Online D/s - when your Dom goes quiet...

Hi, I'm new here. I'm an online sub. I'd love to hear from other subs and also Doms/Dommes about the below. I'm really struggling tonight.

If you are used to hearing from your online Dom every day, and one day you don't, how do you stop it destroying your world? I mean, how do you stop feeling devastated and scared that you've done something wrong, and compulsively checking your messages every 2mins only to get a choking sadness and feeling of panic? Is my Dom punishing me? Is He just busy?

If He's ignoring me as punishment, it's working, it's the worst feeling I know. Or is it an obvious red flag that he's losing interest, or has found a new sub?

He requires that I email him several times a day at certain times, which I do, but after around 36+ hours now, I'm feeling a bit awkward/resentful/sad?

I appreciate he may have had some kind of urgent RL situ and might not have email access as a result, but it's not the first time it's happened. I'm not sure I can sustain being a good sub for Him without feedback, even if he just writes a 1 line message and says he's too busy for me at a particular time.

I would feel exactly as you are describing, without question. Ask him why this happens and explain how it makes you feel. If he understands and has a reasonable explanation, perhaps he'll agree to send you a quick message in the future to alert you to a quiet day or two. If he's punishing you with this or is dismissive of your concern, well, that's up to you. That would be a hard limit for me. Silence is devastating.

Maybe he has family over and doesn't want to answer.
Maybe he is busy with work.
Maybe he has an offline submissive and is busy with them.
Maybe it is punishment.

You need to ask for clarification.

Let's cover the various aspects.

What is his situation?

It's actually kinda simple - send him the naughtiest picture of you with a playful:"You are missing out on this " text - no whiny "where are you?" text.

If he doesn't reply he is either really punishing you, he spends quality time with his wife and kids or he is dead. In all three situations it is time to evaluate your relationship. A "Please don't do this again" will not prevent this in the future, don't bother with it. The question is if you can live with his behavior or not.

If he does reply, he got bored. Everything repetitive gets boring, for some earlier, for some later. This means you should also evaluate your relationship, but together with him. Every long relationship will have phases of 'Meh'. There is a fair chance that he rather wants a playful sexy minx that doesn't bitch around when it comes to sex and nudity than a submissive (yes, I know, some don't even see a difference). Both of you need to realize that some time off from a relationship is fine, if this is communicated. If this is a very new relationship, it merely means that he underestimated it. This is again not something malicious, but can be worked on, if both parties are willing.

How do you prevent to feel like crap?

You can only be responsible for your actions, the consequences are way beyond our control (although we truly believe that we can predict consequences properly). If you truly believe you did your best (which is a realistic best, not some godly-like theoretical best), you should try to take pride in what you did and focus on your actions, not on whether they have the desired consequences or not.

Then of course, occupy yourself.

Thanks everyone - you have all given me some really good advice and, together with an amazing interaction with Him just now, I'm feeling a lot clearer on things. I guess I am learning one of the downsides of online D/s, but really I think I just need to learn to fully trust Him. Today has helped - I think it'll just take time.

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sillysub said:

Thanks everyone - you have all given me some really good advice and, together with an amazing interaction with Him just now, I'm feeling a lot clearer on things. I guess I am learning one of the downsides of online D/s, but really I think I just need to learn to fully trust Him. Today has helped - I think it'll just take time.

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I'm glad you got some relief by interacting with him. I know exactly how you felt. I have learned a few important things about relating online. Sometimes real life does get in the way. Sometimes people just need time to themselves. Sometimes they get sick or have a family emergency come up. I also learned never to send a naughty message first, always an innocent one. I usually just send an emoticon or two when I think he is available, just to see if he is. Trust is very important. It is also a gift.

Just because its online sillysub, some people tend to think that feelings don't matter as much.

Online relationships can be harder than in real life, such as having to describe things more, as well as the time factor. Because of that, emotions can be powerful, and the waiting can be hard.

Ive seen, and heard, it happen many times.

Ive also know of an online Dom/sub relationship that has been maintained over the course of many years.

Trust is the basis of every Dom/sub relationship.

When I've done online things my partner and I always had a codeword for when we might not be available for any sort of reason. That way you know whether it's punishment or not. Mine was "blueberries"

sillysub said:

Hi, I'm new here. I'm an online sub. I'd love to hear from other subs and also Doms/Dommes about the below. I'm really struggling tonight.

If you are used to hearing from your online Dom every day, and one day you don't, how do you stop it destroying your world? I mean, how do you stop feeling devastated and scared that you've done something wrong, and compulsively checking your messages every 2mins only to get a choking sadness and feeling of panic? Is my Dom punishing me? Is He just busy?

If He's ignoring me as punishment, it's working, it's the worst feeling I know. Or is it an obvious red flag that he's losing interest, or has found a new sub?

He requires that I email him several times a day at certain times, which I do, but after around 36+ hours now, I'm feeling a bit awkward/resentful/sad?

I appreciate he may have had some kind of urgent RL situ and might not have email access as a result, but it's not the first time it's happened. I'm not sure I can sustain being a good sub for Him without feedback, even if he just writes a 1 line message and says he's too busy for me at a particular time.

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you're doing fine. regardless of how submissive you are, you should never be reliant on an internet stranger for your happiness. if you are unhappy, you have the right to be unhappy with someone else.

His wife caught him.

............

I know how you feel but if it's a punishment he should
Tell u other then that try doing other things it may help when you can't chat

I just got punishment not doing something and I couldn't
Help him cum that's the worst and I just spank so laying on back so I feel it,I should have done it.

Glad it's better now but I'm sad to say it's likely to happen again and again and . . .

FurryFury said:

Glad it's better now but I'm sad to say it's likely to happen again and again and . . .

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Yes it will mine gets busy with real life but if it was punishment he should tell u other wise keep yourself busy if happen again

FurryFury said:

Glad it's better now but I'm sad to say it's likely to happen again and again and . . .

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You are a bit late.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=74722208#post74722208

Ah. Thanks for the update.

Online only partners are notorious for having short attention spans and just disappearing. It's hatefully painful. We hates it.

Primalex said:

You are a bit late.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=74722208#post74722208

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FurryFury said:

Ah. Thanks for the update.

Online only partners are notorious for having short attention spans and just disappearing. It's hatefully painful. We hates it.

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I've been with mine 2years,and I go a day without talking to him but no longer if it's online have to get real life may come up.don't like it but that's down side of online

This is exactly why I have reservations about online relationships. I don't think it really works in most cases but in some it does.

Some people get what they need from online interaction others just feel a sense of loss and there is RL contact missing.

Sam xx

If he's generally honest... then you should assume that he's busy or something happened to him, I don't know what. Using the silent treatment in d/s relationships seem pointless to me. I mean, you can just tell the sub to how to act... so what's the point? No manipulation is required...

If he's like me, then you should tell about how you felt... how you felt insecure without him. It would please him greatly to know that you were feeling eager and insecure.

DudeA said:

If he's generally honest... then you should assume that he's busy or something happened to him, I don't know what. Using the silent treatment in d/s relationships seem pointless to me. I mean, you can just tell the sub to how to act... so what's the point? No manipulation is required...

If he's like me, then you should tell about how you felt... how you felt insecure without him. It would please him greatly to know that you were feeling eager and insecure.

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DudeA

Do you not think it's appropriate to tell your sub you are busy and can't speak at the moment? Do you make firm plans to speak online?

Sam xx

xxxSubSamxxx said:

DudeA

Do you not think it's appropriate to tell your sub you are busy and can't speak at the moment? Do you make firm plans to speak online?

Sam xx

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Hmm, that's a good point. I'm not too sure about online, things always get complicated or go unexpected. This guy might have just been a fake or a jerk, or maybe something urgent happened, we'll never know. What I highly doubt is that "she did something wrong and it's a punishment". If a dom gets mad then he'll likely get mad and tell you and correct you...

Oh, I missed that she talked with him... I'm not really sure what happened, but I think ignoring your sub or using the silent treatment is just rude. I mean what I like about D/s is that it's very intimate and you demand the other to be always be there with you and keep you close.