Looking for female's point of view on a "Loving Wife" story

I'm looking specifically for a female editor to give advice on the "voice" of my story. I tried my hand at a rewrite of my story "Leanne's Gangbang" from the wife's point of view. I want to insure the tone, voice and descriptions are accurate and don't sound like some guy wrote it.

Thanks,
Wolphey

This is the link to my first story to give you an idea of what I'm rewriting.
https://www.literotica.com/s/leannes-gangbang

Wow, a story with such a title will be a BLAST in the LW category, regardless of its contents.
Edit: Oh wait! Holy crap, it actually DOES have a decent rating. Are you a magician or a saint?

Aaaand, I can see a bunch of technical specifications of this particular model of a human female on the second line already. That's not the way to do it, man. Most people will close your story before they get to the second paragraph.

I read your original story. There are a lot of punctuation and grammer errors (comma usage, run-on sentences, a couple past/present issues) that made it a little cumbersome for me to read. I have to ask why you are rewriting from the female's POV. I mean, the original story worked fine from the male's perspective. There wasn't a lot of dialog so you really couldn't get a feel for the female's thoughts. You COULD do a rewrite from her POV and give her any kind of 'voice' you want, but I would suggest writing a completely different story in which you could build her character to match the voice you give her. All females have different personalities, so there isn't a standard 'voice'. Just think from the mindset of the type of 'person' you are speaking as and match the voice to portray that. Whatever you decide is fine. If you would like an opinion or editing, I would be glad to help if you want to email me a pdf. Either way, keep writing and good luck.

Nezhul. In retrospect, choice of name for the story was poorly thought out, and the writing decision to add the measurements should also haven left out too. Thank you for that input.

tryn2Bgood, thank you, that's the kind of editing critique and advice I'm looking for. An honest evaluation of my writing and a valid opinion on the story. Punctuation is not a strong suit of mine, I'm never too sure how to properly place some of it. Word is not a very persuasive editor.
I am working on another story that isn't a rewrite, but it's slow going. I would like your opinion on what I have so far. I'll PM you when I'm not typing on a phone.

Sure. I'd be glad to help. Don't feel bad about making mistakes. The more you write, and receive constructive criticism, the better you get. English, Language Arts, and Literature were my top subjects in high school. I had 100% averages (or very close) throughout high school and college. When I sent in my first manuscript years later, my editor completely ripped me apart. I was shocked and pretty discouraged. After I accepted the fact that I wasn't perfect, I brushed up on my skills and focused on just writing a good story. After I completed the story, I would walk away from it for about a month before going back and correcting all the mistakes I found. I'm still not perfect, but definitely improved. ☺