the national average."

You keep skipping a line or two of dialogue.

"Hiya back, Kari. I heard that you and Stan broke-up?"

"Me and Stan Broke-up, alright," Kari parroted back. "We were fooling around after my eighteenth B'day party and wouldn't give me the present that I wanted."

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Err, so they know each other really well or she is forcing a conversation about anal sex. Unfortunately there is no evidence it is either, it is you as the author making things happen too quickly. You can disagree with me and you would be right, it is subtle problem, But almost every line of dialogue is like this. You are forcing every conversation to its planned destination. A few lines later you have:

"See what I mean. No one wants my anal cherry," she cried.

"Look, I know a guy. I hear he is really into a lot of ass. I can introduce you to him if you want?"

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She is complaining that no man is interested in anal sex, he ignores her and gives her a prepared plan for an entirely different question. You could dismiss each line as a minor infraction, but every line is like this. My suggestion: develop your characters. What would your characters say? Let your characters dictate what they want and do, maybe they will surprise you. This is your biggest problem: rushing action and descriptions.

Your second biggest problem is the tension: where is it?

"Hiya, Javier," said Kari.
"Hiya, Kari"
"I want to lose my anal cherry, annnnnnnaaaaal cherry, anal cherry."
"That's great Kari, let's do it."
"Wow, that was easy. I just lost my anal cherry," said Kari.
"Kari, your hair is light brown and is approximately 76cm long."
"I love you."

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Yawn. Sorry for parodying you, but do you see how shallow my parody is? 1st, it's not funny because you don't develop a plot, and 2nd, there is no tension, 3rd Measurements, no thanks. The biggest problem is the lack of resistance to your story goal. Things happen for no reason, and for this reason nobody cares. Next time throw as many roadblocks to your character's goal as possible. Try and solve them later only when you must.

LOL
That is a great criticism. I'm still giggling as I write this. You are absolutely right. AN very funny, too.
Really!
I simply never saw that as I proofed and rewrote. Normally I spend too much time trying to make every step logical and inevitable until I'm creeping at a snail's pace, bogging down the flow and getting lost on rabbit trails.

bbtp41 said:

LOL
Normally I spend too much time trying to make every step logical and inevitable until I'm creeping at a snail's pace, bogging down the flow and getting lost on rabbit trails.

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You did the opposite which is worse than over explanation. People like Tolkien take pleasure in those excessive details.

*Google "text telescopic expander". There are a few short websites that show how an author can expand a sentence into an entire page.

bbtp41 said:

So, what did you like and what did you not like? Please be specific and give examples.

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I like the idea of a story driven almost entirely by dialogue. It's a little bit experimental, and especially well-suited to erotica. If you don't object, I might borrow that idea sometime in the future

My biggest criticism is that Kari goes from virgin to whore in mere seconds without much effort from the others to seduce her. All stories, erotic or not, are driven by conflict. It doesn't need to be a literal struggle , but I think there should be something that the characters need to overcome in order to gain sexual fulfillment.

Keep plugging away!

I saw that it was supposed to be humorous, but I found it only odd.

It's a good idea that needs some work.

It doesn't read like a short story because it is all dialog with no details concerning setting, character development or attitudes. Can't be a script because there are no instructions for characters follow or clues to setting.

The dialog seems stiff. When we talk we seldom repeat the same ideas the same way. Repeated references to popping the female's anal cherry lose impact after the first time. You might give some thought to saying it in a different manner each time the idea is presented, especially when someone else says it. Phrases such as, "first time for a dick in your ass" or "didn't know a cock in her ass could feel so big", etc, can give it some variety. Also, a vague reference to something as traumatic as having your little brown nether muscle violated for the first time gives the reader a chance to use his/her mind to call up a mental image they are more comfortable seeing.

Same with "36 c's" - how about "big tits" "nice breasts" "warm pillows of flesh" and other phrases that pique a reader's interest? Say it once then say it differently the next time.

Something Miss Kerstetter, an English teacher whose class I suffered through, told us was, "A writer tells a story. If he has to explain what he wrote, he's not telling a story."

Who did you write this for? Who is your audience? What does the one person you want to read and enjoy this look like and how would they react to the plot? Answering those question, then writing for your audience might increase your score.

Again, good idea. Good luck with your project.

You people are crazy! This story is wonderful! I'm assuming the stilted stylized dialogue, with the repetition and the odd structure, is a deliberate style choice. It reminds me of Damon Runyon. If you were going for humor and a surreal, otherworldly feel, you hit the nail on the head.

On the other hand, if you were going for realism, you missed by a mile. But I like it just the way it is.

Runyon is my present tense hero.

I can't say I was actively thinking Runyon when I wrote this but that is indeed the effect I was aiming for. Not a common style currently and ill suited for erotic narrative as it turns out. I am glad to hear from someone that saw the warts as strengths, though.

Very few playwrights include stage direction in the script unless absolutely essential to the plot. Stage directions are from the first production; not from the author.

I have learned that whereas dialogue lends immediacy to the account it is the details that readers of erotica crave. For this reason "Kari" doesn't work very well.

Just a thought: the responses are almost like readers wanted desperately to get to know and invest in the life of the characters that extends beyond the narrative moment and are put off by the caricature that they are.