New to being a sub how to?

Hi everyone I'm really new to BDSM and whatnot but my bf was talking to me about trying some dom/sub stuff. Basically we're going to make a list of boundaries and then I have to do everything he says after that.

So I was just wondering if there's any advice you'd give to a newbie sub or maybe if you can tell me what to expect (feel free to be as graphic as you need to I don't care )

Thanks!

Hey and welcome. There's no one right way to do D/s, but talking to each other about your interests is the perfect way to start. Communication is the key to all relationships, BDSM or no.

There's a great sticky thread that organizes some really great threads by topic. Click here for the BDSM Library.

Hi

I would say the key is to take it slow.Discover what you like and don't like.Experiment and have fun.

NewbieSub123 said:

Hi everyone I'm really new to BDSM and whatnot but my bf was talking to me about trying some dom/sub stuff. Basically we're going to make a list of boundaries and then I have to do everything he says after that.

So I was just wondering if there's any advice you'd give to a newbie sub or maybe if you can tell me what to expect (feel free to be as graphic as you need to I don't care )

Thanks!

Click to expand...

I'm a bit concerned about the statement you made in regard to doing "everything he says after that." That's a really big step. I would say the the number one question you need to ask yourself is; How well do I know him...and how much do I trust him? (okay, maybe that's two questions) I guess I would also suggest you know the difference between a Dom and a Sadist. Just don't feel pressed to rush into things because it takes time to figure out if you really are a sub in the first place and to learn what types of activities work for you (as well as those things that do not work for you).

As ToPleaseHim said, read and then read some more. Be safe and have fun ~

Hey thanks for the help. And yeah I've known him for a year now so safe to say I can trust him... I'm just kinda nervous cause I don't know how far it's gonna go, but eep I get nervous easily...

Does he have experience in this already? Really research your limits and don't be afraid to enforce your limits. No still means no.

Also, things can change. Something I felt very nervous about one month, I asked for 2 months later.
Keep talking. Communication and trust are key. All else is gravy.

NewbieSub123 said:

Hi everyone I'm really new to BDSM and whatnot but my bf was talking to me about trying some dom/sub stuff. Basically we're going to make a list of boundaries and then I have to do everything he says after that.

So I was just wondering if there's any advice you'd give to a newbie sub or maybe if you can tell me what to expect (feel free to be as graphic as you need to I don't care )

Thanks!

Click to expand...

sissy will say expect trouble.
To sissy the number one thing is TRUST, a sub must trust the Dom completely. This is not just a sex thing but a life style.
A sub always has a safe word, it may never be used but it is agreed to by all as a safety valve.
Communication is important and should be constant, you never think of everything when making list.
The "I have to do everything he says after that" is a bad idea, a sub is not a slave and both need to understand this. The have should be will they are different things.

Last do not rush, make sure you know each other before you start this.

The best advice I can give you is to go the other way around.

Right now, you are setting boundaries, and obeying all the rules he sets for you after that.

What I think is a better way to learn is to set up the RULES one at a time, and slowly expand them as you get used to them. This is much less of a stress for BOTH the sub and the dom, because keeping a constant eye on your sub is mentally exhausting sometimes.
It's better to go slowly rather than fast.

Another advice I will give you - do not bottle up your feelings inside of you. If you have a concern, if you are displeased, angry or moody, if you didn't like something - say it in a polite manner. Your dom needs to know what's happening, always. Be vocal. It doesn't make you a bad sub if you dislike many things that he asks from you and you are vocal about it.

Kind of a follow-up on the previous paragraph - know what is good for you. DS is a fun game, but you are still your own person, and it's YOU who has the full responsibility over yourself.
If you don't enjoy something - you need to remove it from your games, at least for a time being. Maybe you will like it better sometimes later, or maybe it's not your thing at all.
As a sub, it's your responsibility to know yourself and make sure that the fun game that you are playing with your boyfriend - STAYS FUN.

And the most important advice - know your Dom. There are a lot of "wannabe dominants" who do not do it well. They try to emotionally blackmail their subs, try forcing things onto them. Another bad habit is to think that a sub exists for dom's pleasure, and that it is Dominant's satisfaction that is important - and Sub can shut up and please him.
The easiest example - you don't like something (at all) but your Dom tells you that you must do it or you are not a real sub. He says that you must follow his orders with no regards to your feelings.
It's very important not to fall for this. If your dominant is inexperienced - make sure that he understands that Your responsibility as a sub is to help him understand what you did and did not like. And his responsibility as a Dom is to make sure that whatever he does - he is pushing your boundaries but is always mindful of you, and his aim must be providing you with the best experience possible.
In a way, a good Dominant adjusts to his sub as much, if not more, as a submissive is adjusting to him. Id doesn't mean he should suck-up to your every wish, but he should always be mindful about the balance of pushing you without tipping you over. And his aim as the one making all the decisions - is to make such decisions that you both stay pleased.
The Dominant is calling the shots, yes, but it is based on submissive's tolerance, fetishes and limits that the laws of your game are set. For some, anything goes, and if that's you - good for you. But for others there is only a pretty small number of fetishes that you might enjoy, and if your dominant wants something outside of it - he can either get your consent and try it, see if you like it, try to show you what fun it is. OR, if you don't like it at all - the dominant will need to give up on that idea and move on to something else.
The LAWS are yours.

And always - play safe. If you want to do something new with bondage or toys - read up on it, watch instructional videos. Prepare your playground and equipment accordingly.

When you asked us to be as graphic as we needed to be with advice because you didn't care, in your head, what were you expecting? What kind of advice are you looking for?

As a fledgling sub, I don't think you should be expected to create a list of boundaries or limits right up front, put it in stone, and then stick to it, no matter what. You need to retain the ability to add to it later on, as these new aspects of your relationship develop. Of course, you may even decide to delete or modify some of those limits later on, but that should be your decision. I think this is even more important with an inexperienced Dom, as I assume is the case with your BF.

My only other bit of advice at this point is for you to try your best to keep an open mind. Be willing to try new things once or twice and put your preconceived opinions of them aside if you can. If after that you decide you still don't want to do them, then you can add them to the list. On the other hand, your reaction might surprise you positively.

If you're really a sub by nature, you'll know soon enough. One night of this arrangement is not enough, probably not even a week. An initial trial period of maybe a month or two would be better. Remember, this D/s relationship should be something both of you want and benefit from. Surrendering your free will to another person is a precious gift, even if its only temporarily, and the Dom in the relationship needs to understand and appreciate that.

I hope that helps, and good luck in your new adventure.

You may have already seen this little online BDSM test, but if you haven't here's a link below to the Thread. If you're both new to BDSM, I think you might find it fun and interesting... and perhaps a tool for more conversation.

BDSM TEST --> http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1156475

http://mojoupgrade.com/

Is another good couples test. You both answer questions about what you want separately and then compare your answers after.

NewbieSub123 said:

Hi everyone I'm really new to BDSM and whatnot...

Click to expand...

This, also, worries me. BDSM is as deep as it is wide. Know what it is you're communicating about first off.

SalvDali said:

http://mojoupgrade.com/

Is another good couples test. You both answer questions about what you want separately and then compare your answers after.

Click to expand...

I have not seen this one. I will be checking it out. Thanks!

My thoughts:

1. Communicate. We like to fantasize about subs having no power but they need to have equal power if not more to communicate your likes and dislikes, your limits and desires. A d/s relationship without communication will end in disaster

2. If your bf is new as well, definitely try and take it slow. Have periodic check outs if you will and try and have conversations about what is workinh and what isn't.

3. Make sure aftercare (him taking care of you physically and emotionally is a priority). D/s interactions/sessions can be intense and don't for yourself that you can go through it alone

4. D/s is not about cruelty or power it is mostly about trust. You are giving of yourself immensely and if you don't trust him to do right by you and protect you, your relationship will fail.

Good luck and feel free to pm me of a fellow sub (me) can be a resource to you.

I'm not sure we can answer your question when you haven't said anything about yourself. All you have said is that your bf wants to do this. What about you? What do YOU want? What do you enjoy? Which aspects of being a submissive turn you on?

I think aftercare is vital, don't confuse dominance with cruelty or abuse, as other posters have said learn to understand what it is that you are interested in explore and more importantly not so. Above all keep communication open and when exploring always have an agreed safe word, Red is quite a common one

I hope everything went well for the newbie.
I believe people have the wrong ideas of the d/s relationship and that person's statement of "doing everything he says" raises red flags especially when a relationship is new.

Seems that the boyfriend want a master/slave dynamic. That level of trust takes years to build and yet still communication and discussions and reworking things is a must since things change. A sub has to know that their dom is 100% looking out for the sub's best interest and that the dom wouldn't do anything to abuse/harm/violate their sub. It's a great responsibility.

Just NewbieSub123 being here to ask questions is their gut instinct/conscience trying to let itself be heard or maybe just reading about the slave responsibilities/duties/rituals turn that person on.

New sub

Every Dom has their thing, control or respect, in one form or another, usually some blend of both. For Me, obedience is more important than wickedness but not for the usual reasons. I need to keep My sub SAFE so 'now' means "NOW! DAMNIT!" because it's SAFE! NOW! ,,, ,,, ,,, not after you hesitate and have a three way ethics gangbang in your head with Id and Ego...

TO Me it's about trust. I can't take My pleasures with you if I have to wrestle you kicking and screaming to your orgasm. (Although, now that I T H I N K about it...) It you understand at the core of your being that I am NOT going to harm you... and you are not a 'bad girl for liking the feel of My Black Leather Gloved Hand making your butt cheeks clench and quiver like your wrinklepit is going to cry.

You deserve what you are willing to respectfully ask for. I satisfy requests with the obligation that I: A) I use you up and B) you thank Me properly ...

Just make sure that you trust your Dom who knows submission is a gift of trust and that YELLOW means this is as much fun as you want and RED means "DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS TO YOU BITCHMEAT!". hehehe When I hear safe words in that context... I know that I'm just a sextoy craftsman that tests custom floggers on volunteers.

NewbieSub123 said:

Hi everyone I'm really new to BDSM and whatnot but my bf was talking to me about trying some dom/sub stuff. Basically we're going to make a list of boundaries and then I have to do everything he says after that.

So I was just wondering if there's any advice you'd give to a newbie sub or maybe if you can tell me what to expect (feel free to be as graphic as you need to I don't care )

Thanks!

Click to expand...

Ok
My question is

Does your bf have any experience at being Dom?
Or are you both starting out?

If your both novice
Try stuff
Experiment
Talk about it
Let yourself go
Communicate

If he's got more experience
Make him work for your submission

Pm for more free advice

NewbieSub123 said:

Hi everyone I'm really new to BDSM and whatnot but my bf was talking to me about trying some dom/sub stuff. Basically we're going to make a list of boundaries and then I have to do everything he says after that.

So I was just wondering if there's any advice you'd give to a newbie sub or maybe if you can tell me what to expect (feel free to be as graphic as you need to I don't care )

Thanks!

Click to expand...

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Sorry, I just read the forum rules and realized promotion of my new website is discouraged here, so I've deleted my comment. Apologies for not reading the rules first.