COVID-19 RESOURCES
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Humor Thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
Handley_Page said:
Tactics & Strategy are curious things on a Cricket pitch.

In a 'Test Match' it is as Ogg has described, but there are variations; 20/20 (twenty overs each way, highest score wins), for example.
Click to expand...

After all this, though, I suspect that cricket is just an excuse for a bunch of men to play with each other for a couple of days.
 
If you think this inning-thing is strange in cricket, wait until you learn that two teams use to play 'for the ashes', and its meant literal :)
 
Tarakin said:
If you think this inning-thing is strange in cricket, wait until you learn that two teams use to play 'for the ashes', and its meant literal :)
Click to expand...

England and Australia still play for "The Ashes" - a very small container with the ashes of a bail from the wicket after Australia beat England on English soil - in 1882.

In 1932/3 the Bodyline Series nearly caused a diplomatic rift between the UK and Australia.
 
oggbashan said:
England and Australia still play for "The Ashes" - a very small container with the ashes of a bail from the wicket after Australia beat England on English soil - in 1882.

In 1932/3 the Bodyline Series nearly caused a diplomatic rift between the UK and Australia.
Click to expand...

"The Ashes" is a little wooden trophy about 4 inches high.
And it is probably the most important International sporting event.

It might even be said to equal the 6-Nations Rugby series.
 
Handley_Page said:
"The Ashes" is a little wooden trophy about 4 inches high.
And it is probably the most important International sporting event.

It might even be said to equal the 6-Nations Rugby series.
Click to expand...

There are similar trophies that are the symbols of the rivalries of some US college football teams. "The Axe" is handed back and forth between Cal and Stanford. Ditto for "the Little Brown Jug" between Mich and Minn, "Paul Bunyan's Axe" between WI and Minn, "The Olde Oaken Bucket" between Indiana and Purdue and many more that I don't know about or can't remember. :) It's just part of the sports scene in the USA.
 
Subject to Approval

An item on craigslist: "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she’s home, $100."


Proper Lighting

Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights."


Squeaky Wheel

The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That’s okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."
 


What's an antonym for undies ?




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓




↓​






Ovaries, of course !!



 
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads, "Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your friggin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."
 
An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing."

The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."
 
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he has only a day to live. He goes home to tell his wife, who asks what he wants to do with his final hours. Of course he wants to spend them having sex. They have great sex all night long. Finally, at about 2:00 A.M., his wife says she's tired and wants to go to sleep.

He says, "Oh, come on, can't we just do it one more time?"

And she says, "Look, I've got to get up in the morning — you don't!"
 
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the hood of their car. The one nun says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out the window and shouts, "Get off our f--ing car!"
 
A guy and a girl are in the backseat of his car having sex. The guy says to the girl, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."

The girl replies, "Hell, if I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
 
A couple who been living together for nearly twenty years were lying in bed after making love.

The man wrapped his arms around his partner and said, "You know, I've been thinking that maybe we should get married."

"That's not a bad idea," replied his bedmate, " but who'd have us?"
 
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad: "Hmm. You are my son, and of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.
 
THOUGHTFUL THOUGHTS.....

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" --Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --
Jon Stewart
 
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.


Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.


Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!


What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
 
This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
 
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Let's play a game. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, so long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and, one at a time, lays three 100-dollar bills on the bar and says slowly, "Paint ... my ... house."
 
A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."
 
A tourist couple driving through La Jolla start arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town. So they stop for lunch, and while they're ordering, they ask the cashier, "Can you tell us where we are? How do you pronounce it?" The employee replies, speaking slowly, "Burrrr-gerrrrr Kiiiiiiiing."
 
An old married couple had four boys. The older three had red hair and light skin, the youngest had black hair and dark eyes. On his deathbed, the father turned to his wife and said, "Honey, be honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything holy, he is your son." Then he passed away. The wife then said, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your penis?" And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."
 
This old lady is feeling kind of lonely, so she says, "You know what? I'm going to pick up some guys." She takes off all her clothes, puts a trench coat on, and walks into a bar. She sees three young guys drinking.

She walks up to the first, opens her trench coat, and says, "Super sex!" He screams, "Oh, my God, that's disgusting!" and runs away.

She walks up to the second guy, opens her trench coat, and says, "Super sex!" He runs to the bathroom to throw up.

She approaches the third guy, opens her trench coat, and says, "Super sex!" He looks her up and down and says, "I'll have the soup."
 
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

JaxonHill
Reviewing your Stories with a Bottle of Wine
Replies
19
Views
396
JaxonHill
JaxonHill
M_K_Babalon
Trying To Think Where To Put This Story
Replies
6
Views
122
M_K_Babalon
M_K_Babalon
Wifetheif
A Picture Paints a thousand words
Replies
9
Views
198
TadOverdon
TadOverdon
Rob_Royale
An apology to Dean Koontz
Replies
19
Views
412
StillStunned
StillStunned
EmilyMiller
The tyranny of category
2
Replies
40
Views
877
Duleigh
Duleigh
Back
Top