Debut Story - The Lady & the Stallion - would love feedback please!

Out now! First story on here, been reading stories for some time and currently writing my first novel/set of short stories and I am here to improve my craft and see what readers and authors like/hate about my stories. Will try and write regularly!

Would really love any feedback!

Link to my story: https://www.literotica.com/s/the-lady-and-the-stallion

Thank you very much all!

Very cool. It's not my flavor, but I read it and enjoyed it. I appreciate that it's brief without being too narrowly focused. I'd have liked it more if there was just about a sentence more character development. This seems like a story where the heroine is being punished for losing something or going somewhere she wasn't supposed to. Is that an idea you could develop more in just a few sentences? Or with a simple answer to the question of what she's digging for in the leaves? And, what is she to the dude? Make me want to be him.
Keep it up!

You need to enable your 'private message' function.

Tigersman said:

You need to enable your 'private message' function.

Click to expand...

Good idea. You can do this by clicking on "User CP" in the upper left, then Edit Profile, then scroll down to enable Private Messaging.

I just read your story and... it's okay. More of a vignette or scene, but that's fine. I got the feeling there were a lot of ideas you wanted to put in, and I think you rushed things to get them all in there. Some probably needed a little more time or explanation, and some probably could have been left out.

The first few paragraphs felt a bit overloaded with adjectives to me. Nothing wrong with adjectives, but when every noun or every other noun is preceded by them, it gets old. For example, why couldn't she be "rifling through the autumnal leaves" right off? And rifling through leaves makes her sweat? Or is that because she's nervous about something?

Also, a word like "persecutor," while not inaccurate, adds a bit of a non-con feel to things. Which is fine if that's what you're after, but I didn't know if it was.

The comment about "2" is correct -- numbers should be written out. I find that little things like that can pull me out of a story. It's inconsistent with the rest of the story (although no other numbers are mentioned, I don't think) and also looks lazy.

But keep writing. It's not a bad story, and the mechanics are mostly good, which isn't to be underestimated. There were some errors with dialogue late in the story. We all get better with practice.