Russian dolls of vulnerability

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I don't like to be vulnerable because I don't want to hear the things from others that will shatter the self-interest and self-esteem I have.

FloggingMolly said:

I don't like to be vulnerable because I don't want to hear the things from others that will shatter the self-interest and self-esteem I have.

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I meant to type self-image, but it autocorrected. I thought perhaps it was a Freudian slip, maybe I am too interested by myself, in an unhealthy way.

I don't like to be thought of as a joke, and I hide behind a veneer of knowledge and opinions on my preferred topics. I feel very vulnerable when others around me know more than I do. I feel I have little worth apart from my knowledge, and without that knowledge no-one has any reason to interact with me. I have long standing sibling rivalry issues thanks to my childhood, and it makes it hard for me to interact with women without taking on the role of Teacher, or exposing my secrets/private life to gain their interest and friendship

I can't remember if this Ted Talk was posted here but Cutie Mouse posted it someplace. It's worthy of the 20 minutes -- I still roll these ideas over and over in my head.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

A few things from the talk:

shame = fear of disconnection, the less you talk openly about shame, the more shameful we become

In order for connection to happen, we need to be seen but we generally don't feel worthy enough to be seen. (I'm not good enough, not thin enough, smart enough (fill in the blank)

we cannot treat others with compassion if we are not kind to ourselves

people with deep, loving connections fully embraced vulnerability, believed what made them vulnerable made them beautiful

we numb vulnerability, but you cannot selectively choose which emotion to feel. so if you start numbing the shame, sadness, anxiety, fear, you also numb joy, happy, love.

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The more my life feels out of control, the more I want to control. Is control keeping me from feeling vulnerable? We want everything to be certain. But I know nothing is certain. Ugh. It feels so confusing. Right now, if I let the wall down, I feel like I'll fall apart. I cannot be in a constant state of vulnerability.

I wonder, though, if there's a difference between my version of vulnerability - which feels like crying a lot, it feels out of control vs. what being vulnerable actually is. Allowing myself some kindness and compassion and the space to say it's ok to be sad and cry. If I let that part out, will I clear the way for a safe space??


As to humiliation - I dated someone who was really in to humiliation play. I've told this story before, but I like it so here it is again I was always up in arms about my weight. So much so, I let it affect our sex life. He finally had it with me and had me stand in front of him, naked. Hands clasped behind neck. He circled me again and again. He'd grab my belly or my thighs or jiggle my boobs. He'd ask me, is this the problem? Your fat gut? Say it. Tell me you have a fat gut.

Holy cats, I was in tears. I thought he was evil. It felt cruel. But then he'd kiss me so tenderly, rub my pussy, kiss my belly, make me look at his hard on. The more I said "I hate my thighs" as he pushed his cock in between my legs, it took away the power of those thoughts. I was dating someone I respected. I thought he was smart, good looking, funny. Why couldn't I see myself through his eyes? Through his cock

Being humiliated in a careful fashion, with someone I trust has helped me come to a more vulnerable place.

So enough 'o that. Listen to the Ted Talk.

This resonates:




I'm not sure I concede to the last point: It's what killed me that made me. I think it's getting past it that makes me. I'm not quite sure.

Thanks cookie for the link to the TED talk. I know I listened to it some time ago, but I need a refresher

Hope to post more later x

cookiecat said:

I can't remember if this Ted Talk was posted here but Cutie Mouse posted it someplace. It's worthy of the 20 minutes -- I still roll these ideas over and over in my head.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

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I second, third, fourth, fifth this... Brene Brown is *wonderful.*

Also excellent on YouTube is The School of Life; they have many short videos that aim at growing emotional intelligence. Here's one that spoke to me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfdzXmpAJrs

Worth beyond our roles is indeed more fundamental than our roles themselves IMHO. Certainly, our roles, (parent, spouse, sibling, child, employee/ employer, citizen, etc) are all part of how we understand ourselves and depending on the moment in time, we may be many roles at once, or just a few at a time as we move through our days and weeks.

Unlike you, I find that when I think about my roles, I tend to feel more satisfied than not. I have a sense of accomplishment and of competence and of right relationships. These are things I have worked hard on… have tried to be accountable within… and while I am far from perfect, it is a rare day that I find that I dwell on my failures. And those days are particularly painful and hard to me. When I need more care and tenderness to get through them than I have any right to demand from anyone.

Like most, if not all women, I do find I struggle with issues of female worth. Intellectually, I recognize these insecurities have little basis in reality, but, I can point to this or that moment from childhood, or when someone was unnecessarily cruel. Oh… and all those mean girl voices that seem to live in my own head… someone should really bind and gag those girls and send them to the corner for eternity. And while I certainly claim feminism… I do not see how this addresses these particular demons. The problem with feminism is that it requires you to be accountable… equally accountable… you can’t play dumb or say, I can’t, I am a girl… poor me… I am just not up to it because I am the lesser gender. IMO feminism plain and simple is the concept that women are people too. Not more, not less. Equal. Equal pay for equal work. Equal consideration. Not excluded from the ability to lead. To do, to be as long as you have the skills, the ability and the desire. Additionally, I would contend that it is not feminism that has made being female more difficult, but pervasive sexism and misogyny which ends up requiring women to be all things to all people. Super women – mothers, wives and workers having added lots of new hats, yet still not having pay equity and not having much societal support. (just my analysis ~ I am sure others have a different view)

Exposure often feels very vulnerable to me. Secrets… are somehow different than exposure. Exposure seems to me in part what happens when someone else reveals YOUR secrets. Secrets are by definition personal. Yours. And when they are shared they create a kind of a bond. An insight of knowledge into perhaps a person’s history, pain, or character.

One needs to know when secrets become toxic. When keeping them will destroy you and everything you treasure.

Elle – you are correct in that when you share something with another – whether it is a secret or a kind of exposure, a vulnerability - you do not know until after you share it/ expose it, exactly how it will be received, or understood by another until it is there…. Hanging between you. You hope that it will be understood and not judged… that it will be received in the best possible light and with the benefit of the doubt… that it will be seen with love and tenderness. But these things can be used as weapons against you as easily as they can be used to create bonds.

I do not know if any of this is what you were thinking of when you posted, Elle.

I think that I feel more vulnerable, more able to feel frayed and even uncertain of myself at this point in my life than I did when I was younger. While I still have much of the confidence I had as a younger woman, and more wisdom and loads more life experience, I find that my level of sensitivity, intuition and vulnerability is higher than ever. It is strange to find that I have anxiety about my ability to function, to do, to move through… in spite of my many competencies and skills.

As a younger woman, I recall having a bit of emotional fluctuation with my hormonal cycle, and sometimes maybe being a bit more prone to moments of emotional irrationality especially in charged situations or in relationships that felt pre-eminent. I am thinking of not just sexual relationships, but relationships where I felt a lot of pressure to perform, or be “perfect” or be the strong one… the decision maker or something else. I have never been particularly prone to melancholy or temper. I have always been rather hard on myself; harder than anyone else would ever be. And I get rather irritated with myself if I take out my emotions on others who do not deserve it, as I feel rather strongly that I am responsible for my own behavior and I can choose how I respond in any given situation.

Elle – I find that when I am at my most emotional, I too almost do not quite recognize myself. I find I become irritated with myself and want to just chide myself into behaving. I can’t say that I have had the feeling of emotionally drowning out of vulnerability, I imagine that must feel rather terrifying.

I believe that my vulnerabilities do actually make me stronger and that when I talk through them, exposing them as you say, I do come to terms with them and I have been told my ability to work through and face my fears and my vulnerabilities is unusually courageous. To me, I just kind of put one foot in front of another as I unwind the threads and tease out what they really are and where their roots are and where they might lead me…

I do like your analogy that when you talk these things out you are left with an answer you can build a plain, serviceable, rustic true cart out of. Keep talking… keep working at understanding and keep building yourself serviceable carts. The truth will out. And your vulnerabilities will make your stronger in time, I believe.

cookiecat said:

This resonates:

I'm not sure I concede to the last point: It's what killed me that made me. I think it's getting past it that makes me. I'm not quite sure.

Click to expand...

What didn't kill me sure shaped me. I do not know that it made me stronger. I am also not sure that the things that came near to killing me improved my ability to face my vulnerabilities. I think at least for a long time I got harder and less willing to be vulnerable. Hard shell on the outside... even as my center was all soft and tender and in need of care and healing. Idk.

I am more able to be vulnerable these days in spite of my full awareness of my mortality and the pain of things that near killed me.