Looking for feedback

Hi, i just posted my first story and would very much like to hear some feedback.
It's mother-daughter lesbian incest story.
Thanks, Sf

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-gift-for-donna

You write well, especially if you are a beginner. I do have some suggestions I believe could improve your writing. There are those who will disagree, but here it goes. Many of these refinements are what I use to tighten my own writing.

Too many of your sentences take the form of: "Maria takes one step. . . and . . ."; She finally gets them open and. . . "

Also you elongate some expressions unnecessarily, such as "making the young woman's legs spread apart in the process" instead of merely saying "spreading her legs". And: ". . . has to lean forward above the kneeling Maria to put her legs against the wall. She needs help in an effort to seek support that her trembling legs can't provide." Could be ". . . leans forward above the kneeling Maria, seeking support from the wall that her trembling legs can't provide." Or something even less.

My next to last comment has to do with showing rather than telling. We readers need to use our senses. We need more of what things look like, feel like, smell and taste like. What sounds are they making? Are birds tweeting outside the window? Are there busy traffic noises that their screams are drowning out?

{quote}Maria takes one step closer, presses her body against Frida and starts kissing her. Almost immediately she has a tongue flicking in her mouth. She feels her large boobs squeezed against Frida's chest as she reaches behind her for the bra clasps. She finally gets them open and the bra falls on the floor. Maria admires for a moment the freckled porcelain-like skin around her pointy pinky nipples.

A small squeak escapes from Frida's mouth as Maria buries her fingers in her right boob while sucking her left nipple. Frida's breathing becomes erratic as Maria goes on her knees while planting a series of wet kisses down her belly, on her hips, and inside her thighs, making the young woman's legs spread apart in process. Then she twists her head up, presses her face against the inviting crotch and in one long hungry lick traces Frida's panties from the dark wet spot between her legs going up toward pubic area. (isn't the wet spot in her pubic area?)

A Heavy breathing Frida has to lean forward above the kneeling Maria to put her weight against the wall. She needs help in an effort to seek support that her trembling legs can't provide. {quote}

Finally, the change of tense from past to present can be a matter of your chosen style. However, many will criticize you for it as they have done me on many occasions, especially since the time change actually moves from present to past. There are those who feel such a change is never appropriate. (I did find the transition a bit clumsy).

Please excuse any of my own typos. I got a new laptop for xmas that I am not used to using.

Hi, thanks for your opinion.
I see your points as very valid and if i ever decide to write another story i will your advice into account.
Thanks again
Sf

Good stuff. Maybe a bit repetitive, with scene after scene of grabbing boobs, licking pussies and massive orgasms. The orgasms seem to come a bit too soon - not very realistic unless you know something I don't. Sometimes when the thoughts are in quotes, I find that a bit confusing.
Will definitely read your next one though. What will Donna get up to with her new birthday present? I look forward to hearing about it!