The Healthy Obsession.

Those of you who have been here for a large chunk of your lives might actually be of some use on this subject.

One of my favorite states of being is Initial Attraction.

(This is roughly the time between noticing there’s a suspicion of mutual attraction and you getting your hand down her jeans and fingering her for the first time.)

When in that state, I become more genitally focused and I like it.

Point of discussion:

“Is a little sexual obsession good for one’s general well-being?”

Notcastor said:

Those of you who have been here for a large chunk of your lives might actually be of some use on this subject.

One of my favorite states of being is Initial Attraction.

(This is roughly the time between noticing there’s a suspicion of mutual attraction and you getting your hand down her jeans and fingering her for the first time.)

When in that state, I become more genitally focused and I like it.

Point of discussion:

“Is a little sexual obsession good for one’s general well-being?”

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I mean, this is like 5 minutes of time, though? The way you've defined it. And not really special in any way. I mean, generally seeing people you wanna fuck is a daily occurrence. I don't really understand what you're talking about.

Now if you were talking about the honeymoon phase, that roughly three month period AFTER a relationship starts when you're fucking like rabbits, I can get behind that. But the expanse of time it takes to get the answer to a question is like... a really weird thing to focus on, for me? Because nothing has happened yet. You're not invested at all so it won't matter.

It’s not about the time or physical act; the discussion is around adopting a particular state of being.

Yes the sexual tension phase never lasts long enough. Either it goes somewhere soon or it doesn't but that moment pregnant with possibilities is sublime.

There is something about the process of arousal which is very focusing. My best guess is norepinephrine.

Que said:

There is something about the process of arousal which is very focusing. My best guess is Chloroform.

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Bill Cosby?

Luk said:

Bill Cosby?

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Bruised titties?

I think yhall get way too invested before you get an answer. Like if you care that much, like that it's a "state of being" and the other person says "no" I feel like that'd suck.

I kinda treat sex as just... a fun thing to do. I have no idea what yhall are talking about. That minute isn't "pregnant with possibilities" any more than, "Hey you wanna play Mario Kart?" is pregnant with possibility. It's just waiting to get an answer to the question of, "You wanna do something fun?"

If the answer is "no" in my world, it means nothing, but it really seems like rejection would knock yhall on your ass.

CandiCame said:

I think yhall get way too invested before you get an answer. Like if you care that much, like that it's a "state of being" and the other person says "no" I feel like that'd suck.

I kinda treat sex as just... a fun thing to do. I have no idea what yhall are talking about. That minute isn't "pregnant with possibilities" any more than, "Hey you wanna play Mario Kart?" is pregnant with possibility. It's just waiting to get an answer to the question of, "You wanna do something fun?"

If the answer is "no" in my world, it means nothing, but it really seems like rejection would knock yhall on your ass.

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You seem to have a binary view of attraction and arousal.

Notcastor said:

You seem to have a binary view of attraction and arousal.

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If I do, it'll be the first time I've ever fit into a binary in my life.

I just don't get what you're talking about.

Like... it feels like you care a WHOLE lot before anything happens and that just... why? Like I don't understand?

And I don't know how that makes it a binary? There's not two things at play there in my mind, because there's literally nothing happening. The moment between "do you wanna have sex" and the answer is just not on my radar. I've never thought to pause and bask in it because I don't... know... why anybody would do that?

Do you do that with every question you ever ask someone? Are you on the edge of your seat in every human conversation that you have?

It's not even your decision, the way you described it. This is you asking someone else. So there's 0 time here. This isn't you stewing over a decision, which is a real emotion that I understand, this is the second between asking a question and getting an answer that just... is not a thing? I've never heard this before as a concept.

I thought you mistyped and meant the honeymoon phase. Because that's a real thing and it is great. That's what the infatuation phase actually is, like psychologically, the obsession phase. It lasts about 3 months at the start of a relationship, and then you realize you can just fuck whenever you want and you settle into a less passionate, but more contented phase.

But that's not what you're talking about from your description. You're talking about purely sexual relationships, and the moment from between you deciding you wanna fuck and getting an answer. That's like 0 time. That is LITERALLY a moment. You'd have to slow down time to actually experience it.

You’re right. You don’t understand.

Notcastor said:

You’re right. You don’t understand.

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Yeah, I'm not trying to shame you or anything though, it genuinely sounded interesting and I was trying to figure out what the hell you were talking about.

Because generally an obsession has to last for more than a few seconds. Like a sexual obsession with a person to me is the honeymoon phase, like you are obsessed with having sex with them.

But like, just that thought, "I'd fuck that person" is not an obsession. It's just... Idk, a fact.

Like you can do anything with that information, including nothing.

Lance does not have any healthy obsessions.

CandiCame said:

Yeah, I'm not trying to shame you or anything though, it genuinely sounded interesting and I was trying to figure out what the hell you were talking about.

Because generally an obsession has to last for more than a few seconds. Like a sexual obsession with a person to me is the honeymoon phase, like you are obsessed with having sex with them.

But like, just that thought, "I'd fuck that person" is not an obsession. It's just... Idk, a fact.

Like you can do anything with that information, including nothing.

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You’re typing a lot of words, so there’s that.

He is wordy...

silver gurl said:

He is wordy...

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What his lover(s?) would give for an L.

Notcastor said:

You’re typing a lot of words, so there’s that.

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And you're not, and I feel like this needs to be rectified.

But you don't have to explain it to me if you don't want.

Notcastor said:

What his lover(s?) would give for an L.

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No one is here with me! I've been abandoned!

I'm all alone in the snow!

CandiCame said:

And you're not, and I feel like this needs to be rectified.

But you don't have to explain it to me if you don't want.

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I dont want anything from you with “rect” in it.

Notcastor said:

I dont want anything from you with “rect” in it.

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You're a filthy liar, Kirk- holy shit both our avatars are Jameses. It's meant to be.

CandiCame said:

And I don't know how that makes it a binary? There's not two things at play there in my mind, because there's literally nothing happening. The moment between "do you wanna have sex" and the answer is just not on my radar. I've never thought to pause and bask in it because I don't... know... why anybody would do that?

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CandiCame, you live in such a strange world.

In the world I know that one question: "do you wanna have sex?" can't be asked. If you do indeed ask that in too uncertain terms, you are automatically labeled rude asshole, and the answer is automatically "NO!" regardless of what the actual value could have been before you asked. No, you can't ask that question. Not right away anyway. Can you really ask that to a stranger without getting your face beat? I can't believe that, just can't.

Getting answer to that question without ever asking directly is a delicate game for two. It's called courtship. It's called romance. It can be played for a long time, sometimes years. It's that stuff the poetry is written about, the classic plays, tons and tons of novels and all kinds of shit.

But you're right in one, yes people get awfully invested in that game. And then, when you finally feel safe to ask that actual question, because you think you have won the courtship game and very expect the answer to be a joyful "yes," then an actual and firm "no" may straight out not being believed, or contain suicide of the asker as an option.

I’ll give an example for the remedial posters.

There’s a woman i come into contact with 2-3 times a week during the work day.

I find her arousing. I believe she’s interested. Maybe sometime she’ll wind up riding my cock.

In the meantime, I enjoy thinking about how that might happen. Thinking about various ways of luring her out of her clothes puts we in a state of mind I enjoy.

Having a fresh target on radar provides a steady flow of cock-centric thoughts that seem to induce a pleasant state if being.

Ok so... yeah, I actually find that really creepy. I genuinely do live in a different world, I guess. Where consent exists.

Romance and sexual attraction are two different things.

Yhall are talking about the time between, "Do you wanna go get something to eat?" to "Do you wanna have sex?"

You could have just said what you meant instead of trying to make me feel like an idiot. That's the courtship phase. There's a name for that.

And it's alright I guess but it's definitely not my favorite part of the relationship and I do tend to breeze through it in a few hours to a couple of days.

I've had relationships that last for years and I've never had that phase last more than like... three days.

Here are some examples from my life:

High school GF- asked her out to a movie, ate her out in my car that night, fucked at prom. Dated for 2 years.

First college GF- met her by banging her at a party, like we just didn't do even a conversation before the sex. Dated for... like a year? Maybe more. Overlapped with W so it was a while but it was one of those mostly physical relationships where we were also dating other people.

First college BF- opened the door when he knocked on it, fucked him in my bedroom like... instantly. Dated for 3 years.

Skipping ahead a little bit-

Current BF- Had fucked him several times before we started dating, at parties, in threesomes, causally, you know shit like that. So... there was no physical build up, it was all romantic. These are not the same thing.

Current GF-Was supposed to be a one-night stand, met at a party and asked if she wanted to go back to my place, she did, a few months later she told me she was pregnant so we're kind of dating for 18 years now.

Yhall are acting like casual sex isn't a thing. But it is and a LOT of people do it. I will fuck someone at the slightest provocation. I will NOT date at the slightest provocation. Those are two different things and yhall are combining them and didn't make it real clear what you were talking about. That's not on me.

If I want to fuck someone and I don't think they want me, I don't sit around obsessing over it, I just think, "Oh it's be rude to ask them to fuck" and then I just don't think about it anymore unless they bring it up. And in my current situation, if they do bring it up, they have to get permission from like three people, and I'm not looking for new relationships, only casual sex. So if you're the kind of person who's gonna get turned off by me being like, "Oh, yeah, I'm down, but hold on a second I gotta text my lovers" then like... that's fine?

You can just not have sex. I don't really feel any kind of way about it.

But there are tons of situations where you totally do just ask people if they want to have sex? Tricking someone into having sex via mind games is real fucked up to me.

I'm just... I'm not going to sink a lot of energy into someone who might reject me. At the time I'm asking I've not started caring yet. I mean, I've had crushes on people, of course, but when that happens? When I have a crush? That's when I ask them out. I don't sit around jacking off. If I had a crush on a chick at work I'd ask her out, instantly, and if she said yes, that'd be cool, and if she said no, I would just not care because I hadn't invested any energy into it yet.

I don't... understand why you'd do that, but you do you because apparently you like it?

But to me it's like... you could actually be fucking the chick you're thinking about. You'll never know until you ask. And if she doesn't want to you can still jack off. Like... there's no thought police?

Doing it my way you would lose nothing, but doing it your way you lose opportunities so to me it's better to do the casual sex thing.

LupusDei said:

CandiCame, you live in such a strange world.

In the world I know that one question: "do you wanna have sex?" can't be asked. If you do indeed ask that in too uncertain terms, you are automatically labeled rude asshole, and the answer is automatically "NO!" regardless of what the actual value could have been before you asked. No, you can't ask that question. Not right away anyway. Can you really ask that to a stranger without getting your face beat? I can't believe that, just can't.

Getting answer to that question without ever asking directly is a delicate game for two. It's called courtship. It's called romance. It can be played for a long time, sometimes years. It's that stuff the poetry is written about, the classic plays, tons and tons of novels and all kinds of shit.

But you're right in one, yes people get awfully invested in that game. And then, when you finally feel safe to ask that actual question, because you think you have won the courtship game and very expect the answer to be a joyful "yes," then an actual and firm "no" may straight out not being believed, or contain suicide of the asker as an option.

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Dude, it's called rape. If you fuck someone without getting explicit consent you... yeah, we have a word for that.

In a romantic relationship you still ask people if they wanna fuck before you fuck them. Like... this is actually freaking me out pretty bad that you think courtship and romance don't involve getting consent.

No, you need a direct answer to that question. Like you straight up get a direct answer before you move forward. You might phrase it more romantically- or since I'm into bdsm more submissively, but you do ask directly and you do get explicit permission before you move forward.

This is super just... not cool.

I get what you mean that maybe you don't ask it right away, but you do ask it before the sex. Like when you get to that point you absolutely do make sure everyone is cool and comfortable with moving forward, and you keep up that communication, and if at any time they aren't cool or they are uncomfortable, you stop- and you know that because you DO use direct communication.

It doesn't matter if you've been together 20 years, you still talk about consent. It is important to me that this shit is clear.

I just thought about Dolf sucking my cock at Heathrow.

And i didn’t get her consent for that thought.

Feelin’ rapey!

Notcastor said:

I just thought about Dolf sucking my cock at Heathrow.

And i didn’t get her consent for that thought.

Feelin’ rapey!

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Dude I can't not read it as William Shatner and it's cracking me up.

Just like, "Feelin rapey!" but like he does when he talk-sings.