Humor Thread

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This guy was watching Monday Night Football, but his
wife had other things on her mind. She tried and tried,
but she couldn’t get his attention. Finally, she went
into the bedroom, threw on a see-through blouse and
a pair of crotchless panties. After that, she entered
the living room and stood right in front of the television.
She started to rub her pussy and asked her husband "Do
you want some of this?" The man quickly replied, "Hell
no! Look what it did to those panties"
 
Did you know that?-----

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.


If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour.


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.


On average people fear spiders more than they do death.


The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.


It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.


You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.


Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every
day.


Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of
a calorie.


Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by
a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.


In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.


A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.


A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its right
side when intoxicated.


Polar bears are left handed.


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the
catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.


The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is
like a human jumping the length of a football field.


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by
ripping the males head off.


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
(thankfully)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.


An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.


Starfishes haven..t got brains.
 
A telephone rings in a Brooklyn apartment and the lady
of the house answers.
"Huh-lowww", she says in a very
nasally drawn-out Brooklyn accent.


Through the receiver comes several seconds of heavy
breathing.
Finally a husky man's voice on the other
end says, "I'm going to lick every inch of your body
until you quiver.
Then I'm going to run my hands all
over every curve of your body and make you ache for
me. You're going to beg me not to stop.
You'll want
me to touch you in places you've never been touched
before, and then you will want me so badly you will
rip the clothes from your body as you scream for me
to take you.
I'll have my way with you and you will
LIKE it!!"

The woman is silent for a moment and quizzically asks
the caller, "You can get all that from 'hello'?"
 
This couple was worried about the size of their young
son's penis, so they consulted a doctor.
The doctor
told them that the only thing he knew of that would
correct this problem was for them to feed their son
wheat toast for breakfast.
The next morning the son
came to the breakfast table where he saw a plate on
the table with a huge stack of wheat toast on it.
He
asked his mother what the big stack of toast was for.

His mother replied, "The top two slices are for you
and the rest is for your Dad".
 
Darwin Award

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual
honor given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of
him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.


And this year's nominee is:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above
the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled
the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The lab
finally figured out what it was and what had happened.


It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO
unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel
rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport
planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.

He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and
found a long, straight stretch of road.
Then he attached
the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed
and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the
operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at
a distance of approximately 3.
0 miles from the crash
site.
This was established by the prominent scorched
and melted asphalt at that location.


The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached
maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to
reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing
at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.


The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have
experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting
F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing
him to become insignificant for the remainder of the
event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight
highway for about 2.
5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the
driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing
the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.
4
miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125
feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.


Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however,
small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted
from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were
removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion
of the steering wheel.


Epilog:

It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached
Mach I, attaining a ground-speed of approximately 420
mph.
 
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that
she's going home for Roshashanna.


"Oh," the Catholic girl says.
"That's the holiday when
you light the eight candles, right?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hannukah.
" "

"Oh, right," the Catholic girl says.
"Roshashanna is
the holiday when you eat the unlevened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover.
Roshashanna
is the holiday when we blow the shofar.
"

"See," the Catholic Girl says.
"That's what I like about
you Jews...you're so good to the help.
 
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a
brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it
might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his
shorts.


Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian
crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A blonde
girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his
shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming
with lust.


"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.


"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be
painful. I had tennis elbow once.
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question.


"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun how many would be left.
"

"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away.
"

"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I
like the way you are thinking.
"

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now.

If there were three women eating ice cream cones in
a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting
the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one
is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.
"
 
A guy was walking in the park when he saw a fountain.

"What a beautiful fountain," he thought to himself,
"I think I'll take a risk and bathe in it.
" So he goes
home and gets two bars of soap and walks back to the
fountain, takes off all of his clothes and proceedes
to bathe.
After a few minutes three nuns come walking
along.
The guy quickly shoves the bars of soap into
his mouth and posses like a statue.
The nuns stop to
look at him and one of the nuns says "Look it's one
of those slot machines.
" so the first nun shoves a
quarter up his butt, pulls his dick and a bar of soap
pops out of his mouth.
The second nun shoves a quarter
up his butt, pulls his dick and a bar of soap pops out
of his mouth.
The third nun shoves a quarter up his
butt, pulls his dick nothing happens so she keeps yanking
on it.
She looks down at her hands and says "Oh, what
lovely hand cream.
 
Real DMV Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received
on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's
driving school

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing
the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

--------------------------

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

--------------------------

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

--------------------------

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested
for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

--------------------------

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you
could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

--------------------------

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or
being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

--------------------------

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

--------------------------

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

--------------------------

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.
 
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the
package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or
a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part = begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized. '


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS
 
A Marine and A Sailor"

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing which was the superior service.
Over triple lattes the Marine says, "Well, we have Iwo Jima."
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We have the Battle of Midway."
The Marine retorts, "We Marines were born at Tun Tavern!"
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, "But we have John Paul Jones."
And so on and so on until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Marine replies, "That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women."
 
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
 
David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.The man says "For this trick David I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer who I see is here tonight and I will also need a table."

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "Maybe not for you but for me it's fucking magic."
 
Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
 
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants....So.......
 
FINALLY ... SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones at Dell giving technical advice.
 
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
 
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear hot breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
 
10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.....AND the Number One thing only women understand

1. OTHER WOMEN
 
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.) P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
 
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there
lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after
a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing
very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister
continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member
of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking
that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my
flock of loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to
one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 
Three women died and went to heaven. At the gate they met St.
Peter who asked them how they died.

1: St. Peter I have always been a good Woman. I was happily married and I never had an outside relationship. One day I went for a walk and my heart gave out on me.

St. Peter: Bless you my child. Take the golden key and go the golden door. Your reward will be with you soon.

Woman 2: St Peter I was also a good woman, but I cheated on my husband a couple of times. I went out one day to meet my lover and was killed in a car crash.

St. Peter: Forgiveness is a part of life here. Take the silver
key and go to the silver door. Your reward will be with you soon.

Woman 3: (aggressively) Peter boy, I had sex with everybody.
I loved it so much. One of my many lovers caught me betraying him and killed me.

St. Peter: Take this key and go to my door, I will be there with you soon.
 
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