It's a whole new world

I hope I can get some help from some of you out there.

I've fallen in love with a kinky woman. She describes herself to me as a submissive whore. (I know lucky me.) Here's the deal though I am a widower, nearly 60 fit and healthy emotionally, psychologically and physically. I'M very open minded and very willing to try new things. My late wife and I had a what you folks would call vanilla sex frequently over a 30 year relationship. Frankly I love to fuck.

My lover tells me that being a dom or sub isn't something you can cultivate that you either have it or you don't. I contend that many people, myself included, have "kinky" bones in their bodies but it takes someone to draw them out sometimes or perhaps, let them escape would be a better term.

I've got photos of her tied up -by others- and they are a real turn on for me but her reply as a sub is that she enjoys doing what turns me on. I don't know how to process that. Sure I'd like to try tying you up but I don't crave it. I open to the possibility that I might love it. My question is does she like it. Is she deriving pleasure from it and is it from being tied up and restrained or is she deriving pleasure because she is serving her master. I want to fulfill this womans every need and I can be dom ; but again I don't crave that. I certainly enjoy it but it ends there.

Help me to understand this woman from the point of view of people who are and have been into this lifestyle. Is there hope for a guy who has pretty much only known vanilla but now wants to try all 24 flavors?

Your thoughts?

She told you she enjoys doing what turns you on.

Believe her.

(This, BTW, is coming from someone who's sexuality is heavily wrapped up in giving a lover what he wants.)

Think about what turns you on, what you want to try, how you want to experiment, and see if any of those things are on her "hell, no" (hard limit) list, "I'm not sure about that" (soft limit) list, or "when can we do THAT?!?" (now, please) list.

Eliminate the "hell, no" stuff, consider the "I'm not sure about that" stuff at a later date, and enjoy exploring the "when can we do THAT?!?" stuff. (BTW, limits are just as acceptable for dominants/ tops, as submissives/ bottoms.)

If you want to learn a skill (like bondage), look for local groups, books or youtube videos to learn how to do that skill in the safest manner possible. If your version of BDSM doesn't involve physical skills (rope, etc), use common sense and establish a "rule" of clear, open, honest communication moving forward.

I think it will/would completely depend on your partner. If she has a certain picture in her mind of what she must have from a man and you don't fit that, it won't matter much what you do to try to fit her mold. If, on the other hand, you have some of the characteristics she needs, and if she's flexible and open, possibly it could work. The good news is you've made it this far and she's still around you, so chances are you have at least a little bit of that sumpin' sumpin' that she wants and needs.

I suggest you do lots and lots and lots of reading about the various activities, toys, and mind sets that you can employ as a Top/Dominant and see if any of it resonates with you. Try it, explore it, and see if you might have a deeply buried chocolate streak that you can nurture and grow. Communicate with her constantly, and as suggested by others, definitely see how much pleasure she gets from your pleasure, because that is a HUGE part of it. I have tried things I would never have imagined a couple of years ago, and found I love many of them, and I would never have tried them if I wasn't so in to trying to please my partner. The very best thing I can do, regardless of specifics, is to make him happy. That's when my subbie self is the very very happiest. (Not counting hard limits, of course...) Good luck with it, I hope you can find a happy medium for you both.

I'm sorry, but I see the possibility of something a little dark here...
She says she likes doing things that she knows turns you on because she is a sub, yet she says a Dom is not something that can be cultivated.
So what I am hearing here is that she is a sub, she is leading you on, and you are not Dom, therefore my brain says that she is saying you can't have her.
I realize this is an extremely ungenerous view of a woman I don't know at all, and I'm not trying to disrespect her. My spidey senses just say that a little bit of subterfuge or manipulation may be occurring here, so you may want to take some more time and consider carefully.

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

I'm sorry, but I see the possibility of something a little dark here...
She says she likes doing things that she knows turns you on because she is a sub, yet she says a Dom is not something that can be cultivated.
So what I am hearing here is that she is a sub, she is leading you on, and you are not Dom, therefore my brain says that she is saying you can't have her.
I realize this is an extremely ungenerous view of a woman I don't know at all, and I'm not trying to disrespect her. My spidey senses just say that a little bit of subterfuge or manipulation may be occurring here, so you may want to take some more time and consider carefully.

Click to expand...

This. I have a dim view of indirect head games like this and people who can't come out and explain what they mean in detail when what they mean has this level of impact on your emotions and sanity. Why would you even have this conversation with someone unless you're pointing out that they're not Dom enough for you? If it's so ingrained, she's either telling you, you're great baby don't ever change, or she means "I want you to read my mind and create this amazing experience where I feel more out of control, but I shouldn't have to tell you anything about how to make that happen for me like X did or like I keep reading about in my favorite perv novel."
(It isn't just noobs who are liable to do this kind of romanticization.)

I'm assuming you may have made some noises about thinking bondage was hot and got a "don't try that on my account, I like what you like" response. Often that means "I don't want to be exposed to your awkward learning phase because it challenges my fantasies about Dominants and power" Meh. If she really wants to do what you want to do, she'll take any class, laugh off any awkwardness and enjoy the stuff you want to try for the hell of it.

Rule #1 in BDSM relationships: It's a relationship. Therefore, to succeed in a BDSM relationship you must do the same things that you both must do to succeed in all relationships:

• Communicate honestly
• Take 100% responsibility for the success of the relationship (each of you does this)
• Act only in ways that will make the relationship stronger

What this means in your current situation, as I see it: talk to her and make sure that you understand her expectations of you and of the relationship. Then assess whether the two of you are a good fit. It may be that she's open to going along for the ride as you learn to do the things to her that she enjoys being done to her. It may also be, as C_N_C suggests, that she is inflexible and that might lead you to conclude that the two of you are incompatible.

Only you can answer these questions.

Best advice I can probably give is to try things. If you dont like something or if she doesnt like something, then be prepared to change things. Like midwestyankee said before me communicate honestly with each other. Do not go overboard mind you, but you can try certain things to see where they go. Sounds to me like she'd really like you to explore what you want.

Read some of the stories on Lit. While a good portion of them are fiction and unrealistic, they can be a good way to figure out what you'd like to try.

Thanks everyone for the advice and encouragement. I'm finding that I thoroughly enjoy being her Dom. I love to see her happy and she likes to make me happy. I've got a lot of learning to do before I can claim I'm competent, but I have intent and desire and I'm liking where this is taking us.

Glad to hear it's going so well for both of you. Have fun, learn, then have more fun.

markFL said:

Thanks everyone for the advice and encouragement. I'm finding that I thoroughly enjoy being her Dom. I love to see her happy and she likes to make me happy. I've got a lot of learning to do before I can claim I'm competent, but I have intent and desire and I'm liking where this is taking us.

Click to expand...

Good to hear it's going well.

The way I see it, you're kinda in a win win situation. You want to make her happy. She wants to make you happy. Trust your instincts and explore each other like that, and neither of you should be disappointed.

I've been reading and looking and watching and trying to learn. I've got a few books and I'm learning more about the lifestyle all the time and though some of it is confusing at times, I think i get the D/s relationship and what I think Ive learned is that my lover, as a sub wants to do what gives me pleasure; that she derives satisfaction from service as much as sex. That might be a bit of an overstatement...I'm still learning.

One of the things that I find turns me on is bondage, and one of the things I read about it is that one should set the mood with music candles etc whatever the occasion demanded. My lover talked about an affair she had where the guy who was very skilled did what he wanted and she was able to go into a zone because he had "amazing music."

I want to go on a journey with this woman so I'm asking for more help. Please suggest some music I can assemble that you've found meditative or arousing, dreamy or thrilling. I'm going to see her soon and I want to be prepared to make her happy by making myself happy.

Thanks for your help

I've never read that bondage has to be accompanied by music and candles or anything to set the mood. If you like that sort of thing, go for it. I can't stand distracting things like music when I'm being tied so I have no suggestions.

I will of course offer some safety tips as bondage is mistakenly considered less risky by some. You've been reading up on this so I may just be posting something you already know. I like to put these here incase a lurker is browsing.

Bondage can cause damage to circulation and nerves if too tight, left on too long, or placed on certain parts of the body. Please keep in mind to have EMT shears on hand or know how to quickly release your bottom if something should go wrong.

Everyone is different so times and tightness will vary from person to person. I'm posting this link because it has a small picture pointing out some of the danger spots. On top of that, I'll point out that knots should never be placed under armpits. Since breast bondage seems to be pretty popular, there's also this link.

thanks for the links MeekMe I appreciate your help