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Stupidity and rejection

MeltformySir

MeltformySir

Really Experienced
Joined
Feb 18, 2014
Posts
124
I'm feeling the fool for once again trusting someone in the lifestyle and being hurt once again. When you put so much trust in someone, it hurts to be violated. When you offer everything you have and is not enough, how do you move on? When you've been so very intimate and given your all, how do you ever feel like you have any worth? I wonder when I'll stop being so stupid. SMH. My heart is broken.
 
I'm sorry you're going through what you are.

There are no easy answers to most of your questions. Your self worth, however, needs to come from inside. If it's dependent upon others, then you set yourself up to be knocked down repeatedly.

You have to KNOW that you are awesome, that you are valuable, that you are important.

Sometimes, we fool ourselves into thinking someone else is what we hope they will be instead of admitting to what we really see. All you can do is try to not repeat the same mistakes next time someone tries to get close to you.
 
RawHumor said:
I'm sorry you're going through what you are.

There are no easy answers to most of your questions. Your self worth, however, needs to come from inside. If it's dependent upon others, then you set yourself up to be knocked down repeatedly.

You have to KNOW that you are awesome, that you are valuable, that you are important.

Sometimes, we fool ourselves into thinking someone else is what we hope they will be instead of admitting to what we really see. All you can do is try to not repeat the same mistakes next time someone tries to get close to you.
Click to expand...

My wine induced haze compels me to say thanks, so.... Thanks! I agree about self worth. I had it going on and was in a great place, but I feel like a rug got yanked out and now I don't believe anything is as it seems.
 
MeltformySir said:
I'm feeling the fool for once again trusting someone in the lifestyle and being hurt once again. When you put so much trust in someone, it hurts to be violated. When you offer everything you have and is not enough, how do you move on? When you've been so very intimate and given your all, how do you ever feel like you have any worth? I wonder when I'll stop being so stupid. SMH. My heart is broken.
Click to expand...

I don't know what happened but the fact that a relationship didn't work out doesn't mean that the people involved were less worth or didn't offer enough. It just means that they weren't compatible in the long run.

It takes time to find someone who is a good match and sometimes wishful thinking gets in the way, like RH wrote.
It's a good idea to make use of the of the experience and find out more about what it is you need in a relationship and what you have to offer, but no need to beat yourself up about it.
 
I'm sorry break-ups really suck. Give yourself some time to grieve. Exercise, dance naked to music, curl up on the couch and watch old favorite movies.

Then get back out into the world and try again. A new interest is the best cure for a broken heart.

:rose: hugs :rose:
 
... and you are NOT stupid !! You took a risk on love and a partner. That's courage, not stupidity.
 
MeltformySir said:
I'm feeling the fool for once again trusting someone in the lifestyle and being hurt once again. When you put so much trust in someone, it hurts to be violated. When you offer everything you have and is not enough, how do you move on? When you've been so very intimate and given your all, how do you ever feel like you have any worth? I wonder when I'll stop being so stupid. SMH. My heart is broken.
Click to expand...

I think that's a human thing. I am recently out of an eight-year relationship, and I think (as someone above said), a lot of it has to do with compatibility. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you give, because you're trying to put that square shape into the circle shape. Maybe sometimes you can figure out some sort of compromise, but if it isn't working it isn't working. And I say this as someone who did the breaking up, because I watched us erode each other's self-confidence as the years passed, because while we were best friends, we weren't what the other needed. We weren't good for each other.

So while I don't know your situation (and, hell, maybe this is way off base, but there's no way for me to know), things are never so easy as to say that you are become worthless. I know it's always easy to say that to someone when you're looking in on them and seeing them objectively, without their hurt, but it is nonetheless just about always spot on.

And I say that as someone who is, myself, struggling with those feelings of worthlessness and hurt (because, even if he couldn't be my lover, he was the closest person to me in the world, and hurting him like that makes me feel like utter, complete shit, no matter what logic says). The most you can do is take note of your feelings, and don't ignore them. Work through them. Identify what you need, and learn how to look for it, carefully, in other people.

But first, foremost, concentrate on you. Give yourself a break every now and again.

Love yourself.
 
I'm sorry it hurts. I am also confident that when the dust settles, you will be able to see that this experience only added to your wisdom and value like heart earned pennies in your pocket. You are still the woman you were before all this happened and your skin will feel right again soon.

I also agree that to show up with wholehearted vulnerability and truly love is brave. If you did something stupid then learn from it, then just try to let the rest of this add to you and carry your increased worth forward to a future waiting for you. You are totally going to be ok, and odds are that you might even be great.

:rose:
 
Curious_in_Cali said:
I'm sorry it hurts. I am also confident that when the dust settles, you will be able to see that this experience only added to your wisdom and value like heart earned pennies in your pocket. You are still the woman you were before all this happened and your skin will feel right again soon.

I also agree that to show up with wholehearted vulnerability and truly love is brave. If you did something stupid then learn from it, then just try to let the rest of this add to you and carry your increased worth forward to a future waiting for you. You are totally going to be ok, and odds are that you might even be great.

:rose:
Click to expand...

I know you are right. I have survived bad things before and I will survive this. I can't thank you enough for your support and encouragement while I try to find my way back to the wonderful, awesome, strong, amazing *me* that I know I am...if I can just find her in here amongst all the grief, pain and rejection. :rose:
 
endlesswhimsy said:
I think that's a human thing. I am recently out of an eight-year relationship, and I think (as someone above said), a lot of it has to do with compatibility. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you give, because you're trying to put that square shape into the circle shape. Maybe sometimes you can figure out some sort of compromise, but if it isn't working it isn't working. And I say this as someone who did the breaking up, because I watched us erode each other's self-confidence as the years passed, because while we were best friends, we weren't what the other needed. We weren't good for each other.

So while I don't know your situation (and, hell, maybe this is way off base, but there's no way for me to know), things are never so easy as to say that you are become worthless. I know it's always easy to say that to someone when you're looking in on them and seeing them objectively, without their hurt, but it is nonetheless just about always spot on.

And I say that as someone who is, myself, struggling with those feelings of worthlessness and hurt (because, even if he couldn't be my lover, he was the closest person to me in the world, and hurting him like that makes me feel like utter, complete shit, no matter what logic says). The most you can do is take note of your feelings, and don't ignore them. Work through them. Identify what you need, and learn how to look for it, carefully, in other people.

But first, foremost, concentrate on you. Give yourself a break every now and again.

Love yourself.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I KNOW all this in my head, I just can't hear it over the loudness of my heart breaking. He told me for months over and over about why his ex was wrong for him, how much better off he was without her, how I was just what he needed and wanted, then literally 2 days after our most intense scene together ever, where he beat the shit out of me and choked me out several times and took me to places I have never been before because I TRUSTED him so much, he flew her to our city to help her get into recovery for alcoholism, (which is great, of course I want her to be okay) AND that when she finishes detox she is moving in with him and his parents and that he fully expects to reconcile with her and that I am not even owed the decency of still being someone he dates as well. Boom, dropped like a hot potato. I totally get helping her, but I don't get expecting her to be able to recover while she's with him, a big part of the reason she fell of the wagon in the first place, AND given the fact that everything that was wrong about them before is still wrong. So it's hard to have a good self image when you've been dropped for someone who has hurt the man I love so very much, after I gave him months of devoted service. That's my struggle.
 
ecstaticsub said:
... and you are NOT stupid !! You took a risk on love and a partner. That's courage, not stupidity.
Click to expand...

No, the stupidity is all the money I gave to him because I thought it was part of our friendship and he really cared about me.
 
MeltformySir said:
No, the stupidity is all the money I gave to him because I thought it was part of our friendship and he really cared about me.
Click to expand...
Try to think of it in this light. You paid for two things, a lesson and true look at someone's heart.

Lesson: Try not to give anyone money as it can very easily become a sore spot later on or in hindsight and if you do, give only as much as you're willing to walk away from.

True Look: You know the type of person he is now and should be able to make rather informative decisions in the future about whether or not he can be trusted to any kinds of promises he might make to you or others.

It might gall you to think he "gets away with it", but really, he's going one direction and you've got freedom / opportunity to go another. Try not to focus too much on what he's doing or what's not happening to him and just push forward. It's said that living well and happily is the best revenge, after all.
 
moonbeam17 said:
Try to think of it in this light. You paid for two things, a lesson and true look at someone's heart.

Lesson: Try not to give anyone money as it can very easily become a sore spot later on or in hindsight and if you do, give only as much as you're willing to walk away from.

True Look: You know the type of person he is now and should be able to make rather informative decisions in the future about whether or not he can be trusted to any kinds of promises he might make to you or others.

It might gall you to think he "gets away with it", but really, he's going one direction and you've got freedom / opportunity to go another. Try not to focus too much on what he's doing or what's not happening to him and just push forward. It's said that living well and happily is the best revenge, after all.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your wisdom. :rose:
 
I can totally relate to how you feel! I went through a similar situation a while ago, and sometimes it still really hurts! It sucks to fall hook, line, and sinker for someone, only to end up on your ass. My advice is to distract yourself from the initial pain as much as possible! It can be easy to sink into those feelings of self-worthlessness, so spoil yourself until you can handle it. Get a pedicure, buy your favorite smoothie, have a girl's night! Remember: ultimately, you will always have yourself, so appreciate yourself in these rough times! But that being said, don't be afraid to cry! Sob, throw things, let yourself get all those feelings out, because holding onto them will just make you feel worse! It's okay to cry when you feel like crying!

And do not let this rejection reflect on yourself -- your worth is not defined by someone else! Especially not a person who would hurt you emotionally! I hope you feel better soon!
 
Melt... I heard this song on the radio this morning and it actually made me think of you.
Yes, I know it hurts, but given the brief views of his choices you have shared here, it really seems like him leaving just leaves you with one less problem.

Take good care of you. :rose:
 
Don't be afraid to grieve, it's a loss for whatever reason, and it is going to hurt. Let it out, don't bottle things up, that isn't healthy (I know, I'm an expert with that), don't be afraid to yell and throw stuff. And lean on your friends, the true ones are already standing waiting for that call, even if you don't know it. It never fails to amaze me at the love and support that comes through here on Lit when something happens to one of us. I just wish I'd known about it a few years back when I needed someone to drag me back up. I've read some of your posts on a number of occasions, and you always came across as a happy, confident, and contented person, and while it might not feel that way now, underneath you still are that person, you're just hurt. Don't let this knock your self esteem, it will pass. It might be the first thing you think of when you wake up right now, but one day soon, it'll be the second thing you think of, and then you'll be on the way back for sure.

Take care, you'll survive this, and there's a lot of people around here who won't let you fall.

SV x
 
It hurts!

(But it an inherit risk when you date someone as complex as a Homo Sapiens)
 
MeltformySir said:
No, the stupidity is all the money I gave to him because I thought it was part of our friendship and he really cared about me.
Click to expand...

You have to think about it like something you bought to make money on but you lost money, because what you bought wasn't nearly worth what you paid for it.

Think of it as a business venture that didn't pan out, but with something like that the only thing you can do is start over again hoping for a better outcome the next time.
 
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