Abuse of Power

I've been thinking about this since my husband brought it up. We were talking about what happens after an intense scene. How we tend to ourselves as aftercare.

He told me he really has to step back from it all afterwards. Not out of guilt, or shame, or anything like that. I asked all of those questions. But because he has to go back to his everyday self. Like in those moments, he exercises a great deal of authority, and then has to take some time to get his equilibrium back. I don't know if that makes sense, and I may be describing this wrong. There's no real way for me to fully grasp his thought process (because I'm not him).

He mentioned that he worries sometimes about abusing the power he has. He used this experiment as an example which he had learned about long ago in a college course. I only ever knew about it because he told me about it after his class. Of course, recently I decided to look it up and read about it.

For me, I don't think he has anything to worry about. He clearly doesn't want to abuse his authority over me. I don't believe that power corrupts or that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Also, I'm not a prisoner. I think communicating regularly about these things will also keep the power trip in check.

But it leads me to the question: can having such authority lead to the abuse of power?

Have you or anyone you know of ever abused authority in a power dynamic relationship (started off fine but over time became abusive)? Is it a problem that happens often? Or is this just another "to each their own/compatibility" kind of thing?


Note: The experiment failed and since then there have been other experiments conducted that are contrary to the findings of the one linked. I just thought I'd put this in so we don't get caught up in how right or wrong this particular case was as it was just the example given to me.

MeekMe said:

I've been thinking about this since my husband brought it up. We were talking about what happens after an intense scene. How we tend to ourselves as aftercare.

He told me he really has to step back from it all afterwards. Not out of guilt, or shame, or anything like that. I asked all of those questions. But because he has to go back to his everyday self. Like in those moments, he exercises a great deal of authority, and then has to take some time to get his equilibrium back. I don't know if that makes sense, and I may be describing this wrong. There's no real way for me to fully grasp his thought process (because I'm not him).

He mentioned that he worries sometimes about abusing the power he has. He used this experiment as an example which he had learned about long ago in a college course. I only ever knew about it because he told me about it after his class. Of course, recently I decided to look it up and read about it.

For me, I don't think he has anything to worry about. He clearly doesn't want to abuse his authority over me. I don't believe that power corrupts or that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Also, I'm not a prisoner. I think communicating regularly about these things will also keep the power trip in check.

But it leads me to the question: can having such authority lead to the abuse of power?

Have you or anyone you know of ever abused authority in a power dynamic relationship (started off fine but over time became abusive)? Is it a problem that happens often? Or is this just another "to each their own/compatibility" kind of thing?


Note: The experiment failed and since then there have been other experiments conducted that are contrary to the findings of the one linked. I just thought I'd put this in so we don't get caught up in how right or wrong this particular case was as it was just the example given to me.

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What you're explaining that your husband is experiencing could be top drop. It's very similar to sub drop, in that the scene tends to drain someone of their energy and they can feel weak or shaky. Sometimes it can seem like it's difficult to turn the scene off and that's maybe what he's feeling. It's good that he realizes this, and the two of you will have to find a way to deal with this. Maybe changing the atmosphere right after a scene like putting on some different music, turning on the TV, putting on clothing that has no titillating powers (no leather, nudity or anything else he triggers with a scene), or anything else that might help change the atmosphere and help him to switch from dom to just husband.

As for the test, I'm familiar with that test. Some types of people have a problem with total control. When they are given that much control over someone, something happens inside and they can take advantage of it. I don't know if there are any doms that ever feel that way, but in this test, they used random people, not those in the BDSM lifestyle. Vanilla people are different, if you ask me.

It's never happened to me, but I can see how it would be very easy, especially for a new dom. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement, the power and the control as well as your own desires to the point that you miss or actually forget to watch out for your submissive.

That's part of the job of a dom...to watch out for the submissive and make sure they are OK through out the scene. Sometimes they are bound, and sometimes they are gagged. A cramp in their leg or a rope tied too tight or some other emergency can come up. A dom is suppose to stay in communication with the submissive and watch out for any issue that might come up.

As for abuse of power, some doms can consider their desires more important that those of the submissive and that should be a red flag for submissives. No dom should consider their own climax or some other sexual desire more important than their submissive's safety and well being. If their submissive calls out or somehow displays their safe word, the dom should stop everything and give their full attention to the submissive and why they used their safe word. It's just part of the job of being the dom.

And there are doms who aren't really doms. These guys will slowly change the rules of the game they play and add to their power over their submissive. They might limit their submissive's connections with friends and family, take control over what the submissive is allowed to wear, and they can also tell them to never leave the house. Now some people may consider these a part of a normal D/s relationship, but I don't. I think this is taking control too far.

If the submissive is OK with their dom taking so much control, that's up to them but some sociopaths will slowly take away any connections their submissive has with the outside world so he has total control over her. Limiting connections with friends and family is a red flag and a sign that the dom is very insecure and clingy. Personally, I don't know how a dom could be that insecure and still be a dom.

I guess your mileage may vary, and some of these things I've pointed out might be OK with someone else. Especially with newbie doms, they can sometimes forget their job of looking out for the safety of the submissive. It's not uncommon, but they need to remember that part of their job. And the sociopath types, who want total control...that just bothers me. People need to have lives and to limit someone's connections with the outside world is just going too far.

Thank you so much DVS. （＾ω＾）

I realize we discuss abuse a lot, but I hoped this would garner some interesting responses.

I trust my husband to be conscious of my safety, and I believe he will continue to be. I was hoping to show him somehow, that he wasn't going to transform into an ogre (so to speak). He seemed very concerned that he might eventually turn into something that isn't him. This makes me wonder if he likes it that much (or maybe doesn't like it?). Would this be a case where someone enjoyed the authority so much they thought it might become something of a problem? Clearly, more for me to talk with him about. I think maybe we should really discuss what would be considered abuse. Outlining clearly what is and is not for us.

And I agree with you on some of those things. Again, cool if that's what you're into, but some of those things just aren't for me.

Again, thank you so much for the reply DVS. （＾＿＾）☆

I forgot about what you said that your husband had been experiencing himself and I went back and added a little about that. I don't know if it makes any sense to you, but to me, it seems like he needs to find a way to turn things off, when the time comes. Yes, I do think he might find it almost too exciting that he enjoys it so much, he just doesn't want to stop. And it's not his conscious self, but his subconscious mind that's acting that way. He's aware of it, so he's conscious of it and that's good.

Edited to add...
Maybe you can tell him to take out the trash right after a scene. Wouldn't that tend to put him in his place as just a husband?

DVS said:

I forgot about what you said that your husband had been experiencing himself and I went back and added a little about that. I don't know if it makes any sense to you, but to me, it seems like he needs to find a way to turn things off, when the time comes. Yes, I do think he might find it almost too exciting that he enjoys it so much, he just doesn't want to stop. And it's not his conscious self, but his subconscious mind that's acting that way. He's aware of it, so he's conscious of it and that's good.

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You're right. He told me that aftercare for him was to distance himself and play a video game or relax the way he normally would. He told me specifically he does this to turn off that side.

I did explain to him during our conversation that top drop is something that could happen. We're certain that's part of what happens afterward. He told me he does need to recharge after an intense scene. It makes perfect sense.

DVS said:

Edited to add...
Maybe you can tell him to take out the trash right after a scene. Wouldn't that tend to put him in his place as just a husband?

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Lol, that would work. But I can't have him do that, he takes it on his way out in the morning. We have to carry it down stairs and to a dumpster on the other side of the lot. I'd feel bad. ＞_＜

Though, he isn't just a husband. o(^_^)o And I've taken my fair share of garbage out. (@_@) a full litter change for the cat boxes is 30lbs of no fun. It's probably pretty comical watching a 90lbs woman try to stay upright on the way to the dumpster.

While I absolutely understand where he is coming from as far as being 'afraid to overdo it', so to speak, I just want to point out that the applications of the Zimbardo study (which I studied as well) are often taken way out of proportion. For one, the entire study was conducted on single, white men from the same area, the same agegroup, the same socioeconomic strata, and the same religious/cultural background. This means that it is not an accurate representation of the entire species, since it doesn't take into account the very real possibility that people of different genders, races, incomes and cultures could have widely different proclivities towards this obsession with power. I don't know about the other factors, but I'm willing to bet good money that lower incomes make people much more vulnerable. Not only that, but Zimbardo claims that polarization (known colloquially as 'groupthink') was the main reason for the outcome, with the other members affirming each other's roles regularly enough for them to be taken for granted, so a smaller-scaled, localized domination like your husband's is a different thing entirely.

Long story short, he's not at much at risk of turning into a tyrannical despot as he might think. So relax.

MeekMe said:

You're right. He told me that aftercare for him was to distance himself and play a video game or relax the way he normally would. He told me specifically he does this to turn off that side.

I did explain to him during our conversation that top drop is something that could happen. We're certain that's part of what happens afterward. He told me he does need to recharge after an intense scene. It makes perfect sense.

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When I first got together with my husband, I was confused about how he could be almost like a polite stranger after intense and intimate situations.
I'd still be all mushy brained and thinking: -We just did that and now you're making small talk about something you read in the news?
Eventually I did get that he needed that to cool down.
It has changed over the years though and he doesn't seem to need it anymore.

IrisAlthea said:

When I first got together with my husband, I was confused about how he could be almost like a polite stranger after intense and intimate situations.
I'd still be all mushy brained and thinking: -We just did that and now you're making small talk about something you read in the news?
Eventually I did get that he needed that to cool down.
It has changed over the years though and he doesn't seem to need it anymore.

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I knew I was going to fall hard for J when he made me a cup of tea and started to talk about the embargo on Iran after our first rather sleepless night.

I loved it that he'd transition like that without starting to coddle me and pick such an interesting topic for his monologue. I was too busy blushing and still being wtf just happened to really partake in the conversation. I've never thought about it like him cooling down, more like him just being polite and trying to entertain me in that weird moment, but maybe it was just that.

Now he just eats and/or goes to sleep and leaves me doing whatever.

Thank you for your reply KingOfWhispers. I will point out again that the study was failed and only used as an example for this.

IrisAlthea said:

When I first got together with my husband, I was confused about how he could be almost like a polite stranger after intense and intimate situations.
I'd still be all mushy brained and thinking: -We just did that and now you're making small talk about something you read in the news?
Eventually I did get that he needed that to cool down.
It has changed over the years though and he doesn't seem to need it anymore.

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(^-^)/ Thank you IrisAlthea, that isn't quite as far as he goes, but makes so much sense.

seela said:

I knew I was going to fall hard for J when he made me a cup of tea and started to talk about the embargo on Iran after our first rather sleepless night.

I loved it that he'd transition like that without starting to coddle me and pick such an interesting topic for his monologue. I was too busy blushing and still being wtf just happened to really partake in the conversation. I've never thought about it like him cooling down, more like him just being polite and trying to entertain me in that weird moment, but maybe it was just that.

Now he just eats and/or goes to sleep and leaves me doing whatever.

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Sounds about right. Cuddles, here's some tea, plays video games.


So... This is a little embarrassing. After posting yesterday about this and receiving some replies I finally got the chance to talk to Mister. I brought all this up again and he laughed at me. (･_･; Apparently, I misunderstood. He did describe top drop, but he wasn't talking about the whole power abuse thing having to do with that.

It was actually more like DVS described for some stricter 24/7 stuff. He doesn't care for that sort of thing. So, moral of the story: sometimes you have to talk about something more than once to figure it out.

Ah~ learning experiences...

The times I've worried about turning into something else, have all been times when I've been out of touch with what *I* actually want, and I've been performing scenes for some other purpose. I've had moments in my life where I've taken hours to figure out that what bothers me about the great time we just had is that it felt like commercial work. Blergh. That takes a lot of processing.

The truth is, we're often behaving in ways that make our submissive halves compliant and happy and mooshy and completely re-set and feeling wonderful, and I question how many of US actually get to that same place by dishing out discipline or mindfucks or bondage or all of these things - wonderful things without which we become desperately unhappy fuckers as Doms/Tops, but things which don't always tend to function that way for us.

And you know, as humans, we all need that re-set, zone out, happy, la la la button hit.

So, don't take it personally, because it's not about you. But it's very easy for people to start to ask if they are losing track of their actual selves in the D/s relationship who are NOT the s. You're expressing your actual self finally - yay! But it's hard to know if you're doing that when you might just actually want to do your own thing or nothing at all, and your SO is giving signals that she or he is really really getting squirrely if you don't do something in service to your dynamic. Boo.

Part of having your way - REALLY having your way and being served, involves inherently being a tremendous disappointment to your submissive SO. It's going to happen. You can wait till you have some kind of a health crisis that makes it happen, or you can take care of yourself and beat ass when it's YOUR idea and YOUR desire. If you are actually wired as a Dominant, you actually NEED to do this.

@Netzach: I don't know if that's a connection that necessarily needs to be made. A lot of people fix this problem in a whole lot of ways. Drugs, books, maybe a punching bag or a jog in the park. Meditation is actually becoming an increasingly common one. Just because we're doms doesn't mean we're incapable of introspection. Hell, as a dominant (and, admittedly, a perfectionist), I feel if I can't even master myself, what the hell am I doing trying to hold dominion over someone else?

KingOfWhispers said:

@Netzach: I don't know if that's a connection that necessarily needs to be made. A lot of people fix this problem in a whole lot of ways. Drugs, books, maybe a punching bag or a jog in the park. Meditation is actually becoming an increasingly common one. Just because we're doms doesn't mean we're incapable of introspection. Hell, as a dominant (and, admittedly, a perfectionist), I feel if I can't even master myself, what the hell am I doing trying to hold dominion over someone else?

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Your sub/bottom gets this in spades when you work her/him over. Endorphins going crazy. Lurve light lit up. All is great. And when you want that kind of release, you should jog, jack off, read Plato, what?

Look, what we do is work. I don't care how much you love it, unless your SM is limited to an internal dynamic and spontaneous hard fucking there is planning and cleaning and procurement of materials and scheduling!
If not, nine times in ten you're not fucking hard enough and long enough for them even then. It's what we love, this being wanted thing.

I don't know a single couple where the general complaint is "you know, I wish Master/Mistress would work me over a little less and pay a little less attention to me and more to his/her own needs."

How rarely have I ever heard anyone say "you know, Mistress wasn't up to it, so I took a run for a mile and it was really terrific!"

There is a huge asymmetry in a lot of our relationships. There, I said it.

I'd like a submissive who cares about my feelings of optimum enough that they're not always going to take my planning and organization and then leave me to find zen perfection in getting a cardigan sleeve knit right. I've gotten better and more attentive service and care and loyalty from people who show up closer to center on the spectrum of "I am a service oriented slave!" not further out along it.

Things that make it seem like you are serving me, holistically me, and not your needs from me:

Put some of that same sweat into the service aspects and use some initiative, the sweat that it takes to create another space and another reality to come home to.

Seduce me. Play with me. Entice me. Without offending me or belittling me in the process. Even when I'm pretty worn down, a game is something I perk up for and it doesn't feel like it's something I "should be doing for the sake of...."

^^^ This makes a lot of sense.

Even if this thread has gotten a little off. This is a gold mine of information.