Seeking feedback on my first story

I'm not exactly new to writing, but this is my first (finished) erotic story. It's a short story that's all about anticipation, and cuts right to the anticipation without much buildup.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-bar-in-the-hotel-lobby

You have a talent for creating emotion. It will serve you well.

I'm not a big fan of being part of the story. I question how it would read to a woman. I would have replaced all of the 'you's with a name and stuck with 1st person. The scene mixed 1st and 2nd person, though it wasn't an uncomfortable read, just not my cup of tea. I prefer being the fly on the wall.

Keep writing. I'd love to read a full story packed with the feelings you can generate.

Thanks. The first-and-second person narration seems to have bothered some other people as well. I'll have to remember this.

I agree, the 2nd person is distracting. To me, it makes the story harder to accept because I know I never did what you claimed I did.
That said, yours was one of the few 2nd person stories I could continue reading, so you do it quite well. So well done.

Something else that might be worth thinking of for future stories is to introduce a bit of drama/conflict in your story. It doesn't have to be much -- for erotica we usually know broadly what's going to happen. Even things like "will I dare wearing that revealing dress?" or "should we fuck now in the car or wait until we get home" can be a conflict and can keep readers interested.

Just some thoughts. And please keep writing, I think you have talent for it.

This isn't a second person story, and it reveals that in the very first phrase: "This dress you picked out for me." It's first person, told in the perspective of the "me."
It's what we're getting around to calling pseudo second person, though--and yes, it can get annoying.

Some dialog would be nice. It would help break up the wall of description, improve the flow and help bring the scene to life.

I've only seen one other work with this sort of "letter writing" narration, however it's an actual letter written from the protagonist ("I") to the antagonist ("you"), as she works through the events of the story for her therapy at the end (Stolen; I loved it as a teen but it might be less impressive now that I'm an actual adult. I'll stick to how I still perceive it in my head, thank you). People tend to either love or hate "you", and with my personal bias I'd say you're better suited sticking to a true 1st person, but again that's just my preference as I find second person incredibly distracting for some reason.

It's not a bad little piece, and I really don't mind the lack of dialogue. Granted it's not what I normally read, but it's a nice little blurb.