Humor Thread

'OUCH!"

Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

Bar Signs

A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."

"My new boyfriend said it would be at least six months before he's consider performing oral sex"

Her friend looked concerned and replied: "That's so unfair; what did you say?"

"I told him that I fully understood and respected his decision;
and that I'd give him a call nearer the time."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

How Many College Students Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb in the South?



At Vanderbilt it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any ivy leaguer.

At Georgia it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Georgia Tech and get instructions.

At Florida it takes four. One to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.

At Alabama it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Bear would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Auburn students.

At Ole Miss it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU it takes seven. And each one gets credit for four semester hours for it.

At Kentucky it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.

At Tennessee it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how Phillip Fulmer is too stupid to do it.

At Mississippi State it takes fifteen. One to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to shout, "GO TO HELL OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!!!"

At Auburn it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Bama, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.

At South Carolina it takes 80,000. One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the year they have a good football team.

At Arkansas it takes none. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

What do they call a Chinese voyeur?

A Peiping Tom

An inexperienced young man, prior to his wedding, asked his father how to conduct himself on his wedding night.

"Well," said the father, "you take the thing you used to play with as a teenager and put it where your wife wee-wees."

So the young man took his baseball and threw it in the toilet.

An airline passenger, being served drinks by the stewardess, exclaimed: "Hey, here's something new ... an ice cube with a hole in it!"

"What's new about that?' said the man sitting next to him. "I married one."

How do you define adultery?
Putting yourself in someone else's position.

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan ..
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a
plane......

Pension Sex

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'


" Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing onlythe 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I'm going on a class trip to the Coca-cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.

When chemists die; they Barium.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.

Did you here about the cross-eyed teacher who was fired because she lost control of her pupils?

Good Stuff Phantom, thanks for posting on the thread. Also to anyone else who posts here. We really do appreciate it.
My jokes and humor are somewhat like my stories; not every story is liked by everyone.
DG Hear

This de luxe conflation, of the 100 year-old tale, by J. Mark Sugars & Frank

'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was as yet unknown.

A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.

At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.

Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.

Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.

The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.

On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.

On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.

Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.

Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.

Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.

This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!"

Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.

Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.

Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.

Thank you, Phantom.
I've heard it (mis)-quoted several times in the last 50 odd years but never seen it. The versions I've heard concern Moses.

Many thanks.

the carburettor

"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

A very young woman marries an 80 year old man for his money. On their wedding night she jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers.

"Oh, honey," she said with delight, "does that mean we can do it five times?

"No," he replied, "it means you can pick one out." .

Forgive me if we've seen it

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his
usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he
noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the home-owner, coming out with a load of
empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. "Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"... the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun...and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet... with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..." The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up seven
times.

Flu

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment


Man from Middle-east at checkpoint:

Officer: What is your name?

Man: Ali-Baba

Officer: Sex?

Man: Six to ten times a week

Officer: I mean, male or female?

Man: both male and female and sometimes camels

Officer: Holy cow!

Man: Yes, cows and dogs too...

1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Source: http://www.funcage.com/blog/top-100-funniest-one-liners/

Handley_Page said:

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his
usual route, -

Then the women try to guess who it is..." The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up seven
times.

Click to expand...

" Yea though I walk thru..."

Almost spewed my granola!

When a long-married couple returns to their therapist for a followup appointment, he asks, "Did you take my advice about spicing up your love life by adding some spontaneity?"

The wife blushes and turns away, leaving the husband to explain."

"We did just as you said, Doc, but now we have another problem."

"Go on," the therapist prodded.

"My wife had her hands full of vegetables, considering the salad she was going to make for dinner, when she dropped a tomato on the floor. She leaned over to pick it up, causing her skirt to expose her still fine ass and I was instantly excited. I remembered your advice about spontaneity, I stepped up, pulled out my penis, pulled aside her thong, and took her."

The therapist appears confused as he asks, "So ... what's the problem."

"Well..." the husband explains, embarrassed, "we were in the grocery store produce aisle at the time."

Oh HP, I ROFLOLed about hte UCLA psychiatry test joke!

How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

I always liked this one for evening the score for Blonds:

Why are Blond jokes so short?

So Brunettes will understand them.