Any Thoughts on my New Story? (Bisexual)

Note ahead of time the title, which gives a clue; there's gay/bi stuff in it as well. Would like to know if the literotica board members like it or what you guys think of it.

I'm linking to chapter two but easy to find chapter one,

http://www.literotica.com/s/dominated-in-brazil-ch-02
Your story touches me especially, because I am bi and the theme in many of my own stories is: the joy of total surrender. However, there are a few things that (I would like to mention that I believe) weaken your narratives. They undercut and "soften" my results when reading. Your story rates about 3 1/2 on my peter meter, but could definitely be a 5. You need to eliminate your weakening qualifiers: 'I felt', 'almost', 'started'.

"The way he (seemed to) looked right through me (Something about him) made something snap in me; I ended up skullfucked, left with cum all over my face, while he walked out as if it were no big deal. (And I guess) To him, it (might not have been)wasn't!

"(To me) it was obvious; it made me question myself. This wasn't merely a gay 'encounter' or 'experiment', this was one guy dominating another, turning him into a cocksucker. I was on the submissive end. A man had made me kneel in front of him, had stuck his dick in my mouth and down my throat, had shot a load of cum in my face. It (seemed like) was the ultimate insult, but. . "


Your tentativeness comes from lack of confidence as a writer. Don't say it seemed to me or I felt , or almost or nearly or. . . If you state what you are trying to say directly, succinctly, IT WILL BE REAL! If you say "almost", or "as if" it will be almost real.

I hope you understand. You are a competent writer and have a distinguishable style. Your story is HOT, but weakened by lack of confidence. Also you could do with a bit more discription. Was his cck huge and dark, ominous? fearful? awe inspiring? pink? leaking? wrinkled? Was the head fat as a jawbreaker? Did her pussy open its lips to draw you in? Were they pink? blood red? filled with blood? Did her inner lips bulge out to meet your cock? Did they cling to your cock and slide out of her? Etc.

Altogether, good job. It made me hard, but not hard enough.
 
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Your story touches me especially, because I am bi and the theme in many of my own stories is: the joy of total surrender. However, there are a few things that (I would like to mention that I believe) weaken your narratives. They undercut and "soften" my results when reading. Your story rates about 3 1/2 on my peter meter, but could definitely be a 5. You need to eliminate your weakening qualifiers: 'I felt', 'almost', 'started'.

"The way he (seemed to) looked right through me (Something about him) made something snap in me; I ended up skullfucked, left with cum all over my face, while he walked out as if it were no big deal. (And I guess) To him, it (might not have been)wasn't!

"(To me) it was obvious; it made me question myself. This wasn't merely a gay 'encounter' or 'experiment', this was one guy dominating another, turning him into a cocksucker. I was on the submissive end. A man had made me kneel in front of him, had stuck his dick in my mouth and down my throat, had shot a load of cum in my face. It (seemed like) was the ultimate insult, but. . "


Your tentativeness comes from lack of confidence as a writer. Don't say it seemed to me or I felt , or almost or nearly or. . . If you state what you are trying to say directly, succinctly, IT WILL BE REAL! If you say "almost", or "as if" it will be almost real.

I hope you understand. You are a competent writer and have a distinguishable style. Your story is HOT, but weakened by lack of confidence. Also you could do with a bit more discription. Was his cck huge and dark, ominous? fearful? awe inspiring? pink? leaking? wrinkled? Was the head fat as a jawbreaker? Did her pussy open its lips to draw you in? Were they pink? blood red? filled with blood? Did her inner lips bulge out to meet your cock? Did they cling to your cock and slide out of her? Etc.

Altogether, good job. It made me hard, but not hard enough.


Thanks for your feedback! In response to the first criticism, I should say this story is told from the POV of the boyfriend, and therefore there needs to be some tentativeness as I wanted this to be about a straight guy submitting to another, so there's going to be conflict (self-conflict) in the narration. Having the narrator be too sure of himself wouldn't come off as real. At times I thought I made his tone too forward.

Your second point is well-taken and some more physical description would be better, but I think I did add in particular some of the qualifiers you ask for (e.g. describing the tone of Carlos' cock and the contrast with the girlfriend's features, his body in some detail, etc., etc.) I want to avoid, however, any kind of "biological" or medical-sounding description. Having things be TOO graphic can take away from the psychological charge imo. On the other hand, some more description of a different kind would be good maybe you're right.
 
I agree with Robert on the descriptions. This is a story that has been told a thousand times; only the names change. So the details are what makes it special. I'm not saying turn two pages into six, just look at his great examples and try to find places like that to make changes.

Also if you're in Brazil, let's have just a little more authentic Brazilian culture come into play. If you didn't say "Rio" and "Brazilian" throughout the story, I wouldn't guess it was there. Hope that makes sense. Granted I didn't read part 1, so maybe I missed some stuff there.

Overall I enjoyed it, thanks for the read. Most importantly, I think you captured the spirit well of a man easing into an MMF scenario with his girl.


Hey Joel actually I read your story about the roommate just by chance a week ago. You are a fan of Brazil too?

I'm about to read your other story about the cruise. I'm not into the BBC thing as much, do you like the Latin guys there too lol

I understand what you all say about the details but in my view only certain kinds of details should be added. I find certain too-graphic descriptions to be turnoffs.
 
A technigue I find useful is to shorten my sentences during the action. It helps make the action move faster, be more immediate.
 
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I couldn't find much wrong with the story, and, being bi myself, and having had threesomes, I should have been very turned on, but, for some reason, your story rated a coplete zero on my peter meter. I thnk perhaps it is because every time your action gets started, you interrupt to explain something, but I am not sure that is all it is.

A technigue ai find useful is to shorten my sentences during the action. It helps make the action move faster, be more immediate.



Above you said it was 3.5 on your peter meter but now only a 0! :p
 
I liked the concept, and the action was hot and believable, but I agree with some other posters about breaking the action too often with descriptions of Carlos' body and dominance. For me, the issue was that the descriptions were repetitive. I think you called him a "sex god" or "like a pagan god" 7 or 8 times in a two page story. Description can really help emphasize what you want (the protagonist just can't help himself around this guy) but only when it adds something new.

Your dialogue was also very spare and didn't do much to advance the plot or the heat until the end. I think it might have been more interesting if Carlos spoke very little English and instead just reached for whatever he wanted without asking.
 
An error forgive me, I flipped back to the wrong story. My original 3.5 stands, however I did not "bomb" your story by rating it at all.

Again, sorry.
 
Was curious if anyone else had any thoughts. Seems to get high votes but very few people want to comment on it. I like feedback.
 
"It seemed like an insult, odd." makes more sense than: "it seemed like an insult. even." What does that mean? Why doesn't your protagonist protest being gently "forced"? What is his motivation? Seems like a flimsy excuse to write "cum deep in my throat", etc. more than it seems like a story with a point? If the point is titillation, you should know that your story caused not the slightest twinge in my cock, and I am bi.
 
"It seemed like an insult, odd." makes more sense than: "it seemed like an insult. even." What does that mean? Why doesn't your protagonist protest being gently "forced"? What is his motivation? Seems like a flimsy excuse to write "cum deep in my throat", etc. more than it seems like a story with a point? If the point is titillation, you should know that your story caused not the slightest twinge in my cock, and I am bi.


Robertreams I understand you don't like my story. You've said so twice in this thread already. I'd like to hear comments from other people if possible. If to go by the rating it has, a lot of people do like it and I'd like to hear why or, if not, a reason different from what you say. By the way after I posted here again my story went down .2, do you know anything about this :p

I've talked to you before and we don't have the same taste and don't agree. I don't believe erotic stories need to have "a point" in the way that you mean. The point, domination, is pretty clear from the title by the way.
 
I have not rated your story at all. My comments were as per your request. and to you only, not officially on the story site. I do not bomb stories. you asked for criticism, I gave it. Sorry you missed the point. If you read my original comment, I did not say I disliked your story, but the opposite,. I only recommended that someone actually get fucked or sucked , not merely "feel like" they were. I did make the mistake of confuxing your story with another on my second comment, for which I have already apologized, please take my comment to heart. Your writing is tentative, not authoritative, and it involves Dominance. Someone should be dominated not "almost"
 
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