Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > Poetry Feedback & Discussion

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 07-03-2018, 07:45 PM   #876
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
not sure that one's quite cooked yet ^^

suggestions always listened to and thought about
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 07-03-2018, 10:06 PM   #877
HarryHill
Just Chilling
 
HarryHill's Avatar
 
HarryHill is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: 7 miles from Backwater
Posts: 8,184
Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
eyes of the dead

let's not pretend:
we don't close the eyes of the dead
to seal out visions from their gaze--
fixed, uncompromised,
oblivious to flies that
buzz, feed, shit, breed,
to grit, pollen, rain, or light.

pennies, laid, add weight;
some pray, to bolster hope
for sensibilities demand
they stay that way.

should cold eyes remain unveiled,
we are compelled:
imagine,
consider possibilities.


eye to eye we are
connected.
we are exposed.

it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes.
..
love this, I think it should start the poem
__________________

Fairyland Theatre a three act comedy in prose and poetry... A sheened pearl of ice in the feeble dawn,
cracked, flawed, a chip gone, ghostly quiet in a misty fen, shattered with the first roar, melted with flames.


0 days accident free


"I'll never be a poet" - The Harry
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-04-2018, 03:00 PM   #878
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
..
love this, I think it should start the poem
that was my thinking... it was the line that began the idea of the poem; i thought putting it at the front might be too obvious, but i do agree (again) it's a solid start. but then how to end?

thankyou x
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 07-04-2018, 03:15 PM   #879
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
eyes of the dead

let's not pretend:
we don't close the eyes of the dead
to seal out visions from their gaze--
fixed, uncompromised,
oblivious to flies that
buzz, feed, shit, breed,
to grit, pollen, rain, or light.

pennies, laid, add weight;
some pray, to bolster hope
for sensibilities demand
they stay that way.

should cold eyes remain unveiled,
we are compelled:
imagine,
consider possibilities.


eye to eye we are
connected.
we are exposed.

it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes.
revision 1:

eyes of the dead


it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes
seal celestial visions from their gaze
place stones or pennies on closed lids
and pray they stay that way...

unveiled eyes compel
eye to eye we are connected
our sensibilities exposed
we
imagine

it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is more how i wrote it first, but not the same - didn't know if it was too obscure and needed expanding. i prefer it more concise, it's true.

overkill, using that phrase twice so close together?
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 07-04-2018, 04:37 PM   #880
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
 
greenmountaineer is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,412
Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
revision 1:

eyes of the dead


it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes
seal celestial visions from their gaze
place stones or pennies on closed lids
and pray they stay that way...

unveiled eyes compel
eye to eye we are connected
our sensibilities exposed
we
imagine

it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is more how i wrote it first, but not the same - didn't know if it was too obscure and needed expanding. i prefer it more concise, it's true.

overkill, using that phrase twice so close together?
I like the concise version. “seal celestial visions in their gaze” sounds better to me but may not be what you intended.
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-04-2018, 05:28 PM   #881
HarryHill
Just Chilling
 
HarryHill's Avatar
 
HarryHill is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: 7 miles from Backwater
Posts: 8,184
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
I like the concise version. “seal celestial visions in their gaze” sounds better to me but may not be what you intended.
Something I caught on the second, also seal bothers me, entomb celestial visions?
__________________

Fairyland Theatre a three act comedy in prose and poetry... A sheened pearl of ice in the feeble dawn,
cracked, flawed, a chip gone, ghostly quiet in a misty fen, shattered with the first roar, melted with flames.


0 days accident free


"I'll never be a poet" - The Harry
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-04-2018, 06:00 PM   #882
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
 
greenmountaineer is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,412
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
I like the concise version. “seal celestial visions in their gaze” sounds better to me but may not be what you intended.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
Something I caught on the second, also seal bothers me, entomb celestial visions?
I like that too, Harry. Good catch.
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-12-2018, 11:37 AM   #883
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
hi Harry and gm thanks for your thoughts on this one

i guess the concept of sealing something 'in' is the polar opposite of what i want to convey... a cutting off, a cessation of sensory input. to seal those visions in means the person/voice in the poem will still need to consider, imagine, and this could be uncomfortable.

with regards to 'entomb': the word 'seal' is supposed to act as a link to tombs/graves apropos to the theme of the poem, as one seals a tomb - though, historically, one could think about things sealed IN tombs with the body being interred as well as the sealing out of light/sound/sensation. basically, i guess i want to seal everything out and not have to consider what the body may go through or the mind of the deceased still perceive. hmmmn.

having said that, perhaps the poem would be better for these changes, though i need to think about how i can bring what they will say to meet with some compatibility with what i was saying
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 07-12-2018, 11:54 AM   #884
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
 
greenmountaineer is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,412
I was reflecting a spiritual bias, I.e., “the dead shall see what is unseen.” Inward makes more sense to me, but your reply suggests that was not your intention.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-10-2018, 12:07 PM   #885
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
wrote this about a month ago but reading tod's piece today reminded me to post it

adrift on god's inkwell
steal a shooting star from his heavens
use it as the quill to dip
to spill
of eyes that ghost beneath its surface
a hammer of hearts that sing my veins
infinity touched
stirred by a transparency of finite fins
and how small mouths taste an ocean's loneliness
all sorrows salt
as dreams have no beginning, no end
life slips between one place and the next
when black suns hide beyond the
feathered arc of a pale wing
sleep and death all dreams within dreams
breathing the void









------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that hazy place between wake and sleep, when a damned line won't allow you to cross the barrier but insists on being written *sigh*
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 09-10-2018, 12:09 PM   #886
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
*note to self: try to find another word to use instead of dip when it comes to quills and inkwells
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 09-10-2018, 03:34 PM   #887
todski28
Literotica Guru
 
todski28 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,578
Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
*note to self: try to find another word to use instead of dip when it comes to quills and inkwells
Lol

Might have to look up a variant in another language

I’ve noticed that certain words pop up in writing at different intervals and become mainstays till I realised I’m doing it and start seeking new words, new phrases. The infinite numbers of combination meanings and intents scares me sometimes as if I might drown in the possibilities because there is always something else behind the current level.
__________________
todski28

As a favour to Tsotha
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-10-2018, 04:28 PM   #888
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
 
greenmountaineer is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,412
Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
*note to self: try to find another word to use instead of dip when it comes to quills and inkwells
“Sip” perhaps, given all the mysterious twists and turns in the poem?
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-10-2018, 09:16 PM   #889
GuiltyPleasure
AWTSS
 
GuiltyPleasure's Avatar
 
GuiltyPleasure is offline
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: eyes on the prize
Posts: 14,086
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
“Sip” perhaps, given all the mysterious twists and turns in the poem?
My thought too, a nib does kind of sip the ink and the word "sip" sits well with "spill".
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-10-2018, 09:33 PM   #890
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
Quote:
Originally Posted by todski28 View Post
Lol

Might have to look up a variant in another language

I’ve noticed that certain words pop up in writing at different intervals and become mainstays till I realised I’m doing it and start seeking new words, new phrases. The infinite numbers of combination meanings and intents scares me sometimes as if I might drown in the possibilities because there is always something else behind the current level.
maybe!

gawd, you sound like me sometimes... the secret life of words. hmmn
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
“Sip” perhaps, given all the mysterious twists and turns in the poem?
nice!
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuiltyPleasure View Post
My thought too, a nib does kind of sip the ink and the word "sip" sits well with "spill".
it does *nods*
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 09-14-2018, 06:50 PM   #891
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
edited

Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
breathing the void

adrift on god's inkwell
steal a shooting star
his heavens can spare one

use it for your quill
to sip
to spill

of eyes that ghost beneath its surface
a hammer of hearts to sing your veins
infinity touched

stirred by a transparency of finite fins
and how small mouths taste an ocean's loneliness
all sorrows salt

how dreams have no beginning, no end
life slips between
one plane and the next

when black suns hide beyond the pale
arc of a wing
sleep and death all dreams within dreams









------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that hazy place between wake and sleep, when a damned line won't allow you to cross the barrier but insists on being written *sigh*
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 09-15-2018, 10:48 AM   #892
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
 
greenmountaineer is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,412
This is beautiful, butters. The last stanza is masterful and layered with meaning for me as in “black sun” as well as “beyond the pale/arc....”

Last edited by greenmountaineer : 09-16-2018 at 07:20 AM. Reason: Misquoted
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-16-2018, 05:34 AM   #893
todski28
Literotica Guru
 
todski28 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,578
Seconded,
__________________
todski28

As a favour to Tsotha
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-25-2018, 02:50 PM   #894
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
thanks, to both of you for taking the time to read and comment. so busy here lately there's never enough time. roll on, autumn!
__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote

Old 10-10-2018, 09:32 AM   #895
HarryHill
Just Chilling
 
HarryHill's Avatar
 
HarryHill is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: 7 miles from Backwater
Posts: 8,184
Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
thanks, to both of you for taking the time to read and comment. so busy here lately there's never enough time. roll on, autumn!
..
adrift on (in) god's inkwell
steal a shooting star
his heavens can spare one
..
one small change ties a lot of similar words together in the rest of the poem.
__________________

Fairyland Theatre a three act comedy in prose and poetry... A sheened pearl of ice in the feeble dawn,
cracked, flawed, a chip gone, ghostly quiet in a misty fen, shattered with the first roar, melted with flames.


0 days accident free


"I'll never be a poet" - The Harry

Last edited by HarryHill : 10-10-2018 at 09:38 AM. Reason: more thoughts
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-27-2018, 07:51 PM   #896
butters
Literotica Guru
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: home
Posts: 62,265
Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
..
adrift on (in) god's inkwell
steal a shooting star
his heavens can spare one
..
one small change ties a lot of similar words together in the rest of the poem.
we had this discussion

'in' makes the inkwell a literal 'container', whereas i was referring to that black sea of imagination existing in that place somewhere on the edges of sleep. i think that allows me the leeway to use 'on' - 'sides, adrift in god's inkwell has too many short 'i' sounds in a small space and makes it sound a little brittle to my ear, whereas on reinforces the lower note of god's as so closer to that sleepy place than so many jittery i's.

i don't expect you to agree with me on this - just as well, lol

__________________
William Dement (the father of sleep medicine) said:
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."

  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:34 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.