Dancing Naked in the Rain

With Dancing Naked in the Rain, I set out to write a feminist story about a strong, determined woman who overcomes heartache and other hardships to take control of her sexuality and pursue her dream. And have some pretty hot sex.

I fear that I may have inadvertently written a story about a woman who is "broken" by one man and has to find another man to "fix" her. I submitted it despite my misgivings so that I could ask for your perspectives.

It's not a long story - only 3 pages. If anyone would care to read it, I'd be grateful to hear what you think. Is the main character a strong feminine role model? Or is she helpless without a man?

Thanks for your consideration.

Here's a link to the story: https://www.literotica.com/s/dancing-naked-in-the-rain

Thought it was pretty good. I came here on these forums looking for different stuff to read. Glad I did I liked your story. You should write more or make a continuing chapter of it.

LoquiSordidaAdMe said:

If anyone would care to read it, I'd be grateful to hear what you think. Is the main character a strong feminine role model? Or is she helpless without a man?

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Yes.

No.

Write more like her, and you'll soon get a strong following.

I have read and written a variety of characters, but strong, powerful women are the most sexy in every way. The more stories folks contribute with them, the better, so keep on going.

Overall, I think your main character's transition from one man to the other is, in this case, not expressing a general dependency on men, but a natural human reaction to a dysfunctional relationship. Strong characters are not necessarily immune to struggle. The very fact that she is strong, and knows she is deserving of better, is what leads her to seek what she needs elsewhere.

This character simply had unmet needs, as she expressed herself, that arose out of perfectly reasonable expectations to have in the relationship she has invested herself in. She expected to be respected, to have her partner honor the dream she shared with him, for him to offer her the same passion she offered him, etc. It is suggested that he has violated all of that. (Although we haven't witnessed enough to truly understand her degree of rage, but can accept that her response is warranted.) He seems to also have withheld the intimacy critical to their relationship which, under certain conditions, can be seen as a form of abuse. She made herself vulnerable to her first partner, as one properly does in a real relationship, and he didn't respect that. Good for her for taking charge of her life and moving on.

BTW, freeze-dried Jamaican jerk chicken?! If you've done anything wrong here, it is that you ruined my favorite dish of all time!

SolarRay said:

Strong characters are not necessarily immune to struggle.

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Thank you for the very thorough analysis, SolarRay. Between the feedback in the story's public comments, and here, I feel much better about my success in realizing this character.

And, sorry about the jerk chicken.

Some thoughts

First off what a great beginning. You set the scene so well, the characters were well presented and Credible.

For me the let down was the dialogue; you were trying too hard to be erotic. You want to draw the reader in but you do the opposite and have him or her at arms length. Which isn't good.It isn't credible either, you are better keeping your dialogue to a minimum and make the action as hot as you like but it is only hot if you convey how aroused your character is.

It's a mistake, I think to spread the arousal around too much because it's easier for the reader to focus on one character rather than two or four or seven. And what turns her on? I used to think all the conventional things but if you read Marian Keyes its the masculinity that's the turn on and that was something I hadn't thought of which means Marian Keyes is far more perceptive than I am and that isn't really all that hard. Or should I say more difficult.

Keep writing for God's sake- you're really good.

From the back hand court

What we are looking for is the erotic and I think you are trying to use dialogue to describe the action.

My advice is:don't. Try to make the action as tactile rather than visual as you can and have the dialogue stem from there. You want to convey the lust and you want to have your gentle reader feeling a part of it and don't let the fussy little bugger off the hook or he'll be checking his messages before you know it.

Your strength is your understanding of characters make them so real your reader can imagine bumping into them at a party and have their actions consistent with their personalities.
Talk's cheap though so here's a little extract from one I haven't posted as yet-despite writing it ages ago:

(Our heroine is going to get a wax)

She locked her little yellow car with the button thingie and went round to the front of the building.Prior to entering she had set her face in what she hoped would be an inscrutable impenetrable expression but the desperate need she was feeling betrayed her and Amie on reception saw another of these sex maniac women come through the door .

Next she would storm up to the counter and speak to her as if she was ordering a piece of haddock from the fishmongers.

Barb had to give her name, and address before the tart on reception would acknowledge her. The girl was infuriatingly slow and Barb drummed her fingertips on the counter as she watched. She stopped when the girl paused in what she was doing and to look pointedly at her hand.

The hand went from tapping to hovering to back at Barb’s side. Thirty long seconds later the girl looked up.

“Right Barbara, Mariana will be doing you.”

She smiled as she paused for no reason other than that she loved this moment. This one had never been waxed in her life and here she was pretending she knew all about it. Hah. Mariana would sort her out. Arrogant cow.

Amie completed the entry and came round in her tiny miniskirt and halter neck .She wore nothing beneath. The towels were on a low shelf and she bent over knowing the woman would be taking in her butt right about now and as she turned and raised her arms the front view was there as well. Dwell on that Missus I’m So Important she thought to herself knowing this one would be making the comparison between her own body and Amy’s.

She handed the towel to Barbara who couldn’t resist and glanced down.
As if Barb had reminded her it was there Amy put her fingers on her mound and drew them up over it.

“I like to keep it smooth,” she shared confidentially.

Mesmerized Barb had gone from glancing to straight out staring. It was simply the most perfect womanly area she had ever seen. The inner labia were hidden from view while hers sort of formed this sort of wobbly ridge even when she wasn’t turned on. It was the main reason she hadn’t bothered to shave- that and the comment Larry had made when she had lain naked on the bed doing that ‘seduce the man in your life in five easy steps’’ program she had read in Cleo. It was something about tucking the sheets in and she had run from the room in tears.

“Oh God it is so perfect; mine’s nothing like that- even under the forest.”

And Amy liked her.

“I do nude modeling,” she confided, “they don’t pay much here really and my boyfriend needs the money.”

Had she a gun in her hand Barb would have shot him dead on the spot.

I didn't enjoy the beginning and stopped reading. I may be the only who had that response as your story has a great rating and lots of very positive comments. So let me provide what is clearly a minority dissent.

I was put off almost right away because you had a "***" to indicate a scene break just a few sentences into the story when there wasn't a scene before it. Despite a lot of lead in, I wasn't prepared for Bryan's reaction in the first scene. He wasn't being an asshole; he was being a prude. In that first scene, there's a huge awkward disconnect between the two main characters and the narrator doesn't try to analyze why. Instead, she keeps pushing harder and winds up destroying the relationship. Tough to be sympathetic with her.

They fight and fight and eventually Bryan takes off. The narrator continues on the hike. I got the impression at this point that she had driven Bryan off; that she had this dream of a romantic hike down the Appalachian Trail with her loving future husband and when it didn't turn out as she had dreamed, she dumped all the blame on Bryan. She doesn't come across as a strong woman but as a self-centered one.

Again, that's the opinion of one reader and many, many other readers loved your story.

8letters said:

I didn't enjoy the beginning and stopped reading. I may be the only who had that response as your story has a great rating and lots of very positive comments. So let me provide what is clearly a minority dissent.

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Hey 8letters, thanks for taking the time. I appreciate the minority dissent and I actually agree with you on a number of points. The narrarator was clearly at fault for pushing Bryan too hard, and she took it WAY too personally when he made an unfortunate choice of words. She does admitted early on that it was her mistake to try to push their boundaries, but you are right that she never really owns the responsibility for the fight.

I like to think that the whole thing would have been a fairly minor spat if they had been at home. With the opportunity to step away and cool off, they could have resolved their differences and gone on to live happily ever after. But because they were stuck together on the trail, they didn't have that chance, and instead of cooling off, the fight escalated.

But rejecting the narrator's advances wasn't the thing earned Bryan the "fucking asshole" moniker. She didn't start calling him that until he left her. Did she drive him away? Absolutely. But it pissed her off anyway. That kind if anger and pain isn't always logical or accountable. And dealing with those emotions did make her self centered. She could have chosen to go after Bryan and try to fix their relationship. But in her anger she chose her dream over him. The rest of the story is kind of about her dealing with the consequences of that choice.

So yeah, I like your take on my narrator a lot. You saw a much more nuanced and flawed character than most commenters did. I'd like to think that if you had continued reading, you would have eventually seen her strength and been more sympathetic. She does continue to blame Bryan for all of her hardships, but it's more of a coping mechanism, and she overcomes those issues on her own... Well, not entirely.

In the course of the story, she never does really accept her own responsibility for driving Bryan away. But the story only covers about three days, and that's not really enough time to work through that kind of emotional grief. I probably should have made a point of it in the epilogue, but I had other consequences I wanted to emphasize. Lesson learned.

As for the "***" that was a stylistic choice to encapsulate the flashback, and I stand by it.

LoquiSordidaAdMe said:

I like to think that the whole thing would have been a fairly minor spat if they had been at home.

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I'm doubtful the I-want-to-have-sex-in-front-of-god-and-everyone thing wouldn't have happened at home.

LoquiSordidaAdMe said:

So yeah, I like your take on my narrator a lot. You saw a much more nuanced and flawed character than most commenters did.

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I saw a very angry and self-centered woman that I wasn't interested in reading about. I feel it didn't have to be that way. You could have written that when she started on the hike with Bryan, she discovered flaws in him she hadn't seen before. At some point, Bryan says he's not enjoying the hike and wants to stop. Does she stop too, give up her dream and go back to a comfortable but probably doomed situation? Or does she break up with Bryan and continue to pursue her dream? She makes the decision to adventure on, accepting her old life is over. That would have made for me a more compelling main character.

8letters said:

That would have made for me a more compelling main character.

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All good points. And good suggestions.

One of the things I try to do with my Literotica stories is compress the character development and motivations down as tightly as I can so I can get to the "good parts". I still want to have good character development and good motivations, I just want them to be efficient. It's a fine line to walk. I know I can't please everyone, but your suggestions make it clear I could probably add a bit more without it being too much. If nothing else, it's a reminder that I certainly should not trim back any further in future stories despite positive feedback from others. I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

I have another story being edited right now. I may go back and see if I can squeeze in a bit more. Thanks again for taking the time to comment.

LoquiSordidaAdMe said:

All good points. And good suggestions.

One of the things I try to do with my Literotica stories is compress the character development and motivations down as tightly as I can so I can get to the "good parts". I still want to have good character development and good motivations, I just want them to be efficient. It's a fine line to walk. I know I can't please everyone, but your suggestions make it clear I could probably add a bit more without it being too much. If nothing else, it's a reminder that I certainly should not trim back any further in future stories despite positive feedback from others. I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

I have another story being edited right now. I may go back and see if I can squeeze in a bit more. Thanks again for taking the time to comment.

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Also, look at using the "good parts" as character development too. There's no reason you can't start with the stroke and develop from there either.

Beware, you can also compress to the point you lose the story. "In the beginning there was The End."

HisArpy said:

Also, look at using the "good parts" as character development too. There's no reason you can't start with the stroke and develop from there either.

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Interesting idea.

HisArpy said:

Beware, you can also compress to the point you lose the story. "In the beginning there was The End."

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Well, that's the real trick, isn't it?