- Art of Reconciliation - (closed for Sinful_whispers)

The moment Faith stepped closer to him and reached for his hands, he sensed what was going to happen. He saw it in the look she gave him, felt it in the way her body brushed against his when she pushed forward to kiss him. Every inch of his body called out to him, warned him about the consequences of giving in to the old feelings that were already in full blossom in his heart. The sensation was so terrible that he acted upon it regardless of his own desire. His body tensed up, and he almost backed away from her in a surge of panic. But when their lips finally met, he knew there was no escape. Although he hardly moved at all during the kiss, he still managed to squeeze her hands to signal how much he actually enjoyed it.

Feeling her soft lips against his brought him back to the last kiss they had shared as a couple. Neither of them had suspected there would ever be a last kiss between them, but it was clear to him that things were pretty much like they had always been. The underlying excitement of being close to her was intact from back then. Even when she finally broke the kiss and answered his question, she looked completely unaffected by what she had done. She had his full attention, kept teasing his senses by licking his lips and staring into his eyes. It left him utterly speechless.

His sole focus as on her, her body and soul. The green eyes and the blonde hair drew him in immediately, like a bee drawn to a pot of honey. Time and time again, he had disappeared into her very being multiple, but this seemed so much different. He had adored her since they were young children, and he still recognized all the tiny details without fail. The way she formed her words when they were alone, the playful glimpse in her eyes that always followed a kiss... Yes, even her breath was familiar.

He twisted his fingers out of her grasp and put his hands lightly around her wrists. Then he let them slide up her forearms, over her elbows and all the way up to her shoulders in slow, gentle movements. He put them to rest on her shoulders, his thumbs running in tiny circles to caress her through the fabric of her sweatshirt. They stood like that for a while, silent and watchful, until he brought his hands onto her shoulder blades and finally ran them down to the lower part of her back. The action drew her closer to him in a warm embrace. He leaned into her, hugged her tightly and rested his left cheek against her temple.

“I've missed you so much,” his voice was soft, and he breathed into her hair in sudden happiness. He felt at peace with himself, right there in the clearing with Faith in his arms. They had been through so much hardship over the last coupe of days, but it all seemed insignificant compared to this precious moment between them. “I should have talked to you. I should have told you how I felt about our relationship. I should have done something and not just left you. I just.... I never expected things to get so complicated. And I've missed you every single day. Wondering where you were, and how you were doing.”

“I was a fool, and I'm sorry.” He leaned backwards just a bit to face her again. Took in the features of her face once more, smiled at her with unmasked affection in his expression. It was important to him that she understood what he meant. “If I could, I would go back and change it all. Undo the pain. No more tears for you. There's nothing I wouldn't give to go back and be there when you needed me the most... Do you understand that Faye?”

His own words infused him with a new dose of confidence. The small signals that kept running back and forth in the air between them reassured him that they were on the same side. If there was still a wolf in their life, it had to be found elsewhere. The things had that happened between them – good and bad – had not been forgotten, and they never would be. Stuff like that didn't just go away. Sometimes, however, it was possible to move on and get a fresh start. Maybe they would never be a couple again. Jeremy could accept that. But his feelings were unwilling to change.

Faith's kiss had triggered old emotions inside him, and now it supported him in his decision to move one more step down the road she had showed him. He moved close to her again and kissed her forehead slowly. Then he moved his face down and kissed her cheek. Hands moved up along her spine, found the back of her head and touched her hair hesitantly. He smelled at her, nuzzled her hair and tilted his head slightly. The surroundings seemed to disappear into a blur when he placed his lips on her neck and kissed it. His lips pushing against the surface, his tongue sticking out briefly to lick the skin of his former lover. The kiss left a wet mark.

“Faye...” He barely managed to repeat her pet name, before he attacked her neck again. Tasted her sweet skin in another kiss, took in her familiar scent and disappeared into every little spark she emitted. He fell deeper into the sensation, unable to stop as his fingers massaged the back of her neck and he finally gave in. He pulled back slightly, stared into her eyes and placed his lips upon hers. Meeting her lips again felt surprisingly good, and it was almost scary how well they melted together. He found himself testing the waters, his head tilting from one side to the other while they were locked together in the kiss, his tongue pushing against her lips to try and taste her fully. When he finally ended the kiss, he rested his forehead against hers and breathed out slowly.

“I think...” His remark was hesitant and he guided his hands down her back to find a less intimate spot for them to occupy. Although his fingers never ceased to rub gently against her body, it certainly marked a change of action between them. Things were getting out of hand at a dangerous pace. He felt confused, and it surprised him that such a simple show of love and attraction could have that effect on him. Proper words were hard to find. “I mean, we are not supposed to... you know. I think I got a bit carried away. You are so...” a light sigh escaped his lips and it took a while before he continued: “You are so extremely beautiful... I couldn't help myself. I promised myself when I got here that I would not push you into an uncomfortable situation. But I'm stuck on this emotion anyway.”

Their embrace came to an end when his hands left her body, and he stepped away from her. He was in no rush, however, and the anguish was clearly visible in his face, if only for a short moment. Then he smiled at her, slow and tired. Brown eyes looked to her hands once more, as he repeated the last ten minutes for himself over and over again inside his mind. They had kissed. She had ensnared him like the five years of separation had only been a few days. There was nothing left to keep them apart anymore. Sure, she was his sister-in-law, but that was nothing more than a title. According to what they knew, Ian had not exactly lived up to the holy ideals of marriage either. So what was really holding him back now?

Jeremy could not figure it out. All he knew was that it felt wrong. Like something that was not meant to happen. It was real; It was good and it was bad, it was right and it was wrong. Why even pretend it was unnatural? Was he really so focused on being a good citizen that he could not interpret the signs? Maybe it was just his misguided sense of honor that compelled him to keep things by the book for once. No argument was good enough to justify giving in to his own desire. Not with his brother's secrets unsolved. Those secrets were the only reason Faith and he had went there in the first place. They had only uncovered a largely empty house and a well-hidden garage this far into their little search. Sadly, the garage required a key to unlock. To make things worse, they had not uncovered any information regarding Ian's lover.

“Wait a minute...” he turned toward the building and looked from the ground to the top of the trees that surrounded it. There was a reason Faith didn't want to destroy the pretty rose bushes or the gate behind it, and he understood her all too well. It was a quite tranquilizing sight, big roses upon lush areas of green. It actually helped him focus on the thought that had just popped into his mind. A short while later, he turned his attention back to Faith with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Where do Lydia Forschammer fit into all of this? There were no visible signs of her inside the house, not even a small photograph. If we assume Ian continued to see her after you two got together, then it would be logical for them to meet here. After all, they would have to travel very far into the country to find a hotel where they could be alone in secret.”

“What I am thinking is...” he stepped close to Faith once more and lowered his voice slightly, as though he was afraid someone would hear him. “What if Lydia has the key to the garage? I mean, if Ian wanted to hide something inside that building, then we need to find the key. Think about it for a while: If you were to hide a big secret from the world, wouldn't you hide it in a place that no one knew about? And there was no one, who knew about Lydia and Ian's relationship at all.”

For the second time that day, he reached out toward her and guided a loose strand of hair back into place behind her ear. But this time, he acted on pure instinct without thinking about it. What he did think about, however, was how much he wanted to let go of all of the restriction that held him back. She had that effect on him. “I know it's a wild guess, but I think it's worth a shot. It's either that, or we return to town to look through Ian's belongings again. What do you say?”

Faith felt him tense up but the kiss was long over due in her mind and in her heart. It needed done and put out of the way, she needed to see if all those old feelings were still there and the kiss told her they were. Faith felt him squeeze her hand as she stood there with him letting the soft loving kiss linger. They were two old lovers connecting again, where it will lead she had no clue but she loved how his kiss made her feel, it sparked every bit of her being.

Everything about the kiss brought back all the old memories, right down to the first awkward kiss to the last one. They stood there looking at each other, so connected as she watched him lick across his lips as if he was still tasting her from them as that was what she did. The tip of her tongue slipped out slightly and moved across her lips, everything felt like time stood still at that exact moment freezing them as they held hands and looked deep within their souls.

Jeremy released her hand and Faith felt his fingers grasp and curl around her wrists, and she felt him slide his hands up her arms as she stood there holding completely still. Jeremy’s hands stopped up at her shoulders, their eye contact hadn’t broke yet as she could feel him massaging her shoulders as she took in a deep breath letting it out slowly as his hands went down her back as he leaned in and held her close, bringing them together as one in a tight embrace.

Faith closed her eyes and held the man tighter than she held anyone. Her arms wrapped his neck, she breathed him in, his scent, the way he felt all familiar to her and missed. ”I’ve missed you so much,” he said in a soft voice as he rested his head aside hers. She missed his just as much as one of the two small voids seemed to fill up. “I should have talked to you. I should have told you how I felt about our relationship. I should have done something and not just left you. I just.... I never expected things to get so complicated. And I've missed you every single day. Wondering where you were, and how you were doing.”

“I’ve missed you so much Jeremy.” Faith listened as he spoke she could feel her emotional side kicking in as she choked back the tears as they held each other. “I’ve always thought about you, I always wished you would show up, but as each day passed I knew you left for good or so I thought. Everything just got so crazy and everything seemed to spin out of control and it snowballed so big…” Faith said as she cleared her throat.

He admitted to her he was a fool and apologized again to her as he released her just enough to lean back so that they could face each other. “I do understand but we can’t. I wish the same but things happen for a reason. You left and if you didn’t would you have been restless being in a relationship with me? Would you one day have picked up and walked out? I was hurt and I hated you but here and now fate brought us back together …how can I stay mad?”

Faith was always the positive one, till that day he walked away and then everyday since her attitude was quite opposite till the baby news. That changed her life, she had a part of him that would forever be with her then it happened and the only way she could deal with it was by digging herself out of the darkness and back into the light. It wasn’t her time yet…that time was yet to come. It didn’t make the hurt any easier but it made it bearable to a point.

She knew that she could not give this man up and move one without him. He was the love of her life and wanted him within it. Faith had been to hell and back and she deserved happiness and that was him. She felt him hold her against him; her arms wrapped tightly as she could hear him smelling her hair, feeling his fingers lightly move thought the long strands of her hair as he kissed her forehead, her cheek working to her neck as she sucked in a breath and just left her fingers caress the back of his neck and head feeling his hair within her fingertips. She felt him lick along her neck as she swallowed hard and just left him explore her, to taste her flesh again as she breathed him in.

Faith heard her nickname, that sweet pet name he called her just as he moved to her neck again as she wanted to be so close to him she was his second skin. Faith didn’t want to let him go, not back then and not now for sure she couldn’t take that heartbreak again. Jeremy continued to touch her, to taste her skin and then stopped and pulled back as her arms loosened around his neck and they looked to each other for a moment and then their heads tilted and they kissed again, and again like time picked up where it left off in a way but they were now older and more mature, lines upon their face to show hardship they went through in the past 5 years.

His tongue slid within her warm mouth, Faith allowed it as her met his and twisted around it slowly, she was able to feel him, the passion between them as the kisses continued. He broke the kiss as he rested his forehead against her and she looked into his eyes and felt a soft smile form upon her lips as they each took in a breathed and released it slowly.

Faith listened to him talk and felt a pain in her gut; it was happening all over again. Jeremy complimented her, she felt the smile disappear then she tried to make it reappear again but it seemed so fake. They were adults, who says what they can and cannot do? She was reading him wrong, Faith wasn’t sure what he was doing except giving her false hope again.

The embrace stopped and they parted themselves from each other, Faith noticed the smile but just couldn’t return it. She couldn’t only get part of him Faith wanted all of him but if there was another she would release him and leave him go. Why did it feel so right to her? Why was something tossing them back together again? Faith felt like she had an ugly curse over her head and this was a way of it latching on to her and holding her still just so she could feel all this pain all over again to watch him walk away.

Where do Lydia Forschammer fit into all of this? There were no visible signs of her inside the house, not even a small photograph. If we assume Ian continued to see her after you two got together, and then it would be logical for them to meet here. After all, they would have to travel very far into the country to find a hotel where they could be alone in secret.” He asked her and Faith shrugged. She watched as he stepped close and told her what he thought, she was to tired and emotionally spent to deal with more secrets. Faith wanted to crawl in bed with a bottle of wine.

I know it's a wild guess, but I think it's worth a shot. It's either that, or we return to town to look through Ian's belongings again. What do you say?” He said to her as she nodded.

“Okay, if it isn’t there in his things in the house then I have no idea where he would put it.” Faith said as she wrapped her arms around her self and headed back to the house to lock it up and for Jeremy to get the box. “You have the keys to the house, why don’t you go lock up and grab that box you wanted and I’ll meet you at the car.” Faith turned and walked more towards the car than the house, she felt cursed, hurt, confused and was in love with him and waited for her heart to be shattered again as that void was just filled.

It was not too clear to Jeremy what was going on in Faith's mind, but he had a feeling she had misunderstood his self-perceived idea of nobility. He watched her turn away, the smile on her face fading, her arms wrapped around her body in a tight embrace, as though hugging herself would bring her comfort. It was almost like he had tried to distance himself from her after they had kissed.
Like he was some kind of playboy, who didn't want to play with his broken toy anymore. How many times would he have to repeat his words of love and loyalty before she finally believed him? Had she not listened to his words at all, or had he just failed to express himself properly?

He didn't follow her immediately. Instead, he waited for her to get to the car before he finally walked back toward the cabin. He moved with heavy steps though the light grass, and did his best to ignore the tension that had formed in his stomach as a result of the woman's unreadable actions. It was a futile attempt, however, and he found himself watching her from the corner of his eye as he passed by her and walked onto the porch in front of the cabin. He just needed to get inside the building and fetch the box with his brother's personal belongings. Then they could return to town and discuss their next move.

He went inside the empty place and looked around as though he expected something had changed in his absence. But nothing had happened, of course, so he quickly moved toward the table where he had left the box before heading outside to examine Faith's finding. He gave himself a moment to look through the upper layers of photographs and documents in the box, not because he was looking for something specific, but because the content still sparked his interest. So many old photographs with details of the life Ian and he had lived. Pictures from their early years, from their time as school kids and young men.

In the midst of the pile of photographs he had picked up from the box, he found a special photograph that cause him to freeze for a moment. It presented an ordinary scene by the lakeside, where Ian and he always went camping when they were younger. They had brought the girls along for the occasion, and that had resulted in a quite special photograph. Two girl and two boys sitting in front of an old, overturned tree, with fishing rods and backpacks scattered carelessly on the ground around them. The huge lake created the perfect backdrop for the image, something that furthered the scene's sensation of great happiness.

There was another reason why Jeremy had been shocked to discover the photograph. They had all received a copy of it in the past, but he had cut his own into pieces for the sake of having a photograph of Faith in his wallet. They had not been together when the photograph had been taken; it was in the air, a certain taste of mutual interest, but he had not been brave enough to act upon the signs he picked up whenever she was near. The tiny picture of her ended up in his wallet for a long time before he finally made a move on her. Although it reminded him of sweet days of being in love with the woman, looking at the unspoiled photograph of them also made him feel bad about himself and the way things had turned out.

After he had put the photographs back into the cardboard box, he picked it up and brought it back outside. Stepping out on the porch, he put the box down and turned to lock the door behind him. Once the key was safely back in his pocket, he picked up the precious treasure from the wooden floor and went toward the car. Although invisible to the naked eye, it was not hard for him to imagine how Faith was feeling. Did she still believe he would just run away from her at the first chance he got, or was it more complicated than that? Was she feeling just as guilty as he did, or was her concern less about the morality of the situation and more about his neglect? Maybe it was time for him to set his feelings in stone for good.

She still had her back turned at him when he stepped down from the porch. He dumped the cardboard box on the ground next to him and approached her. His hands found her hips and he moved close, spoke to her in a soft voice and in the same hesitant manner that had almost become his trademark whenever she was near. “Faye... I didn't mean to upset you back there, and I am sorry if I did. You know how I never was any good at timing my moments when we were younger? Seems like I'm still learning. Standing close to you felt really good. It reminded me of the time when we were only kids, and there was nothing in the world other than the love we shared. It frightened me to realize how easy I was brought back into that feeling. To be honest, I didn't want it to end.”

The feeling of her hips was like a promise. In the past, it had been a foolproof way to start a heated evening. He breathed in the scent of her hair, felt the tickling sensation in his groin and warned himself what would happen if he did not stay focused. His hands moved again, away from her hips and up her sides. He feared what would happen if he touched her too intimately again. As soon as he his hands reached her shoulders, he brought his arms around her in an embrace from behind. She was still hugging herself, and now he was hugging her as well.

“You think I'm going to leave you again. Don't you?” The last two words were tainted by a rather accusative tone, but it was not a deliberate decision on his part. It was the result of his own frustrations kicking in. The self-blame and doubt came back at full strength. What had he expected? He was courting a woman of his past, a woman he had neglected and left alone. It was not of any importance that he had done it for her sake. All that mattered was that he had hurt her. He could regret, and he could repent, but the fear would linger on inside her... maybe forever.

“I would only have one reason to leave you, and that would be if you asked me to. But I'm not leaving you. There's nothing I want more than to give in and live by the feelings we share. I would surrender to it right now, if it was reasonable. I almost did when we kissed. That is my heart's doing. But my mind keeps telling I shouldn't. What I mean is...” he paused, aroused by her scent and dizzy from thinking. He struggled not to lean in close and kiss the back of her neck, but the pressure of his embrace remained unaffected by his inner conflict. Even if he could not make her understand through words, he could still give her the physical comfort of his arms.

“I meant what I said.” He licked his dry lips, and realized his voice had turned into a whisper. She was so tempting, her body so warm and sweet and soft. It was scary to realize how easy his determination faltered in her presence. In a last effort to stay focused, he cleared his throat and turned his eyes toward the sky above. “I have missed you each and every day since I left. But I also feel, well, indebted to my brother. If he gave up his own dreams to undo my mistakes, then I owe him. Not only that. It's silly, I know, but he's still your husband. Even in death. So to give in to what I really feel... what I really want... before things clear up... it would be wrong. It's not your fault. It never was. No matter what happens next, I still need you to understand. Faye?”

Faith stood by the car and looked into the woods, the ground area was beautiful it was so peaceful and serene. Under different circumstances coming to the cabin would have been such a nice idea for a weekend away, maybe fishing a bit, a picnic and just sitting around a bon fire out doors while the sun fell and night took over. Somebody took care the grounds, it was well maintained to say the least.

She wished she knew the whole idea behind this property and hoped there was something in paperwork that would lead her, them to it. Ian was so personal and secretive, she wondered if there was a game play from the start and not just doing the clean up job from his little brother. What a damn mess she thought and wished for a simple life without the secrets and drama, she deserved it.

Faith heard him behind her, she heard him open the door and step on to the porch as she just leaned against the car taking everything in. No wonder she drank more wine than she should have. She was trying to figure out what she had done that was so bad in her life to deserve this, the loss of a baby, the deceptive marriage, the only man she loved to leave her and the secrets. For the life of it all she couldn't think of anything.

Growing up she was always the 'good girl'. She helped everyone she could, she would have given the clothing off her back to help another, She never got into trouble, did drugs, drank very little but still the only thing she did was have pre-marital sex but so many other things were much worse. It didn't make sense to her at all. People do so much worse and end up so much better, life was really tossing her for a loop and had been since the day Jeremy walked from her life.

Faith was lost in her own little world of thoughts as Jeremy approached her. he put the box down and placed his hands on her hips . She sighed softly. “Faye... I didn't mean to upset you back there, and I am sorry if I did. You know how I never was any good at timing my moments when we were younger? Seems like I'm still learning. Standing close to you felt really good. It reminded me of the time when we were only kids, and there was nothing in the world other than the love we shared. It frightened me to realize how easy I was brought back into that feeling. To be honest, I didn't want it to end.”

She honestly didn't know what to say back to him without choking up and exposing her vulnerability to him all over again. it was so much easier when she was angry and had a wall up and was able to close everyone else out, and this was before he even came back into her life. Faith felt herself drifting away from the world and sinking into her own dark abyss. Things in life changed it wasn't only her but Ian as well. They were slowly separating and going their own ways, and all this was proof that proved it. maybe he was going to leave her and this was the cabin he was going to live in, sounded maybe like a possibility at this point then again anything was.

Faith felt his hands move from her hips and up her sides as she stood with her arms wrapped around herself with him standing behind her. His hands moved from her sides to her shoulders as she closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She felt him hold her, hugging her as he sent mixed signals to her. She knew they had just buried his brother, but this was an unresolved love that was long time before her and Ian married. Ian could never replace Jeremy, they knew it as faith could never replace apparently who Ian had been in love with and the secrets were bound to happen as time went on, perhaps Ian was tired of being unhappy, faith wished this would have all came out before he passed away. Life would have been much easier.

“You think I'm going to leave you again. Don't you?” He said feeling his heated breath upon her neck as he stood behind her. Faith had no clue really what his intentions were at this point she just knew that what she felt a long time ago, she still felt within her. His arms were where she called 'home' back then and still to this day when he hugged her it still felt the same. faith was afraid to answer him, she was emotionally spent at this point.

“I would only have one reason to leave you, and that would be if you asked me to. But I'm not leaving you. There's nothing I want more than to give in and live by the feelings we share. I would surrender to it right now, if it was reasonable. I almost did when we kissed. That is my heart's doing. But my mind keeps telling I shouldn't. What I mean is...” Jeremy said as he continued speaking while hugging her from behind.

“I have missed you each and every day since I left. But I also feel, well, indebted to my brother. If he gave up his own dreams to undo my mistakes, then I owe him. Not only that. It's silly, I know, but he's still your husband. Even in death. So to give in to what I really feel... what I really want... before things clear up... it would be wrong. It's not your fault. It never was. No matter what happens next, I still need you to understand. Faye?”[B/] He said as she really still didn't understand. It wasn't that she wasn't trying to it was just she had enough for now.

"I don't understand, I'm trying to Jeremy. I always thought he married me for the sake of the baby. he could have walked away at anytime, as could I. But, life got to comfortable for Ian and I. I don't think neither one of us wanted to change it in fear of something...what it was I don't know. I think my fear was being alone, what Ian's was...I really have no clue." She said as she turned to him and once again breathed in and blew the breath out slowly as she looked at him. "Let's go back to the house and look once again in the office."

Just as the car exited the depths of the forest, Jeremy adjusted his position in the seat and blinked his eyes. The sudden change in light was a bit overwhelming, but he knew it was soon going to change. The sun had finally decided it was time to say goodbye to their side of the planet, and it had started it's descend while they were still driving through the green darkness of the forest. He welcomed the change in scenery, and enjoyed the dying sun's struggle to paint the fields around them in different shades of red and orange. Despite the compelling beauty of the surroundings, however, his mind was stuck at the events that had played out during the afternoon.

It surprised him how fast time had passed at Ian's house, and it frustrated him that they had not made any progress in their search for the truth behind his brother's connection to Lydia. But for some unexplainable reason, he felt more calm and light at heart than he had felt in a long time. It mirrored his feeling from when they took off in the opposite direction earlier that day, when Faith and he had finally taken the first steps toward mending the wounds between them. It had all been subtle hints and signals. Holding her hand had felt like the ultimate outcome of their afternoon together, and he had not expected either of them to take it any further than that.

Yet, she had done exactly that. She had kissed him. She had acted upon her own emotions, just like he had wanted to since they met each other again. It was not just the act of kissing that was special; the sole fact that she had not distanced herself from him afterward was much more important to him. She had not even resisted him when he had lost his composure and caressed her body. He had kissed her - repeatedly and all over - and she had accepted it like it was the most natural thing in the world. The last kiss between them had left a smile on her face, and he had wanted to go all the way with her. But he had ruined the moment in a very effective way.

The memory caused Jeremy to move in his seat again. He looked to his right, and got a short glimpse of Faith: She had her head turned toward the scenery outside, but he noticed an unreadable expression on her face in the reflection of the car glass. There had rested an uncomfortable silence between them since they left the property. They had not been angry at each other, they had not argued or fought over anything. He had actually tried to correct his clumsy attempt at... well, whatever he had tried to do. Had he tried to be her knight in shining armor or be fair to his late brother? He couldn't figure it out. What did it even matter in the situation at hand?

The more he thought about it, the more he started to doubt his own logic. He always sought to analyze things more than once, and he never really seemed to understand it anyway. In the end, there was only one truth in his life, a single truth he had always held on to no matter what happened: He was meant to be with the blonde girl with the green eyes and the sweet smile. After five years in emotional chaos and solitude, he had finally had the chance to convey it all to her. He had been given this one chance to tell her through other means than simple words, and he had wasted it because he so desperately held on to his brother's ideals.

Maybe he had just imagined it all along, but he believed he had seen the acceptance in her eyes when they stood close to each other. She had stepped forward in an act that defied all the hardship he had put her through, and she had kissed him like they had never been apart. Plain, simple and sweetly spontaneous. Her affection came at no cost, and with no demands other than the natural response of his body. How could he be so ignorant and forget about her needs? He had failed to realize it at first, but she had been hurt when he shattered the intimacy between them. She was so vulnerable, and it appealed to him on so many levels.

Later, when he had done everything in his power to undo his mistake, it appeared as though she didn't understand why he had stepped away from her in the first place. She had been silent when he told her he intended to stay with her, and it had made him wonder if he had been wrong in his assumptions. Maybe she just wanted him to make up his mind. In any case, one question remained unanswered: What else did she want from him?

He recalled the moment where she had turned toward him again. She had moved slightly in his arms, as though she wanted to escape, but she had not forced her way out of his embrace. In the end, though, he had just let go of her. He had listened to her as she breathed out slowly, had noticed the fatigue in her eyes. She had suggested they returned to her house to look through his brother's office once more. His mind was still so focused on how her body had reacted to his embrace that he had agreed to it without objection. He wanted her so much, wanted to make her happy. How long would it take for them to deal with Ian's secrets?

The old plantation around them came to an end and was exchanged with huge areas of short grass. It looked like the fields of a small golf course, but Jeremy did not recognize it at all. Apparently, some things had changed in his absence! A little growl from his abdomen drew his attention and caused him to chuckle silently. His stomach was extremely dissatisfied about the lack of action, and well, he had not had anything to eat since after the funeral. He had ignored it unintentionally throughout the afternoon, so it was no wonder he was feeling hungry now. He turned his attention toward the woman next to him again.

“Faye?” He cleared his throat and turned his eyes back on the road ahead. It somehow felt odd to call her by her pet name when they were not close. Besides, had he not decided to wait? How was she going to understand him, if he couldn't even understand himself anymore? No wonder she was confused and found it hard to believe him... But no matter what, his hunger gave him an idea. “Faith? Are you hungry? Do you want to find a place where we can eat? I think... well, it may be good for both of us to sit down and talk about something else than Ian and locked doors...”

He suddenly felt stupid. It was very unlike him to be spontaneous and ask a girl out for dinner. But what was worse, it was completely out of touch with the situation. It had been a very eventful afternoon, and sitting comfortably in the car made him aware of how tired he actually was. He could only speculate how Faith was feeling right now. Not only had she buried her husband earlier that day, she had also poured her heart's pain out to him, and she had followed him into the forest to get answers about the past. She was not ready to walk into a restaurant with him and deal with the curiosity it would spur. He shook his head at the thought. “Maybe I shouldn't have asked that question... I mean, we are both tired, and I don't want you to become the talk of the town just because I'm around.”

Faith was sad in a way to leave the beautiful cabin and its surroundings behind her as they exited the forest. The lush green turned into darkness settling in as the sky was a beautiful mix of colors. It reminded her of an artist splash in colors of marigolds, tulips and daffodils upon a canvas. It was an amazing sight to look at as night was kissing the day farewell.

It had been a very long day for her, for him as well as those close to Ian. But, it was sad to say her grief wouldn’t be like a normal widow’s feel of loss for the love they shared had either newer really fully bloomed or was one of friendship, forced to be a couple under the circumstances they were place into. Faith felt guilty because of this, then again she had felt guilty for the past five years when she agreed to marry Ian.

They had no idea what they were even searching for anymore. They had no idea who was all involved in the web of secrets and it was getting to Faith. Her anxiety was kicking in, soon enough it would kick her ass hard, she felt it creeping up within her as she looked out the window and again all this bull crap was spinning around in her head. She promised her self if she was ever in another relationship she would not keep one secret from her partner.

This taught her a huge lesson and she would not sacrifice her self ever again. At this point she should have just stayed single and been a single mother. But, with that thought in her head she never made it to the mother part. Faith still thought of herself as one because the child that was in her was now laid to rest along side her uncle Ian. Faith cleared her throat as she looked out the front windshield and looked to see where they were then sighed softly, so soft he would have never heard her do it but then there was nothing but silence between them at this moment.

The feel of his hand as it wrapped around her made her feel warm and bubbly within like a freshly popped bottle of champagne. That was the feeling she had always had with Jeremy. The kiss was her own doing, she wanted to taste his lips upon her own and almost immediately Faith could taste him all over again as if time between them stood still and those five years were never there.

The way he stood with her, his body so close, the heat that they generated was undeniable to her as it had to be for him as well. That was how a relationship should be, she swore she wouldn’t sacrifice those feelings again, the ones she had with him. He was her mate, her other half and they needed to realize that, she needed to understand what he meant with his words and not take them out of context, but then again he was never good at timing and trying to express himself to her as she almost chuckled with that thought.

His arms were home that was all she kept telling herself, the way she looked to him, the way he smelled, felt, all was so familiar. How many people can remember all the scents of a lover, or almost every minute that they made you smile, or a compliment, or the first kiss and exactly where and when and how it felt. Faith could, but even in all of that she could remember that day when she waited for him and he had never shown up, the day he left.

Faith knew that eventually they were going to have to figure out if there was still anything between them, but there needed to be an end to his brother’s secrets before that happened. Faith wanted to lay aside him and have his arms wrapped around her telling her that everything will be alright. It was such a simple request but she wasn’t sure that was the best idea since she still had more love for this man than she could have ever thought. It upset her to hear that there had been another woman but she couldn’t have expected the man to live like a monk, she had no room to speak since she married his brother and that was all because of an innocent child that was Jeremy’s she was going to bring in the world.

That thought rolled around in her head for a few minutes. Ian and Faith had sex after the loss of the baby, but she never got pregnant with his child and she knew she was able to after the loss. Granted they were both usually if not always under the influence of alcohol but they never made a baby and as little as it happened one would think it would have.

The thought of him not being able to get her pregnant would be a good reason to propose and to raise a child as his own and when that didn’t work they grew distant. She was grabbing at straws but god that really fit so well with why he would have proposed to her. It made a hell of a lot better sense than throwing his life away for a girl his brother knocked up so he had to clean up the mess. Faith shook her head slowly as all this stupid stuff rolled around inside it.

Faith heard his stomach growl as she smirked knowing the feeling quite well. She needed a hot meal, a glass of wine and some soothing music to relax to before they go digging through Ian’s things. It would have really bothered her before all this secrecy to comb through his private affairs, or to even go in his office but at this point, Faith didn’t feel that way if anything it was the opposite.

He called her name as she was off thinking; it took him a second try to grab her attention as she looked at him. “Faith? Are you hungry? Do you want to find a place where we can eat? I think... well, it may be good for both of us to sit down and talk about something else than Ian and locked doors...” he said to her and she nodded to him.

“Actually I was just thinking about that myself.” Faith responded back to him.

“Maybe I shouldn't have asked that question... I mean, we are both tired, and I don't want you to become the talk of the town just because I'm around.” He followed up with as she thought about it a little bit.

“Actually please take me back to the house Jeremy. I’ll cook a hot meal, pop a bottle of wine, turn on some music and we can have a nice dinner without the look of townsfolk gawking at us. Mind you that wouldn’t bother me but I feel like cooking. Sound good?” She asked with a smile upon her face. “Other than that fast food would be an option and honestly I can’t stomach the grease tonight.”

Jeremy couldn't help but smile at Faith's response. He felt stupid for asking her out without thinking about the consequences of the two of them going out together right after the funeral, but she did not blame him for his mistake. Rather, it appeared to him that she understood why he had asked her out in the first place. She even said she had considered the option herself, and although he doubted she would be unaffected by the curious looks of others, he still admired her attempt to be strong. Faith's words ultimately helped him relax, and it was that very sensation of inner calm that put a smile on his face.

“It sounds really good to me. I bet you're still a great cook. Better than me, at least.” His last statement was a joke, and it betrayed his initial determination to conceal his excitement. She had always been a good cook in his eyes. Back in time, when they had been a couple, they had divided all responsibilities between them, but he had rarely managed to produce anything worth eating when he was in charge in the kitchen. In the end, they had reached a silent agreement: Faith cooked, and he cleaned up after her. Simple as that. He had, however, been forced to cook a lot during the past years of mindless travel from place to place, and although it had often been a matter of making lots of sandwiches and boiling a few eggs, it had improved his culinary abilities a little bit.

The road, which they had followed since leaving the forest behind, met the freeway leading back to town. The trip went on in silence from that point. It wasn't long until familiar landmarks started to appear in the area around them, but Jeremy kept his eyes fixed at the road ahead, well aware that the smile on his face was a little dumb. They would be back at Faith's house soon. Then they would sit down together and eat.

There was, of course, more to his anticipation than the prospect of sharing a meal with her. He was firmly convinced they needed a rest from everything concerning his neglect, Ian's dead, the funeral and all the things in-between. It would not be possible for them to forget about everything that had happened, and that was not the point either. Keeping a conversation running for long had never been a problem for them in the past; Question was how long they could actually talk now without touching upon pain-triggering memories?

Five years out of town had caused him to miss out on so many things. Deep down, he wanted to know everything that had happened to the people he cared about. The questions came raining down on him whenever he thought about it. For obvious reasons, the majority of his questions involved the woman next to him. Faith had told him in detail how hurt she had felt when he left her without a word. Her explanation had painted a vivid picture of her suffering in his mind, but it was only an account of her emotions. The little details of the life she had lived for the last five years was missing. It suddenly occurred to him that he had heard nothing about her parents yet. Then again, he had not even had the time to ask her about them, her job, her favorite book or... well, the list of unanswered questions seemed to increase with every breath he took.

He remembered he had visited Faith's parents a few days before he left town. Her mother had not been well at the time, she felt nauseous and uneasy at the prospect of going to the hospital for a new set of tests. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease only a few weeks earlier, and both Faith and he had been frequent visitors after that point. Despite the fact the disease was in it's early stage, it still made a strong impact on all of them. Bruce – Faith's father – had even discarded his usual stern attitude toward Jeremy and settled for something less aggressive. He had never looked upon their relationship with mild eyes, and because of that, they had never been on good terms. That was how Jeremy saw it, at least.

Jeremy stole a quick glance at Faith and smiled at her to indicate he meant no harm. As much as he wanted to know how her parents were doing, he found it hard to ask her directly. Chances were Faith's mother was gone, and who knew how her father was doing under such circumstances? It was not fair to stress her any further by asking her such a personal question. There was other, less hurtful things he could ask her about. Like... whatever had happened to Mr. Catches?

Their cat, Mr. Catches, was already quite old when Faith and he had found him behind one of the dumpsters outside Faith's old apartment. It had not really been their plan to adopt the little gentleman and take him in, but things had turned out that way. Sometimes, there was just nothing you could do against the quaint charm of animals other than embrace them completely with your heart and soul. Faith and Jeremy had done just that with Mr. Catches, although they initially had speculated how long he would live. Against all expectations, however, the cat had been alive and well for several years. The little creature had grown on both of them, and Jeremy cared enough about it to mention it in his final letter to Faith.

The thought had barely entered his mind, before he realized the possible emotional complication of asking her about their first and only pet. It could turn out to be just as bad as asking about her parents. He was stepping into deep water, and it was almost hilarious how uneasy it made him feel. His thoughts were a mess, and in the end, he decided to push all his questions aside and just concentrate on driving in silence.

It felt good when he finally steered the car down the familiar street and pulled into the driveway in front of Faith's house. He turned off the car's engine, went out of the car and almost rushed to the other side of the car in a strange repetition of his actions at Ian's property in the forest. He opened the car door for the woman inside, flashed her a warm smile and offered her his hand. Moments of physical contact had been extremely common between them back in the day. This afternoon had been full of such moments, and now he almost desperately wanted to hold her hand again. It was a bit silly, and it made him wonder how old he actually was...

“It sounds really good to me. I bet you're still a great cook. Better than me, at least.”He said as Faith looked over to him and started to laugh so hard it almost hurt her empty stomach. Every since her wedding to Ian towns people gawked and whispered for the longest time and after a while it like everything else was replaced by another ‘scandal’ within the small town and slowly the whispering stopped and all went back to normal for her and Ian. They fit in like any other married couple unless somebody sparked it up which happened on occasion. Every town has those ‘mean people’ in it and theirs was no different.

Jeremy was good at quite a few things but cooking was not one of them. Faith had wondered if that had changed and for some odd reason she had a feeling he was still only able to boil water for eggs and maybe make a box of macaroni and cheese. They had made a pact that she cooked and then he cleaned up afterwards but she always helped him do it. Faith didn’t mind cooking, she always enjoyed it and when stressed it helped her; it was therapeutic like laundry, gardening and cleaning the house while listening to some sort of music CD.

Faith didn’t mind the drive out of the woods. She thought about the cabin, the garage and how things were all tied together but couldn’t figure the puzzle out. But, for now she was going to try and think about other things for a short time. There was enough time for that to unfold later on after dinner when they search the office that once belonged to Ian.

Faith knew that even if Jeremy didn’t show up, she would be moving along just as she was with packing things up of her late husband’s. The love was not a lover’s love; it was roommates, friends that lived in the same house. She thought she should feel guilty but she didn’t and nobody would understand unless they were in the same situation as her. Walk a mile in my shoes she thought and they whoever it was would have understood.

She rolled down the window and felt the coolness of the evening air hit her face, loving the way it blew her hair back as she closed her eyes and just let her other senses kick in. She could feel his eyes look over to her every now and then which she did the same and smiled to herself just as he was doing. Funny how life works out sometimes Faith thought. How each path leads to another and how life was supposed to go around in a circle and if that was true their lives did just that.

Faith let her mind wonder in all different directions, from her time with Ian trying to figure stuff out to the time her mom passed to the cabin, and much more. She hated dwelling on the bad things but everything was pieces to her life up to this very point that she was sitting there in the car with Jeremy. There had been so much death surrounding her life, each time another passes Faith felt a part of her go away and a little void happen. But there was no bigger voids than the one their baby left and the one left by Jeremy.

When he turned the corner on to her street she was never so glad to be home. The day had been long and she felt a tension headache in the back of her head. It could have been from hunger as well or possibly both. He turned into the drive and cut the engine. Jeremy got out quickly and came around to the other side before she even had a chance to do it herself. He smiled to her as she returned it just the same as he reached his hand out for her and Faith took it and allowed him to help her out.

Faith didn’t let go of his hand, instead she held it as she took the keys to the car from him and turned him around and walked with him up the sidewalk not caring what others see. When she got to the door Faith unlocked it and it was then she released his hand as she opened it up and stepped in letting him follow and close it behind him. Faith tossed the keys in a bowl on a small table and turned to face him. “Make yourself comfortable Jeremy. Put in a CD please and give me a few minutes to change into something more comfortable and if you like pop a bottle of wine open or two beers doesn’t matter which.”

Faith went up the steps and down the hall to her bedroom; she walked in and stripped out of her clothing down to her white silk panties. Going through her closet door she picked out a thin cotton spaghetti strap mid thigh summery dress and slipped it over her head feeling it lay lightly upon her body as her nipples grew erect immediately and pushed against the material. She turned and placed her other clothing away and went back down to the kitchen.

She smiled to him as she opened the pantry and pulled out a jar of her homemade sauce, some spaghetti pasta, a loaf of French bread and enough produce to make a salad. “Won’t take long to make dinner, we’re going Italian tonight, spaghetti, garlic bread and a salad.” With that said she got the pot of water boiling, the bread cut and made into garlic bread, placing it in the oven then started on the salad as she looked to him with a smile.

“Not to long after you left…” she said as she prepared the salad and looked to him…”my mother was placed into a home. She got really bad in a short time. They not only diagnosed her with the Alzheimer’s but the dementia set in and she was going crazy. She became a person we didn’t know anymore. Started cursing like a sailor, got a hold of knives and sat up at nights waiting for people to come to the house….was out of hand.”

As Faith continued with the salad almost finishing it up she continued, “Anyways she went into a home and then she finally lost it completely. Other complications came into play and eventually she passed in her sleep.” Faith turned away and grabbed the salad tongs and turned back around, she completed the salad and made her own homemade dressing for it. She handed it to him to put on the table. As she moved around the kitchen she then spoke about her father. Faith handed him plates, napkins and silverware.

“After the funeral my father got lonely, he had hardly left the house. I don’t think he even knew how to function without my mother honestly. “ She drained the spaghetti and stirred the sauce as she got out the garlic bread and cut it up placing it in a bread basket and handed it to him. “I watched him fall apart before my eyes. I couldn’t do anything to help him. He wasn’t suicidal; he wasn’t harming himself so nothing I could do via the law. Except watch him waste away.” She placed the spaghetti in a bowl and then the sauce in another handing him one as she walked around to the table with the other. “One day I went over to see him and he passed away in the middle of the night. Coroner said natural causes, most likely loneliness.”

Faith took her seat as she smiled to him, “Lets eat I’m starving.”

As soon as Jeremy followed Faith inside the house and closed the door behind them, he was struck by a strange notion. This had to be the fourth or fifth time he had set foot inside the house, but it was the first time he actually felt welcome. He had been hesitant to go there after his return to town, but his aunt had eventually persuaded him to go. His approach to his former girlfriend had been unthoughtful, though, and his first visit had ended badly. He had been wrong to assume he was entitled to get answers, and his angry questions had caused her to break down and ask him to leave. Against all odds, the experience had opened his eyes to something far more important than getting answers; he did not know the whole story behind Faith's outrageous decision to marry his brother. More importantly, it was her words to him that had made him realize he was to blame.

The next time he had showed up at her doorstep had been after the funeral. In fact, he had been there several times earlier that day, but it somehow felt like a whole week had gone by, because so much had happened already. The last time he had went to the house had certainly been less tense, and it had resulted in a much better talk about what had led them to where they were today. They had finally managed to listen to each other, and the mutual understanding of the pain they had gone through had culminated in emotions, which both scared and delighted him beyond words. His mind warned him that it was too good to be true. Could it be that the kisses and caresses they had shared were more than unresolved sparks between them, or was it merely the two of them fumbling for comfort in the familiar sensation?

Then again, it couldn't be just that, could it? He had already told her what he felt for her. He had never stopped loving her, and judging by her actions throughout the afternoon, she still had feelings for him as well. She had not really said it to him in words.... but did he really need anything else from her than a kiss and her acceptance? She had allowed him to touch her, and that was a big deal, even though he had not gone out of the way to touch her in a sexual way. Still, he had sought her affection through his touch, and his kisses had not exactly been of the innocent kind. Just the memory of tasting her skin was enough to divert his attention from the situation at hand, and he had barely heard what Faith said before she went up the stairs to get changed. It was something with CDs and a bottle of wine. Why, of course! They were going to have dinner together!

He walked into the living room and searched for the stereo, which he believed was located inside the tall cupboard that had a quite special placement in the room. It was a fine piece of furniture, complete with a daunting design of exquisite details carved into it's surface with utmost care. It seemed to Jeremy that such a marvelous creation did not really fit it's designated purpose of keeping a stereo and a collection of CDs free of dust. But who was he to tell others how they should store their things?

He reached toward the armoire, and found his thoughts going back to the time right after the funeral. It made him turn around and stare toward the spot where he had sat down among old friends. Well, it was not like he had actually come around to be sociable and get up-to-date with the lives of the comrades from his youth. Nevertheless, he had been discovered and brought into their little gathering by Dan, and he did appreciate the fact that they all wanted to see him again. Amy had not looked too happy to see him, but he had yet to figure out why that was the case. Did she blame him for her and Ian's breakup, or did she just blame him for leaving Faith all those years ago? One thing was certain: they still needed to hear what she had to say about Ian and Lydia...

It appeared Faith had developed her taste in music in his absence. Even if each and every CD on the shelf belonged to his late brother, it was still an improvement compared to what they had listened to in the past. Actually, they had heard jazz back in the day, but not really on the same consistent level, which this collection in front of him clearly indicated. There was no hard rock to spice things up, no odd electronic pop music to lighten the mood. He noticed a couple of CDs with folk musicians like Mary Chapin Carpenter and Emmylous Harris, then his eyes moved on, and he found a recording that sparked his interest. “In the Wee Small Hours” by Frank Sinatra. It was not a romantic or sweet record; it was silent and thoughtful, dealt with themes like loneliness, depression and lost love. It was a bit of an oddity in this collection, but every person's taste had a nice tendency to conflict with itself at some point. He felt certain that it belonged to his brother, as the somber tone of the album fitted well with his personality. Not only that... it was music fitting for the whole situation. Lost love... well, hadn't they all lost that at some point prior to this?

It didn't take much consideration for Jeremy to pick the album off the shelf and put the disc into the stereo. Soon, Sinatra's soft vocal reached far and wide through the living room and into the other rooms of the first floor. Satisfied with his choice, Jeremy steered toward the kitchen to find a bottle of wine for them to enjoy together with the upcoming dinner. He looked inside the fridge, picked a brand of wine he recognized and opened it. He heard footsteps coming from the staircase, placed the bottle on the table to let it breathe and turned toward the door in time to see Faith enter the kitchen. The sight stunned him briefly, and he forced his eyes elsewhere as casually as he could.

She had exchanged her practical clothes from the trip for something much more simple, a neat summer dress of cotton. Not only did it suit her nicely, it also seemed to kiss her body lightly whenever she took a step forward. The dress reached halfway down her thighs, and was kept in place with thin straps that did little to conceal her neck and shoulders. She looked incredible. Like that fact wasn't enough in itself, his eyes had noticed something else in her appearance, something that caused him to turn his eyes away in secret embarrassment. He knew it was harmless; it was something that could be seen almost everywhere under the right circumstances. But he had witnessed the innocent reflex of the female body here and now, and the sight had filled him with a desire reminiscent of old times. That, in turn, convinced him of his weak will.

- All this just because Faith's nipples were pushing against the fabric of her dress in the most erotic display he could imagine.

“I hope you like the... music...” he glanced at her briefly, while he tried to mold the shy grimace on his face into a smile. When it failed, he turned his attention toward the wine on the table next to him and touched the label on the front carefully, as though he was about to examine it intensely. The charade was hilarious, but not necessarily as evident as he believed it to be. She had smiled to him, right? Maybe she was completely oblivious to what was going through his mind at the moment... or maybe she was doing everything in her power to pretend as well. It was not even logical for him to disregard his own reaction to what he had seen. He loved to touch her, enjoyed the sensation of her skin in his mouth... and the memory of sucking on her nipples was just, well... too arousing to think about at the moment.

He heard her talk about her plans for dinner. It appeared Italian food was still a classic in her eyes, and he couldn't really argue against it. There was something very delicious about the Italian kitchen's simplicity, and it luckily did not conflict with his choice of wine. He watched her in silence, as she started to prepare the elements of the meal. It took a little while before he approached her to get a better view of what she was doing. He returned the smile she sent him without pretense or nervousness. Then - almost out of nowhere - she began to talk about her parents. It surprised him at first, but the sad account of her parent's fate quickly rid his mind of any feeling of surprise or doubt.

Jeremy tried so hard to digest her message that he almost ignored Faith. He put the salad down on the table in an absent-minded way, and barely gave it any thought when he accepted the remaining items she handed him. Plates, napkins and silverware all found their way onto the table with minimal fuss, but he was at a loss for words. He did his best to help out where he could, and listened as she spoke about her father's solitude. When everything was ready, they sat down opposite each other at the table. He was hungry, but his focus was not at the food. The illness Faith's mother suffered from was bound to claim her life eventually, but it still shocked him to realize she was gone. It did not really comfort him to know that she had finally found peace. She was a kind woman, who had always supported them in their young love. It saddened him greatly. He did not feel too strongly about Faith's father, but it was hard to accept how quickly she had lost both of her parents.

He regarded her for a while with an intense look in his brown eyes. Then he reached across the table and placed a hand on hers, pushing bowls and wine glasses out of the way in the process. “I'm sorry Faith. You know how much I liked your mother. It was terrible to see the dementia eat away at her. She was so kind to me. As for your father... I think what you have just told me, gave me some valuable insight into his mindset. Turns out we weren't as different as we both thought.” Jeremy's last remark alluded to their mutual loss of love and the effect it had had on them. It was not quite comparable, but he found it easy to sympathize with a man, who had lost the love of his life. “And I'm sorry I did not ask about them sooner. I wanted to know, but I couldn't find the right moment to ask you, because I was afraid it would open up wounds, which I did not know anything about.”

He withdrew his hand and suddenly realized he had forgotten to pour wine into their glasses. The grin on his face revealed his mistake, and he rose quickly from his chair to undo his mistake. It only took him a few seconds to fetch the bottle and fill their glasses with the deep red beverage. Then he settled down in his chair again and reached out toward the salad bowl. It was now or never, if he wanted to start the infamous small talk. “I've been wondering about so many things lately. Being away for five years makes you lose track of everything. How is your job? Do you still like to teach? I mean, you were so good with kids, even when we were in school...”

“I hope you like the... music...” He said as she looked to him and smiled.

"Great choice. I love this CD. I'm rather surprised you picked it over what else there was. Wait, I should have told you to open up the cabinet doors below the row of CDs which you would have found the classic rock section, some funk-a-delic and some other stuff from back in my younger years that I listen to now and then when the mood strikes me." The CD was given to her by her father, it was actually one that her mother used to listen to in rare times when she slipped back into reality and remembered she liked to listen to Sinatra.

Faith noticed his eyes dropped to her breasts, she almost smirked but held her composure as she realized he had noticed her nipples were erect and pressing against the flowing linen material. It wasn't as if she could turn her back to Jeremy and reach up and push them back in, plus they were both adults and she was sure he could handle it, he was far from a monk which he told her earlier about his female pals of the past five years.

It was nice to have somebody in the house that she could enjoy a dinner with even though the occasion wasn't the best but her attitude was changing fast. Life was short, and over the past couple years she was seeing it right before her. First it was their baby, then it was her mother, her father followed soon after and then it was Ian. Four key players in the games called Faith's life. She often wondered if there was some sort of curse placed on her as she was now pretty much alone.

Faith watched as he set the table letting her enjoy watching him as she fiddled about with the silverware. Jeremy seemed to listen as she spoke about her parents. he knew the death of her mother would hit him a bit as he was very fond of her, then again she was liked by many till things started to go south.

Faith was so happy to be giving her a grandchild, in fact her mother was ecstatic and then when the baby was lost her mother was the one who like Faith took it hard. Now any of her children if she ever has any will never know their grandparents on her side of the family. Sad thought. Then again, would she ever have any more children? Faith wasn't sure, her biological clock was ticking away fast and she was feeling the scare of never being a mother. it was probably the one thing she wanted most in her life other than love.

She looked up at Jeremy and she could see her was still thinking about the news about her mother and father and she almost wished she hadn't told him but there was no other way around it. Growing up, her mother was like a mother to him and Ian at times. She was really the neighborhood mother to any of the kids that Faith brought home. Not that Faith minded she was good that way, in fact she wouldn't have changed anything about her mom or their relationship except that she wished she was around still.

“I'm sorry Faith. You know how much I liked your mother. It was terrible to see the dementia eat away at her. She was so kind to me. As for your father... I think what you have just told me, gave me some valuable insight into his mindset. Turns out we weren't as different as we both thought.” He said as she smiled to him.

She was placing food on the table, the basket of fresh warm garlic bread as she sat down and sighed as her stomach grumbled. "No worries Jeremy, she's in a way better place than she was here. I know this and feel pretty good about her passing most of the time. I think I'm glad you get to remember her as she was before the dementia set in. It wasn't pretty at all, she was mean and just opposite of what you knew her like personality wise." Faith offered him another smile, she meant what she said she was dealing with it all very well, least she thought so. He rested his hand upon hers as they spoke.

“And I'm sorry I did not ask about them sooner. I wanted to know, but I couldn't find the right moment to ask you, because I was afraid it would open up wounds, which I did not know anything about.” He said as she felt him pull his hand away from hers. He already knew she was starving as she told him that and was ready to enjoy a meal with him. it had been over five years since they sat at the same table and ate together.

Faith laughed as he got up and grabbed the bottle of wine and poured them each a glass. "Slipping in your old age..." she said with a smile. As she got her food upon her plate she crossed her legs and started eating. he relaxed a bit more and was settling in with her as she watched him start to take food. I've been wondering about so many things lately. Being away for five years makes you lose track of everything. How is your job? Do you still like to teach? I mean, you were so good with kids, even when we were in school...”

Faith began eating as she started answering his questions between bites and sips of food. "My job was wonderful, well it is but I have taken a leave of absence for the rest of the school year and of course the summer. There are things to do as you know and I cannot concentrate at this time. " Faith said as she sipped her wine and continued talking. "I love teaching, I can't see myself doing anything else but that. I thought about going back to college and getting another degree to help with disabled children, we shall see, as I haven't made my mind up yet but it has been a thought for over a year. Sometimes its hard to be around the kids, I have a few not so good days but then I wake up and a whole new day starts all over again."

Continuing to eat she didn't mind the silence now and then, the voice of Frank filled in the gaps. "Five years is a long time to be away, and I'm sure there are questions, some of them will take a bit more wine to talk about," and she was sure he understood what she was talking about when she said that. "What are your plans? I will need you to stay a bit to help me sort thought your brother's things if that's okay. I'd like to get things tied up, loose ends like the secrets so we can both leave the past in the past and start fresh. Sound good?"

Jeremy still remembered the first time he had seen Faith handling an infant. He was thirteen years old at the time and still at the brink of his physical development. He was – like other boys and girls at his age – starting to get curious about the opposite gender, but still on a level that he couldn't quite comprehend. The town's doctor had been invited to visit their school and teach the students a bit about contraception and safe sex. Except, the doctor showed up together with his wife, who had recently given birth to a little boy. It was a bold move, which some of the parents and teachers did not deem appropriate for the occasion. The doctor was a relatively young man, an idealist, kind and very concerned about every aspect of the local community. He did not urge his young audience to mate and get children, but he still believed it was pointless to cover up the act as taboo, something to be hidden.

“This handsome guy is the result of the mystery that mesmerizes you all! Some of you will want a child similar to him, and some of you will not. The most important question is: are you prepared to take responsibility of one his size and age? He's not a doll, you know!” The doctor had held up his son in front of the class while he spoke about the mysteries of life and the various other benefits of being careful. He tried to make them understand that it takes two people to dance and have fun, and that the responsibility of being careful and considerate was to be shared by both individuals. Not all of the students understood everything he told them, but they still got the basic idea; Having unsafe sex could result in illness and unwanted pregnancy. It was quite daunting information for the boys.

Jeremy's attention had not been entirely devoted to the doctor's teachings. His eyes had wandered about the classroom until they reached Keith, who seemed just as bored as he was. They had exchanged silly grimaces for a little while, then the principal had walked in between their tables as a subtle hint he knew what was going on. This had forced Jeremy to look at the doctor again, but his attention was diverted once more, this time by Faith. She was seated at a desk close to him, and he could almost always see what was going on there. She was completely lost in the sight in front of her eyes; the doctor's wife was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room with the infant boy in her arms. It was as though the woman could not help but notice the young teenager's interest in her child, and she reacted in the most natural way possible; she rose from her seat, went to the girl's desk and asked if she wanted to hold the baby. This otherwise simple gesture, which had failed to impress Jeremy in the beginning, was a monumental event in the girl's life. At least, that was how he had always thought about it after growing up.

“I'm glad you're still fond of your job. You were born to teach.” He was still finding the way back from his trip down memory lane, but it seemed other memories were still standing in line, just waiting for him to discover them once more. It was no big surprise to him that she loved her job. Her personality was suited to support and teach kids, she could be diplomatic, sensitive and firm whenever the situation demanded it. But not everything was like it used to be; Faith told him she found it hard to be around the kids at school, and it bothered him, because he knew the exact reason why she was facing such hardship. The loos of the child – their child – had marked her for life, and it empathized the notion that he had failed her, which he obviously had. “Helping disabled children sounds like just your thing. I can't think of a better person to do it. Besides, you are free to do what you think is right for you.”

“Your food is great, by the way... just like I remember it.” He couldn't quite figure out what to say to her at the moment. Why had he said that stuff about her being free to do as she pleased? The thought had appeared so right in his mind, but now that he had thrown it into the air, it somehow felt intrusive. Almost like he didn't care and just wanted to sent her on her merry way to a location far away from him. Even though he didn't want to let go, she didn't owe him anything anymore. His eyes continued to spy on her, while they ate together. Frank Sinatra's vocal did well to compliment the contemplative silence that followed right after his remark.

“When aunt Katie called me about Ian's death and asked me to come home... I wasn't too keen on the thought of returning, to be honest. I didn't have any plans when I got here, and I still don't... or, well, things have changed in a way I had not predicted. Wonderful and scary at the same time. I'm tired of running, tired of...” Jeremy's voice died out. His mind was slowly going back to the event at Ian's cabin, the things he had said and done. What did she think about him now? Why - just why - was he still trying to analyze everything? “Anyway, that was not the question you asked. I'm going to stick around as long as you need me to. It goes without saying I will help you sort through Ian's belongings. We will find a way to figure things out.... all the stuff with Lydia. I don't know what I will do afterwards. I will probably try to find a job and an apartment somewhere in town. Perhaps you would consider...” No, that approach would not work. He licked his lips and took a sip of his wine, visibly nervous and insecure about her reply to his next confession. He used the moment to pour more wine into their glasses. He had to be careful not to get drunk, but another glass of wine would hardly have that effect on him just yet.

“What do you want from me, Faith?” His question was not any better than his first approach to the thing that bothered him the most. Why did he keep working himself up like this? He knew she cared, but his personal obsession would not leave him alone. “I know I have been a fool, and I don't know if I can ever stop kicking myself for it. I don't know if you loved my brother like a wife loves her husband, but that doesn't change anything. He was there, when I wasn't. I guess, what I mean is... Once we are done with Ian's secret, I'll do whatever you want. Go away, stay in town... stay here... Anything that will make things easy for you. I'm sorry. I'm rambling.... did you ever get that book of yours? The one you were looking for five years ago, Silent Toast, Sad Encounter by P. F. Typpson?”

Surprisingly dinner was going well with them, she was enjoying the time they were spending together after such a long mentally and emotionally draining day. “I'm glad you're still fond of your job. You were born to teach.” He said as she smiled and took a sip of her wine. She could see he was somewhere deep in thought as she pondered where he was. was her back in the past with her or was he much closer and with the last woman he was with. it was hard to tell where he was, but she had a strong feeling he was with her in his thoughts.

“Helping disabled children sounds like just your thing. I can't think of a better person to do it. Besides, you are free to do what you think is right for you. he said as she smiled looking to him finishing a bit of her food and dabbing her lips with a cloth napkin not bothering if there was lips stick left upon it or not.

"Thank you for those kind words and the support Jeremy. As I said I love teaching but I find my life a bit mundane, and I think I need a change and I love sculpting the mind of our future presidents and business owners, doctors...but going in the way of the disabled children I think I'll find myself more fulfilled." She took another sip of her wine and smiled looking over at him. "Its time for a life change for me." faith said taking another bite and looking at his expression.

Faith didn't touch the free comment he added on the end of the statement right away, it was still sinking in that she was now alone to do as she pleased. Sad part was she really had nobody anymore. No family other than the one she married into and there wasn't much left to that one either. Jeremy and his aunt and uncle. She knew they were having a hard time with the death of their nephew, though Faith wasn't sure it was better to have one go sudden than to watch one waste away.

"Your food is great, by the way... just like I remember it.” He said as she smiled taking the compliment.

"Thank you, was nice to cook for another for a change and not eating alone as I had been for a while now. Your brother drifted away, he seemed so immersed in himself and business for a while now. I have no idea when we drifted apart, but it was a long time ago, we went from being close to being so distant."

She finished eating and stood up, clearing her plate and starting the water in the sink to wash everything and pulled out bowls to place the left over food into when he was finished. She sat back down with her glass of wine and looked around as he was finishing up and then looked to him. "Its been such a long day. It was a sad day yet in the same sense it was a good day in ways just the same. Odd feelings to have."

“When aunt Katie called me about Ian's death and asked me to come home... I wasn't too keen on the thought of returning, to be honest. I didn't have any plans when I got here, and I still don't... or, well, things have changed in a way I had not predicted. Wonderful and scary at the same time. I'm tired of running, tired of...” he said as she sat up and held the stem of the glass between her fingers and listened to him speak, as she missed hearing his voice for so long then he stopped as she swirled the wine in the glass.

“Anyway, that was not the question you asked. I'm going to stick around as long as you need me to. It goes without saying I will help you sort through Ian's belongings. We will find a way to figure things out.... all the stuff with Lydia. I don't know what I will do afterwards. I will probably try to find a job and an apartment somewhere in town. Perhaps you would consider...” Jeremy said and then stopped in mid-sentence.

Taking another sip of wine she was waiting for him to finish off his statement wondering what was going on inside his mind. faith wanted to give him time to finish it before she commented in case he was having a hard time putting words to his thoughts as she was doing the same. She hated tip-toeing about a subject. the old faith hated confrontation and would run the other way. the woman she was now, stood up for herself which was why she didn't care who seen them or who said what. Small minds, small time gossip as so many people had nothing better to do with their time.

Faith watched as he filled their glasses, and thanked him. The old young Jeremy was never at loss for words as he was always the first to rattle on but the man he was today and with her he was having a hard time and faith couldn't blame him it was a little awkward but that would pass she was sure. “What do you want from me, Faith?” Jeremy asked her catching her off guard as she was just taking a sip and nearly choked on the wine. Faith laughed as she dabbed her lips once again and smiled.

I know I have been a fool, and I don't know if I can ever stop kicking myself for it. I don't know if you loved my brother like a wife loves her husband, but that doesn't change anything. He was there, when I wasn't. I guess, what I mean is... Once we are done with Ian's secret, I'll do whatever you want. Go away, stay in town... stay here... Anything that will make things easy for you. I'm sorry. I'm rambling.... did you ever get that book of yours? The one you were looking for five years ago, Silent Toast, Sad Encounter by P. F. Tyson?”

Okay he went and laid it on the table finally. This was all the areas that needed to be put out there on the table so they could figure this all out. "I agree you should be kicking yourself in the ass for losing the best thing that you will ever have!" Faith said and laughed. the wine wasn't getting to her but she wanted him to know that she was trying to step out of their box and look at the whole picture in a different perspective so she could maybe understand why he did what he did so many years ago and then close the door to the past and look forth to the future. the past had a way of bogging a person down and there were parts she couldn't let go and wouldn't but most of it needed a door closed upon it.

"Ian and I were like best friends. We enjoyed each other's company, we traveled around, and then the loss of the baby hit hard and from there things went crazy. That wasn't why, things were just out of place. he went his way and I went mine. I don't know what happened really." Faith took another sip of wine and continued. "There was a phone call, well a series of them for over a six month period and he would close himself in that room and I wouldn't see him till sometime the next day. The friendship we had was gone."

"Jeremy, I don't want you to go away. But you are right, we do need to figure all of this out with the secrets to move forth." She swirled the wine around in her glass and then took a sip and smiled as she looked across to him. " I cannot believe you remembered the title of that book, I'm impressed and no I never got a copy." She laughed and shook her head. " Those little things like that are what made me love you. How you could remember the smallest of things when i would forget. I always thought it would be me remembering for you in our old age."

Faith got up and cleared away his dished and put the left over away and put all the dirty dishes in the sink and walked back to the table and grabbed the glass of wine. "Come on with me." Faith led him outside and sat down on an old metal glider that she had refurnished and the sky had cleared and there were so many stars above. She patted the space aside her. "I love coming out here and stretching out on this and just looking at the stars. I've made so many wishes over the years and none came true till today when you appeared at my door. I want things to be tied up before we decide to do whatever we decide. Deal?"

Jeremy felt like a fool for running with his emotions for god knew what time that day. Not that it was a surprise to himself anymore, but it certainly did not help improve his own mood. They were supposed to talk honestly with each other, and though he actually enjoyed the atmosphere of the two of them sitting together over dinner, it couldn't hide the fact he was just making a fool of himself again and again. With everything that had happened during the day, he was starting to wonder why he had turned into such a failure. The last couple of years had been an endless journey of drifting from one girl to another, drinking in solitude and having almost no social life at all. Years in complete denial of his own mistakes, years of keeping up appearances for the sake of fitting in wherever he went.

Now he was home again and in the company of a woman, who made him feel more safe than he had felt in the last five years. After spending the afternoon with her at Ian's cabin, he was falling deeper into the old patterns of yesterday. It surprised him he was still clinging to the irrational safety of being afraid, shameful and frustrated all at once. He had thought about asking her if she would consider taking him back, but the very wording of the question did not really cover what he had in mind. He wanted things to get back to normal; There was nothing else he wanted more. If he had asked her to take him back, it would have made him look sullen and desperate, like a dying man begging for a last favor. So instead of covering it all up with nice words, it had been twisted into a direct question. The question that was so important to him, it even managed to break through his intention of being subtle and kind. Because... what did Faith really want from him?

She had laughed at his question, but he had ignored it and just followed it up with a string of unconnected views and apologies. Once he had finished rambling, he had turned his eyes down and focused on his meal, too embarrassed to look her in the eye and face whatever answer she had in store for him. There was nothing evil in the way she had laughed, but he couldn't figure out why she would laugh at his question in the first place. Couldn't she tell how serious he was?

Her first comment sounded harsh in his ears and was accompanied by another outburst of laughter. These conflicting features of her reply puzzled him greatly, and left him wondering if she was starting to get drunk. However, it didn't seem to be the case at all, so he turned toward the only other likely conclusion he could think of; she was simply trying to lighten the mood between them. It made sense. Her remark, although harsh in tone, was nothing more than her agreeing to his statement, something that was only logical, given how much he blamed himself. But when she laughed, it was to remove any trace of harshness in her words, and even though Jeremy did not laugh with her, he still understood her reason for trying.

She mentioned Ian, and provided him with some new details about the relationship she had had with his late brother. It was impossible for both of them to know how the loss of the child actually affected Ian, but Jeremy had a feeling the terrible event had hurt him more than anyone could understand. He certainly knew how he would have felt if he... if he had been in the same situation. Though, the more he learned about Faith and Ian's marriage, the more he realized it had not been as perfect, as his brother had told him. Question was whether his brother's charade had been an attempt to protect Jeremy or to keep him from returning altogether? What had Ian actually gained from marrying Faith, other than the possibility of playing happy family with her? Was it worth the hassle of enduring vile gossip and hostile glares from the majority of townsfolk? Whatever Faith could give him, it couldn't surpass anything he could get from his previous girlfriends. Unless he loved Faith with all of his heart, of course, but they had already established that possibility to be untrue. Judging by all the details they had gathered throughout the day, Ian loved another girl from their teenage years. The phone calls, which Faith spoke about, strengthened his suspicion that the two lovers had been in contact even after Ian had married Faith. It somehow shattered the perfect image of his brother.

He forced his eyes away from the empty dish and back to the woman at the other side of the table. Not because he had finished eating, but because she said she didn't want him to leave town again. Her words made him smile, and the smile only grew in size as she complimented his memory. Even so, he remained silent and took another sip of his wine. It was as though her sweet approach was proof of a universal understanding between them; they had both thought they would grow old together. But whereas the reminder would have infused Jeremy with anger only days ago, it now filled him with nostalgic feelings instead.

He assisted her the best he could in clearing the table, and was about to wash the first dish in the sink when she told him to follow her. He complied in silence, with his glass of wine in one hand and a quaint smile on his lips. As soon as they stepped outside, they were met by a cooling breeze and a clear, dark sky littered with all sorts of stars. The night had finally prevailed against it's eternal rival, and it now celebrated it's glorious victory with the all the natural beauty it could muster. It was nice to feel the air brush against his face, feel it clear his senses and soothe his nerves. He followed her invitation, took a seat next to her and listen to what she had to say. Had she really wished for him to return, even after all the things he had put her through?

“You make everything sound so simple, Faith.” he said, staring into the endless mass of stars and dark matter above them. It took a while before he drew his attention away from the impressive sight of the night sky and turned to face her: “Just like when we younger. Always so simple and positive, and I loved you just for that simple reason. Everything felt so easy in your company. Never mind bills or essays, nagging neighbors or annoying friends. As long as we had each other, everything was going to be fine. I remember you once said something like that to me. I've learned something very important about you over the last couple of days... when I heard you speak before, when we were driving together in your car earlier... when we argued... yes, even when I showed up at your door for the first time in years and demanded an answer from you.” He lowered his head briefly in embarrassment, and cleared his throat before he continued. “All the little things I've discovered about you, have made me think long and hard, and I believe, I finally understand it now. Truth is, you are not the same woman I left behind, and I'm not the same man, who left you. You are much stronger than I had ever thought you would become. You are direct, you are not afraid to stand up to yourself... you even had the courage to kiss me. I wanted to kiss you from the very moment I saw you again, but I fought the urge to do so. I was so caught up in myself to understand it... but that is how it is. I think it's ironic you ended up taking the initiative in that situation.”

“You were so timid back when we were a couple, sweet and innocent. I was always very focused on protecting you back then, but I couldn't give you the children you wanted, because I was afraid I would not be able to live up to the ideals of being a parent. I know it sounds odd, but that was how I felt. I mean... I love my aunt and uncle, but they are not my real parent. I've known that since Ian and I were kids. Bob was a good father figure, but... I've always lacked the conviction I could raise a child. What if I died and left you and the child to be on your own? What if something happened, and I couldn't be there for him or her? I know it doesn't make sense. Amanda...” Jeremy paused for a moment and looked up at Faith again. His smile had been exchanged for the usual expression of seriousness. “Amanda told me it was an irrational fear, and she was right. We don't know what tomorrow brings. We can't control the world around us, and that was basically what I was trying to do, when I left town five years ago. I wanted to be sure I would not make a mistake. Mind you, it would not have been a mistake to stay by your side forever, and it would not have been a mistake to become a parent. But failing you.... that was an option I could not accept. Funny how I ended up failing you either way. I know I have changed over the years as well. I've become... well, people would probably say I've become dry. Serious, melancholic. Bitterness and self-pity does that kind of thing to you, even if you are fully aware of the changes. I was actually afraid you would be just like me; too angry and bitter to forgive. You're not. You are different, but underneath all that, I still sense the woman I knew and loved.”

“No matter what happens, Faith... you should know I've always wanted to be back in town with you. Even when I was most angry with Ian and you, even when I hated my brother beyond reason... Deep down, I just wanted to be with you. I thought about going back more than once. I actually don't think a day went by without the thought crossing my mind in some way. But I was a coward. I didn't want to return, if that meant accepting you had picked Ian over me. I still don't know why my brother gave me the impression things were magical between him and you, because they clearly were not. Did I just deserve to be kept in the dark, or was he trying to tell me something? Maybe he just thought I had to be taught a lesson.” Another moment of silence caught up with him. He took a sip of his wine and turned is eyes toward the stars above once more. Time for a change of subject, perhaps? “I remember sitting up late when we were kids, watching stars... just the four of us. Ian, Amy, you and I. Sometimes, a few guys from the gang would show up as well. Like the time where Ian and I managed to scare the hell out of Dan and Keith by accident. Other times, we would just sit and talk about the future. Wonder about where we were going and why.” His voice trailed off just like his mind did, and he smiled at the sweet memories.

Faith watched as his expressions changed after asking her that one little question and he didn't seem to pleased with her answer but to lighten the mood she said what she did and the laugh was added so he would understand why she said it. It was as if they stepped back all those years ago and yet it was different just the same but she liked having him back.

There was no reason to hide anything about what was between her and his brother. Faith wasn't afraid to talk about it because it was far from the perfect marriage, it wasn't a true marriage from the start. Some could call it a sham but they were friends, how many couples marry not for love but for other reasons? People do things for reasons and they each had their own to justify the commitment they made.

Faith wasn't the type to cheat, oh there were other men that flirted with her but she never flirted back. She was committed to that marriage to Ian even though she was fining out her suspicious about him may have been right but he was gone and she wasn't going to allow it to change her opinion about him. That was now the past, it was hard to close the door so quickly but the secrets were making it possible. She wanted them all out whether they cut like a knife or not it was time, time that was way over due.

Jeremy sat there eating as she drank her wine, things were falling back into place as that odd feeling was slowly disappearing. Within a short time she went from seeing him standing at her front door and feeling so much hate and anger within her to feeling that love again that was there closed up, bottled in a separate place of her heart where it had always remained and not it was like the top was removed and the emotions were slowly spilling from the top and he was softening her all over again and it wasn't taking much as she looked at him, so much older in ways and yet still the same in others.

He was so right in what he said about her and what he had seen in this Faith that was here and now verses the older younger version. She was but a mere little girl growing up thinking life was perfect, everything was ice cream and unicorns but it wasn't and it was those lessons that made her the woman she was today. There was a lot that changed and yet some stayed the same. She liked who she was but she wasn't happy with some of the choices she made in life but the thing was, she learned not to dwell on the past because anything you did or things you say couldn't be changed. Learn and move along without rose colored glasses and blinders on.

"I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to taste your lips because every day since the day you walked out of my life I missed the kisses, the taste of your lips and I could still feel those same kisses when I would sit alone on the back porch wondering where you were and why you left and how you were if alive or not. Some things a person just cannot get enough of or replace with another." Faith said taking another sip of her wine then refilling the glass half way.

She listened to him speak, allowing him to have his time as she enjoyed hearing his voice thought it was different as were his looks he was still the same man that held her heart forever and always. “You were so timid back when we were a couple, sweet and innocent. I was always very focused on protecting you back then, but I couldn't give you the children you wanted, because I was afraid I would not be able to live up to the ideals of being a parent.... he said and when Faith heard that it cut like a knife. It took everything within her to hold back the tears once again.

She had no clue when and if those would ever stop when it came to the lost of her, their child. Another sip of wine was needed if they were going to go down this road as she took a big gulp and swallowed hard and placed the glass back on the table and sighed as she continued to listen to him speak.

When he said about him questioning about being a parent Faith really understood why he felt that way. She knew back then that if he wouldn't had left he would have because of not having parents that it would have been trying at first with the whole adjustment of knowing he was to be a father and that maybe would have caused him to run regardless. For a moment Faith thought he had called her another woman's name...Amanda but then realized he hadn't and her heart came back up from the pit of her stomach and the anger that flashed before her eyes dissipated as quick as it came. She was glad she had learned to not jump all the time when things were said, mind you sometimes it still happened but more so it was under control." Amanda was right Jeremy."

Faith thought it would kill her to say another woman's name, but it didn't for some reason the woman had told him the truth and had been able to make him understand his fear and how irrational it was. Perhaps it took another to do something she may have never been able to do. For that she was grateful.

"Funny how paths lead us, the forks in the road we stand at and we look down each one and then we choose which to take. Some go the easy way, some the hard and some take the path that is neither. But they say everything is a circle and one that has no beginning or ending and we are that. We are this circle...continuous. But yes, I am different. I am strong, I can stand up for myself and my wants and needs and whatever else it may be. I love this woman who I have become and in many ways, I am proud of certain choices I have made."

Jeremy admitted he wanted to be with her as she had always wanted to be with him and it warmed her more than he could imagine. Words can cut so deep that people cannot forget and forgive but Faith had hope about one day him returning but not this way and if he had she knew she would have left Ian to be with him. "I don't wish to speak ill of the dead but Ian had his ways, he had his moods and he did things sometimes that I never understood."

She watched as he took a sip of his wine and they locked eyes across the table. She smiled when he brought up the past, two couples enjoying the night sly together. Two couples she thought would be together forever. As they used to talk about so much. School, jobs, places they wished to go, children though it was a quick passing subject mainly between her and Amy it was still brought up. Even weddings and who was going to be married first. Those were subjects Amy and Faith would whisper about when Jeremy and Ian would walk away for whatever reasons leaving them alone together to dream upon the stars. She watched him smile as she smiled back.

"Those were the good times. I am glad we all had them. I wouldn't give those up for anything. The memories are all we have from childhood, some good some bad but the good ones prevailed in my eyes. Then again my name is Faith and I was the one who always found a silver lining, I had the Faith I think for all of us."

Taking in a deep breath and letting it out she smiled again thinking back then looked at him. "Shall we at least get some of the study done tonight? I have boxes in the living room for part of it. "

There it was again: the innocent simplicity, which his mind always linked together with the woman, who he had once known from childhood and loved from early manhood. Faith's words of fate and circles immediately reinforced his earlier statement, but also served as a way for her to point out that she was proud of the woman she had become. Such a strong sense of self-worth was enough to make her twice as appealing as her younger self, at least in his eyes, and that fact alone effected him more than he cared to admit. She had wept for Ian at the ceremony, and she had continued to show signs of grief throughout their afternoon together, but the strong grief inside her could not keep her personality in check. She was definitely worth fighting for. Jeremy couldn't exactly say the same thing about himself. The last couple of days had given him a second chance at looking at everything from a fresh perspective, and he was not fond of what he had learned in the process. All the revelations had triggered drastic changes within himself, but not every aspect of his personality had benefited from those changes yet. Sometimes it was just too easy to stand still in the safety of certain emotions, especially if they were egocentric or self-destructive in nature.

He filled his lungs with another chunk of fresh, cool air and returned her smile. There was a underlying irony in accepting they were going into Ian's study to clean his things out already. Not because he actually found the prospect of stripping the room of his brother's belongings to be entertaining, but because it went against what he had promised himself when they arrived at the house. However, as evident by the few topics they had been over at dinner, it was difficult to avoid mentioning Ian completely. After all, they all came from the same small town, and Ian was an irrevocable part of their past. Everything that had transpired somehow seemed connected to this deceased member of their family. Not only was he his brother and best friend, he had also once been Faith's to-be brother-in-law and – much later – husband. It was an odd mixture of titles to be worn by one person, but that was nevertheless how it was. No wonder it was impossible for them to keep his brother out of the discussion.

“This might be as good a moment as any other.” His statement came out silently, while he stared out at the dark contours of the backyard. When Faith had asked him to join her on the porch during his first visit, he had very much enjoyed the design and shape of the garden. It was simple, with a few tall trees framing the corners of the backyard, and rows of bushes and flowers strategically placed along the fence surrounding the property. It had appeared so fresh and green when it was showered with sunlight, but now it just looked foreign and menacing. “I thought it would do us good to ignore Ian and his.... ghosts for now, but it seems we can't really avoid it. Things won't change or get better until we have dealt with his stuff. Maybe we'll find some more clues in his belongings.”

Jeremy got up from his seat, took a few steps forward and brought his arms up above his head in a stretching-motion. The action poured a few ounce of new energy back into his limbs, but also made him aware of how exhausted he felt. When he finally twisted around on the spot, he could only gesture for her to lead the way. He followed right behind her, and struggled to find a suitable mask to put on. No matter what they were going to discover among Ian's stuff, it was sure to push things in some kind of direction. The only thing that bothered him was in which direction it would actually lead them in the end. His brother had surely stashed a lot of unimportant documents away inside his private area. Just how long would it take for them to go through everything?

They entered the house through the kitchen. He took advantage of the opportunity and placed his empty glass next to the sink; there would be no more wine for him tonight. Not that he had grown hysterical about drinking, or was afraid he would suddenly empty three bottles of whiskey if he got a bit of wine. He had not been an alcoholic in the word's typical sense, but some things were always up for further interpretation. There had been weeks and months where he had not touched alcohol at all. Whenever he found himself a job - even though it was mostly only a passing joy – he always refused to drink wildly with his colleagues. Or well, that was in the beginning, when he was blissfully ignorant of how things were back home. Even after he learned about Ian and Faith, he didn't drink too much at first; the anger and jealousy was enough to keep him mentally occupied. However, it didn't take long for his mind to demand some kind of action, and his reply had been quite idiotic. Colleagues, drinks and women. What more did he need?

It was his luck that Amanda had run into him at the bar; It had been his third visit in only five days, and he was already well on his way to establish himself as a drunk loser, when she walked into the bar and ordered a beer. Drunk and lonely as he was, he had approached her to find out what she was doing in the company of sad losers like him. Quite illogical for a girl of her class, she had greeted him and returned his curious inquiries in a most effective way. By asking him a simple question, she also unknowingly set uncontrollable things in motion. And in his hazy mind, so full of liquids and smoke, his remaining self had repeated her question until he finally understood the words to the fullest: What was he doing at the bar?

“Faith... there was something I wanted to ask you earlier...” It was a clumsy approach, almost pathetic. He reached out to take her by the wrist, right as she was about to step through the door leading into his brother's room. To show he meant no harm, he let his fingers rub gently against her skin. It wasn't long before they traveled the short distance to her hand and locked themselves around her fingers. It led him to wonder if the only thing he really wanted was to be in physical contact with her. The shy smile on his lips betrayed his effort to hide the mixed feeling of embarrassment and fear. He felt stupid for behaving rashly, and he was forever afraid to be rejected. “What happened to Mr. Catches after I left? I know he was old, and all... I was just... wondering... I mean, he meant a great deal to both of us, didn't he?”

Faith knew that they needed to do this, even if it was just this one room it was his brother's room. Ian's private space and if there was anything he would have wanted his little brother to have it would be in this room like all the fishing pieces that were collected and the lures he bought and some he hand crafted and just sat about. there were books on fishing, places to fish....rods and reels stuffed in the closet along with all this fishing gear. She believed Jeremy should have it all with the exceptions of her things because she liked fishing from time to time especially when it was dealing with traveling to some where out of the blue like the Great Lakes.

The night's air was nice tonight as they sat on the back porch looking over the yard, the flowers slipping into the darkness along with everything else around them but it was fine, it was oddly enough almost perfect in her eyes. Things were, no things seemed complicated but in reality they were far from it. Faith thought it was human nature for some people to take a situation and turn it complicated which wasn't her, or she at least tried not to do that but had a feeling Jeremy was over thinking the triangle now between his dead brother's image, himself and Faith. She figured he would need time but it was the one thing they had at the moment.

“This might be as good a moment as any other.” he said as she took a sip of wine and rested her head back on the back part of the lounge and softly laughed. “I thought it would do us good to ignore Ian and his.... ghosts for now, but it seems we can't really avoid it. Things won't change or get better until we have dealt with his stuff. Maybe we'll find some more clues in his belongings.” He said as she laughed again and couldn't stop.

"I am so sorry Jeremy. I wasn't laughing about that but looking out over the green lawn it made me think back when we were all caught out in the rain...." She laughed even more and snorted as tears fell from her eyes. "And, and...you fell down that one hill and rolled all the way to the bottom....split your pants all the way from back to front and we had to go to that dinner party..." Faith laughed so hard thinking back over it. "Sorry, but that is a silver lining, and one of the funniest things ever as you walked in front of the whole town proudly with your bright neon orange boxer briefs showing."

Faith chuckled a little more and once more she lightened the mood for herself if not him as well. But that was one of those moments that would live forever in time. "We cannot forget but we can move on in time Jeremy. He was your brother and best friend, fishing bubby, and parent as well. But, I do understand what you mean. For now his ghost will linger till all these ducks are put in a row and secrets are out." taking another sip she turned her head and looked at him. "But there are times we can put it all aside till then, like later this evening, we can put it aside and do or talk about whatever if you'd like."

Faith finished her drink and she watched as Jeremy stood up and stretched, her eyes moving along his body nice and slowly before she herself got up and stood. he waited for her to lead the way back into the house as she stopped and placed her glass in the drink knowing she had her share. faith knew when to stop, she knew when she needed to flag herself before anything stupid happened or she did anything foolish like dance naked in the backyard. Grabbing some folded boxes and tape from the hall closet she led them to the office door where she stopped, swallowed hard a couple times then as she was about to open the office door she felt Jeremy wrap his fingers around her wrist and stop her .

“Faith... there was something I wanted to ask you earlier...”Faith felt his fingers move along her soft skin caressing it as she looked at him. “What happened to Mr. Catches after I left? I know he was old, and all... I was just... wondering... I mean, he meant a great deal to both of us, didn't he?”

Faith held the look to his eyes, she felt a surge go through her every time he touched her. Even when they yelled her body responded in such a way she knew what feelings were still within her and it was everyone that was there five years back. "One day I came home from work and he was lying outside on the porch in the sun and when I called him he didn't come. I thought he was sleeping, till I walked out and he didn't move. Took him to Dr. Brown and he had to put him to sleep because he had something wrong with his heart. I brought him home and buried him in the flower garden. I often wondered if it was broken like mine." Faith said and turned opening the office door and then stopped.

"Sorry Jeremy I didn't mean it that way. I meant that after you left things went down hill for me and I think he sensed it all. Pets are like humans in many ways." Faith tried to smile but it was such a hard time when he left that she went into depression as she swore the cat did as well. It wasn't the same with Ian, the cat didn't take to him at all. "The cat and Ian were not best friends. Catches and him didn't see eye to eye on things, like sleeping on the bed, or laying on the back of his chair in the living room or him going into the office and laying on the desk when the sun was coming up."

Stepping into the office she tried to smile as she sucked in a breath and held it walking through the doorway. Faith moved around and stepped aside letting Jeremy have the desk as she was going to start on the book shelf. Most of it all was just books. "We can put everything in the garage and look through it later like the books. You may decided you want them/some or for your aunt and uncle or wherever/whoever..."

Faith started packing books away in a box as she would she would fan through the pages and every now and then would find slips of paper between pages with maybe something scribbled on them but most of the time it related to the book. Every now and then she would fins one with numbers, or single words upon them and place them aside in case they meant something. She finished packing the first box and slid it across the floor and out into the hallway. It was way to heavy to lift and as she returned and taped another box she looked at Jeremy making sure he was okay. "You okay?"

She didn't wait for a response as she turned and started the box and as she pulled one book off and fanned through it she watched an envelope fall out. It was resealed from being in the book and it was dated about the time Jeremy had left all those years back. Turning it over she read who it was sent by, Dr. Miller, Davis & Barker- Fertility Clinic.

Faith turned it back over as she walked out of the office without saying anything to him, she reopened the envelope and took out the paper and unfolded it and began to read it...--.Dear Mr. Ian Morris, We regret to inform you after the last tests that what we spoke about was true. Your pituitary gland does not send the right hormonal messages to the testes. This has resulted in both low testosterone levels and a failure of the testes to produce sperm which cause you to be 100% infertile.-

She sat there in the living room looking over the letter and reading it again and again. It all came into the light as to why he offered to marry her as soon as Jeremy left town. Faith got up and walked towards the office and stood in the door way and leaned against the frame. "Ian wasn't able to have children. He found out right before you left and then when I came up pregnant he seen it as a way to have a child that was still his blood so he married me to give the child a father and so he could have one that was of his own blood or as close as one could be." That was when she handed Jeremy the letter as she walked off into the kitchen and started herself a pot of coffee as she wasn't sure how she felt at that moment.

faith was feeling a bit betrayed...deceived...angry and yet she didn't want to be that way. She was trying to see it from Ian's point of view but was having a hard time getting past the truth as he could have told her, shared this with her.

Jeremy received the news about their old pet with stoic calm written across his face. The fate of Mr. Catches could never be a surprise to him; it was only to be expected that the elderly cat had been put to rest years ago. With the matter of age in mind, it was a logical conclusion to the cat's life, and so, there were no hints of tears in his eyes and no heavy sense of regret in his soul. Although, deep inside, he wept bitter tears over the loss of his furry friend. It made things even worse when Faith's brought up her own theory regarding their cat's apparent ability to sympathize with her despair. It was not really his style to regard pets as being sensitive on the same level as she suggested, but it touched a tiny part of his heart in such a way that he almost lost control for a moment. Was it possible that some creatures were able to bond with one another across seemingly impregnable differences like species and element? Had Mr. Catches' declining health been affected negatively, after he left? Was it indirectly... his fault?

“It's quite okay, Faith.” There was no way he could be angry with her, and certainly not in this matter. He was not happy with the remark about her broken heart and the cat's fate, but it was an understandable conclusion. It was not a secret that he had hurt her by leaving without a word, and he would simply have to withstand the reminder of his neglect for as long as it took. Besides, Faith had not mentioned it to be cruel. He could see it in her eyes, the meek attempt at a smile, even hear it in her voice. “I'm not surprised about Ian. He... was quite scared of cats. Not that I believe he would ever admit it to anyone, and he probably never told you. He got scratched by a rather large member of the species when he was about six years old. Do you remember Miss Olson's monster of a cat? That one could really defend itself, even when it was not in any danger. For a couple of scratches, it was quite bad. Some things are, well, just hard to forget. He never had much cat-appeal after that event.”

It was odd, the way things came back to him. Memories, which were so utterly insignificant when left unshared, found a new meaning the very moment they were brought into the light. He had almost forgot about the time where Ian had 'saved' him from Lord Montrose, the neighborhoods uncrowned king of cats. Jeremy just wanted to save a young bird from the beast's terrible fangs, but the task had proved too much for him. Instead, the would-be savior had desperately been in need of saving himself. He had escaped the incident with only a mild scratch on his hand; his elder brother had ended in a direct combat with the huge cat. But, as Ian would later tell his younger sibling, saving the poor bird's life was worth the pain. Although, whenever Jeremy tried to talk with his brother about the episode, it was pretty clear that he just wanted to laugh it off.

He followed right behind her into the office, and brushed lightly against as her as he made his way to the desk. The air inside the room was still heavy with the same sense of dread, which he had felt earlier that afternoon, but the company of someone else made the sensation less prevalent. He settled down in his brother's chair with ease, rubbed the elegant armrests of the chair for a few moments, before he leaned forward in sudden anticipation. He heard it clearly as Faith began to go through the content of the book shelves and the large bookcase somewhere behind him. Eventually, he shut it out and focused on the desk in front of him. It had four large drawers; none of them were locked, but all were shrouded in deep mystery.

Jeremy opened the top drawer and found nothing noteworthy inside. Paperclips, pencils, notepaper and other such office material took up space inside it. The second one was full of documents, personal papers of a more recent date, but nothing very important. Drawer number three mostly contained discs and CDs – Jeremy skipped it and went on to open the final drawer instead. Despite it being the largest of the four, it was empty save for a tin box and an unfinished album of photos. It looked as though Ian had been working on his own version of the family album, which they had discovered in the cabin. It didn't feel important, but he nevertheless picked up both items and put them on the desk. Then he turned his attention back to the third drawer and it's content of discs. Pulling each disc out one by one, he read their labels carefully and arranged each disc loosely after theme and content. Most of them were recorded with a camcorder, family discs marked with labels such as “Holiday with aunt Katie and uncle Bob”, “Thanksgiving” and “Summer Festival". A smaller amount of the discs had been used for the purpose of recording fishing documentaries directly from television. There were also some discs with digital copies of documents and contracts related to Ian's work. Finally, the drawer contained a large portion of original CDs complete with case and cover. Jeremy suspected they were of special importance, but he did not recognize any of them as part of his brother's favorites. Maybe they just marked another change in Ian's personality and mood?

When he was almost done going through the discs, he reached into the far back of the drawer and drew out the four remaining cases. Two of them went into the pile with family video, one into the pile dedicated for work and – the last one was unlabeled. Or rather, it had a date, a number and several letters written upon it, styled in an odd fashion and without any apparent sense of order. The numbers indicated a affiliation to an unknown number of similar discs, but it was the only one, which Jeremy had found inside the confinement of the desk. What was recorded on this one? Fishing exploits? Sports matches? Jeremy's jealousy also threw the possibility of naughty home-video into the wild guessing, but he rejected the absurd idea before it even came to full fruition. It was simply too idiotic to believe that his brother would be so reckless to record such things. What did the disc contain, and why had it been placed in the drawer to begin with? Perhaps it was a mistake, perhaps it had been put there on purpose. But why?

“Sorry, what?” Jeremy's thoughts were interrupted by Faith's concern, and it took a while for him to realize that she had actually asked him about something. He put the disc down at the center of the desk, and turned the chair around to see what she was doing. It surprised him to see that she had left the office already, but he quickly shrugged it off and instead turned his attention toward the tin box on the desk. The moment he took the lid off the box, he was greeted by a photograph of two laughing boys – their father and their uncle Bob. It was the first in a long line of familiar sights, and they all made him smile in each their way. It wasn't long before his reunion with old family members where interrupted by the reappearance of Faith. Contrary to last time, her words immediately broke through to him.

“He what?” He made no attempt to hide the surprise in his voice. For the second time within less than twenty minutes, he turned the chair around. This time, he caught a glimpse of Faith as she stood in the doorway and stared in his direction. Judging by the look on her face, she was just as shocked as he was. Yet, when she handed him the letter and went out of the office again, Jeremy came to wonder if there was more to her emotions than what her expression revealed. It undoubtedly weighed her down to learn that Ian had his own motives for marrying her. Motives that were far beyond the common gestures of a gentleman, motives that had her believe he was acting out of good intentions. Though it probably was true from a certain point of view, the revelation of his infertility really put things in a new perspective. Still, it didn't feel like Ian to be so cunning and deceptive.

“Faith?” Jeremy rose from the comfortable chair and went – letter in hand – all the way into the kitchen. He found his old flame standing in front of the coffee machine, face down and silent. He approached her, holding the letter out between them as though it was a shield. “Faith.. I know what you mean. This letter makes so much sense. I mean, it fits with the fact that Ian offered to help you, and I'm sure he would have loved to have been by your side all the way through the pregnancy.” He kept the references to their child as vague as possible. It was quite okay to accept that his brother wanted a family more than he did, but it was hard to admit it in person, especially now that he knew the child was his. “But do you honestly believe Ian did not have other reasons than this? It would have meant giving up everything, just to have a child. Not to help you, not to pick up where I messed up... only to raise a child of his own blood. That would make him way more selfish than I would ever care to consider likely.”

He went silent for a moment, tried to get a hold on his own theories and the things he wanted to say to her. It was not the right time to screw up any message he wanted to convey. The letter was folded together, almost without thinking about it, and tucked away in his back pocket. “What if he took the test, because his relationship with Amy was dependent on a child? What if he did it, to find out if he was the reason why she could not get pregnant? I know the date of the letter suggests otherwise, and perhaps they had already split up at the time. But we can't afford to make assumptions without knowing his thoughts.”

The last three words held an odd familiarity, which Jeremy could not quite connect to anything he knew. Knowing his thoughts? Knowing his brother's thoughts? He recognized the words clearly, but still lacked the last drop of conviction needed to make a positive identification of the thing it reminded him of. Why did it ring a bell in his mind?

“Wait... knowing his thoughts... 'knowing his thoughts'...?” One could easily have misunderstood his repetition of the phrase as a sudden display of humor on his part. That is, if one was able to block out the serious tone in his voice and the wrinkles that appeared on his forehead. The thing, the term, the name... whatever it reminded him about, it was right on the tip of his tongue. It just needed that last push to get into the open. Thoughts... his thoughts... thoughts equaled emotions.... knowing was knowledge... knowledge was set in stone, written down... Knowing his thoughts was... KHT “Ian's book, of course!” Jeremy's outburst was accompanied by a snap of his fingers. He moved closer to Faith, his body shaking in visible excitement. “Ian used to read books by a specific author named Hingeborough. The first book he read was Knowing His Thoughts. He was completely taken by that book, and he always referenced to it when we were kids. Now, Ian kept a diary when he was ten years old. To conceal it, he didn't write the usual stuff on the front page. Instead, he would simply write KHT in capital letters, a number and a date... Faith, I need to borrow your television right now!”

Jeremy ran out of the kitchen, as though he was being hunted by a pack of wolves. He rushed into his brother's office, headed for the desk and almost threw stuff out of his way in his search for the incredible discovery, which he had unknowingly made earlier that day. The disc... the disc with the date, the number and the letters... he found it, picked it up. Read each letter and number carefully, over and over again, to determine if he was right in his belief. Sure enough, the three letters were there, in the correct order. His brown eyes went over the text a seventh time to appease his insecurity. Then he hurried out of the room and into the living room, where he almost shoved the discs into the tray of the dvd player, before he settled down on a footstool. With his face only a few feet away from the television screen, he looked like a mere schoolboy waiting for his favorite cartoon to start. Although, nothing of what he was about to see was remotely close to the innocent joy found in such cheap productions for kids.

The screen was black for several minutes, until the recording finally began; From the camera's supposed location in a corner of the open living room, the viewer was presented with a very messy version of the cabin that Faith and he had visited earlier in the afternoon. There was a city of bottles on the sofa table, the cushions and the blanket on the couch were tangled together in a mess, and an empty pizza tray on the floor indicated that something was not like it used to be. This was either the scene of a dead party, or the hideaway of a person in despair. The scene was empty for another five minutes. That was when Ian stepped in front of the camera and stared into the lens as though he was actively searching for something inside it. Then he simply turned around and sat down on the couch. It looked as though he was slightly drunk already.

“So... Dr. Phillips told me I needed to continue these private sessions. Says he can't help me, if I won't tell me what's on my mind. But it's my own mind, isn't it?” The bad quality of the recording did not ruin Jeremy's first impression of his brother's voice; Ian was in one of his rare moments of melancholy. He was tired, sad and unfriendly. Not hostile, not evil... looking to be alone, just like Jeremy also did from time to time. “He also told me to address my problems directly while recording them. He believes it will help me to get a look at things from afar. So, just for the fun of it, I'm going to do just that. Yeah, pretend you are here. Little brother. I've been thinking about this for quite some time now, and I don't know what to do. But what I really don't get, is you Jeremy. Sometimes I don't understand what you are thinking? Leaving town, right when we all need you the most! She is fucking pregnant, you idiot!”

Ian reached out toward a bottle on the table and emptied it in one sip, before he threw it over his shoulder and turned his eyes back toward the camera. again He looked even more angry and drunk than before. “I've tried to deal with things. I really have. Things would not have been like this if you had been around. But oh, no, you just had to waltz off into the horizon and do whatever a man's got to do. Wasn't that always your excuse? Why are you not here, taking responsibility? Did I not teach you to be better than that? What went so wrong in our childhood that I -”

Another bottle went down in few a few moments. It left Ian in with an even more grotesque voice and expression. The next time he spoke, it sounded as though he was on the verge of a breakdown. “Why are you not here,?! I called you, for fuck's sake! But you just played all high and mighty, like you always do. Bloody selfish bastard. Do you really think you are the only one hurting? I need you back here! Why are you not here to help me, now that I need it the most? No one knows about it. Aw fuck it!” He flung the bottle was across the room in a sudden fit of rage and went to turn the camera off. The blackness that followed was a sullen comfort to Jeremy, who was feeling sick at what he had just witnessed.

Before he managed to reach out and turn the power off, the vision of the cabin reappeared on the screen. However, it was a much cleaner and sober Ian, who greeted the viewer this time. There were stains of tears on his cheeks, but he had an strong determination in his face; it appeared he already knew someone would be watching his recorded diary one day. “God I wish you were here, Jeremy. I wish you were here, so that I could punch you in the face like old times. Wish I could talk to you. Wish I could laugh with you. But most of all... I wish we could just sit next to each other and do absolutely nothing. Be silent. Knowing each others thoughts and pain... we were really good at that, weren't we? We have always been honest with each other, always cried 'foul game' when something fishy was going on. I have always been really good at telling you never to lie about anything, and you have always followed my example, because I never lied either...”

“Truth is, I am a liar and a coward...” he swallowed hard and cleared his throats a couple of times before he carried on. “I'm not a man. You would laugh about it, if you ever heard me say it, but... it's true. And I don't say it because I don't love my fiance anymore, or because I can't get her pregnant either. I should have been straight with you. I should have been straight with anyone, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.” A heavy breath escaped his lips and he buried his face in his hands for a short while. When he started to talk again, his voice had turned into a whisper. “I didn't even see her. I swear to God, I did not see her before it was too late. So fast... it happened so fast, I couldn't... I didn't mean to... She was dead! I couldn't save her. I was so ashamed, so terribly scared. How could I ever look you in the eye and tell you that I had killed a little girl?”

“I can't help but wonder what kind of monster I am. I keep seeing her. I relive those moments everyday, over and over again inside my mind. Can't tell anyone about it, but it's eating me up alive. I hate myself, because I couldn't even tell you about it. You noticed the injuries on my truck, but you weren't smart enough to figure it out. And I just played along. Hoped it would go away, but it isn't. It never will. My life is a mess. Now you won't even listen to me. You probably ignore my calls, too. You don't give me a chance to explain why I've stepped in to help raise your kid. It's a girl. That's pretty much all I know right now. But it's enough for me. Perhaps, doing this... will ease my pain. It cannot make up for my sins, but it may help me become a better man.”

“I don't know if you'll ever get to watch this. Maybe you'll find it when I'm gone in sixty years or so. Maybe it will be your girl, who finds this sad recording among my stuff. It gives me some comfort to know it's possible. Because, even if I got the chance, I wouldn't dare tell you. Damn it, Jeremy... you are my brother! I love you too much, to hurt you this way. I just wish you would come home and be there when your child enters this world. That's really all I want right now. Doesn't matter what happens to me.”

Jeremy watched as his brother got up from the couch, approached the camera and smiled weakly. Then the screen faded to black for good. There was nothing more on the disc. A naive hope led Jeremy to place his hand on the television screen, but it was all in vain. Ian was gone and the terrible reality of his life was all that remained. He had not only suffered in love, he had also been involved in the worst event possible. He was responsible for the death of a girl. Although he had not said anything definite, Jeremy had his own theories regarding the victim. The facts all made sense now, but the world itself did not.

... And for the first time in a long period of his life, Jeremy's facade crumbled completely and he let the tears fall freely.

Faith knew the news about their cat, which turned into her cat, hit him hard as everything else had. So much in life can change at the blink of an eye and most forget that until they actually sit down and reflect back and see it, or really hear about it. Once your slapped in the face and caught off guard it’s so hard to hide the emotional part as it sinks in slowly and you tend to hide how you feel till you either break down later or push it under the rug and try to mask the loss which mainly bites one in the ass eventually.

Faith knew it hit him hard and he would process it later out of her sight when his mind had a chance to stop spinning fast as he was taking in more than her today and she felt for him. Jeremy could mask many things from her, and has over the years but she was able to still read his expressions, as he hadn’t changed that much and it was affecting him, even if it was ‘just a cat’.

“It's quite okay, Faith.” He said to her as he went silent for a few minutes and then started talking about Ian and his dislike of cats. Faith listened as he told her stories of their past, as close as they all were they still had stories that were not shared and she laughed listening to him. She remembered the Olson’s cat it was mean to many. She couldn’t but help simile as she could see it all unfolding inside her head. There was no way she could how her laugh back and she laughed out smiling. “I can see that. That big ol’ cat was mean to so many kids. She probably trained it like that as she wasn’t the nicest person either!”

Faith watched as he went back in time in his thoughts letting him go as he probably locked all those memories up the day he left town. He deserved some time to reflect back about he and his brother and reminisce about those good times they shared together as brothers. Faith stood and headed back into the office wanting to leave him sit for a while alone if he needed to gather his thoughts, but she heard him following behind her as she walked back in and stopped looking around knowing what she was seeing would sooner or later change.

The room would be rid of Ian’s things and replaced with things of hers. She loved the man as a brother not as a husband and he was a big part of her life but not in the way it seemed and now the hiding of the relationship was now over she no longer needed to pretend everything was unicorns and sunshine, a big weight was lifted from her chest and as happy as she was, she was just as sad. A she her self stood there reflecting back she felt Jeremy brush against her as she stood basically in the doorway of the soon to be old office of his brother. Faith turned and smiled to him a slight smile as they both were dreading this but the sooner it was done the better off they would both be. Gone but never forgotten, she surly understood that phrase from all that she has lost in the last five years.

She continued going through the books, shaking them out as bits of paper and a few dried flowers which puzzled her and then the letter. She took that and walked out reading it, upsetting her as another secret was revealed again. Sitting there in the livingroom she was speechless and angry. Faith returned to the office door and told him what she learned, handed him the letter and then turned and walked into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee.

She heard her named called as everything was still sinking in and she was feeling so many emotions all at one time it was becoming overwhelming. Her head dropped down, wisps of hair around her face hiding it like a mask as she gripped the edge of the counter and tried hard not to let the tears fall that were building up within her eyes. A strong person can only handle so much until they reach a point and the foundation of their strength cracks and as more and more piles on the crack gets larger and eventually it all crumbles. That was the point faith was reaching and it scared her. Last time she crumbled it was a very pretty thing. Ian had tried picking up the pieces and she realized once the baby was lost the whole dynamics of their marriage changed. The letter explained so much.

“Faith. I know what you mean. This letter makes so much sense. I mean, it fits with the fact that Ian offered to help you, and I'm sure he would have loved to have been by your side all the way through the pregnancy. But do you honestly believe Ian did not have other reasons than this? It would have meant giving up everything, just to have a child. Not to help you, not to pick up where I messed up... only to raise a child of his own blood. That would make him way more selfish than I would ever care to consider likely.”

Jeremy said to her as she just stood there feeling her knees weaken as he spoke. Faith knew what Ian was capable of, and she knew how men were when it came to children, always longing to have one of their own not another’s. Ian would have had a child with his family blood and there was no way he could have gotten any closer than that except with his own sperm which was weak and wouldn’t fertilize and egg. “What if he took the test, because his relationship with Amy was dependent on a child? What if he did it, to find out if he was the reason why she could not get pregnant? I know the date of the letter suggests otherwise, and perhaps they had already split up at the time. But we can't afford to make assumptions without knowing his thoughts.”

Faith turned around and looked at him, she reached up and pushed those small pieces of hair behind her ears and breathed in slowly filling her lungs with air as her breasts rose high and released it slowly. Just as she was about to tell him her thoughts he interrupted her with his own. “Wait... knowing his thoughts... 'knowing his thoughts'...?” He said as he stepped closer. “Ian's book, of course!” He said louder and snapped his fingers as she wasn’t exactly following what he was saying or his train of thought. “Ian used to read books by a specific author named Hingeborough. The first book he read was Knowing His Thoughts. He was completely taken by that book, and he always referenced to it when we were kids. Now, Ian kept a diary when he was ten years old. To conceal it, he didn't write the usual stuff on the front page. Instead, he would simply write KHT in capital letters, a number and a date... Faith, I need to borrow your television right now!” Jeremy said and before she could say anything he was turned on the heels of his shoes and headed in the other direction down the hallway.

Faith watched him enter the office and come right back out a few minutes later. He grabbed her curious side as she walked down the hallway and watched as he rushed from the office across to the living room and settled down on the foot stool as she stood in the doorway just watching him insert the disc into the DVD player. She couldn’t hear if anything was being said or the picture even with him sitting before the TV. Faith walked in and took a seat on the end of the couch as she crossed her legs and watched the screen.

She watched as a drunken Ian was sitting there on a couch and then it dawned on her where he was, he was in the cabin but the place was a mess. Nothing like it had been today. Today it was clean and dusty but trash was tossed away and things that were there were all in order unlike the disarray it was in the video they were watching. Faith watched silently trying to understand Ian’s mumbling. He looked lost, tired, angry and not the man that they once knew as a friend, brother or pretend husband.

He was going on about the doctor and then he was addressing the recording to Jeremy as if he was sitting there. This was something apparently a therapist had told him to do. Faith listened closely as she leaned in not invading Jeremy’s personal space but she wanted to hear it all just as much as him. He seemed very angry at his little brother, he spoke about his leaving and how Faith was pregnant which made her swallow hard and bring on the water works as she tried so hard to fight them back only allowing a few to drop and roll down her cheeks before she wiped them away before Jeremy could see.

They watched as he ripped into what was to be Jeremy. Faith was having a hard time taking it all in as Ian was very drunk and very emotional. She couldn’t imagine what was running through Jeremy’s mind. Another bottle went flying like the first as they both heard them smash against the floor of the cabin behind the couch. Ian was an emotional wreck; his hair like his clothing was all over the place. This was a man Faith had never seen, or a side of him that was hidden away in his box of secrets. It was then the camera was turned off and faith once again was speechless.

As she went to get up the picture came back on, this time the cabin was almost as they seen it earlier that day. She sat on the edge of the couch waiting to see what was next. Ian appeared again, this time looking as if he had showered, and cleaned himself up. He looked like the man they both knew. Ian was going on about not being a man, a coward, and then he admitted to killing a little girl. Faith gasped as her hand covered her mouth. Her mind was spinning so fast she couldn’t take any of this in. She never waited for the video to stop before she got up and left the room.

Faith went up the steps to her bedroom and crawled upon the bed, curling up in fetal position she cried. The tears could no longer be stopped. Faith wondered if because Ian took a little girl’s life if somehow the reasoning…and eye for an eye came back to haunt him and in return for the sweet girls life her daughter’s was taken. Faith was angry, sad, devastated…secret after secret coming from the darkness into the light and now they would be left to deal with it all. It was so unfair. What had she done in this life that was so horrible to have everything she ever loved taken from her? Faith had no clue; she helped everyone she possibly could without asking for anything in return. Religion was never her thing, but she believed in a higher power and right now she couldn’t grasp why everything happened to her. It was too much to handle for Faith, her walls cracked as they began to crumble to the ground.

Once the initial shock of watching his brother video had subsided, Jeremy slowly succumbed to his sorrow. He did not just burst into tears out of nowhere; rather, the whole motion formed in his muscles and went to the surface in the form of an inconsistent string of sobs and short breaths. Eventually, the sobs brought along a stream of tears, one that grew in power and display as it continued to flow freely. Even thought it was somewhat pointless – he was not sure if Faith was still present in the living room – he fought so hard to hold back and hide everything. But the embarrassment of crying could not quell the overwhelming sadness inside. It was not a one dimensional emotion either. Not only had it been triggered by Ian's recorded confession, it also contained every possible trace of his own neglect, betrayal and wrongdoing. All were hints of things, which he needed to deal with without words or actions. And so, on his knees and in front of the television, Jeremy gave in and cried like he was suddenly a young boy again. Young and naive, he had wept for his deceased dog Zack, who was his best friend at the time. Well, right after his own brother of course! But the time of being a young boy was long gone, and his hoarse moans of inner pain clearly revealed that much.

He choked back the first, then the second attempt at a spontaneous outcry. Managed to control himself enough to succeed both times. However, the third time left him with no other option than to give in, and his pain channelized itself through his throat and out into the room as a frustrated, heartbreaking roar. His pain was quickly pushed out of the way in favor for an anger so intense that his mind instantly warned him to hold back. Although, his anger would not fade just yet, and in the brief state of near-insanity he directed it at the only available target. His fist flew toward the television screen at an alarming speed, but was held back just in time to leave no real damage to the delicate equipment. The only thing that hurt was his own hand and his heart. He had restrained himself long enough to avoid causing serious damage – but his rage had not been calmed yet. As a rational substitute for the television screen, he instead got up from the floor and rammed his hand into a soft cushion on the couch. It was a thankful victim of his frustrations.

“Why?!” Jeremy raised his fist into the air and hit the cushion again and again, until he was forced to catch his breath. When he finally settled down in the couch, he was filled with shame at his inability to control himself, but the notion did not linger on in his mind for long. His aggression was gone, banished not only by the fatigue, but by the returning grief that now seemed to have a permanent hold on him. His vision was clouded by tears, and his voice sounded unnatural and thick in his own ears. In the end, he was not even sure how much he actually said aloud and how much remained locked up as thoughts inside his mind. “You idiot! Why didn't you tell me when you had the chance?! I was there, you bloody idiot! Ian... I... you could have told me! Why didn't you? You are my brother, for god's sake! I could have helped you... I should have helped you... I was there... you said it yourself, damn it!”

It was true. Jeremy still remembered the damages his brother's truck had sustained all too well. The missing paint, the strains of blood, the bulge on the front bumper and the scratches left behind by whatever living creature that had been thrown across the hood of the truck. He had believed his brother's claim that he had hit a poor animal by accident at very high speed. He had accepted his story, simply because it was Ian. Not even when the news of the girl's death spread through town, did it occur to him to doubt his brother's story. Ian would never lie about such a thing, not even to save his own skin. That was what he believed then. Even now, it felt implausible that his brother would have lied to him about something as serious as a lethal accident, the death of a little girl.

Jeremy wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and scanned the room for any signs of life. Faith had indeed left the room at some point, maybe even before the video of Ian had ended. Her disappearance filled him with an immediate urge to find her; Not just to seek comfort, but to provide it as well. He could only speculate what she was going through, now that Ian's most terrible secret had been revealed. So, standing up from his seat, he quickly covered the distance from the couch to the hallway and further, to the office. Faith was nowhere to be seen. He turned his interest toward the kitchen instead, only to face another disappointment once he walked in and found it empty as well. A quick glance through the door to the porch only enhanced his confusion, since she wasn't outside either. He wasn't too familiar with the rest of the house, so he had to improvise as he moved through the remaining rooms. Bathroom, laundry room, guest room... nothing noteworthy and certainly no Faith present in any of them. As he returned to the hallway and looked at the staircase, he became slightly annoyed at himself, because he suddenly realized he had wasted time searching. Her obvious choice of retreat was a private room located upstairs. It made so much sense. The bedroom! Why had he not just went up there in the first place?

The steps of the staircase were quiet. Even so, he took each step with great care, moved forward as slowly as possible, almost like he did not want to make his presence known to anyone. Like a burglar intend on stealing without getting caught, he looked over his shoulder and focused on his senses as he climbed the staircase. Once he finally reached the top, he examined the floor with his eyes and took note of the larger details. There were four doors, three of which were shut tightly, and it naturally made his choice much easier. He went toward the open door first, holding on to his silent movements as he approached it. After all, he didn't want to startle or embarrass her if she was inside... He had acted like an insensible idiot too often already.

“Faye?” He reached his destination and leaned against the door frame, resting his left arm against the smooth surface of the wood as he peaked inside the room. There she was, curled up on the bed in emotional self-defense, her back turned at him, her body shaking with every sob that escaped her. Looking at her caused his own emotions to gather into a lump in his throat, and he attempted a deep breath to focus his mind. Pursing his lips, he fought the urge to cry and stepped toward the edge of the bed, once again moving in self-inflicted slow motion. “I'm right here, Faye...” He leaned over the bed and reached out to touch her, his voice nothing more than a gentle whisper. Fingers brushed over her shoulder hesitantly, and he sat down next to her to put his other hand on her arm. “I don't know what to say to you. I really don't... and I don't understand what happened to my brother. We can search through his belongings all we want, but I don't believe we will find a bigger secret than this. We have to call the police tomorrow. I don't like it, but we have to. It makes me dizzy to think that he carried such a horrible secret for so long, and it breaks my heart to think that he did not want to tell any of us about it. Not even after he married you, did he reveal anything. Just... imagine how hard it must have been to deal with it in secret. I don't know how we will get through this, but I know we will. Everything will be fine, if we stick together.”

“If only he had... told me.” Jeremy cleared his throat, but knew he was treading on rocky ground. It was unwise to dwell on this fact, and it would do nothing else but strengthen the miserable atmosphere of the room. If he kept focusing on his neglect of his loved ones, it would eventually cause him to break in more than one way. However, right in the moment, with Faith's crying filling his ears, and her body trembling next to him, it was hard to ignore the pain he felt deep inside. The two brothers had been together at least every second day in the fours years before his departure. Ian had had all the chances in the world to tell him everything about the event. It would have changed everything; and yes, it would have ruined their lives for many years to come... but was this really better? Ian had lived a life in secret guilt and pain, with no one knowing that his heart was bleeding. It was even possible that Lydia didn't know anything either. That was understandable. But to know that his own brother had kept it secret, had lied to him about the damaged truck... that he had decided against getting his support and help... that was simply too much.

“I could have helped him... I could have... helped... oh god... I should... Ian!” Jeremy fell into the trap, which he had tried to avoid. His mind was spinning out of control at a rapid speed, and he felt how the tears broke free again when he covered his mouth with his right hand. He swallowed hard, tried to end it before it even began, but it was to no avail. He cried bitterly, wiped the tears away with angry strokes of his hand and then lay down next to Faith on the bed. Closed his eyes, covered his mouth again and rested his forehead against her back. If only he could sleep. If only he could forget or disappear. “I'm so sorry... Faith... Ian... I'm so very sorry!”

Faith even through her own soft sobs could hear Jeremy down in the livingroom expressing his anger and hurt as she heard him yelling out his frustrations. She reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the tissue box and pulled it close to her as she wiped away her tears and closed her eyes again as she swallowed hard. Faith heard sounds from down stairs, she knew he was upset and hoped his anger wouldn’t get out of control but she understood why he felt the way he did. Secrets.

The thing about secrets is people that hold them in don’t realize the damage they can do when they came out. She wondered how Ian could have kept such a secret inside. She wondered if it was eating him up inside because one such as that would have killed a person, and perhaps it had. Faith wondered if this was what brought on Ian’s anxiety and depression. Not that he had been diagnosed with either but in her eyes that’s what she was seeing and that’s maybe why he was locking himself away in his office and closing her off day and night when he was home.

In college she remembered when they discussed children and abuse and how they hold in secrets and what to look for. Stress was a big factor with secrets and she was sure with a secret such as Ian’s he was feeling it. He was almost leading a double life, it was such an unhealthy obsession. Faith was thinking back, things were good when they first married. They were like best friends, not true lovers but they did things and then after the loss of the baby things changed, they both changed.

Ian had grown apart from her, that she thinks was when he took a turn and began closing himself off. She was trying to think back when he changed and it was so hard to tin point because he was quite moody, then the loss of the baby, and his brother being gone. She wondered if he just felt alone. Faith wasn’t sure how she would have taken him coming to her and telling her what he had done after losing a child of her own and thought it was probably why he never came to her. Would she have turned him in? Would she have kept his secret as well? Faith knew that would have been something that she couldn’t have stomached for long. Something like that needed to have closure especially for the parents. That’s where Faith was having an issue with...the parents and what they must be going through all these years and that caused her to be angry inside at Ian.

When would the timing have been good to tell anyone that you hit a child and just left? The shameful act, the feelings inside...she was wondering what kind of man he was to hold it in for so long. They all lived in the same town, to see the parents, to see it on the news...Faith was seeing Ian as a monster at the moment. Was he that proud of a man or was he afraid of the consequences? She knew why Jeremy was yelling out because Faith wanted to do the same thing, emotional turmoil within her and she was getting a headache from thinking about it and was now regretting going back into the past. If it wasn’t for the parents of the child being able to have closure, she would have regretted it even more if that was possible.

Faith laid there on the bed, her cheeks were tear stricken as she thought back about Ian’s truck and how he told everyone he hit an animal, a deer or something. It turned her stomach to the point of her food wanting to come back up. Ian was a man of character, which was why she couldn’t figure out why he never came forth and admitted what had happened. It was a question that would be forever unanswered now. She sighed softly and wiped away another group of tears as she grabbed more tissues from the box and closed her eyes hoping her stomach would stop turning.

”Faye?” He said as he opened the door to her bedroom and she opened her eyes slowly and looked at him standing there in the doorway. It was then when it hit her that she wondered if he was feeling some sort of guilt for what his brother had done. Ian’s guilt was placed upon Jeremy in the video, he blamed him for leaving and not being able to tell him when all he had to do was call him. Faith believed Ian was trying to push this over on another if he could and hoped Jeremy wasn’t going to take the brunt of it all, this wasn’t his fault by a long shot and she wasn’t going to allow Ian to do that to his younger brother, that would heartbreaking. Then faith wondered if that was what he was trying to do to make Jeremy suffer for leaving. It almost made sense and the more she thought about it, the more it did. Her eyes closed again as the tears pushed out from the corners of her eyes. “I'm right here, Faye...” he said and she could hear the sorrow, the hurt in his voice as he reached out and touched her lightly.

He was right, what was there to say, this was not their burden to take on but they were about to. Faith lay there listening to him and he seemed to be defending Ian, and she didn’t think that, that was right. To her there was nothing to defend. Then the ‘if onlys’ began to start as she just lay there listening to him talk. It angered her when he seemed to stick up for his older brother. This wasn’t like a small little secret, this was the death of a little girl that they would have to deal with, not Ian them and even his aunt and uncle would get the backlash of this all.

Faith heard him begin to cry, she wanted to comfort him as he moved from sitting aside her to laying down with her but she was angry inside and she was trying to feel it but Jeremy wasn’t making it easy as he was taking the blame in a sense and she was ready to lash out at him because the person who brought this into their lives was gone. “I'm so sorry... Faith... Ian... I'm so very sorry!” he said and Faith sighed as she sat up and looked down to him laying there as her hand went to his hair and she ran her fingers through it.

“I know you loved Ian but this was way over the line...he killed a little girl, a child...he took her away from her parents, her family and left them not knowing who did this horrible act.” Unlike his voice hers was not a whisper, yet she didn’t yell because again it wasn’t his fault. “Ian knew what he did, he held this inside and was living two lives, one where he may have had a conscience and the other he was trying to be a father and husband....it makes me wonder if I lost our child because of this, the whole everything comes around in a full circle. Then he leaves a tape foe you to find, and he says all that shit on it knowing that he could have picked up the phone and called you. He could have told you when you called at Christmas that he needed to speak to you...no, instead he tosses this in all of our laps and leaves us to clean up his mess like he thinks you did to him....you left and he had to clean up your mess with me...see a complete full circle. I refuse to let me , you or your aunt and uncle suffer for this because that is going to happen and you know it!”

Faith wiped her eyes and blew her nose again, “He had so many chances to speak up but he took the cowards way out and now you feel sorry for him...why? he had all this time to confess Jeremy. If he was truly sorry why didn’t he do it? Because you left? Because I was pregnant? That couldn’t be it i lost our child...I cannot imagine how the parents of that little girl felt all these years. They are the only ones who are suffering. I refuse to let this fall back on any of us, it isn’t fair that we have to deal with what is going to come from this. Do you understand what I mean, where I’m coming from? This is NOT our mess.”

Faith breathed out, “I don’t mean to be angry with you and yes we need to call the police. I agree but we didn’t do this, and we don’t have any guilt to hold upon us because of it. I hope you understand that Jeremy.” Faith slid back down the bed and lay there aside him he move her hand from his hair to his hand and laced their fingers. “We will deal with this together but we are not going to take blame. We have no reason to be sorry damnit.”

The effect of Faith's affectionate touch was immediate. Just feeling her fingers find the top of his head and plow through his hair was enough to soothe his soul considerably. Although, the physical comfort didn't quell his sadness at all; on the contrary, her gesture effectively caused his subconsciousness to react by opening the gate to his emotions further. She made herself available to him, and the depths of her feminine strength showered him with a wordless kind of support, which made it clear, it was quite okay for him to break down in the given situation. They were there for each other, just like they had been in the past. He cried helplessly like a little child, but kept his eyes closed, as though it would shield him from the humiliation of showing his emotions. He tried to muffle his anguish by pressing his hand against his mouth, but it did little to conceal the truth. Jeremy had never been as weak, vulnerable and lost, as he was in that very moment. Painfully aware of his state, he wanted nothing else than to fade away, sink into the soft madras below and be gone for good.

And then, she spoke to him. Although her voice was gentle, her words were not sweet promises of better times or weak reassurances that everything was going to be okay. Every word echoed with a strong resolve, which in turn presented her message with an edge of harsh logic; No matter what Jeremy felt in the moment, Faith still spoke the truth. In a sense, it was comforting to have her bring some reason into his mind, but it didn't win him over completely. He was still too caught up in the quaint safety of sorrow, and he struggled with his own pride. It was uncomfortable to be this exposed, yet the only reason he had allowed it to happen was because of her. No one else could get through to him, like Faith could. She was the only one, who represented the emotional safety he so urgently required at that very moment.

Jeremy listened carefully to her words. The longer she spoke, the more quiet his sobs became, until he reached a point where he could cry no more. Keeping his breath in check, he focused every ounce of energy on listening to the love of his life. Yes, it was a logical. Ian had had plenty of opportunities to tell him about the accident. Even in his intense and misplaced anger, Jeremy knew he would've listened to him, if he had requested it. Alas, that possibility brought him nothing but guilt – who knew if Ian had tried to tell him? Jeremy had been drunk most of the times, where his brother had phoned him, and that caused him to speculate what signals he had missed out on. Stuff like tone of voice, unusual words... He twisted his mind to recall anything that could indicate his brother had tried to convey something special to him. All the time, his search came up without results, and all the time he believed he was not thinking clearly.

By the time Faith went down next to him on the bed and entangled her fingers with his, Jeremy was still influenced by the same guilt, which she apparently tried to rid him off. He cleared his throat and turned his eyes toward the ceiling above. “Faye, I hear what you are saying, and I understand why you say it. You are right, of course you are. It was his own decision to hide it, but I was there just after it had happened. I saw his truck. I saw the damages and blood spatter. It never crossed my mind what had transpired, and I accepted his explanation, simply because he was my brother. I can't stop thinking about how things would be, if I had figured it out... or at least given it more thought. I should've challenged him. I knew his patterns, knew how he looked and acted whenever he lied or tried to keep the truth out of my reach. We always seemed to know what the other was thinking. Why didn't I understand it at that moment?”

“And when we grew distant, I hated him for all the wrong reasons. I hated him for so long, and all this time he was hurting. He always were a generous man, but this could explain quite a few things. His charity work, the projects he undertook for the city... even marrying you. He didn't steal you from me, didn't take advantage of my absence. He stepped in to help you, because he believed it was the right thing to do. In some twisted way, he found comfort in that notion, and I genuinely believe he wanted to raise the -” Jeremy paused and guided his eyes back to the woman next to him. The child was a sensitive topic to both of them, and he needed to make sure she did not take his words the wrong way. “Our child. I knew Ian was devastated when you lost her, and that kind of love comes at no cost, no matter what his original motives were. He loved another woman, and he neglected to tell the truth... but he is still my brother. There's a family out there that needs closure, but I can't hate him anymore. I refuse to. I will call the police in the morning, and then others will have to judge him. I just wish he was still alive, as it could give him some sort of closure as well...”

His hand broke contact with hers and settled on her neck in a gentle touch. Then he leaned in close and placed a kiss on her forehead. “I wish we could go back in time. I wish there was some way for me to erase all of this, but there is nothing I can do. I am trying to understand what I did wrong. Not the actions, but the reasoning behind them. They all seem lost to me. I had you. You were all I wanted, but I let you go and for what? To be free for a little while? To get another perspective? I missed you from the moment I went on that train, but I knew better than to give in to this longing. So I thought at least... Now I'm just wondering if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me... and I also wonder how being a parent would have been.”

Laying aside him felt so right to Faith but she wished it had been under better circumstances. He was her soulmate, she felt it deep with her gut and whether he realized it now or not, they were meant to be. Life wasn’t easy for either or them but she felt they were placed back together for a reason or in this case, reasons. Her fingers in his hair made her feel calm in a sense but she knew they were in for one hell of a storm and the waters were going to be dark and rough, rougher than they had ever encountered before whether alone or together.

The ‘shitstorm’ they would be facing wasn’t their making and she had a feeling within that they would be suffering for it. Not just them but what was left of Ian and Jeremy’s family, their Aunt and uncle would be taking a blow as well and she wasn’t sure how anyone was going to deal with it. The parents of that little girl have been living with this for so many years. Faith knew if it were her she would be looking at everyone around their small town as a murderer, a coward and they were right to think that way because it was somebody close and they were just that a coward.

Every word she spoke knew may have cut like a knife but he had to know there was truth to it all. He sobbed laying aside her as she tried to tell him that the road they were about to travel would be long and hard. It crushed her heart to hear the grown man cry but he was no different than her, they both deserved to sob, everything was a mess at the moment. She wished they didn’t find out the secret Ian had kept hidden for so long but as a mother, as she once was she felt the need for the parents to have closure. Jeremy knew it was only right and she was glad he felt that way, it was always part of his character to do the right thing...even with his past choice to up and leave without a word to anyone.

‘We will deal with this together but we are not going to take blame. We have no reason to be sorry damn it.’ Those last words she said she was trying really hard to believe them, even though no truer words have ever been said. Towns folk will hold them responsible even though they had no idea what had happened and that it was Ian that took that little girls life so young, so soon before her time.

That was just how minds worked in the human race. To stay around once all is said and done wasn’t going to be possible, and Faith was at a point in her life where she was thinking maybe it was time to move on, a new town, a new place and start over once again as she had before. Their aunt and uncle who was family to her, would also take backlash and so would Jeremy...things were going to spiral out of control and they wouldn’t be able to stop it once they made that call to the police.

Faith slid down the bed and she just wanted to hold him in her arms and make it all go away for all of them. She knew they could do just that but to live with such a secret would destroy her as well as Jeremy. She felt their fingers entwined as one, and it felt good, it felt ‘sane’ but nobody but her could explain that feeling. It was like it left perfect, like the way it should be. He always completed her, he kept her sane and Faith knew if he’d had been there when the baby was lost, things could have either went very bad or he could had been her rock but they would know never know and maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

She looked to his face as he cleared his throat. His eyes were swollen and red most likely hers the same. She wished to take his pain, their pain and be able to just get rid of it as she knew he’d want to do the same for her but this time, the pain was theirs to hold and perhaps together they came make this heavy dark storm become some sort of sunshine...she had no clue at this point but she knew she loved him as she always had. Faith watched as he looked towards the ceiling and waited for him to speak and the wait wasn’t long.

“Faye, I hear what you are saying, and I understand why you say it. You are right, of course you are. It was his own decision to hide it, but I was there just after it had happened. I saw his truck. I saw the damages and blood spatter. It never crossed my mind what had transpired, and I accepted his explanation, simply because he was my brother. I can't stop thinking about how things would be, if I had figured it out... He said and continued on as she hung on every word, listening fully and not wanting to jump right away as this was a time they needed to think clearly and carefully how they were going to handle this.

Jeremy seemed to have a lot to say and to her that was a good thing. They needed to get this all out for both to be able to analyze what the whole situation looked like and where to start. He moved and she felt his arm under her neck as she felt his soft lips upon her forehead. God, she loved that kiss. He was the only man that had ever kissed her on the forehead and made her body tingle from head to toe immediately.

“I wish we could go back in time. I wish there was some way for me to erase all of this, but there is nothing I can do. I am trying to understand what I did wrong. Not the actions, but the reasoning behind them. They all seem lost to me. I had you. You were all I wanted, but I let you go and for what? To be free for a little while? To get another perspective? I missed you from the moment I went on that train, but I knew better than to give in to this longing. So I thought at least... Now I'm just wondering if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me... and I also wonder how being a parent would have been.”

Faith took in a big deep breath and released it slowly as she placed an arm over him and let her hand rest on him. “First of all, if I would have seen his truck Jeremy...I would have thought the same thing as you and would have never questioned him either. Why would we have? We both knew Ian and would have taken his word that he hit a deer.” Her hand moved slowly along him up and back down, caressing him softly as she was taking the time to discuss and talk this all out after listening to him. “Ian was good at hiding his feelings. People grow and change, make choices and decisions we cannot understand. Jeremy if he would have told you then that he hit a child, killed her and left how would you have felt? Would you have hidden the secret? Would you have been the one to put him in prison for possibly most of his life or all his life?”

It really was a hard call to be put in such a position now and well as back then. It turned her stomach hard at how many possible ways this could have been handled and maybe this was the best way. Ian was gone, no prison...and his suffering was his punishment. Faith was confused as hell thinking about it all. When he started talking about Ian again she had mixed feelings and when he brought up their baby Faith choked a bit. It was a subject she didn’t want Ian name and baby in the same sentence. Time and healing was going to have to happen all over again. Part of her still thought this was karma, taking from her like he took from another and only by association. Faith looked into his eyes and held it there she knew when he stopped the statement earlier he wasn’t sure how she would react but she was trying hard to hold it together for not only her but both of them.

“We can’t hate Ian Jeremy. You nor I know what his reasons were. I’m angry and hurt, upset...lost. But now, there is a family a set of parents who will have closure and can hopefully move on.” She swallowed hard and starred into his eyes, Faith offered a soft smile. “We can’t go back, we cannot erase time, but we can move forth. I’m a hypocrite for saying that as the nursery is still the same way that I left it since that day. I cannot even think about going in there and putting things away. I know though, I need to, to move forth. I’m wondering if I hadn’t because i always knew one day you’d be back and that was a part of us i was not ready to close the door on. To be able to grieve with you.”

Faith leaned in and kissed his lips softly and then laid her head back on his arm. He eyes roamed his face as he was still the most handsome man in to world to her. “I was thinking about this all. Perhaps you needed to go and I needed to let you go back then because you were not ready. You needed to see what was on the other side, to walk through the greener pastures before coming back to me Jeremy. You just didn’t know I was pregnant and perhaps that was a good thing. If it would have held you back maybe you would have been miserable and walked out later...I don’t know but I am not mad. I’ve had so much hate, anger and darkness inside for years that it was hurting me, harming me and I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired of it making me feel tired and dragging me down. I want sunshine for a change.”

Another smile moved across her face as her fingertips caressed him. “I forgive you because I think I understand it all now and as far as being parents, I often wonder that as well. I think we would have been excellent parents with hiccups along the way but damn good ones.”