Breathe!

Comments and critiques please



Breathe!



He tells me to breathe
But the pain is too real
Short hampered whimpers
Are all that escape
Taken by lust
In a dance of pain

Bound mid center room
Strapped to a table
All sides …no walls
Lined with trinkets and toys
He wishes to play …
And I so willingly obey
To appease such desires
Of his lusting soul
I shall remain
In lust …in pain
His object of obsession

He tells me to breathe
Whips and belts
Clamps and balls
Chains extracted from my heart
Like darkened rosaries,
burned upon my broken flesh
Floggers and crops
Blessed sinful toys
Such sadistic pleasures
Upon my naked body met
To feed his deviant mind

He tells me to breathe
In lustful tears
My whimpers escape
Strike upon welted strike
Flayed, flesh and soul
Clamps and stings
Devouring passions felt
Like a vile of liquid fire
Ripping through my veins
Rapt in his bed of pain

He tells me to breathe
Scorned in tears
Now freely flowing
enamored by his touch,
caressed so gently
to hold back the fears
again, he tells me to breathe
quivering in pain sincere
I’ve forgotten to breathe

His voice like angels songs
catered whispers in my ear
From heaven sent
Like an erotic choir
Echoing through my mind
Raptured sounds of ecstasy
... Breathe ...

My cries are but music
Upon his sadistic ears
In cadence to his gentle touch
Slight with slap and sting
He so vigorously enters me
Without remorse or pause
thrusted into my lusting core
I scream out his name
As he releases me …
Baring sweet ecstasy
Upon his neurotic flesh
My body is claimed

Taken by need
Kept by trust
Bound unto him
Forever, my sacred lover
my sin, my Master …my soul!

Hi and welcome. If you love poetry and Lit you are definitely in the right place!

I read all three of your poems and I like this one best. In all your poems there are some great metaphors, but this one is the most direct and allows me as the reader to see the picture you are painting. I think in all your poems you need to lose the passive voice as much as possible. Also be careful of your word choices. This is good:

Like darkened rosaries,
burned upon my broken flesh

but "Chains melded to my heart" sounds cliched (and too general) and "melded" sends the wrong image.

Anyway I am very opinionated lol, but if any of this helps, good! No doubt others will share their opinions. We do that alot here but it's a pretty friendly place.

Do you read much poetry? Got any favorite poets?

If you post more poems (please do), will you post them in this thread? It's easier for everyone that way. If you have submissions here, you can link that too.

Nice to meet you.

Hi Thank you soooo very kindly for your feedback! That is officially why I am here ...as I have no official training other then my self ensued obsession and I want to publish my first book ...and well we must admit there are not very many poetry open topic sites out there that I have seen that is ...

I understand what you are saying about melded ...though it sounds good ...I went with "Chains torn from my heart" ...was thinking torn or born ...but I think it plays better. hmmm maybe cast would be better ...maybe still not intense enough

Can I ask what you mean by the passive voice ?

please be as opinionated as possible as it will only help me to improve my obsession ...I do not read poetry I never have ...not books or poetry ...told myself when I was a little girl I would never read because I wanted to write and I wanted my words to be my own and not influenced silly kid thoughts heh ...however, I like Poe and Bryce and Shakespeare of course ...

thank you for telling me about posting on the same thread ...I was unaware ...as its my first time actually posting on this site ...I truly hope this site is good as I have been looking for one for a long time and just got informed about this one!

Forever Paid

Forever Paid



Vexed with guilt
In a veil of gossamer robes
Adorning my hidden dreams

Blood red tears
Rain down my flesh
In embers of a devils kiss

Enshrouded, encased
Sheathed upon the shelf
the chasm of my blistering heart

The vacancy of my being
Entombed with sorrow
Bonded with shame of self

The embalming of desires
In the visage of my broken wings
Ensued in the catacombs of my mind

Frailty and destitution in life
Transcend to unfathomed depths
In the abyss of my tainted soul

The grandeur of infinity
In eternal rest to my last debt
Forever paid.



honest critiques most welcome

The Obedient Ones

A sacred call of the storm
Cast in rapture of lovers
tantalizing vast in emotions
In the quiet calm it begins
in soft and gentle pitter patters
as liquid gold from the heaven sent
Trickling down upon Earthly flesh
Claiming rightful dominance of all

In this dance of lovers
its command is heard
in the crackling of thunder
the roaring cry of its rage
to awaken such passions
in the depths of our being
As a Master to a lover
its message is sent

The skies now open vast
Tempered rains descend
Upon our Earthly womb
Its lusting kisses met
In sheets of purifying fury
Straight from heavens descent
To cleanse our barren flesh
And heed a Masters call

Lightning strikes in the night
Shattering the sky with intensity
In blinding flashes of ecstasy
Surging sensations to our hearts
Like a whip to our minds
Such fervor does it arise
In a sacred dance of power
Enticing ambiance to a lover
At the command of our being
A Masters power ensued.

Let this storm never end
Baring flesh, body and soul
Descending passion and power
From the heavens collar adorned
Eternally bound and gifted
To a Masters raging command
Let us forever remain
The obedient ones


honest critiques most welcome

My Name

-------

Hi, Sinseria.

Here's one thing that bothers me about your posts:

Sinseria said:

...I do not read poetry I never have ...not books or poetry ...told myself when I was a little girl I would never read because I wanted to write and I wanted my words to be my own and not influenced silly kid thoughts heh ...however, I like Poe and Bryce and Shakespeare of course ...

Click to expand...

If you don't know anything about poetry--don't read it at all, by your own admission--how do you know what you are writing is poetry, let alone good poetry?

And why should I comment on it (and why would you value my commentary), when that statement basically tells me you aren't serious about writing poetry?

I'd like to welcome you and your writing, but you aren't giving me any reason to do so.

I meant no offense to you and I apologize if I have done so ...as I also stated in that very same reply ...I wanted to write my own words ...not borrowed words from others works ...but that is was also a childhood thought ... I have read poetry from other people as I also stated I liked for favorited Poe and Bryce and Shakespeare ...and yes have not read full books ...I do not know if what I write is considered poetry by labeled terms and definitions ...And I do not know if anything I write is good or even worth anyone reading ...that's why I am here as I have truly never shared my writings before outside of fetlife and here now ...I write by emotion not by structor ...I try to paint pictures with my words and give emotion ...to allow the reader hopefully to feel what I am writing ...I live through my words hell I have even sat at my computer crying to the poems I have written ...there is no way for me to prove to you that I am serious about poetry about writing ...if I am not at work I am writing hell even at work running verses through my head ..even make sure I send it in a text message to myself when I get a good line so I don't forget it by the time I get home ...I could if you wanted post every poem I have composed on my computer right now ...but what we would be here for years ...only a couple because I got a computer virus a couple years back and lost almost everything

Again I do apologize if I offended you because I stated I didn't read others works ...I didn't realize it would define me as a non serious writer

The Poet

The Poet

I am the troubled soul of emotion …
the feelings that never end.
I am the raging storm in the skies …
the gentle waves caressing the shores.
I am the tantalizing whispers of the wind …
the serenity of the vibrant sunset hues.
I am the happiness in life and laughter …
the belief and power in religious faith.
I am the longing of a dreamer’s dream ...
the joy in a mother’s sacred womb.
I am the honor of achievements acquired …
the wishful hope of a child’s soul.
I am the sorrow in the loss of innocence …
the passion in a lover’s dance.
I am the emptiness of a shattered heart …
the scorned influence of a thousand tears.
I am the despair of an unanswered prayer …
the pain of welted flesh of a masochist ensued.
I am the craving of blood drawn shame …
the sublime meaning of a saint.
I am the neurotic soul of a sinner …
the yearning of untested desires.
I am the lust in a slave’s being …
the shame of a whore’s body.
I am the devotion in a subservient soul …
the will of a Master’s need.
I am the love bonded and forever claimed …
the craven fear of being utterly alone.
I am the hate of myself inflicted soul …
the madness of corrupted nightmares.
I am the forgiveness in the depths of suicide …
the deceit in a web of lies.
I am the taint in a bed of death …
the inflicted light in the darkness.
I am the vengeance of emotions …
the accursed misery of tomorrow.
I am the tempered path to heaven and hell …
the sensations of the sea that can never be contained.
I am the feelings of the mind, body, heart and soul …
the deprived delusions of me.
I am the wounded bearer of my soul …
the obsession of a poet a wielder of words.
I am the emotions of life …and I feel them all

Double posted from lag or something I suppose from typing on my cell

Blades of Sin

honest critiques are always welcome


Blades of Sin


My judgment cast
Before I was born
Trapped in a cycle of death
As if an infected corpse
Cut from my mother’s womb
And so I was born
A ball of infested flesh
With blade in hand
My scars began

I traversed a path
Of mental sin so deep
That the depths of hell
Opened their arms freely
Took me by the hand
Bestowed upon me a dowry
Embraced with admiration and love
And called it a timeless offering
To appease my pain and suffering
To humble my feeble soul
For the filth carved in my heart

Upon bended knee
I laid down my soul
In a bed of blades
A single dagger to arise
For every tear spent
As was their gift to me
My precious dowry
Each blade my name engraved
“sin, lust, pain, slave”
The sacred steel tipped
With poison from my veins
Slices cut from my flesh
As penance to purge
My detested soul

Another drop of mortal blood
Descending sacred steel
Spent across the sea of blades
As a atonement for my vile ways
Scorned in a thousand tears
Adorned with my shame
Carved upon my broken flesh
The untested blood of misery
Left with only a devouring pain
Met upon my poisoned heart
As an ode to a funeral pyre
Kept upon the blades
Bound, chained shackled …engraved
Upon the weight of my broken soul
Entombed with my disgrace
Given to the infection within
As my life began it will surely end
Born on the blades of sin

Testimony of Sin

Testimony of Sin



A single ring
Secured to the ceiling
Bearing hemp ropes
In perfect length, perfect strength
Two single strands descend
As a lariat to my soul
Hands bound tight
Above my head
Entwined in strands
Of binding braids
Intruding into my wrists
Trailing tears of blood
From my wanting veins
As the cords descend further
Traversing my whorish skin
Sheltering around my neck
Encircled, claiming my very breath
Akin to a collar forcefully engraved
Enduring its advancing shame
As it embeds around each breast
Causing sacred shades of crimsons hues
Like fevered manacles upon my soul
As it cascades around my body
Spiraling down my naked back
Coiling around my vixen flesh
As a snake impedes its captive
Extruding all of my impurities
In vulgar binding separation
To the parting of my lustful legs
Bereft of all freedoms
Like a steeple
My body is erected
In perfect pose and fully exposed
To my sadistic Masters whims
As he does implore
Such baneful obsessions
And cardinal sins
With sadistic kisses
And refinement of my flesh
Tempered stings and welted pains
Corrosive passions rage
In the vexation of his wills
As my porcelain skin
Burns scarlet red
Painted in fervor bliss
Rapture strokes of ecstasy
Screaming cries of havoc sincere
Trembling breath in whimpers
In branded tears tattered
Bound in the effigy
Of our sainted carnal needs
Swinging like a pendulum
To the darkness within
Intriguing wounds of lust
Caressing the depths
Of our wanton souls
Enshrined defilement
To the carnage of our minds
Submitting in tainted wetness
Upon my blistering skin
In a seductive and diabolical
Testimony of sin

Sinseria said:

I meant no offense to you and I apologize if I have done so ...as I also stated in that very same reply ...I wanted to write my own words ...not borrowed words from others works ...but that is was also a childhood thought ... I have read poetry from other people as I also stated I liked for favorited Poe and Bryce and Shakespeare ...and yes have not read full books ...I do not know if what I write is considered poetry by labeled terms and definitions ...And I do not know if anything I write is good or even worth anyone reading ...that's why I am here as I have truly never shared my writings before outside of fetlife and here now ...I write by emotion not by structor ...I try to paint pictures with my words and give emotion ...to allow the reader hopefully to feel what I am writing ...I live through my words hell I have even sat at my computer crying to the poems I have written ...there is no way for me to prove to you that I am serious about poetry about writing ...if I am not at work I am writing hell even at work running verses through my head ..even make sure I send it in a text message to myself when I get a good line so I don't forget it by the time I get home ...I could if you wanted post every poem I have composed on my computer right now ...but what we would be here for years ...only a couple because I got a computer virus a couple years back and lost almost everything

Again I do apologize if I offended you because I stated I didn't read others works ...I didn't realize it would define me as a non serious writer

Click to expand...

Hi. I don't mean to speak for Tzara but I don't think he meant to suggest that you are not serious about your writing. I imagine he was trying to understand. You've said that you have read other poets and mentioned a few you like, but you've also said you don't want others' writings to influence your words. Do you think your writing would be less legitimate or authentic if you read more?

I'm really interested in what you think. Here's why: unless you are writing strictly for yourself, you are writing for an audience, for readers. Readers need to understand what you mean and experience something of what you intended when you wrote it--otherwise your poem has not communicated. And when I say "you," I mean any writer.

I would say the poems you've posted do communicate somewhat, some better than others. And yes you make punctuation mistakes but most do, at times. But the real issue I see in your writing is that it's general and often cliched. It's often unconnected across groups of lines so that I, a reader, need to stop repeatedly and try to figure out what is happening. That's never fun for a reader. Also you mostly are telling me stuff instead of using language to let me experience it as I read. And your subject matter has been written here at Lit thousands of times. That doesn't mean it's bad subject matter, but that your poem has to be more interesting or grab me in some way cause I've read so many like it.

If you really want to get beyond where you are now, you need to do more than write till your fingers bleed. You have to read and study so you can compare your poems to what you read. It's practice: if you do it steadily, you learn and then improve.

But maybe you just want to write for you. Fine, but why would feedback even matter then? There's nothing wrong with writing just for yourself, but I do believe that most on this forum are pretty concerned with poetry beyond the first draft. And we are mostly big readers. No offense meant, labels intended or apologies necessary. Just saying that's how it rolls here!

I must say I am a bit taken back by these statements ...not sure exactly where to start my reply ...

I was 12 years old if not even younger then that when I had that thought about not reading peoples work ...12 ...as I said a little girl ...a silly thought ...12 ...i am so sorry I made that comment ...was hoping for an ice breaker ......yes I am certain it would be a great big help to me if I studied and read others works ...I don't study them though I read them ...I close my mind and I read Shakespeare for what he is writing ...or Bryce ...or any other poem I read ...not comparing them to each other because every single poem and word used in our vocabulary is cliché ...some probably way more then others ...like the melded that we discussed ...I want to enjoy what the writer of said such poem has to say ...and not thinking so and so did it this way which means its better ...every poem or piece of writing has its own essence ...I want to be able to feel the words ...if it connects it connects ...if its powerful its powerful ...that is what I am trying to do with my writings ...and yes up until recently like 4 months ago I never shared my work ...it was all just a self ensued obsession for my own mental psychosis ...and I assure you with every poem I have posted here has been through the chopping block no less then 10 times ...these are so by far not first drafts ...I am not sure if that's how you feel about my writings or if it was just broad statement ...as I know you are a moderator of this page so I am certain you have read more erotica poems then I could possibly imagine ...I am not here to get rich and sell millions of books ...I am here to feed my obsession and welcome honest critique ...which one of my poems here couldn't you follow? let me know please so I can learn from that (besides the poet ...its meant to be that way) ...which one of this did you find to be telling you stuff instead of using language to let you feel it? ....apparently that one I really need to look at as that is what I am trying to do is let the reader feel ...but I am so very new to writing erotica ...I joined fet found a poetry page and thought ...maybe nobody knows who I am ...so I posted a couple and they met with great reviews ...then I started writing erotica ...believe it or not I have only been writing that for less then 4 months ...but those met with greater reviews ...someone actually suggested I should publish ...some suggested I should come here if I wanted critique, help and honest reviews I didn't come here to get trashed or to offend people ...I came here to find like minded people with the same love for writing and poetry and word usage to share writings and learn from each other ...apparently I don't think I have made that connection or my writing is just that horrendously horrible ...and yes I by far know my punctuation is horrible I know that ...as I posted on my first ever post to this page ...

Sinseria - welcome to the forum. take a moment, take a breath. you're not offending people and you're not being trashed.

we've all lives tolead and our own writing to work on, so you shouldn't expect people to all dive in straight away with indepth opinions on your own. plus, when you put so many up at once it's a little overwhelming. critique/opinions take time and consideration. it's absolutely ok to use this one thread to put lots up (i do the same myself, as a place to keep them all together), but you might find it takes a while for any comments.

i will try to visit one or two over therest of the week, but i suggest you take a look around the forum, read what others are producing here, leave some comments of your own, even join in the challenges.

your friend was correct: this is a great place to come, learn, develop your skills.

thank you Butters for the warm invite and welcome ...I guess I did put up a few to many to start with ...its that obsessive gene coming out :/ ...sometimes gets the best of me ....was just trying to show that I am a serious writer ...in responses to previous messages ...

Angeline was kind enough to tell me about putting all the poems into one thread to not spam the boards and make it easier for people.

heh writing for me is like a life long crack addict without crack

just been on the site 2 days have been looking around ...learning what the challenges are and everything ...thought about doing that erotica pic / writing one ...but I have to figure out how to upload a picture !

and thank you again!

-

Sinseria said:

I meant no offense to you and I apologize if I have done so ...as I also stated in that very same reply ...I wanted to write my own words ...not borrowed words from others works ...but that is was also a childhood thought ... I have read poetry from other people as I also stated I liked for favorited Poe and Bryce and Shakespeare ...and yes have not read full books ...I do not know if what I write is considered poetry by labeled terms and definitions ...And I do not know if anything I write is good or even worth anyone reading ...that's why I am here as I have truly never shared my writings before outside of fetlife and here now ...I write by emotion not by structor ...I try to paint pictures with my words and give emotion ...to allow the reader hopefully to feel what I am writing ...I live through my words hell I have even sat at my computer crying to the poems I have written ...there is no way for me to prove to you that I am serious about poetry about writing ...if I am not at work I am writing hell even at work running verses through my head ..even make sure I send it in a text message to myself when I get a good line so I don't forget it by the time I get home ...I could if you wanted post every poem I have composed on my computer right now ...but what we would be here for years ...only a couple because I got a computer virus a couple years back and lost almost everything

Again I do apologize if I offended you because I stated I didn't read others works ...I didn't realize it would define me as a non serious writer

Click to expand...

You did not offend me. You just made me irritated. That's not the same thing.

The forum often gets people who think that poetry is simply what they write. No other qualifiers.

So here's what I mean by "serious." Not that you aren't committed to writing; I know nothing about that and take your word for it that you are very dedicated to writing poems, revise them multiple times, etc. To my way of thinking, though (and it is mine, of course, so you are free to disagree), you are not serious about poetry unless you are serious about learning its craft, and you can't learn its craft unless you read (lots of) other poets, study their techniques and tropes, how they deploy them in their poems, what effect they have on the reader.

I mean, think about it. Would a painter who didn't know anything about Da Vinci or Monet or Rothko have any credibility? A composer who didn't know anything about Mozart or Beethoven?

If you think poetry is simply about expressing your own feelings, without regard to a reader, then we have nothing in common to talk about. That isn't meant to be a criticism, just a statement.

Most writing programs I'm aware of would say it's actually more important for you to read other poems and poets critically than it is to write your own work. It's study of what works is what makes the difference.

You seem to like to use anaphora, though. Like Ginsberg.

BTW, you might want to try the Five Senses Challenge, which makes you reference all five senses in your poem. It's a good challenge because everyone tends to write poems with visual images. And things smell and taste and sound and feel as well.

I am going to start with saying omgds I loved that "howl" poem you linked from Ginsberg ...I am definitely going to go check out more of his/her work when I am finished here I did really like that and never heard of that author before ...

is it not a females job to irritate a man

I am sure there are a lot of people that come and go ...that are not serious about poetry ...you automatically assumed I didn't know anything about poetry ...you didn't ask if I had taken classes ...or gone to college and taken English classes ...you didn't ask me if I had studied under anyone ...albeit I will admit I have done all 3 of those ...sadly, none of them sent me to read or shared in what you feel as the importance behind poetry ...be it their bad or my bad for not doing so doesn't matter it doesn't make me any less of a writer ....that's why I am here ...I've studied the words and the usage of words ...the words have always been my medium ...as you can tell for most part I don't write in structure or format ...not that I don't know them ...most besides anaphora that yes I do write ...are free style ...spoken verse ...or more story telling and probably to wordy for most to be considered poetry ...and I have no idea if any of them are any good ...also partly why I am here ...as being an artist as well I know about the study ...I draw pencils / charcoal ..paint ...oil is my choice of medium ...a very unforgiving medium ...I know the difference between learning the craft and the bushes the strokes and type of paints and techniques ...learning the technique is one thing ...but plagiarism is a whole different ball game people go to jail for that kinda stuff! ...I am learning my own words and my own style ...

as for your statement about poetry being self expression of emotions without regard to the reader ...up until 4 months ago ...my writings where just that ...but I am learning a new passion and appreciation for writing ...this is my life my expression and its all entering into a whole knew world for me as to being regarded for the readers ...that's why I am here to help to learn and improve ...however, if you feel that poetry is not about self expression or emotions ...this is where we will differ ...poetry is passion it is power and love and sorrow and every emotion known to man ...it doesn't matter if you write in perfect structure format and punctuation ...if there is no emotion or feeling ...it is not poetry to me ...again that is just my opinion because lots of people like that mundane casual style of thing.

I will partake in the 5 senses challenge it shall be fun once I am finished with the ones I am working on now

Incessant Claim

here is an example of a tempered word play for you sir ...hope this will help you understand where my studies have lead me ...


Incessant Claim


Amorous breath of life
Wishful words coveted
Mused from a Master
In a dream conceived

Come now my child
Kneel in obeisance
Profess your sins
Relinquish your soul
Bear onto me your veil of secrecy
Upon the lips of debauchery
We shall concede to our privations
Convey unto me your aspirations
And I shall provide the sanctuary
Bound in perdition of our purgatory
In the acquiescent of our carnal obsessions

Come now my child
Remember my name
I will sustain you
In divergence of self
And defiance of sin
I will show you the way
Through passion and pain
Your flesh is my deliverance
Cast in projection of my perversions
Lustrated in lacerations of torment
Your lust is my amusement
A vassal of obscene liberations
Tempered in sensual eroticism
Your mind is my playground
My obedient neurosis of power
With control and fervor devoured
Your heart is my prey
My benefactor of indulgences
My fiendish essence of fire
Purged in lenience
Come my tainted angel
Dance with me in darkness
My subservient sexual slave

Heed not your blindness
In the recession of your mind
Abandon all reservations
Transfuse atonement into oblivion
Upon vigilance of our need
Convey in absolution
The binding loyalty in oath
Sworn to our neurotic souls
In the vexes of our afflictions
Accede to my dominion
In a creed to my incessant claim

I think "Breathe" has much potential, Sinseria.

If you would like to how a then relative newcomer, Tsotha, worked with the perspective of others here and turned a rough draft into a well crafted poem, this thread is a great case study:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1002626

okay, Sinseria, here are just a few observations - me thinking aloud, if you will

bearing in mind the topic isn't my thing, maybe it takes more to get me to buy into it as a reader: a good poet can reach beyond a limited audience.

Sinseria said:

Comments and critiques please



Breathe!



He tells me to breathe ok, control established
But the pain is too real gives me some context/framework
Short hampered whimpers while my eye/ear appreciates the sound-play in hampered whimpers, and it's awkward in the mouth enough to create a sense of discomfort = good, my brain insists on seeing small hamsters. my bad...
Are all that escape
Taken by lust
In a dance of pain ok, yeah, definitely established the scenario, like your use of 'dance of pain'

Bound mid center room awkward phrasing. sometimes details can be left to the reader to supply.
Strapped to a table
All sides …no walls this line works well for me if you drop line 1, sort of Strapped to a table/In a room all sides - no walls ... gives that sense of being in the centre of a space without the clunky stating it as you currently have in L1
Lined with trinkets and toys
He wishes to play … ok, as a reader, this feels like a step back. hasn't he already begun playing?
And I so willingly obey
To appease such desires
Of his lusting soul
I shall remain
In lust …in pain
His object of obsession lust/ lusting/ lust - overkill?

He tells me to breathe repetition here does work, imo
Whips and belts
Clamps and balls
Chains extracted from my heart confused expression/image
Like darkened rosaries, much better
burned upon my broken flesh
Floggers and crops
Blessed sinful toys
Such sadistic pleasures
Upon my naked body met
To feed his deviant mind seeing it, but since i hate pain i'm still not 'feeling it'. your 'darkened rosaries' DOES extend its reach, the rest, not so much.

He tells me to breathe
In lustful tears yeah, i get it. lustful. you're hitting me over the head with a hammer here.
My whimpers escape
Strike upon welted strike
Flayed, flesh and soul
Clamps and stings
Devouring passions felt all tell, no show
Like a vile of liquid fire vial not vile, no need for Like
Ripping through my veins
Rapt in his bed of pain these last 3 lines work much better, imo, and i like the sound/image play between rapt/wrapped in my head. so here you are, engaging me now as a reader

A vial of liquid fire
Ripping through my veins
Rapt in his bed of pain - written like this it works for me. and i HATE pain! but it communicates, which is key to making things work.

He tells me to breathe the reps work for me, lend structure, bring the poem back to a certain point, like edging....
Scorned in tears ? confusing line
Now freely flowing
enamored by his touch, yeah, confusion continues in your phrasing and that comma makes it read as if it's the tears that are 'enamoured'. and what's with the change from capitalisation of 1st word each line to no longer doing so? is it meant to reflect something i'm not understanding? entirely possible - anything to do with the D/s thing or the pain/gentleness contrast? i'm reaching here to try to understand the makeup of this write but, even with understanding, i'm not sure the structuring adds anything to the overall impression. others may find differently.
caressed so gently
to hold back the fears
again, he tells me to breathe do these 2 lines add anything? if you drop them, do they affect the overall message/impression? i don't think they do; i find them cluttering. by streamlining a bit, your write would have greater impact.
quivering in pain sincere
I’ve forgotten to breathe 'sincere' feels dropped in for a rhme that's not needed - without it, these 2 lines have more power and i can again engage, sense that breathlessness.

His voice like angels songs angels'
catered whispers in my ear catered whispers just feels/reads very off
From heaven sent
Like an erotic choir you don't need Like, losing it doesn't change the line
Echoing through my mind
Raptured sounds of ecstasy same here, dropping 'sounds' ... re reading, raptured and ecstasy together? maybe 'Echoing through a mind in ecstasy in rapture
... Breathe ... dropping this to a line on its own prolongs the sensation of holding ones breath, brings it back on focus again like the master's voice breaking through the fog of pain/ecstasy

My cries are but music but is superfluous
Upon his sadistic ears
In cadence to his gentle touch
Slight with slap and sting
He so vigorously enters me
Without remorse or pause
thrusted into my lusting core
I scream out his name
As he releases me …
Baring sweet ecstasy
Upon his neurotic flesh neurotic flesh is the only bit that grabs my attention. it's different, reaches further, involves the mind beyond the flesh. in other words, lifts the write by adding dimension beyond the cliche
My body is claimed

Taken by need
Kept by trust
Bound unto him
Forever, my sacred lover
my sin, my Master …my soul!

Click to expand...

i don't think telling works against this last part; first 2 lines act as an iteration of a D/s relationship (so far as i am aware). do you need 'unto'? feels contrived, more role play to this outsider.

in total, you lost me as a reader in many places. however, by streamlining, losing the clutter/cliches, paying greater attention to what you're doing with capitalisation/other punctuation, and by possibly adding more of the cerebral element to this, you could breathe a little more fire into it. you did have some good expressions/images

all just my opinions, i won't be offended if you decide anything i've suggested doesn't work for you.

Here are some of my thoughts, Sinseria. I'll focus on the first 3 stanzas. There is plenty there, some of which has relevance for the rest of the poem.

Very nice start with the first stanza, and "in a dance of pain" is powerful as others have commented. Because of it and the shortness of the stanza, I'm not convinced that line 2 is necessary. "Hampered whimpers" and "dance of pain" say it well in my opinion, which leads me to my next point: redundancy.

Repetition can be very effective to produce a dramatic effect. Breath is so fundamental to life, it works very well in your Dom-sub poem. In fact, "B - r - e - a - t - h - e" to my ear has that onomatopoetic effect poets sometimes try to create. I imagine the B as pursed lips holding the breathe until allowed to exhale the rest of the word.

Where redundancy does not work for me as a reader is in words that produce in my mind something already envisioned in the poem and I don't need to be reminded about it again. I think butters' words were "Yeah, I get it." In fact, you run the risk of boring the reader.

A great exercise is to take out a line when you edit and ask yourself is anything lost because of it. For example, in the 3rd stanza, if you removed "Such sadistic pleasures" and "To feed his deviant mind" would it change anything?

A better grammatical construction for stanza 2 would be

He wishes to play …
And I so willingly obey
Bound mid center room
Strapped to a table
All sides …no walls
Lined with trinkets and toys

Your version gave me the initial impression it was he who was bound, strapped, and lined.

"Chains extracted from my heart/Like darkened rosaries" is outstanding.

As I said in my earlier post, this has a lot of potential.

Sinseria I'm sorry if I offended you in any way or made you feel I think you only do first draft writing. That really was not my intention at all. I think you are getting some great feedback here and I'm glad for that. Like butters said, try some of the challenges if you like--there's lots here. And remember that anything I say (or anyone here says for that matter) is simply opinion. If it's helpful to you that's great, but if not just ignore it. That's what I do with feedback: use what I can, ignore what I can't use, appreciate it all.

This is by far ALOT of information ...thank you both for breaking it down and taking your time ...even though it isn't your thing butters I do appreciate it ...I did see the awkward phrasing ...really good at that its something hard for me to see because it sounds normal in my head ...I did go with a lot of the suggestions ...some I vetoed ...Sorry butters had to keep ...had to keep caressed so gently to hold back the fears ...that's kind of meant like the calm ...the pause from the pain to be brought back into reality ...kind of like edging from the pain in a sense ...at least I only assume that's what it would be like ...I did make a bit of changes on my own to bring it all together with the changes ...spent a few hours traversing it over ...and I love the B R E A T H E idea that really plays well I think! ...ok so I will instead of babbling about changes I will post it and ...well we shall see!

so I did like gut the last stanza ...as I wasn't to clear on your critique Butter ...if the neurotic made the paragraph not so cliché or of it was just all needed to be changed but that so feel free to let me know if I should keep with the previous one or stick with this ...


and again thank you guys for your critiques and assistance! I really do appreciate it!

Breathe!


He tells me to breathe
But the pain is too real
Taken by lust
In a dance of pain

He wishes to play …
And I so willingly obey
Strapped to a table
All sides …no walls
Lined with trinkets and toys
To appease such desires
Of his deviant soul
I shall remain
His obsession
In pains passion

Whips and belts
Clamps and balls
Floggers and crops
Blessed sinful toys
Scorned upon my soul
Bound by chains
Extracted from my heart
Like darkened rosaries,
Burned upon my broken flesh

He tells me to breathe
My whimpers escape
Strike upon welted strike
Flayed, flesh and soul
Clamps and stings
Tempered afflictions
On blood drawn flesh
A vial of liquid fire
Ripping through my veins
Rapt in his bed of pain

He tells me to breathe
My tears freely flowing
Enamored by his touch
Caressed so gently
To hold back the fears
Again, he tells me to breathe
Quivering in pain
I’ve forgotten to breathe

His voice is the tainted sin
Raging in the mist of fury
From the fires of hell descend
Cast upon my narcotic soul
Filling my flesh and mind
With sutures of distain
Cracked as a whip
In the depths of oblivion
Captured in ecstasy
To bring back my pain


B-R-E-A-T-H-E ...

My ravished cries
Transcend his sadistic bliss
In cadence to his gentle touch
Slight with slap and sting
In a bed of carnal ecstasy
Allured by his neurotic soul
Sanctified by need
Ordained by trust
Bound forever in pain