Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > Story Feedback

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 07-27-2018, 10:11 PM   #26
nosebone
Literotica Guru
 
nosebone is offline
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Oklahoma, USA
Posts: 704
Kant:

Excellent story. I initially thought it was drawn out some until I reached the end and realized it was one page and a very sexy final passage and it became all better!!!

I won't harp on the punctuation stuff as I'm sure that you'll hear those from others and I routinely publish things with less than stellar polish.

Some things I really enjoyed.

His insistence on calling you Kevin and his hesitance to accept you as who you see yourself. This adds layers of reality to the story.

The tease. There's continual build up, with no release!!!!

Smoking the cigarette. I know you should go to hell for this now, but lipsticked lips smoking a cigarette drive me bonkers. Hard to imagine that this has become a fetish, but it has. You wrote it very well. Loved it.


Anyway, just my initial thoughts!!! You're doing some great stuff!!! Keep it up!!!
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-27-2018, 10:55 PM   #27
electricblue66
Literotica Guru
 
electricblue66 is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Oz
Posts: 3,067
Kant, your speech tags! Whoa, far too many for me, they just become intrusive, far too contrived. They actually get in the way of your dialogue, I think.

Also, "waddle?" Nooo. Ducks waddle, not some slinky creature gliding over a bed .

But the ebb and flow of the seduction, nice. EB intoned, without adding anything to the sentence .
__________________
electricblue

My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-28-2018, 07:06 AM   #28
MelissaBaby
Literotica Guru
 
MelissaBaby's Avatar
 
MelissaBaby is offline
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3,260
Quote:
Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
Kant, your speech tags! Whoa, far too many for me, they just become intrusive, far too contrived. They actually get in the way of your dialogue, I think.

Also, "waddle?" Nooo. Ducks waddle, not some slinky creature gliding over a bed .

But the ebb and flow of the seduction, nice. EB intoned, without adding anything to the sentence .
I agree with EB about the tags, but I don't want to overlook just how pitch perfect the dialogue seems to me. You strike just the right tone of desire mixed with a little bit of first time awkwardness. Don't distract from it!
__________________
https://imgur.com/iKnOpOM

Chapter Twelve online now!
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-28-2018, 11:16 AM   #29
Kantarii
I'm Not A Bitch!
 
Kantarii's Avatar
 
Kantarii is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: In the shadows of your mind
Posts: 1,843
Quote:
Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
Kant, your speech tags! Whoa, far too many for me, they just become intrusive, far too contrived. They actually get in the way of your dialogue, I think.

Also, "waddle?" Nooo. Ducks waddle, not some slinky creature gliding over a bed .

But the ebb and flow of the seduction, nice. EB intoned, without adding anything to the sentence .
Iíve incorperated the tags into my writing style. I do see where there is residency using a question mark followed by ďI askĒ. I may submit an edit to correct that and remove a few of the tags, but itís going to be limited. I have a love affair with them, racking my brain to find the right tag to reinforce the dialogue. Certainly the reader wouldnít know I was lying to Brian without saying ďI lie/ I fib etc., right?

Waddle. Yes, waddle😎 to eliminate the excessive use of words of saying I walked across the bed on my knee towards him, well, I waddled. Ducks waddle, but if a person walks on their knees - same effect🌹Kant
__________________
♥✿♥✿☠☠ ♥✿♥☠☠♥✿♥☠☠✿✿☠☠ ♥✿♥☠☠♥✿♥☠☠✿✿☠☠ ♥✿♥
I AM FANTASY!
I am the shadows in your mind ... The gateway to your fantasies...
I am your dreams made reality ... And, the lust in your eyes...
♫♪ But, what's puzzling you is the nature of my game! ♪♫
*****************************************************************
Do T-girls & Transvestites Interest You? Checkout my Stories.

My Newest Storyline 🌹ĒBest Friends ForeverĒ 🌹A story from my personal diary where friendship turns sexual.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions My Story Submissions
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-28-2018, 11:32 AM   #30
Kantarii
I'm Not A Bitch!
 
Kantarii's Avatar
 
Kantarii is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: In the shadows of your mind
Posts: 1,843
Quote:
Originally Posted by MelissaBaby View Post
I agree with EB about the tags, but I don't want to overlook just how pitch perfect the dialogue seems to me. You strike just the right tone of desire mixed with a little bit of first time awkwardness. Don't distract from it!
Thanks. A lot of the dialogue stems from keeping good notes in my personal diary. However, a lot comes from simplifying it and not trying to use a 5$ word where a .10Ę word is more than enough to suffice.
Many readers fail to realize this is Brianís first experience, not mine.

Nosebone picked up on the fact Brian called me Kevin and didnít ask if I used a feminine name. I never identified as a woman to Brian in that sense because I didnít want him to feel like he was losing his best friend. That doesnít mean the topic wasnít brought up after we had sex.

Thanks for the insight.🌹 I know my dialogue tags area bit intrusive, but I know Iím writing on an erotic fiction site. Iím not competing to win a prize or land a writing job. Part of the joy to writing is finding something about it that pleases the writer. The tags are that joy for me in the grand scheme of telling a story from my personal diary. Thatís why it is so hard to let go and use ďI sayĒ.
🌹Kant👠👠👠
__________________
♥✿♥✿☠☠ ♥✿♥☠☠♥✿♥☠☠✿✿☠☠ ♥✿♥☠☠♥✿♥☠☠✿✿☠☠ ♥✿♥
I AM FANTASY!
I am the shadows in your mind ... The gateway to your fantasies...
I am your dreams made reality ... And, the lust in your eyes...
♫♪ But, what's puzzling you is the nature of my game! ♪♫
*****************************************************************
Do T-girls & Transvestites Interest You? Checkout my Stories.

My Newest Storyline 🌹ĒBest Friends ForeverĒ 🌹A story from my personal diary where friendship turns sexual.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions My Story Submissions
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-29-2018, 06:44 AM   #31
MelissaBaby
Literotica Guru
 
MelissaBaby's Avatar
 
MelissaBaby is offline
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3,260
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kantarii View Post
Thanks. A lot of the dialogue stems from keeping good notes in my personal diary. However, a lot comes from simplifying it and not trying to use a 5$ word where a .10Ę word is more than enough to suffice.
Many readers fail to realize this is Brianís first experience, not mine.

Nosebone picked up on the fact Brian called me Kevin and didnít ask if I used a feminine name. I never identified as a woman to Brian in that sense because I didnít want him to feel like he was losing his best friend. That doesnít mean the topic wasnít brought up after we had sex.

Thanks for the insight.🌹 I know my dialogue tags area bit intrusive, but I know Iím writing on an erotic fiction site. Iím not competing to win a prize or land a writing job. Part of the joy to writing is finding something about it that pleases the writer. The tags are that joy for me in the grand scheme of telling a story from my personal diary. Thatís why it is so hard to let go and use ďI sayĒ.
🌹Kant👠👠👠
Every author has their idiosyncrasies. You are a good story teller, and reading you gives me some insight into a mind and a life very different from my own. That's what counts.
__________________
https://imgur.com/iKnOpOM

Chapter Twelve online now!

Last edited by MelissaBaby : 07-29-2018 at 02:08 PM.
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:13 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.