Tell a Joke

Midnight Surprise!

A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work.

The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Exrta Long Division

Out of the blue, an accountant decided to leave his wife.

He left her a note saying: "Dear Diane, I am 54 years old and have never done anything wild in my life. But know I am leaving you for a stunning 18-year-old sexy model. We will be staying at Sheraton."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a message waiting from his wife.

It read: "Dear Clive, I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hilton with an 18-year-old Italian hunk. And I am sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes in to 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18..."

Vaseline Research Survey!

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

He asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."

B.j.

A friend caught me the other day with this.
Freind asks " Do you remember your first blow job?"
I think back to highschool, start to smile as I recall the time.
I reply " why yes I do." rather smugly.
Before I can say another word he asks me " What did it taste like?"

DOH.

Bump this thread

Bump

Bingo

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes'. The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

not sure if the oldest joke ever,

but its one i know: "where does the three legged horse live??"
....

in the unstable...

My wife brought me some magazines she'd found in our teen-aged boy's bedroom. It was pretty intense, with lots of whips and chains and leather, and she asked me 'What do you think we ought to do?'

I said 'I don't know - but I don't think we ought to spank him!'

Not exactly

a joke but funny none the less.

Don't take your wiener out in the snow!

Two smoking hawt bisexual woman walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

and a small wee bump !!!

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, wearing only saran wrap.
The doctor say's "clearly, I can see your nuts"

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

A man walks into a bar and spots a large jar filled to the brim with cold, hard cash, naturally he's very interested and calls the bartender over to ask him about it.

The bartender tells him that the jar of cash can only be won by paying customers, so the man buys a double whiskey from the bar.

The bartender puts the cash in the register and explains that he must complete three tasks and the money will be his, the first task being "knocking out the first man the bartender chooses" and he points out the huge bouncer standing outside a club across the street, the man asks for another double whisky.

The second task is to pull out the rotten tooth of the dog that lives behind the bar, the man asks what kind of dog it is and the bartender tells him its a rottweiler, the man asks for another double whisky and gulps it down in one.

The bartender tells the man that the final task is to screw a whore and points out the ugliest hooker on the street, the man orders a final double whisky and chugs it down.

Pissed as a fart, the man stumbles out of the bar and runs across the street (narrowly avoided the traffic) and amazingly knocks out the huge bouncer in a single punch.

He makes back across the road and walks behind the bar, after a few seconds the dog behind the bar starts whimpering, after two minutes the man comes back out to the street and looks around, after a few seconds he shouts: now where's that whore with the rotten tooth?!

Calvin Klein Suit: £1200

Bouquet of Flowers: £40

Candle lit Dinner for 2: £100

Moonlight Serenade: £300

Deluxe Suite in the Hilton: £200

The look on her face as I whip out my 2 inch cock: Priceless

I recently registered for a dating site and 95% of the women's profiles state, "Looking for an honest man".

I emailed a few saying that I was looking for some anal and perhaps a suck while my wife was in work. Also, with them being porkers, that they should appreciate any offers.

It turns out that they're all fucking liars on their profiles.

joke

told my mom, I was going to make a car out of spaggetti, she just laughed at me,but soon stopped laughing when I drove pasta

"Jesus loves you"
Good to hear in church


Not in a Mexican prison