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gunhilltrain

gunhilltrain

Multi-unit control
Joined
Mar 1, 2018
Posts
7,618
Laurel I guess is publishing these things faster than usual.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-hippie-girls-agenda

The setting for some of these stories: Finley Hall student center; photo is back when the chaste (I assume) Catholic ladies of the Manhattanville College of the Sacred Heart went there (the future Ethel Kennedy was in the class of '49 I think).

By the 1970s as part of the City University the old place had new standards. (Manhattanville College relocated to the suburbs.) People did sometimes have sex in in least one of the student newspaper offices as in the story. It was in the central wing above the portico, third floor, two windows to the far left.

https://www.mville.edu/sites/default/files/Library/GroupofStudents1940s.jpg
 
I hate to see a request for feedback go so long without a reply. I guess folks get busy around the holidays - I know I was. But things are finally settling down and I read your story tonight. You didn't really specify what sort of feedback you were looking for, so here are some general thoughts.

In the notes you suggest that you have a journalism background. It shows. Technically, the writing was perfect. If there was a single typo, I didn't see it. Full marks for grammar, usage, and punctuation.

The setting of the story I liked, but I'm not familiar with Manhattan, circa 1975. There were a lot of references and allusions in there that I didn't get. Writing for a student newspaper, you have the luxury of knowing every reader shares the same environment and similar experiences. Writing for the web, your audience is global and of all ages. I have no doubt that the setting was crystal clear in your mind, but if you're going to write an historical piece like this, you need to provide more context for the reader.

The scenario you present - a role-playing tryst between lovers - was clever and ambitious. Unfortunately, I had trouble separating your characters from themselves and the roles they were playing. Their motivations got muddled together. I can see how narrator Paul might be uncertain of Michelle/Clary's feelings or motivations, but I still have no idea why Paul turned on Clary there at the end.

The story actually reads very journalistically, which is no surprise. It reads like an accurate accounting of the events as they transpired. But it lacks any emotion or any real heat. There's no desire in her eyes. His heart doesn't race. She doesn't moan at his touch. It's honestly kind of dry for erotica.

Your writing is really strong, and the idea was original. But I think you need to let go of some of that journalism training and embellish your story with more emotion and more motivation. You've got who what where when and how. Focus your efforts on why these people are having sex, and you'll have a hotter story.
 
LoquiSordidaAdMe said:
I hate to see a request for feedback go so long without a reply. I guess folks get busy around the holidays - I know I was. But things are finally settling down and I read your story tonight. You didn't really specify what sort of feedback you were looking for, so here are some general thoughts.

In the notes you suggest that you have a journalism background. It shows. Technically, the writing was perfect. If there was a single typo, I didn't see it. Full marks for grammar, usage, and punctuation.

The setting of the story I liked, but I'm not familiar with Manhattan, circa 1975. There were a lot of references and allusions in there that I didn't get. Writing for a student newspaper, you have the luxury of knowing every reader shares the same environment and similar experiences. Writing for the web, your audience is global and of all ages. I have no doubt that the setting was crystal clear in your mind, but if you're going to write an historical piece like this, you need to provide more context for the reader.

The scenario you present - a role-playing tryst between lovers - was clever and ambitious. Unfortunately, I had trouble separating your characters from themselves and the roles they were playing. Their motivations got muddled together. I can see how narrator Paul might be uncertain of Michelle/Clary's feelings or motivations, but I still have no idea why Paul turned on Clary there at the end.

The story actually reads very journalistically, which is no surprise. It reads like an accurate accounting of the events as they transpired. But it lacks any emotion or any real heat. There's no desire in her eyes. His heart doesn't race. She doesn't moan at his touch. It's honestly kind of dry for erotica.

Your writing is really strong, and the idea was original. But I think you need to let go of some of that journalism training and embellish your story with more emotion and more motivation. You've got who what where when and how. Focus your efforts on why these people are having sex, and you'll have a hotter story.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your detailed comments. I have given it some thought today and here are some impressions I have.

1. The settings / places: I've used the same locations in several stories and I have considered how often to repeat descriptions of certain places. (I did include a link in the message before this one to a photograph of the building.)

There are some trade-offs in a short story versus a novel. There is a John Updike level of detail that could work in a novel, although I've known people who thinks he takes it too far! I suspect the readers here are happy enough; they can go on-line for more detail if they really are curious.

2. The role-play: this is actually quite brief and Paul is basically playing himself while Michelle hasn't put that much thought into it; Clary is pretty sketchy. I have a longer role-play story here: https://www.literotica.com/s/lioness-limousine

3. Maybe sex is not always "sexy." Having reached the age of 63, being married for two decades and then not for a while, and with various other experiences, I have realized while writing these stories: sex in our era has a lot of expectations piled upon it that can't be met.

Part of it is the end of youth. Racing hearts and desire in the eyes only lasts for - six to twelve months? - and then evolves into something different or the relationship just ends.

Also, in the 1970s when some of these stories are set, the on-going sexual revolution had the paradoxical effect of sex being over-hyped yet trivialized at the same time. One of the most famous erotic novels of the period, Fear of Flying, is about the heroine's ambivalence about her own expectations and how these are rarely met.

Anyway I don't see sex the way I once did so my goal is not to write "hotter" stories but more accurate or plausible ones.
 
Last edited:
Addendum

Why does Paul turn on Clary?

Well she walks in and immediately has abrupt but passionless sex with him and then announces that she wants a quid pro quo giving her access to the paper.

He's found out how crass he is himself, and Clary has gone beyond that telling him that it's all a transaction. Maybe it's to his credit that he can't go through with it.

Later Michelle and Paul find it silly that Clary imagines that student newspapers have "casting couches." But I remember that those papers did have some nasty office politics and yes, future jobs were part of the stakes. I knew a few people who did hone their future adult ruthlessness while in college activities.
 
gunhilltrain said:
Anyway I don't see sex the way I once did so my goal is not to write "hotter" stories but more accurate or plausible ones.
Click to expand...

Ah. Well if that's your goal, then well done. There was nothing about the story that struck me as inaccurate - some things I might not be able to verify, but I have no reason to doubt them. And the whole scenario seemed entirely plausible to me. "Unlikely but plausible" is what I aim for myself. So many stories here are just so ridiculously over-the-top it's actually refreshing to read something that seems like it might have actually happened. Keep up the good work.
 
gunhilltrain said:
Thanks for your detailed comments. I have given it some thought today and here are some impressions I have.

1. The settings / places: I've used the same locations in several stories and I have considered how often to repeat descriptions of certain places. (I did include a link in the message before this one to a photograph of the building.)

There are some trade-offs in a short story versus a novel. There is a John Updike level of detail that could work in a novel, although I've known people who thinks he takes it too far! I suspect the readers here are happy enough; they can go on-line for more detail if they really are curious.

2. The role-play: this is actually quite brief and Paul is basically playing himself while Michelle hasn't put that much thought into it; Clary is pretty sketchy. I have a longer role-play story here: https://www.literotica.com/s/lioness-limousine

3. Maybe sex is not always "sexy." Having reached the age of 63, being married for two decades and then not for a while, and with various other experiences, I have realized while writing these stories: sex in our era has a lot of expectations piled upon it that can't be met.

Part of it is the end of youth. Racing hearts and desire in the eyes only lasts for - six to twelve months? - and then evolves into something different or the relationship just ends.

Also, in the 1970s when some of these stories are set, the on-going sexual revolution had the paradoxical effect of sex being over-hyped yet trivialized at the same time. One of the most famous erotic novels of the period, Fear of Flying, is about the heroine's ambivalence about her own expectations and how these are rarely met.

Anyway I don't see sex the way I once did so my goal is not to write "hotter" stories but more accurate or plausible ones.
Click to expand...

That’s one of the reasons I read your story - plausible sex. Don’t get me wrong, I also love a real world setting rooted in reality, even if it’s Sci-Fi. Kudos 🌹Kant
 
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