Story discussion: November 1, 2017. "Getting Sleepy" by PS_Alexandria

Hi, I'm PS_Alexandria, and I like to write mind control stories with fantasy and historical fiction themes. This one is about a mind control fight between two immortals. Kind of different in that the story is erotic, but the actual sex act isn't explicitly detailed. I'm posting it here because I'm curious to see what questions and impressions readers get from the story.

My goals for this story were:

1. Present the mental struggle between the characters as erotic in itself

2. Give a detailed picture of the viewpoint character's personality

3. Hint at the viewpoint character's past and future in a way that makes the reader wonder where they came from and where they are going

I mainly want to know how people perceived my viewpoint character and what questions they have about them. This viewpoint character is also a character in other, non-erotic stories of mine. I wanted to explore the erotic side of the character, so I posted a story about her here.

PS_Alexandria said:

I mainly want to know how people perceived my viewpoint character and what questions they have about them.

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This may be more suited for the Feedback board since you are the author and are asking for feedback from readers.

Hi Alexandria,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. You really picked a challenge, I think, telling a story from the perspective of a deity.

PS_Alexandria said:

1. Present the mental struggle between the characters as erotic in itself

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I found the introduction and conclusion to be rather dull, but I enjoyed the contest itself, and wanted more of it; though that doesn't necessarily mean it was too short.

You conveyed her struggle well, which is no small achievement since it was mental rather than physical.

While I enjoyed the scene, I can't say that I found it erotic, but it was interesting and fun.

I really liked that the contest didn't see-saw or end with some miraculous turn of events like the silly fight at the end of the average action movie.

This was my favorite line: There was a sensual timbre to his voice when he said the word captivated.

PS_Alexandria said:

2. Give a detailed picture of the viewpoint character's personality

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I never felt in touch with her. Some details just didn't quite fit together; for instance-- how old and powerful is she?

The grieving hook was a great idea, because that is something to which I can very much relate. Did you consider showing her lover dying, instead of just telling us about it?

Motivation is crucial for me to bond with a character. I never quite got why she went to him at all, let alone when she did. Ok, so he's going to help her with her grief issues, but how, and what are the risks? Not understanding what peril she faced really limited the tension. In the end, it doesn't appear that she risked anything, since she lost and still got what she wanted.

I really thought you nailed her conceit. A goddess ought to be full of herself.

PS_Alexandria said:

3. Hint at the viewpoint character's past and future in a way that makes the reader wonder where they came from and where they are going

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The only thing I wondered about at the end was what would have happened if she had won the contest?


If any of my responses don't make sense, please don't be shy about asking what I meant-- or asking anything else for that matter.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Take Care,
Penny