Mental Illness

FurryFury said:

I've heard quite a few people say that BDSM or Kink helps their mental illness.

Click to expand...

It does.

A (not so) brief rant here, that perhaps I might gain some insight.

Last night was my last meeting as chair of an non-profit organization. I loved the work I did there but one committee member made it impossible for me to continue. He is bi-polar, has anger issues, and I suspect some other mental illnesses of varying degrees. And, unfortunately, he was one of the founders of the organization and isn't going anywhere soon.

Knowing the stigma that plagues so many with mental illnesses and the lack of compassion and patience shown by the general public, I did my best to work around his problems (which are legion, let me tell you). I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say he made my life progressively more difficult until, in a very rare fit of anger, I quit. He begged me to come back. I agreed to one final face-to-face talk, and he was convincing enough with his vow to behave that I agreed to finish out the season.

He kept his promise for less than two weeks.

I live in a small town, the arts community is even smaller, and I know I will run into this person frequently. I don't know how I'm going to behave toward him. Logically, I know he didn't "mean" to cause me any grief, but emotionally I am absolutely SEETHING with anger. I don't want to be petty or spiteful and I know in a year or so this will all have passed and I won't even care. But right now I'm furious, and hurt.

So how do I remain compassionate in the face of repeated mistreatment? (Seriously, this person has given me an ulcer and has been the cause of many sleepless nights).

And I am not the only bridge he's burned - the town is full of stories.

I guess I'm not here looking for solutions, just curious about how it feels from the other side. If you have a mental illness that has led you to hurt others, what are your thoughts on this?

I'm not bipolar, but in some of my episodes of depression I did some very stupid and hurting things to people.

I can't excuse them, and I can't ask someone else to forgive them, either, although some people have.

We live; I live; and this man must also live with the consequences of his actions.

That being said, anger towards him, resentment, and all the rest will eat you up if you allow it. Again, I speak from experience. That awful statement "Revenge is a dish best served cold" completely misses the point. Revenge is a dish that, when served, is partaken of to the hurt of both the giver and the recipient. In equal portions.

Talk to someone you trust, and who is capable of understanding and maybe helping you through this, about your anger.

I understand where you are coming from. *hugs* I can't speak to the other side. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can.

It's one thing to forgive someone. It's another thing to know that person is going to do the abusive, toxic shit again and again. That is where I am with my mom right now. I just don't want to talk to her. When I do she attacks.

Also I have someone who contacts me about his plans to do things in my profession. I've seen his illogical and ill advised rants on facebook. I know he is bi polar. I don't want to be a part of anything he plans. When he plans things they turn sleazy and don't uphold my profession the way I am comfortable.

Keroin said:

A (not so) brief rant here, that perhaps I might gain some insight . . .

Click to expand...

FurryFury said:

I understand where you are coming from. *hugs* I can't speak to the other side. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can.

It's one thing to forgive someone. It's another thing to know that person is going to do the abusive, toxic shit again and again. That is where I am with my mom right now. I just don't want to talk to her. When I do she attacks.

Also I have someone who contacts me about his plans to do things in my profession. I've seen his illogical and ill advised rants on facebook. I know he is bi polar. I don't want to be a part of anything he plans. When he plans things they turn sleazy and don't uphold my profession the way I am comfortable.

Click to expand...

The sad fact of untreated mental illness among us is that all of us also need to protect ourselves and those we are responsible for from those who act irrationally and hurtfully to the greatest extent practical.

Katiesub said:

That being said, anger towards him, resentment, and all the rest will eat you up if you allow it. Again, I speak from experience. That awful statement "Revenge is a dish best served cold" completely misses the point. Revenge is a dish that, when served, is partaken of to the hurt of both the giver and the recipient. In equal portions.

Talk to someone you trust, and who is capable of understanding and maybe helping you through this, about your anger.

Click to expand...

Thanks Katiesub. I do know it will pass, (hooray for the wisdom of experience), I suppose I am just wrestling with the philosophy of it, if that makes sense? And thankfully I do have some good people to talk to, who understand it. I think you're right, that really is key.

FurryFury said:

I understand where you are coming from. *hugs* I can't speak to the other side. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can.

It's one thing to forgive someone. It's another thing to know that person is going to do the abusive, toxic shit again and again. That is where I am with my mom right now. I just don't want to talk to her. When I do she attacks.

Also I have someone who contacts me about his plans to do things in my profession. I've seen his illogical and ill advised rants on facebook. I know he is bi polar. I don't want to be a part of anything he plans. When he plans things they turn sleazy and don't uphold my profession the way I am comfortable.

Click to expand...

Thanks FF. So sorry about your ongoing struggles with your mom. Much easier to quit a committee than to deal with an immediate family member.

Yes, there is that separation - forgiving but also understand the behaviour is toxic and won't change. From a distance, I feel genuine pity for this man. Up close? I want to scratch his eyeballs out, lol.

Katiesub said:

The sad fact of untreated mental illness among us is that all of us also need to protect ourselves and those we are responsible for from those who act irrationally and hurtfully to the greatest extent practical.

Click to expand...

Oddly, the biggest source of my anger is not even at all the hurtful things he has done, but at the fact that he has pushed me to act in a way that runs contrary to my nature, purely out of self defense.

When I came home from the meeting last night, I felt more wiped out than if I had just put in six hours at the gym. I hadn't realized how much stress had built up, just how hard I was working at appearing "normal" in order to get the job finished. I slept in today as if I were hungover.

I am a HUGE believer in compassionate boundaries.

IMO, there is no compassion in letting a mentally ill person continue to blunder through life like a bull in a china shop, wrecking (stressing out) the people around them.

They will live forever, feeding off the stress and burdens they've beaten into every soul they meet. The victims will try and try to "work around" things out of respect for the ill person's "differences"... Only to suffer the emotional and physical strain better deserved by the madman.

"I know you have issues (anger/etc); I respect the challenges that must create in your life. I will no longer suffer, just because you expect me to."

And then point out specifics (the good behaviors only lasted two weeks, etc), and you will be devoting your energy elsewhere until XYZ changes have remained constant for ____ amount of time.

Then stick to it.

The arts community may be small, but that doesn't mean he's on every board. Explain your boundaries to every new project, and see if you can't get more people on your side. If the community sets a boundary, it will be harder to ignore it.

I agree with you wholeheartedly, CM.

I actually did sit him down and give him the "tough love" talk....three times. Each time, he seemed genuinely contrite and eager to change. After the second talk, he made an appointment with a therapist and seemed to be making an improvement. But then he just went right back to his old ways. And during the "fit of anger" I blurted out more than I should have about other members of the community and their feelings toward his behaviour (including one committee member who quit because he frightened her). I honestly thought that would make some dent, but it didn't.

The third talk was when I drew the line (three strikes you're out).

I do agree that the arts community needs to band together on this, because he does have a negative impact on people, and thus our projects. I think we need to get over our small town way of just trying to "get along". Boundaries do need to be set because I can see this pattern continuing indefinitely. Now I suppose I just need to consider how to spread the word in a way that can't be construed as mean spirited gossip.

But, I think I'll wait a few months, and let myself cool down and heal, first!

CutieMouse said:

I am a HUGE believer in compassionate boundaries.

IMO, there is no compassion in letting a mentally ill person continue to blunder through life like a bull in a china shop, wrecking (stressing out) the people around them.

They will live forever, feeding off the stress and burdens they've beaten into every soul they meet. The victims will try and try to "work around" things out of respect for the ill person's "differences"... Only to suffer the emotional and physical strain better deserved by the madman.

"I know you have issues (anger/etc); I respect the challenges that must create in your life. I will no longer suffer, just because you expect me to."

And then point out specifics (the good behaviors only lasted two weeks, etc), and you will be devoting your energy elsewhere until XYZ changes have remained constant for ____ amount of time.

Then stick to it.

The arts community may be small, but that doesn't mean he's on every board. Explain your boundaries to every new project, and see if you can't get more people on your side. If the community sets a boundary, it will be harder to ignore it.

Click to expand...

Keroin said:

A (not so) brief rant here, that perhaps I might gain some insight.

Last night was my last meeting as chair of an non-profit organization. I loved the work I did there but one committee member made it impossible for me to continue. He is bi-polar, has anger issues, and I suspect some other mental illnesses of varying degrees. And, unfortunately, he was one of the founders of the organization and isn't going anywhere soon.

Knowing the stigma that plagues so many with mental illnesses and the lack of compassion and patience shown by the general public, I did my best to work around his problems (which are legion, let me tell you). I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say he made my life progressively more difficult until, in a very rare fit of anger, I quit. He begged me to come back. I agreed to one final face-to-face talk, and he was convincing enough with his vow to behave that I agreed to finish out the season.

He kept his promise for less than two weeks.

I live in a small town, the arts community is even smaller, and I know I will run into this person frequently. I don't know how I'm going to behave toward him. Logically, I know he didn't "mean" to cause me any grief, but emotionally I am absolutely SEETHING with anger. I don't want to be petty or spiteful and I know in a year or so this will all have passed and I won't even care. But right now I'm furious, and hurt.

So how do I remain compassionate in the face of repeated mistreatment? (Seriously, this person has given me an ulcer and has been the cause of many sleepless nights).

And I am not the only bridge he's burned - the town is full of stories.

I guess I'm not here looking for solutions, just curious about how it feels from the other side. If you have a mental illness that has led you to hurt others, what are your thoughts on this?

Click to expand...

Hi, K. I'm bipolar (duh), and rage has always been one of the major things I have to contend with. I dunno if I can help, but I'll try.

I've long ranted against people who abandon the crazy in their time of need, but here's the thing. If you were a family member or his girlfriend or his best friend or someone who is very close to him and should be concerned about his well-being, then it would be insensitive of you to walk away. But you aren't. You owe this man nothing other than the kind of common courtesy you'd give to anyone, crazy or no. Just because the people who should be helping are not helping doesn't mean it should fall on you to accommodate his shit. So don't feel guilty.

As far as rage goes in the context of bipolar, it's addictive. That's the only way I know how to put it. It's such a destructive thing, both to yourself and to the people around you, but feels so good while you're doing it. I don't even know how to explain the feeling, really.

Then, you look back later and realize how scary it was. The rage and the paranoia were what eventually led me to get treatment. I was afraid of myself, of this thing in my head.

I understand why they used to think crazy people were possessed by demons. I feel that way sometimes myself. Not literally, of course, but it's like something that's not me takes control of my brain. It shoves me out of the driver's seat, ties me up in the floorboard, and forces me to watch while it drives my body and does whatever kinds of terrible things it wants to do, and I am completely powerless to stop it.

Nowadays, it's not so bad. I drive my brain most of the time, but it was pretty bad there for a long time. I've got a lot of regrets about a lot of the things I did then. It wasn't really "me" doing them, but I'm still the one who's responsible for not being able to fight the demon off. So yeah...lots and lots of regrets.

On the other hand, there are a lot of people who use their "illnesses" (whether legitimate or not) as excuses to treat other people like shit. Lack of insight into one's illness ("There's nothing wrong with me!") is a hallmark of being mentally ill. But when somebody's all like "Well, I just can't help myself because I'm [insert mental illness here]," then there's a good chance that they're using it as a crutch, especially if they're not in therapy/on meds/otherwise doing something to fix their problem.

Ok, I was going to make some point or other, but my daddy called while I was in the middle of typing this and talked for an hour, so now I've lost my train of thought.

BiBunny said:

Hi, K. I'm bipolar (duh), and rage has always been one of the major things I have to contend with. I dunno if I can help, but I'll try.

Click to expand...

I was hoping you would chime in, BB. Thanks!

I've long ranted against people who abandon the crazy in their time of need, but here's the thing. If you were a family member or his girlfriend or his best friend or someone who is very close to him and should be concerned about his well-being, then it would be insensitive of you to walk away. But you aren't. You owe this man nothing other than the kind of common courtesy you'd give to anyone, crazy or no. Just because the people who should be helping are not helping doesn't mean it should fall on you to accommodate his shit. So don't feel guilty.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I'd be lying if I said I don't feel a small degree of guilt. Not big enough to keep banging my head against that wall but...

As far as rage goes in the context of bipolar, it's addictive. That's the only way I know how to put it. It's such a destructive thing, both to yourself and to the people around you, but feels so good while you're doing it. I don't even know how to explain the feeling, really.

Then, you look back later and realize how scary it was. The rage and the paranoia were what eventually led me to get treatment. I was afraid of myself, of this thing in my head.

I understand why they used to think crazy people were possessed by demons. I feel that way sometimes myself. Not literally, of course, but it's like something that's not me takes control of my brain. It shoves me out of the driver's seat, ties me up in the floorboard, and forces me to watch while it drives my body and does whatever kinds of terrible things it wants to do, and I am completely powerless to stop it.

Click to expand...

This is the part I'm really interested in. How self-aware were you back then, would you say?

See, this fellow will RAGE, then be contrite and apologetic, then...just pick up like nothing happened and the cycle repeats. So there are moments when I think he gets it, and others where I think he must be the most clueless man on the planet, lol.

And it was hit and miss. I never knew what would set him off. In one meeting, he got so belligerent over a side project that he literally would not let me speak. (And I'm the chair!) In frustration and an attempt to calm the fire, I handed the whole thing over to him to run. He sat on it for two months, did absolutely nothing, then dumped the whole thing back in my lap at the very last minute. So now I get to look like the incompetent idiot. Yay.

When he went into RAGE I just never knew how to handle him.

Nowadays, it's not so bad. I drive my brain most of the time, but it was pretty bad there for a long time. I've got a lot of regrets about a lot of the things I did then. It wasn't really "me" doing them, but I'm still the one who's responsible for not being able to fight the demon off. So yeah...lots and lots of regrets.

Click to expand...

I am sorry to hear that but I am glad you're getting yourself together. I keep reading your posts and being amazed at how fricken amazingly sharp you seem these days. You were always intelligent but now you also seem insightful and level headed. I think you would make an excellent advocate for others who perhaps need some help.

As for this person, I have serious doubts he'll get it together. It will take something huge, I think, to push him into seriously seeking help. I'm shocked he's held his life together as well as he has.

Ok, I was going to make some point or other, but my daddy called while I was in the middle of typing this and talked for an hour, so now I've lost my train of thought.

Click to expand...

LOL. I loved what you had to say. Thanks.

Agreed and that goes for poorly treated mental illness too.

Katiesub said:

The sad fact of untreated mental illness among us is that all of us also need to protect ourselves and those we are responsible for from those who act irrationally and hurtfully to the greatest extent practical.

Click to expand...

I feel that if I had been pushy and tried to have my mom declared mentally incompetent, she might well be better off. I know she would fight me and hate me though. I'm not into fights. I'm into people being adults and making their own choices whether right or wrong.

If I were able to get her in a place that would make sure she took her meds and be there for her when she is in "crisis" I'd feel a lot better. I know however, that she would deliberately act up with the goal of getting kicked out like one of my friend's mother is doing.

Also she would inevitably get her feelings hurt and want to leave. Too bad for her I'm not the sort that wants to take charge. Actually I'm damn tired of her never being the adult - ever.

As it is, she wants help or thinks she does, but blocks any help she could get from me or anyone else.

One day, I suspect dementia will make it impossible to fight being taken care of. Maybe then, I'll actually be able to help her.

I've just begun reading this thread, thank you all for the insightful comments and resources... I've a question that I want to get some perspective from those with BP here...

The guy I've just started dating is probably bipolar. And I am feeling a little lost: He was getting out of his depression when I met him, still taking meds, but otherwise seems perfectly normal to me, I'd never have guessed he was depressed or bipolar if he didn't tell me. But the current normalcy worries me... it's as if I'm kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to go into an episode of mania or depression (I don't wish that on him, of course) so I can see how bad it is, and then I can assess whether I can deal with it...

I like him, of course, but I also don't want to overestimate myself and make promises I cannot keep. I've never met anyone else who's bipolar (or at least that I knew of), so I don't know what to expect. Shall I agree to commit, while knowing that there's a chance I'll break the commitment if his BP starts and I find it too much for me? Or shall I wait and see...? Is there an answer that'll be good for both of us?

Welcome Welkin.

I hope someone comes along soon to discuss this with you. As for me, I don't blame you for wanting a way to gauge how bad it gets so that you can figure out if you can take it or not before committing fully.

welkin said:

I've just begun reading this thread, thank you all for the insightful comments and resources... I've a question that I want to get some perspective from those with BP here...

The guy I've just started dating is probably bipolar. And I am feeling a little lost: He was getting out of his depression when I met him, still taking meds, but otherwise seems perfectly normal to me, I'd never have guessed he was depressed or bipolar if he didn't tell me. But the current normalcy worries me... it's as if I'm kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to go into an episode of mania or depression (I don't wish that on him, of course) so I can see how bad it is, and then I can assess whether I can deal with it...

I like him, of course, but I also don't want to overestimate myself and make promises I cannot keep. I've never met anyone else who's bipolar (or at least that I knew of), so I don't know what to expect. Shall I agree to commit, while knowing that there's a chance I'll break the commitment if his BP starts and I find it too much for me? Or shall I wait and see...? Is there an answer that'll be good for both of us?

Click to expand...

I'm not bipolar nor do I know very much about it, but I do know about waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I get wanting to know what you're up against and how well you can handle it, before committing. The thing is that you still won't known if it gets worse later or if you'll have a harder time handling it during times when you experience other kinds of difficulties in life.
I don't mean to be depressing here, I just want to point out that there are never any guarantees. Bipolar or not, commitment takes time.

Explain "probably bipolar"?

People who struggle with depression do have periods of non-depression, but that doesn't make them bipolar. If it were me, I'd want more information than "probably", including a discussion of coping skills/meds/etc, rather than a manic episode to see "how bad" it could get. Because from experience.... It can get really fucking bad in a heartbeat.

On the other hand, *properly managed*, bipolar has as much impact as allowed.

@CM regarding your advice. I actually had a member of another arts organization ask me my opinion about working with "that man". I was tactful but honest and basically used your advice verbatim. It went very well.

Thanks!

@CM: I wrote probably because I wasn't sure if having had a single episode of mania would qualify him as bipolar, but after doing some research online after that post, my understanding is that he is indeed bipolar.

He's also only had a single episode of depression thus far. Which means he probably isn't very experienced himself in knowing how to deal with it. I could be wrong. I do plan to talk to him soon about it.


@IrisAthea: thank you for putting it in perspective, those are very wise words.

welkin said:

@CM: I wrote probably because I wasn't sure if having had a single episode of mania would qualify him as bipolar, but after doing some research online after that post, my understanding is that he is indeed bipolar.

He's also only had a single episode of depression thus far. Which means he probably isn't very experienced himself in knowing how to deal with it. I could be wrong. I do plan to talk to him soon about it.


@IrisAthea: thank you for putting it in perspective, those are very wise words.

Click to expand...

I am very experienced in dealing with it [as the person dealing with the person who is bipolar]... to the point that I refuse to maintain close relationships with anyone who is diagnosed, but fails to maintain the recommended drug/therapy regimen recommended by their physician.

I'm sure there are many people with that particular illness who are perfectly [or imperfectly] functional without medical intervention; I have too many personal battle scars to risk it.

My best advice would be that your time is better spent educating yourself and talking about the issue as a couple, than waiting for the [eventual] mania to hit/dealing with it then. The depression/mania may present differently over time, shift, find different triggers, etc. IMO it just makes more sense to educate yourself about the disease and how he [and possibly you] plan to manage it.

Deleted

Hey so I'm preparing to go see a shrink to help me deal with my panic issues, anxiety, and phobias. The shitty part is that the only person that is really going to know is my husband, who lives a 3 hour plane ride away from me. In other words, I don't intend on really telling anyone in my family, not even the grandmother I currently live with, because I don't have the spoons to justify myself. I have a doctor that I want to phone up, but gathering the courage to make that first call and appointment is scaring the hell out of me and I don't want to put it off so long that I'm able to convince myself for the umpteenth time that I don't have serious problems that need addressing. Any tips on how to make this first step other than "just do it"?

Also, is it really hard to find a queer/kink friendly doc, or are they getting more common these days? Because the list of friendly docs on official websites are pretty pitiful and none of them take my insurance. I'm wondering what kind of odds are in my favor for this.

Keroin said:

I was hoping you would chime in, BB. Thanks!

Click to expand...

De nada. I should've replied to this post of yours sooner, but I was gathering my thoughts.

Keroin said:

Yeah, I'd be lying if I said I don't feel a small degree of guilt. Not big enough to keep banging my head against that wall but...

Click to expand...

I can't say that I blame you for not wanting to keep doing the same thing over and over. It doesn't really help anybody at this point.

Keroin said:

This is the part I'm really interested in. How self-aware were you back then, would you say?

Click to expand...

Not very, LOL.

Keroin said:

See, this fellow will RAGE, then be contrite and apologetic, then...just pick up like nothing happened and the cycle repeats. So there are moments when I think he gets it, and others where I think he must be the most clueless man on the planet, lol.

And it was hit and miss. I never knew what would set him off. In one meeting, he got so belligerent over a side project that he literally would not let me speak. (And I'm the chair!) In frustration and an attempt to calm the fire, I handed the whole thing over to him to run. He sat on it for two months, did absolutely nothing, then dumped the whole thing back in my lap at the very last minute. So now I get to look like the incompetent idiot. Yay.

When he went into RAGE I just never knew how to handle him.

Click to expand...

I know that, for me, the rage was not only addictive but came with a side of "You're right, and everybody else is stupid" self-righteousness. I'm prone to crusading, even when I'm not whacked out on my own brain chemistry, so that did not go well, as you can imagine. (If you think I was insufferable here, I promise, it was much, much worse in real life. )

It wasn't like being angry. It was something totally different The rage had a life of its own, and everything fueled it. No matter how big or how small it was, everything that happened was filtered through the lens of paranoid delusion. Everyone was out to get me, and I was so full of self-righteous rage because how dare you say that or do that or even just sit there and say or do nothing?!?!?!?! I KNOW you're in on the plot against me, and fuck you for thinking I'm too stupid to realize it!!!!!

Good Lord. It exhausts me just thinking about it. I'm surprised somebody didn't just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Keroin said:

I am sorry to hear that but I am glad you're getting yourself together. I keep reading your posts and being amazed at how fricken amazingly sharp you seem these days. You were always intelligent but now you also seem insightful and level headed. I think you would make an excellent advocate for others who perhaps need some help.

Click to expand...

Thank you.

I still have my days, but I can mostly cope with it now. I've learned most of the early warning signs, so I can stop it before I hit balls to the wall crazy (usually). Funnily enough, the rage is one of the first things to come back. When I feel myself getting irrationally angry about stupid little things, I know it's time to do something.

I would love to advocate for other people. It's something I've thought about for awhile. I just have no clue how you'd go about doing something like that, LOL.

Keroin said:

As for this person, I have serious doubts he'll get it together. It will take something huge, I think, to push him into seriously seeking help. I'm shocked he's held his life together as well as he has.

Click to expand...

Unfortunately, that's usually what happens. Most people have to hit rock bottom before they'll get better. Some of us even have to bounce a few times.

Keroin said:

LOL. I loved what you had to say. Thanks.

Click to expand...

You're most welcome.

welkin said:

I've just begun reading this thread, thank you all for the insightful comments and resources... I've a question that I want to get some perspective from those with BP here...

The guy I've just started dating is probably bipolar. And I am feeling a little lost: He was getting out of his depression when I met him, still taking meds, but otherwise seems perfectly normal to me, I'd never have guessed he was depressed or bipolar if he didn't tell me. But the current normalcy worries me... it's as if I'm kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to go into an episode of mania or depression (I don't wish that on him, of course) so I can see how bad it is, and then I can assess whether I can deal with it...

I like him, of course, but I also don't want to overestimate myself and make promises I cannot keep. I've never met anyone else who's bipolar (or at least that I knew of), so I don't know what to expect. Shall I agree to commit, while knowing that there's a chance I'll break the commitment if his BP starts and I find it too much for me? Or shall I wait and see...? Is there an answer that'll be good for both of us?

Click to expand...

I'm going to be real with you: If you're at this early of a point in the relationship, and you're already thinking about exit plans just in case it's too much for you to handle, do both of y'all a favor and go on and leave now.

I hope that the idea your therapist has is useful to you.

Beth87 said:

My therapist has suggested I have DIssociative identity disorder. Low on the scale but still there. I take breaks from this site frequently to protect my littles.

It's difficult to really wrap my head around. Obviously ive been functioning this way for a long time and I keep my parts well kept and managed a lot of the time. But now that I have "permission" to speak from all parts rather than just my logical head..it makes me realise how much they all play a role in my day to day living. Sometimes I want to go back and have this all secret to me.

Click to expand...

You know you've wanted to get help for a long time and when you don't you've gotten to this point again and again?

I hope you do it this time. I'm not at all sure about the number of kink friendly practitioners is kink germane to your issues with panic and anxiety?

KoPilot said:

Hey so I'm preparing to go see a shrink to help me deal with my panic issues, anxiety, and phobias. The shitty part is that the only person that is really going to know is my husband, who lives a 3 hour plane ride away from me. In other words, I don't intend on really telling anyone in my family, not even the grandmother I currently live with, because I don't have the spoons to justify myself. I have a doctor that I want to phone up, but gathering the courage to make that first call and appointment is scaring the hell out of me and I don't want to put it off so long that I'm able to convince myself for the umpteenth time that I don't have serious problems that need addressing. Any tips on how to make this first step other than "just do it"?

Also, is it really hard to find a queer/kink friendly doc, or are they getting more common these days? Because the list of friendly docs on official websites are pretty pitiful and none of them take my insurance. I'm wondering what kind of odds are in my favor for this.

Click to expand...

BiBunny said:

I'm going to be real with you: If you're at this early of a point in the relationship, and you're already thinking about exit plans just in case it's too much for you to handle, do both of y'all a favor and go on and leave now.

Click to expand...

I don't think I can just leave now. I'm trying to gather as much information as I can, and ultimately, I do think he is worth it all. I may change my mind in the future, but for now, I just want to do what we both want, which is to be together with him. (Well, yes, the relationship is still in the early stage, but I will do my best to evaluate him for how he treats me -- as I would in any other relationship -- and not let BD color my judgment.)

However I do find CM's words enlightening, in that it is important to establish some hard limits in the relationship particularly with regards to BD, e.g. perfect medical compliance and no substance abuse. I plan to discuss these with him soon.