Humor Thread

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter: 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one person had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,

all the men started clapping ...

damppanties said:

God's Gift To Women.

Click to expand...

Oh, my.

Dimitri.

"He's a very direct, very assertive, very passionate man."

This is just amazing.

What a controlling sort of person.

Maybe your mother had cancer?

Maybe she should look up passive-aggressive order?

If you're on any medication I'm not interested.

Bleah.

starrkers said:

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter: 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one person had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,

all the men started clapping ...

Click to expand...

LOL! Hilarious.

sweetsubsarahh said:

Oh, my.

Dimitri.

"He's a very direct, very assertive, very passionate man."

This is just amazing.

What a controlling sort of person.

Maybe your mother had cancer?

Maybe she should look up passive-aggressive order?

If you're on any medication I'm not interested.

Bleah.

Click to expand...

You need to get back by 3 p.m., Thursday. It's the deadline. I'll be watching you.

damppanties said:

You need to get back by 3 p.m., Thursday. It's the deadline. I'll be watching you.

Click to expand...

Didn't that just send a chill up your spine?

Jesus.

Good thing he didn't call back a third time.

That's when you call the police.

sweetsubsarahh said:

Didn't that just send a chill up your spine?

Jesus.

Good thing he didn't call back a third time.

That's when you call the police.

Click to expand...

I found it hilarious that Olga didn't call him back even though he is 'such a catch' and 'there are only a few men in this city who have nothing wrong with them' and he was one of them.

damppanties said:

I found it hilarious that Olga didn't call him back even though he is 'such a catch' and 'there are only a few men in this city who have nothing wrong with them' and he was one of them.

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And the part about her friends being envious. And that he was great in bed, made good money.

Bleah.

(Makes you wanna punch him a good one.)

sweetsubsarahh said:

And the part about her friends being envious. And that he was great in bed, made good money.

Bleah.

(Makes you wanna punch him a good one.)

Click to expand...

Oh, I'd rather set him up with every girl I know and ask her to dump him by the end of the first date after telling him something like - "No offense, Dmitri, but I don't think I want to go out with you again because you're a bit boring, you know..."

damppanties said:

Oh, I'd rather set him up with every girl I know and ask her to dump him by the end of the first date after telling him something like - "No offense, Dmitri, but I don't think I want to go out with you again because you're a bit boring, you know..."

Click to expand...

You fight dirty.

I like you.

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they had not yet been to prison

damppanties said:

Oh, I'd rather set him up with every girl I know and ask her to dump him by the end of the first date after telling him something like - "No offense, Dmitri, but I don't think I want to go out with you again because you're a bit boring, you know..."

Click to expand...

Guys like him make the rest of us look bad. To bad we can't vote him out of the gender.

From Molly

I received this from Sweet Witch Molly,

MY LIVING WILL..................

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her,

" never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine & fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

A C-5 Globemaster carrying a load of GI's is lighting it's fans while the Loadmaster (female) briefs them on seat belt procedures, forced landing instructions, etc.

"Now, settle back and relax as Captain Judith Campbell and crew fly you to Afghanistan."

An old Master Sergeant bellows "Damn! This plane's being flown by a woman?"

"That's right, Sarge. In fact the whole crew is female."

"Damn! I need a drink. Nothin' but women up there in the cockpit?"

"All women Sarge, and it's not the cockpit on this aircraft, it's the box office."

And now for something truly offensive...

BUBBA AND THE WALMART TEST

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, “A thought. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; It’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”

“That’s very good.” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” he asked the second man.

“Hmm. Let me see. A blink. It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink of an eye is the fastest thing I can think of.”

“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s very good.”

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed same question.

Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”

“What?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

“Oh I can explain,” said Old Bubba. “You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already shit in my pants.”

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you.

Wedding & Funeral Behavior

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I think I've dated Dmitri once...

Svenskaflicka said:

I think I've dated Dmitri once...

Click to expand...

*poke* Hey

ZEN SARCASM


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Biology And Anatomy

• If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death
  
• The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.
• A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
• Almonds are members of the peach family.
• Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedo-ing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
• Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
• Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
• If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.
• When asked to whirl around, most people in the northern hemisphere go clockwise, and in the southern hemisphere, counterclockwise.
• Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
• Police dogs are trained to react to commands in a foreign language; commonly German but more recently Hungarian or some other Slavic tongue.
• Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world.
• The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within several degrees by timing the chirps of a cricket. It is done this way: count the number of chirps in a 15-second period, and add 37 to the total. The result will be very close to the actual Fahrenheit temperature. This formula, however, only works in warm weather. (Try it!)
• If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
• A cat has four rows of whiskers.
• A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
• Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep.
• The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse.
• When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt

Two prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50

Simple (Duh!) Instructions

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

________________________________

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

________________________________

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

________________________________

On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)

________________________________

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

________________________________

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

________________________________

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

________________________________

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

________________________________

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

________________________________

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(...I'm taking this because???....)

________________________________

On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)

________________________________

On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

________________________________

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

_______________________________

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)

________________________________

On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

_______________________________

On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)