New..help on becoming sluttier

Hi all. Been reading this board for awhile and tonight decided to join. Background married 13 years two small kids at home. Our relationship has been through hell and back infidelity on both parts. Not sure if we ever really healed.

But we are still together but one issue we keep running into is my natural ability to be sluttier. ita not so much the act but the idea of me doing slutty things. We've done swinging and while it was fun for me, we were not in a rock solid point so it had to many issues. And I'm not okay with him being with another woman unless I know without a doubt I'm his number one. And so that don't seem fair for him to not be able to participate. He does enjoy watching but again that would get old fast.


This is a major need for him at this point and I just don't know where to start. He's more of a reality must be believable in order to do anything for him. So any weirdness from me just ruins the moment. We role play using real events (me with other guy and some story telling type role playing)


We really are on two levels when it comes to sex Because I tend to just go into check the box mode. I don't know I'm just at a lost. I am still trying to find my non vanilla sex wants and desires but still please him.

Diva32 said:

Hi all. Been reading this board for awhile and tonight decided to join. Background married 13 years two small kids at home. Our relationship has been through hell and back infidelity on both parts. Not sure if we ever really healed.

But we are still together but one issue we keep running into is my natural ability to be sluttier. ita not so much the act but the idea of me doing slutty things. We've done swinging and while it was fun for me, we were not in a rock solid point so it had to many issues. And I'm not okay with him being with another woman unless I know without a doubt I'm his number one. And so that don't seem fair for him to not be able to participate. He does enjoy watching but again that would get old fast.


This is a major need for him at this point and I just don't know where to start. He's more of a reality must be believable in order to do anything for him. So any weirdness from me just ruins the moment. We role play using real events (me with other guy and some story telling type role playing)


We really are on two levels when it comes to sex Because I tend to just go into check the box mode. I don't know I'm just at a lost. I am still trying to find my non vanilla sex wants and desires but still please him.

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Hello lady, welcome to Lit.

a) What do YOU really want? Do you want to behave in a more sluttier manner in bed? Or are you doing it just because your partner wants it? You say it is
a major need for him - what about your needs? Is he romantic? Caring? Do
you guys talk the things out?

b) How strong is your libido? You can't blame yourself if it's weaker then his;
.... you simply, in that case, are not operating on the same levels

Oh, and this check box thing sounds so terrifying.

Spontaneity, that's what is asked for! At least, to the certain level.

Best of luck,
curiosus69

I am just confused - beyond the title you are asking what exactly?

Diva32 said:

. . .We've done swinging and while it was fun for me, we were not in a rock solid point so it had to many issues.

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As an experienced swinger, I promise your first mistake was doing any swinging if your core relationship wasn't rock solid. My wife and I have had a lot of fun through the years, but one thing has always been true: when things felt rocky between us, we stopped seeing anyone else and stopped going to meet and greets. I believe virtually all successful swingers will back me up by saying you have to have a strong relationship for swinging to work, otherwise you'll spend all your time second guessing yourself and each other.

Diva32 said:

And I'm not okay with him being with another woman unless I know without a doubt I'm his number one.

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And vice versa, I hope (see above). Playing with other people requires everyone understanding "This is play." While what happens between you and your hubby is always love. That said, if you or your partner are going to have sex with someone else, YOU DO NOT GET TO CHOOSE WHO! Sure, you should be entitled to your opinion, however, you have to trust your partner knows what they're doing. No trust? Then get out of the water until you can trust.

People in the lifestyle (swingers) understand "This is for fun, that's all." People outside the lifestyle don't get that. Everyone who's having sex should understand the ground rules. If you're jumping on some guy, he should understand you're A) Married and B) Not interested in replacing your husband. The same is true for anyone your husband wants to fuck. She should know he's A) Married and B) Not interested in replacing his wife.

Diva32 said:

And so that don't seem fair for him to not be able to participate. He does enjoy watching but again that would get old fast.

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Don't decide for him what he should or shouldn't like, which is what you're doing there. You're deciding for him that watching isn't fair for him and that he would get bored with just watching. Says who? You? Him? Unless he said it, you're making an assumption, and you're being unfair to him.

I've never grown tired of watching my wife having sex with another man. It's fun for me on lots of different levels and never gets old. I love seeing her having fun. I love being able to watch her from a new angle than when I'm on top of her (or beneath, or behind her). It's fun seeing what the other guy does and if he stumbles on doing something I don't do, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll start doing that, too.

There's one thing I can't give my wife: a first time. We've already exhausted all of those. Whatever we're going to do, we've done it before. We can try to put a new twist on it, but it's still going to be me and her. That sense of nervous discovery can't be recaptured.

But here's something no other man can give my wife: my knowledge of her body. I know every spot to touch, when to touch it and how she likes it best. I can't count the number of times my wife has later complained to me about a new lover, "He's nice, but he can't kiss worth a damn." Or, "He's fun, but he couldn't find my clit with a road map, arrows, and a neon sign."

Good luck!

I would start by talking to him

while ur in bed, having sex


express to him what fantasies that you have that would excite you

Now BD really said it all there. Aye Wun, fantastic advice!

The only thing I would add to it is to figure out what you enjoy. I have been in relationships before with guys far more nilla than me, and those a little less, and just different darned peccadillos. The only way it ever works is if you keep the lines of communication fully open and be honest with each other.

By the time you get to 'lie back and think of England-really ought to do this because otherwise he'll get bored of me', you really need to sit down and have a full and frank conversation with him about what he wants, what he needs, and what you want and need - even if that is only nilla sex most of the time.

The worst feeling is when you think that you will never get sex the way you want it again, that it will only ever be 'tainted' by him pushing for what he wants every single time, leaving you cold while trying not to set a precedent.

Tough situation but good luck x

I am confused. Are you asking how to act as if you are slutty in the bedroom with your husband exclusively, or are you asking about actual slutty behavior?

Calliesdad2010 said:

I would start by talking to him

while ur in bed, having sex


express to him what fantasies that you have that would excite you

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I would advise the opposite. Lots of stuff is hot in the moment, the real understanding about the other persons kinks and interests happens when you can have an adult conversation about it in the cold light of day.

Yes it is awkward as hell, but it is well worth doing. It's OK to say, "Hey, this is awkward to talk about away from the heat of the moment, but, what do you think about...?"

Echoing all suggestions above. If your relationship isn't in a rock-solid place, don't bring other people into the bedroom. Also, don't do it for him. Don't go into an arrangement without your heart being 100% in it. Why? Because it is painfully obvious when someone is doing something just to please their partner, and when they are doing it out of genuine enjoyment. It may not be apparent to them, or their partner, but it is otherwise.

Talk about it outside of the bedroom, and outside of anything intimate going on. Get a core list of rules out there, hash out what is ok and what isn't.

He needs to very clearly define "slutty"
You need to very clearly define your boundaries

You also need to check in about how the two of you feel about your previous infidelity. You've already expressed that you want him and he wants a bunch. Is that something that would sit well with your history together? It's something to consider before you open the box.. so to speak.

And.. don't do anything just to make him happy.. and don't expect that in return. "I'm willing to do it to make my partner happy" really just means.. "I'm willing to lie about what works for me a little bit longer"