More Humour

Handley_Page said:

I bought a new perfume for my girlfriend, it's called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

Click to expand...

I'm surprised. I heard it had a knock-out aroma. Wonder if it's because each time she uses it she wakes up with a sore arse?

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $2,000.00. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wisconsin."

A policeman pulls over a car, approaches the driver's side window and finds a husband and wife. He asks the man driving, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

The wife loudly exclaims, "Because he was speeding, right? I kept telling him he was driving too fast, but would he listen to me? Oh no, he just drove faster!"

"Shut up you ugly bitch!" the man screams at his wife.

"I'm afraid I'll have to write a ticket for driving without your seat belt, too," the officer explains.

"But I am wearing it," the man says.

"He just put it on after he saw your lights," the wife exclaims. "He never wears his seat belt. He only put it on because he was getting pulled over."

"Damn it, you stupid, ugly bitch. Will you shut the fuck up?" the man yells at his wife.

Enough was enough. The officer the apologizes for the woman's ill-tempered husband and asks the woman, "Is he always like this?"

The woman replies, "Only when he's had too much to drink, officer."

A Hard Night's Work

It was very late, and George and Frank were on the way, mostly, home from an evening of hard work lifting assorted beverages at a local tavern.

"Jeez!" George said, after spending several minutes deciphering his watch. "Look how late it is! My wife will kill me."

"Hunh?" mumbled Frank.

"She always wakes up when I get home, no matter how quietly I sneak into the house. And when I'm this late and this drunk, she makes the next week hell for me."

"Really?" asked Frank. "I never have that kind of trouble."

"How do you manage that?"

"I don't bother trying to sneak in. I slam the door when I come into the house. Then I throw my coat at the hall tree, which usually falls over and makes a hell of a clatter. I stomp up the stairs into the bathroom, and slam that door. I sing as loudly as I can while I piss. When I'm done, I flush the toilet and stomp into the bedroom, throwing off my clothes as I go."

"Damn!" said George. "And she never wakes up?"

"Nah," Frank went on. "When I get into the room, I slam the door and shout, "Who's horny?' She never wakes up."

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".

But none of them touches the man's penis and says, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.


FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more
comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble,
they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.
Moreover, 99 out of 100 people who die of cancer drank milk when
they were infants.

BONUS TRUTH:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

AND THAT's THE TRUTH !!!!!

THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU MAY THINK. THE
ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER.



DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT OUT.

A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! answer them first.....

*****************

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.



02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.



03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'



04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.'



05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'



06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'



07. Nestle's makes the very best . .. .. . _______________.'



08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.



09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.


10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________
________... '



11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.



12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.



13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.



14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.



15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ___________ ____________.


16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?



17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!



18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _____ Knows!



19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash". It's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________






ANSWERS:

01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04.To protect the innocent.

05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19.Monster Mash

20. Speedy

Send this to your 'older' friends, (Better known as Seniors.) It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive �
So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
For a second there was silence, then Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

These Should Be In A Dictionary ....

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a bad sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines

Let's hear it for Big Government

Not before time either. Lives are being ruined by this.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/fck-boots-must-stay-on-says-government-20071206582

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at the Air Base with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

The Corpse of the Giant is undergoing medical examination and analysis at Harvard Medical School. This is one student's idea of homework.

She looked at him and murmured:
"Rose are Red,
Violets are Blue,
'Been married for years
and I'll never tire of lovin' you".

She smiled.
He looked at her, smiled wolfishly and said:
"Through all the things
that came to pass,
Our love has grown,
but so's your ass.".

Colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before?

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at the Bank, didn't you?"

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?.

Whilst larger swathes of the USA are buried under lots of snow, we in the UK also have a few problems; particularly the inability of the earth to get rid of rainwater.
In other words; flood. In some parts, of 'near-biblical' proportions (south west and more recently the Thames valley).

There's a damned good cartoon in this morning's paper. See here.

Those of us living in the non-stricken parts of England may, perhaps, take a breather.
Even if even we have to paddle at times.

I went down to Social Security Office in the UK this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn, this is a great country..

Classic Tower Conversations

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."

"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."

"If you want more room, captain, push your seat back."

"For radar identification, throw your jump-seat rider out the window."

"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.."
"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this air-plane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied,
"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car

Proof that men have better friends

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened, Closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

STRESS: That confusion that is created when you mind overrides you body's impulse to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.

A man and his wife moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!

When they arrived in Minnesota , they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in Minnesota to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !

Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on the screen, direct from Ole's Minnesota Fire Insurance Company , it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".

Minnesota logic’s far superior to most others

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Winston Churchill loved them:


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound,
some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn
how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right -
only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit..
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says,
'In case of emergency, Notify:-'
I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting
harder and harder for me to find one now.

...and Groucho was a master of them:

"I've had a wonderful evening. Unfortunately it wasn't tonight."

"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."