Feedback for my NEW story appreciated

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I normally don't read these type of stories, but I thought it was well written. The characters seemed realistic, and there was good chemistry between them. I liked the twist at the end, though I'm sure it will attract a fair share of trolls.

One criticism: you overuse ellipses. It's annoying, distracting, and at times confusing. It makes your writing look like cheesy text speak.


Overall, well done.

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The ending is good.

It's good. I wasn't bothered by the ...s at all. On the other hand I wasn't so impressed by the ending - that's been done many times before. It is well written and quite convincingly from a F point of view (I mean, there are a lot of stories written apparently from a F viewpoint that are obviously by M authors!)
Why make a point of using a condom the first time but not the other times?
It might have been better to have more of a slow build-up before the sex starts. Otherwise there is a danger that it starts to get repetitive.

Good Job

You did a good job with this. As I read it I didn't see any glaring, jar you out of the story, mistakes. The on again/off again condom use seemed a little odd as has already been mentioned.

The ending wasn't as big a surprise as I was expecting from the comments in this thread. You had some subtle hints and some not so subtle hints throughout the story that had me already thinking this was a cheating holiday so I wasn't shocked or surprised.

All in all this was a nice piece of erotica. Good job and keep writing.

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GoldenCojones said:

You did a good job with this. As I read it I didn't see any glaring, jar you out of the story, mistakes. The on again/off again condom use seemed a little odd as has already been mentioned.

The ending wasn't as big a surprise as I was expecting from the comments in this thread. You had some subtle hints and some not so subtle hints throughout the story that had me already thinking this was a cheating holiday so I wasn't shocked or surprised.

All in all this was a nice piece of erotica. Good job and keep writing.

Click to expand...

The story I got a Green E for ends with the most common closure there is, someone fires a gun at the heroine. It took me 5 full years to end the story, even my editor was stumped how to end it, then I read some advice by Raymond Chandler who said WHEN YOU DONT KNOW WHERE TO TURN FIRE A GUN AT SOMEONE. I did, and it was perfect tho common as table salt.

Good start

It's a good story but needs more depth. Right now it just has lots of sex scenes, no real info about either person. How did they meet? Stuff like that adds depth and makes interesting. Right now it's just a bunch of sex scenes and a basketball game. Add a couple of quirks to it, those make interesting reads. Here's one of mine to give idea what I mean.
https://www.literotica.com/s/her-marine-bodyguard
Also, I disagree with other person about using ellipses, you do fine. Most people just don't understand they're meant to be more than a comma pause.
It is in wrong category though, but the ending isn't a surprise, you broadly hint during the story. Not saying good or bad.
Good start though, everybody's stories improve. If you look at my first story it is nothing compared to how I write now. (Kinda embarrassing really)

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