An Unlikely Affair (closed for Initiate_me)

With the first light, I had awakened, and didn't want Clarissa to feel uncomfortable if she woke up and saw me beside the bed. So when I heard her call for me, I had just stepped out of the shower. I wrapped my towel at my waist and said, "I'm in the bathroom, Clarissa - I just took a shower. I'll be out in a minute."

I quickly threw on the t-shirt and shorts that I had taken with me. I was running the towel through my hair as I walked out into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Clarissa. I think I could find some ingredients to make some omelettes, if that interests you. Or there's a little home-style cafe not far from here if you want to venture out."

Talking with her last night had been the perfect medicine - it was time to quit feeling sorry for myself, and take back control of my own life. I knew what I wanted - it was time to go find it. If Deb didn't text me back today, I'd go to the gallery in person and ask her out. But as much as she seemed to enjoy my kids, and as much fun as it was watching her with them, she seemed to be the best place to start.

It was strange to see someone in the morning like this. Unless it was Pierce and we'd spent the night together. Or some other guy, not that I really hooked up often any more.

Joe looked fresh and he looked good. Strong, without being particularly bulky. I could understand why his ex-wife missed him so much. Strong and sensitive. And damaged but you couldn't see that on the surface which is how we all prefer it.

"You've done enough for me. If you can show me where everything is, I'll do the omelettes. It's the least I can do." I was very conscious that I was wearing a small, creased party dress that showed a lot of my legs and had the faint smell of strong alcohol.

I had to admit that even after a very late night out where she was probably given a date rape drug, Clarissa still looked amazing. It was as if the polish was missing, but her true inner beauty was being allowed to shine.

But I couldn't think of that right now. I was supposed to be a gracious host, not a man with needs!

"Nonsense - I couldn't imagine making you cook for me. I'm pretty sure I don't have any clothes that fit you, but if you would like, you're certainly welcome to grab a quick shower, and by the time you're done, breakfast will be ready for you.

"Or you could stay here with me while I cook, and we could talk some more. Our discussion last night has done me a world of good. You were a good therapist for me last night, even if you didn't know it!"

I had to smile at that as I sat down at the table.

"Yeah when I was young I had this idea that I'd study Psychology, and become a Psychotherapist, and help all kinds of people with their unbelievably fucked-up lives, and be a real hero and all of that kind of thing. But I got a bit.... distracted. And my Mom didn't think I should study Psychology. So I didn't. She said it wasn't suitable and at that age I really thought everything she said was true."

I realised with a jolt and a laugh that Joe didn't even know what I got paid to do. "I'm actually the PR face of my Dad's company, you know. I don't have to put many hours into it, it's pretty much a family favour, but.... yeah. That's my job. Kind of pathetic, isn't it?"

"So the gallery is extra? Because I really think you could take that and shine. But I can see where you'd be a great spokesperson for anything - if you were selling it, I'd buy it, whether I needed it or not!"

It was so refreshing to see her smile. I liked this side of Clarissa - I liked it a lot. It gave me hope that in spite our fucked up lives, we could find happiness.

Yet still I knew it was a huge stretch - we were from different sides of the universe, as far as our backgrounds and upbringings. She couldn't let herself down to my level, and there was just no way I could climb up to hers.

But I was starting to wish we could figure it out.

"What would your father say if you told him that you were leaving his company to focus solely on the gallery?"

"I don't really get paid for the gallery.... but then my salary for my PR job is a bit of a set up too.... just an excuse for my parents to spoil me with huge amounts of money I guess. They do the same for my brothers. We get everything handed to us but there has to be some sort of pretence, some sort of gesture to working. And that's mine."

He was whisking the eggs. I stared up at the ceiling. The wallpaper up there was cracked and faded and I felt that way too a bit.

"What would your father say if you told him that you were leaving his company to focus solely on the gallery?" He asked as he poured the eggs into the pan.

I laughed at that. "He'd say a lot of things. I think he'd start off nice, try to talk me back round. And then get more and more harsh, and say that it was just my silly pet project, and that I should be more involved with his business work, more grateful for what he'd provided for me..... that kind of thing."

I toyed with my bracelet. "What do your parents think of what you do?"

I poured the first eggs into the pan and swirled it around, the way my mom had taught me to do it many years ago.

"I don't know that any parent is glad their son went into police work. They have told me many times that they fear I will be killed, and that's never easy to hear. But I think they are also proud of me, because they know I answered a calling to protect and help others, and there was no way I was going to be talked out of it."

I ran my spatula under the edge of the eggs, which were starting to cook up perfectly. I tossed the ham and peppers and onions on top first, followed by grated cheese. A touch of salt and pepper were next, and by that time, the omelette was ready to fold.

"But they were pretty disappointed in me when I left Kristy. They saw a perfectly loving couple on the surface, just like everybody else did. But I couldn't wear that facade anymore, and even though I tried to explain it to them, they just didn't understand. So I've quit trying, and they've quit asking."

I flipped the folded omelette to let it finish on the other side. I noticed her watching, and I really wish I knew how to flip the finished omelette up in the air and let it land gracefully on the plate. But I realized it would probably end up on the floor at her feet, and that would impress no one. So I lifted it out with the spatula and gently placed it on her plate.

As I set it in front of her, I said, "Here you go, Clarissa - the house specialty at Joe's Home Cooked Kitchen. 99% guaranteed no shell fragments, just pure eggy goodness!"

Hearing this, I couldn't help comparing how I had given up ideas of helping people, and he had not. He had persevered.

"I guess it must be hard for them, looking from the outside, seeing an ideal couple fall apart. No one knows what really goes on inside a relationship, no one else can see it."

He set the breakfast down and it was impressively well formed. I smiled at him as he sat across from me and looking down at it I realised how little we really knew about each other.

"I'm actually a vegetarian, Joe. Sorry." I winked at him and took a long sip from my glass of water.

"Well, it's a good thing I haven't got the other omelette finished yet!"

I chuckled at her - she seemed to enjoy dropping that little tidbit on me. So as the second one cooked - minus the ham - I turned to her and asked, "What else do I not know about you?"

Somehow I liked the idea that I still had secrets despite spilling a lot to him. Then I remembered for just a moment my real secret, before pushing it down again to the pit of my mind with a vicious effort. Months of professional help weren't wasted- I could suppress it.

"There really isn't much to say, at all. What do you want to know?"

I suddenly had a very big decision to make. I liked where our banter had been so far - light and easy, although we had started asking questions of each other that were a little deeper.

As I plated her omelette, my decision was this - continue asking rather "trivial" things of each other, or take it deeper, which may put an end to our light chat of the moment, but might also uncover some hidden things we really needed to know about each other before anything else in our relationship could happen. I decided to go for broke.

I put her plate in front of her, and asked, "Tell me about this group of guys that you were with last night. Was your boyfriend one of them? How could he let you get into a situation like that?"

I'd already started shoveling the food home, suddenly realising how hungry I was. I swallowed hard and thought about my answer for a moment. It wasn't the easiest question.

"Well, yeah. But.... he's not really my boyfriend. He's just.... a guy. We see each other sometimes. Now and then. It's pretty messy. But I don't think he meant any harm last night- he just wanted to have some fun, introduce me to those stupid friends of his, that kind of thing."

I picked up my fork again. "Do you see your ex-wife often?"

I couldn't tell if she was truly naive, or just not wanting to face the unpleasant facts of last night. When she asked about my Kristy, I knew the latter was the case.

"I guess about once a week, depending on my work schedule. But we mostly see each other when we I come to pick up or drop off the kids. Last time we did that, she said something awful to me, and even though she's tried to contact me since then, I just can't bear to talk to her. I know I'm going to have to again, because it will be necessary to set up my next time with Susie and Joey."

Thinking of that last episode with Kristy nearly brought tears to my eyes. I had to try to move past it, but it still stung. But maybe it was good for her to finally face the emotions she had about me leaving. Either way, I didn't even want another scene like that again.

Joe looked quite affected by talking about this. I felt I shouldn't pry but I liked to pry so I pried a little.

"What did she say?"

I took a deep breath, not even sure I wanted to repeat this to Clarissa. This wasn't the kind of thing you talked about with someone who was just going to turn and run on you later. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

"The man she's seeing is my son's teacher, and she made some comment about Joey getting to see at least one man in his life. It was a pretty hard knock on me running out on my family. It's the kind of thing you never forget, no matter how much she might want to apologize."

I stood up to rinse my plate in the sink, still not in complete control of my feelings. But reliving that moment in my mind as I told it to Clarissa brought the near tears again. At least facing the sink, she wouldn't see me struggling to keep the tears at bay.

"I'm sorry. That sounds hard." My words sounded hollow to me and I didn't know if they sounded cold to him.It was time to go, to disentangle and to get back to my ship-wrecked life. I stood up and thanked Joe for the food and the hospitality and the company. He looked a little surprised somehow. It was a bit sudden but I felt it was right.

"I won't forget this, Joe. And if I can ever do anything for you, in return, you should just let me know. I mean it. And I won't be like I was before," I said as he opened the door for me.

"Is that it? You get me to admit one of the most painful scenes in my life, and now it's time to go?"

I didn't get it - how can she go from seemingly compassionate and caring in one moment to self-centered and aloof in another? Which of those characteristics belonged to the real Clarissa Barrington?

She must have forgotten that she had no way home. "I'd offer you a ride, but it's apparent that you're had enough conversation with me, so I'll call a cab for you....."

He was hurt. I couldn't understand why and I could understand why. I couldn't because what more did he want from me? There was nothing more. I could because I'd encouraged him to be brutally honest and then just stood up to go.

But I'd had enough. The honesty.... it was risking becoming too much. Cutting too close and too hard, too sharply. That was enough for today. But I didn't know how to explain that.

"I just.... have some things to get done, that's all. I enjoyed being with you this morning. And I'm glad you can tell me things." I tried to give a warm smile but it's not my style generally.

I stopped her and turned her back around, so that she was facing me. I knew this would be the worst position for her - having to look into someone else's eyes, when she was afraid to look into her own eyes to see what she wanted.

"Clarissa, what do you want in life? Honestly - are you going to continue flitting around from place to place, never establishing anything deep and meaningful, while getting yourself into positions where your own supposed boy friend lets you be gang raped for his own entertainment and domination over you?

"Or are you going to allow someone in past the steel curtain you've erected around your soul - someone that could open you up and let you truly be happy in life, without interference from your dad or your brothers or your stupid ass boyfriend who only cares if he can dip his candle into your hot wax?"

I was getting angry - at her for her typical behavior whenever someone starts to get too close, and at me, for caring as much as I did, when I knew she was a train wreck waiting to happen.

Why did I care so much about her? Why didn't I just let her go and live her own life?

Joe's strong hands held my shoulders and we were so close as he held my gaze. His eyes wanted to burn into me and find the truth but I was holding it very deep down. I didn't want to give it up just yet.

I didn't like the things he was saying and I didn't like to think about why. I hardened my face and shook my head slowly.

"I've told you Joe, he isn't my boyfriend. And you're pushing your luck with me here. I don't like being spoken to like this. I'm warning you." I wasn't sure if the words sounded powerful or petty or the two together.

'You're right - I apologize. I'll call a cab for you, and you won't have to worry about me again."

I did a quick search on my phone and found a number. The dispatcher told me it would be 10 minutes. I relayed that information to Clarissa. Then I had one more question for her.

"Could you give me Deb's number, so I can contact her? Maybe she will be the friend I'm looking for."

It shouldn't have made me angry, but it did. "I'll wait outside," I said and I pushed Joe in the chest with the palm of my hand, catching him slightly off-guard and I turned and exited his apartment before he could say anything. The fresh morning greeted me quite nicely and my hands shook a bit and I walked a little way down the street so that I could still see the cab when it came but was out of view if Joe looked out of the window.

I decided to take care of another man seeing as how I was on a roll so I took out my phone and fired off a quick text to Pierce and it read:

"Stay away from me. Don't message me don't call me don't come near me. We are done."
A moment later I followed that:
"I hate you"

I was surprised at the aggressive nature Clarissa displayed as she pushed me out of the way so she could leave. I watched her walk down the sidewalk and out of my view. Part of me was concerned that someone in this apartment complex would see how she was dressed and perhaps approach her with trouble on their mind.

Another part asked why I was concerned about her? After all hadn't she just walked away without any concern for me?

I couldn't let anything happen to her. So I grabbed my shoes and quickly put them on and stepped out the door myself, looking to see where she was as she waited for her cab.

Waiting for the cab, I performed some deep-breathing exercises and managed to calm myself very slightly and I needed that. I knew it had been wrong to push Joe even though I couldn't have physically hurt him if I had tried my hardest. But I couldn't tell myself honestly that I really regretted it- it had felt good and at that point I didn't care about what he thought of me.

That idea warmed me somewhat. To not care about people's thoughts. That Nirvana that people talked about but I had never believed in. Still I didn't, but now I at least found myself caring that little bit less. Pierce could take a bath with a toaster. His friends could fling themselves off a bridge. Joe could take a walk on the freeway.

Mom and Dad could..... well, I wasn't sure about that just yet. And I knew that I needed to actually put in some work, in my PR role. I'd been absent too long and it was becoming ridiculous. It had always been a farce but a very decent one and know i was threatening to ferment and stink. I needed to show my face, tomorrow. Early. I knew I must keep the ball rolling while I re-framed and re-planned my life. Work was a part of that and now was not a time to lose my head.

As the cab pulled up, I felt better than I had in a long time. More in control. Less loved, and less wanted. But more in control and that mattered and mattered a lot and mattered most. Other things were just decorative, flowers on the wall.

I watched until the cab pulled up, and then I turned back towards my own apartment. As the cab roared away, that episode of my life concluded, and it was back to just Joe in his crappy apartment.

With no plans, I decided I would be proactive for once. I didn't have Deb's phone number, but I knew where she worked. After lunch, I would make another trip to the gallery - not for the art, but for the cute little assistant who treated my kids like her own.