Becoming a nicer person

I need help becoming a nicer person. Don't know what has happened to me. Don't know if it is the people I am meeting or just me. Most of them are just looking for a way to take advantage or another person.
What happened to the nice people? Or is it that the people are nice and I am just an asshole?

possum123 said:

I need help becoming a nicer person. Don't know what has happened to me. Don't know if it is the people I am meeting or just me. Most of them are just looking for a way to take advantage or another person.
What happened to the nice people? Or is it that the people are nice and I am just an asshole?

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As we grow older we harden our hearts.

This is a self-protective action or condition depending on how one looks at it.

We just don't seem to have the will to put up with very much bullshit anymore.

Sure protect yourself but if it's not cost you anything neither money or emotion make it a habit to be nice as possible.

It's not you; it's them.

Courtesy and manners are on intensive care. The vast majority of people don't give a second's thought to how their actions might affect others. The fact that you question yourself means you are not one of them.

I think the nice people are staggered by how rude most people have become.

Loud assholes are more obvious than quiet decent folks. Blatant gains notice whilst modest is overlooked. Are you blatant? Then you might be a buttwipe too. I sure am, when I try.

I used to get excited. I wore a lapel pin: HIGH ON STRESS. A few cardiac incidents taught me to relax. When I was excited I tended to run over people, metaphorically. That was not nice. Now I am calm. How? By not giving a flying fuck. No need for stress. If somebody is an asshole, that's their problem, and my only problem is avoiding them. Thus I become a nicer person. I've not murdered anyone lately. No stress. See, it works!

Kindness comes from within us, but we can nurture it. A kind person is generous, loving, and giving out of the goodness of their heart. Kindness is born in our ability to care. This is not the same thing as being nice. People often mistake the ability to make pleasant conversation with being kind. Asking "how was your day?" is being nice. Bringing a hot meal to someone who needs one, without an ulterior motive, is being kind.

I am fond of telling my kids that if they ever want to be good at something, then there is no substitute for practice. Mother Theresa was kind by nature. Most of us aren't born that way, and have to work at it. If kindness is not second nature to you, then you can still choose to be kind.

Compassion is a cornerstone of kindness. As we grow as individuals, we can practice compassion. You can make a concerted effort to pay attention to the people around you, their circumstances, and begin to think about how your actions, no matter how small, can have a positive influence on their lives.

To be sure, you can begin with being nice. Ask the cashier at the store how his/her day is going, and listen to the answer. Open doors for people, and say "hi" as they pass you. As you gain some self confidence you can begin to nurture your compassion. Think about what it feels like to be in pain, alone, heartbroken, or afraid. Then think of some little thing that you can do help.

I'm not talking about random acts of kindness, but deliberate and thoughtful acts of kindness. From there you can graduate to the world around you. Looking a homeless person in the eye and acknowledging them as a person gives them dignity. Casually handing them a dollar while trying not to meet their eyes does not.

Good luck. It's a worthwhile road to walk.

I'm 66 years old and never met a nice person. I suspect the Pope stuffs spoons in his pockets when he visits the White House.

I agree with three things that have been shared:
Practice compassion
Nurture empathy
Learn to de-stress

I have not experienced where bitterness, or becoming hard hearted, is a process of aging. If anything, I've encountered people who have learned to not sweat the small stuff. I do think that it's most difficult during that time when we're pulled between an older generation that we worry about and a younger generation who still needs us more than we may have planned.

Oh.. and take it from anyone who works in healthcare..
you can only control how nice you are. your acts of kindness do not promise a kind response.. judge how nice you are by your own heart.

FGB said:

As we grow older we harden our hearts.

This is a self-protective action or condition depending on how one looks at it.

We just don't seem to have the will to put up with very much bullshit anymore.

Sure protect yourself but if it's not cost you anything neither money or emotion make it a habit to be nice as possible.

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Great post....so true.

For me this self protective action was in place in my early teens for various reasons so I have always had a "hard heart"

What I try to do is take a few seconds to think before I reply to anything, give just enough time for my mind to spit out what will be a knee jerk asshat statement then to formulate one that is at least polite.

I believe in the psychic vampire theory and we live in a world with more of those than ever

My basic response to anyone around me is "Listen, I don't have anything for you, move along."

I've learned that you cannot control how an other person acts, you can only control yourself and your own responses, BUT how you act CAN heavily influence the other person.

Case in point, I work with the public and in instances they can get upset and so on. I had laryngitis one day and had to whisper. Surprisingly, most people whispered back when talking to me, even though we'd dealt with each other frequently and they knew in that setting that they had no need to whisper in return. I think it's an instinctive reaction to mimic or get your cues from the other person. So this example reinforced for me the need to remain calm and polite even if someone is upset before me. Instead of letting their jumped up emotions affect how I react, I try to let my calm, polite demeanor affect how *they* react. And it does work. If you get upset in return, it turns into a vicious cycle of emotions that stoke that fire and no one will walk away from that situation calm. Stay calm and polite and you have a chance of influencing that other person to calm down and think more rationally. If you have a knee-jerk defensive reaction when dealing with people, you may be triggering the same in return, so yeah, you may be feeling like you're dealing with more assholes than the norm.

That said, this doesn't mean that you become a doormat. You can be calm and polite while being firm. I think Lovecraft has an important point about psychic vampires. These are the people who feed on negativity, drama, complain all the time and the list goes on. About 10 mins in their presence and you feel tired. I try to avoid those persons, life is too short to waste on them.

GiggLeGasm said:

I agree with three things that have been shared:
Practice compassion
Nurture empathy
Learn to de-stress

I have not experienced where bitterness, or becoming hard hearted, is a process of aging. If anything, I've encountered people who have learned to not sweat the small stuff. I do think that it's most difficult during that time when we're pulled between an older generation that we worry about and a younger generation who still needs us more than we may have planned.

Oh.. and take it from anyone who works in healthcare..
you can only control how nice you are. your acts of kindness do not promise a kind response.. judge how nice you are by your own heart.

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You learned nothing from the Holocaust. An ancient professor of mine told us most people want nothing more from life than a chance to turn us in to the police. Its true.

The nice person doesn't think youre worth the bother of betrayal.

Repeat after me: "Serenity NOW!!!"

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

You learned nothing from the Holocaust. An ancient professor of mine told us most people want nothing more from life than a chance to turn us in to the police. Its true.

The nice person doesn't think youre worth the bother of betrayal.

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thank you for becoming the case in point. It's nice of you to risk negative public opinion merely to highlight my opinion, which I am certain is different than your own.

It doesn't matter to me if others respond in kind. It only matters to me if I am a nice person. Being nice for the purpose of an expected response can appear insincere. I believe that people who are authentically nice are more likely to set others at ease, ultimately making an interaction more tolerable.

GiggLeGasm said:

It doesn't matter to me if others respond in kind. It only matters to me if I am a nice person. Being nice for the purpose of an expected response can appear insincere. I believe that people who are authentically nice are more likely to set others at ease, ultimately making an interaction more tolerable.

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So true, all that matters to me, in the end, is that I like who I see in the mirror, and for that, I'm nice to people.

possum, why do you want to be a nicer person? answering that question should tell you how to proceed, it would seem to me.

ed

GiggLeGasm said:

thank you for becoming the case in point. It's nice of you to risk negative public opinion merely to highlight my opinion, which I am certain is different than your own.

It doesn't matter to me if others respond in kind. It only matters to me if I am a nice person. Being nice for the purpose of an expected response can appear insincere. I believe that people who are authentically nice are more likely to set others at ease, ultimately making an interaction more tolerable.

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I never lose sleep over opinions of me, I do as I think right and damn numskull opinions.

Fuck nice. I'd rather act right, and we can act right in spite of how much we esteem or fear others. My mother went to an early grave because our family opted for nice instead of right. So, yes, you and I differ, and I thank God for it.

simplegirl said:

So true, all that matters to me, in the end, is that I like who I see in the mirror, and for that, I'm nice to people.

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Youre dangerous.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

I never lose sleep over opinions of me, I do as I think right and damn numskull opinions.

Fuck nice. I'd rather act right, and we can act right in spite of how much we esteem or fear others. My mother went to an early grave because our family opted for nice instead of right. So, yes, you and I differ, and I thank God for it.

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Yes, nice can get in the way of good.
When it is more important to be nice, than telling people an important truth or standing up when someone is wronged, bad things happen.

On the other hand it doesn't hurt to say I'm sorry if you accidentally step on someones toes and it's not always necessary to go full bull in chinashop to get a point across.

IrisAlthea said:

Yes, nice can get in the way of good.
When it is more important to be nice, than telling people an important truth or standing up when someone is wronged, bad things happen.

On the other hand it doesn't hurt to say I'm sorry if you accidentally step on someones toes and it's not always necessary to go full bull in chinashop to get a point across.

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If you collided with me on the street you'd never believe I'm JAMESBJOHNSON, the bane of LITEROTICA, because I'm so damned sweet and pleasant and hospitable. And being a sweetie pie is a curse. People think PATSY. So I hadda learn to be an asshole. No one gets a piece of my ass for free.

Here's an example of me doing RIGHT vs being NICE.

My grandfather died in 1984. He owned a 1974 Pontiac, my grandmother didn't drive. The car was worth around $1000. I paid my grandmother $2000 for the car and let my oldest daughter (16 at the time) drive it. My other relatives went nuts cuz they wanted the car, and expected to pay my grandmother $1000. Helping my granny fucked them, in their minds. My old granny used the extra money to buy new washer and dryer.

simplegirl said:

So true, all that matters to me, in the end, is that I like who I see in the mirror, and for that, I'm nice to people.

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This is so true. Thank you for sharing this.