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Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

"I just had sex and it felt so good A woman let me put my penis inside of her."
 
Those are the hairest nipples I've ever seen.

What do you mean by, I'll give you a reach around?

Grandma?

You're Justin Bieber?
 
Damn, My hymen’s still attached.

This is the first time since the surgery.

Is that Dad on Skype?
 
Why does your dog have a dress on?

God, I love this song. Did I ever tell you I banged every member of the Rolling Stones last year?

Could you hand me the flashlight? I think I lost the condom in there.

I was supposed to take the anal plug out before?
 
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Whoops


I wish my wife would do that.


This isn’t chocolate syrup, is it?


Does your ass ever stop jiggling?


Sorry. I think I shit a little.
 
Wow, those clothes really hide how you look.

Okay, that's dimes; now let's see if you're bigger around than a roll of pennies.

Oh, don't worry--Rover just growls, he's never bit anyone before.

Honeybun, you're doing it wrong. (Not so bad when your partner says it, but terrible when some third party says it...to either of you.)

Um...I'm over here.

Did I mention I'm married? And it's not an open relationship?

Wow, George was right--he really is bigger than most other guys.

I'm glad you like'em, but the implant surgery left me without feeling there, so, you know...lovely to look at.

Beige--I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.
 
-laugh- This thread instantly reminded me of one of my favorite quotes from Fight Club.

"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."



Gah. :D
 
This is the best sex I’ve had since prison.

Don’t panic, but I think I lost my teeth down there.

It’s so sexy the way you suck my husband’s cum out of me.

(Okay, I threw up a little in my mouth on that last one.)
 
When she corrects you and says: No way should you call that a cock. A cock is much bigger and black.
 
I can’t wait to post this video. It’ll definitely win in the smallest penis category.

Can you hand me the remote? I’m done counting the ceiling tiles.

Did you feel that? Our souls touched.

He puts the lotion on his skin.
 
"Oh, yea. I'm balls deep. I'm balls deep. Do you feel that?"

"That's my belly button, asshole. God, I hate myself so much right now."
 
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