Simultaneously fearing and desiring sadism in a partner

Bit of a long post, please bear with me!

I've been with my partner for several years. We've always been at least mildly kinky with the bedroom BDSM, but recently we've been kicking things up a notch.

For the past few months, I've been trying to encourage more sadism and general D/s in our play. I was already very happy and satisfied with what we do, but I did sometimes wonder how it would feel to push the envelope a bit more. My PYL (hopefully I figured out how to use this term correctly! ) prioritizes my pleasure hugely, which is a good thing - I'd never want a guy who didn't. But occasionally, when we're in a scene and in our roles, I also want him to take HIS pleasure. Not to just spank me or flog me or clamp me in the way that I want or to the extent that gives me the most pleasure, but to feel free to do it in whatever way and to whatever extent HE wants. Because it pleases him. Or just because he can.

To encourage this, I tried two things: Acting more submissive (by my definition of the word) in the bedroom, and actively complimenting the things that I enjoyed after a scene. I wanted to let him know that I greatly enjoyed the occasional edge-play that we did, and was up for more if he was.

And... it worked! When we scene these days, it's not all about my pleasure anymore. Sometimes he flogs me just a little harder than I enjoy, and when I scream, I can see (or feel) that he is hard, that he likes it. Sometimes my nipples are sore from the clamps he places on them, and when I beg to have them removed, my pleas are denied. Sometimes he keeps me tied up in a position that is difficult for me to orgasm in, and watches me struggle on the brink.

What's the "problem"?

Nothing, really. Or at least, nothing when I'm aroused. When I'm aroused, I LOVE the thought of him deriving pleasure from watching me struggle or suffer. When I'm aroused, I want more of this, it turns me on like nothing else does, it's the best thing ever.

But when I'm not in a mood for arousal or submission, sometimes I feel a bit... afraid. Not the sort of "good" fear that you get in a scene, but afraid of the direction I'm nudging us in. Will this have any negative impact on the rest of our relationship? Can we truly compartmentalize the two - the sadist who enjoys causing me pain, and the loving partner whom I know in every other aspect of our relationship?

Am I perhaps overthinking things?

Now i'm not as experienced with D/s relationships personally but i honestly don't think you are overthinking it. But two pieces of advice.
First reassure him you'll use your safeword if you need to.
Second make sure after care activities include him as well as you. I think it may sound like he needs a little help staying grounded emotionally.

That's a fine line to thread.

I would recommend you to first of all talk to him. Jut like you did here. Explain how much you enjoy it some days, how much you want him to push you. How much pleasure and satisfaction it brings.

But also explain that other days you may want him to be a bit more gentle. You are not bound to one and the same thing, after all! Decide on a word ar a phrase that you can use to let him know that you want him to be more gentle with you. Not a safeword, but something you may tell him BEFORE the playsession, and he will get the idea.

I think that's what I'd do. I'm kin of like your husband, you know. I most of all enjoy the pleasure of my girl. But I can also enjoy being sadistic, making her cry even - if I'm certain she likes the end experience. I DO enjoy delivering pain and making her suffer, so as long it's a good suffering that she looks back to and wants to do again.

Pretty much the worst thing a sub can ever do - is keep quiet and try to "endure" things that are not fun, because she thinks it would make her dom happy. It doesn't. If there's such a dom - he's not a good one.
In fact, I would be really depressed and sad if I knew that my playmate was enduring smething that's not fun for her - for "my sake".

But having said that, it would make me really happy if my GF could always come to me and articulate that she wants me to go easy on her. There are two lines of thought here.
First, that means that I can keep making her happy and delivering exactly what she wants when she wants it. That's very important for me - to know she's always pleased.
Second - that unties my hands to an extent. If I'm sure that I can trust my woman to be sane about our play, if I'm sure I can trust her to stop me if she wants something else - then I don't have to double-guess myself as much, when I'm playing in a scene. I can experiment more freely, making her hurt a little bit more for my pleasure. Because I know that she will stop me if it's not fun any more.

I believe that what I described above is an important step in any sane DS relationship. Being open with each other is very, VERY important, and it feels amazing because it's liberating.

A good dominant will always care about the partner first. He will always be under stress, guessing and wavering about how far he can push it. But when you introduce total honesty and openness to the equasion - things become much simpler and much more enjoyable. For me, the stress and tension never quite go away, but they shouldn't, because that would mean I stopped caring. But I find it much easier to hurt someone if I know they will communicate to me their limits.

Back to your situation, I will stress it again. Diversify. Make sure your partner understands your feelings. That you just LOVE his sadistic side and want to see more of it in the future. But that you also sometimes need something more playful, something more about you. Maybe even romantic vanilla - you are at full rights to ask that from him, and he will be happy to indulge you.

Oh, sorry, I should have clarified this!

My last paragraph:

But when I'm not in a mood for arousal or submission, sometimes I feel a bit... afraid. Not the sort of "good" fear that you get in a scene, but afraid of the direction I'm nudging us in. Will this have any negative impact on the rest of our relationship? Can we truly compartmentalize the two - the sadist who enjoys causing me pain, and the loving partner whom I know in every other aspect of our relationship?

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I don't mean during sex. If I'm not in a mood for pain when we're having sex, I tell him and we definitely go more vanilla.

I mean when I'm mulling over things in my head at other times, as I'm wont to do.

Nezhul said:

I think that's what I'd do. I'm kin of like your husband, you know. I most of all enjoy the pleasure of my girl. But I can also enjoy being sadistic, making her cry even - if I'm certain she likes the end experience. I DO enjoy delivering pain and making her suffer, so as long it's a good suffering that she looks back to and wants to do again.

...

A good dominant will always care about the partner first. He will always be under stress, guessing and wavering about how far he can push it. But when you introduce total honesty and openness to the equasion - things become much simpler and much more enjoyable. For me, the stress and tension never quite go away, but they shouldn't, because that would mean I stopped caring. But I find it much easier to hurt someone if I know they will communicate to me their limits.

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Thank you for this, Nezhul. It really helps me understand the mindset of a sadist+good partner, and does somewhat reconcile the conflict in my head that I was talking about.

Oh, that makes it easier.

I don't think you are in any real danger that way. If you go for different things during sex - then you shouldn't fear too much about slipping into more aggressive relationship in real life.

What you can do is just keep an eye in case your husband starts acting demanding or aggressive in RL. If he does - just correct him, because he might not even pay attention to that.

But even that, I feel, shouldn't ever become a problem. The type of games you play in bed SOMETIMES - shouldn't affect your relationship in general. For all intents and purposes, he does what he does in bed because he loves you. Because he knows you both enjoy that. It's not like he's thinking "Take that, B**ch!" every time he spanks you.

There are dominants on this board who really can't let the domination go. They come here seeking "advice" how to make their subs behave better, and mostly go away disappointed because everyone rebukes them.
Your husband doesn't seem like that sort to me at all. He comes along as sane and responsible, when it comes to DS. You shouldn't fear about it ruining your relationship

My advice, however, is always the same. You have any fears, worries or troubles? Talk to your partner first. Discuss it. Get reassured. Find out if he has silly fears like that and reassure him in return.
Being open about such things always bonds people.

Thanks again. We do communicate, I just like to be able to sort out my thoughts and figure out what exactly I want to talk about before we talk, y'know? Talking about it anonymously before hand helps me sort out my thoughts. I definitely would not use an internet forum as a replacement for communication, but rather as an adjunct. I guess I am also curious to hear about how other sadists/masochists in LTRs handle these dichotomies in their heads.

I don't think my fears are about him being aggressive or demanding IRL. That's just not him. I think that there is a general apprehension of introducing the unknown into something stable, and that more specifically, perhaps I am afraid of how it might affect how I perceive him in the long run, without realizing it. Or perhaps afraid that it might affect how he perceives himself, in that same vein. I wonder if other sadists or masochists think these same thoughts or have these same fears?

A bit of context for us: Between the two of us, I'm the one with the strong leaning towards D/s or SM, the one who needs some degree of it to be fulfilled. My SO might be best termed as "adventurous in bed". He clearly does seem to enjoy the Dominance and sadism, but that isn't the only thing he enjoys. I am the one who first introduced him to BDSM (which he seemed to take to very well!). For the longest time I was a bit afraid that his Dominance or sadism might solely revolve around the pleasure it brings me - and while that is definitely a major factor, there are now several indicators that it is not the only factor.

So... I brought us to this. I wanted it. But I'm getting a bit of the "did I raise a lion cub?" sort of apprehension, if you get what I mean.

(And yes, he knows that I would safeword if I needed to)

I am afraid of how it might affect how I perceive him in the long run, without realizing it. Or perhaps afraid that it might affect how he perceives himself, in that same vein.

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I think diversity is the key here.
If you only did sadistic DS scenes - then yea, I can see how over time it would affect both of yours perceptions.

However if you mix it up, if you do very soft, romantic stuff along with nerve-tingling BDSM stuff - then you are at no risk.

Even if you did only BDSM, however, there's no guarantee that your perceptions would change. Sex is a small part of our lives - emotionally intense, but still very short in duration, relative to everything else. As long as you get enough positive, romankic, kind emotions between the two of you - no amount of hardcore BDSM sex will affect you noticeably.
That's part of the reason that family consultants advise to never stop dating. Always keep experiencing positive stuff and you will be just fine. But sex? No, I don't believe it affects you too greatly.

Good to know. It's likely I was just overthinking things (as I often do), in that case. It is true that the amount of time we spend "in role", so to speak, is very small compared to the amount of time we spend as romantic partners.

Although, many other couples do engage in 24/7 D/s (or close to 24/7), so I wonder how they handle the dissonance in that case. I could hedge a guess that most of the 24/7 couples might be more focused on the "gentle" or psychological aspects of D/s rather than pain/suffering or sadism per se, so there isn't a need to reconcile two separate "persona"?

24/7 partners have other stuff. The DS elements are part of their relationship. Like for some pairs romantic dinners every friday may be part of the "routine" - for them it's control and submission that is.

They don't separate those things from the relationship, but they don't think bad about them. They need less romantic and more control for it to work.

Relashionships cantake many different forms. Some do polygamy and it works just fine for them, while for others it's a no-go area.

If such perspective is bothering you - just don't go that route.

At least that's how I understand things.

I don't think there is ever a time when we can think things over to much or to deeply. We can paralyze ourselves with analysis, to be sure, but so long as we're proceeding -even if that means withdrawing- then thought is a very important thing in life.

That said, I would just suggest communication. Talk before, talk after, sometimes even talk during. You can't over communicate. The two of you are both working on this new way of being. Be open with him. Be honest with him. And be as clear as you can and as open to questions and clarification as possible.

Just my two cents.

AmethystMelange said:

I guess I am also curious to hear about how other sadists/masochists in LTRs handle these dichotomies in their heads.

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Introspection works for me, but I'm a fairly classic Gemini. I can detach myself from my emotions and inspect them, like a butterfly collector a catch. And your gut feeling is right, power does corrupt and actions become habits and habits become values. So the important thing is that if you notice that something feels off, you have to voice it and not go the:"Oh, it just happened this time, I'll let it slip." It's not a problem that you should lose sleep over, just something to remember.

Thank you, all of you. I think I really was likely overanalyzing things in my opening post. He has been very reassuring, and has never been more loving and caring outside of the bedroom.

AmethystMelange said:

Oh, sorry, I should have clarified this!

My last paragraph:



I don't mean during sex. If I'm not in a mood for pain when we're having sex, I tell him and we definitely go more vanilla.

I mean when I'm mulling over things in my head at other times, as I'm wont to do.

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To begin with, he's the same guy all the time, just as you are the same person all the time. Apparently both of you are capable of 'compartmentalizing' your activities. Is the real question how much you want to compartmentalize your dynamic? I have experienced, more than once, a partner just hitting her sweet spot, the place where she really opens up, submits deeply, and then recoils in fear of wanting that too damned much. The fear is sometimes expressed as 'losing herself,' or 'becoming someone else,' and sometimes it's expressed as a fear of me, but fundamentally it seems to be an internal fear of actually throwing off internalized societal norms that she has incorporated into her vision of who she is and embracing a radical transformation. Not everyone ends up crossing that threshold, and sometimes to avoid crossing it, once you've arrived at it, requires moving pretty far back.
So, whatever dangers your current situation present to your overall relationship may be just as great pulling back or trying to stay still, as in moving forward. You can't step in the same river twice.

DrDelirium said:

To begin with, he's the same guy all the time, just as you are the same person all the time. Apparently both of you are capable of 'compartmentalizing' your activities. Is the real question how much you want to compartmentalize your dynamic? I have experienced, more than once, a partner just hitting her sweet spot, the place where she really opens up, submits deeply, and then recoils in fear of wanting that too damned much. The fear is sometimes expressed as 'losing herself,' or 'becoming someone else,' and sometimes it's expressed as a fear of me, but fundamentally it seems to be an internal fear of actually throwing off internalized societal norms that she has incorporated into her vision of who she is and embracing a radical transformation. Not everyone ends up crossing that threshold, and sometimes to avoid crossing it, once you've arrived at it, requires moving pretty far back.
So, whatever dangers your current situation present to your overall relationship may be just as great pulling back or trying to stay still, as in moving forward. You can't step in the same river twice.

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Sorry I missed your post!

Sadism is something that I definitely want to compartmentalize. I don't want a partner who actually enjoys me being in genuine pain or suffering (in a non-sexual, non-enjoyable context). At the moment (2 months after thread creation), though, I can say quite confidently that there doesn't appear to be any risk of that happening, at all. I suppose I was in a rather "hypothetical" mood when I created the thread.

D/s I am less sure about (re: my need for compartmentalization), but 24/7 is not something that we aspire to. I don't think it's the intensity or depth that I don't want, though - I just think that it's possible to have all of that intensity and depth while keeping it a bedroom-only thing.

.....Well, not like we literally do ALL of it in the bedroom, but you get what I mean.

AmethystMelange said:

Sorry I missed your post!

Sadism is something that I definitely want to compartmentalize. I don't want a partner who actually enjoys me being in genuine pain or suffering (in a non-sexual, non-enjoyable context). At the moment (2 months after thread creation), though, I can say quite confidently that there doesn't appear to be any risk of that happening, at all. I suppose I was in a rather "hypothetical" mood when I created the thread.

D/s I am less sure about (re: my need for compartmentalization), but 24/7 is not something that we aspire to. I don't think it's the intensity or depth that I don't want, though - I just think that it's possible to have all of that intensity and depth while keeping it a bedroom-only thing.

.....Well, not like we literally do ALL of it in the bedroom, but you get what I mean.

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Glad things are working out for you. Sometimes it's easy to get spooked when you get something you want.
As far as compartmentalization and D/s, my own experience is that 24/7 is not about being 'on' all the time, it's more about not putting boundaries around being 'on.' It's not more or less intense, it's a different mind set.